It’s official my BMW brothers…

We are no longer the most aggressive assholes on the road.

We’ve long been maligned for driving fast and aggressively. Those days are over my friends.

The new titleholders are Tesla drivers.

I apologize for the poor photo quality, I was trying to catch a shot of this particular asshole as he ran away, like a little pussy!

His license plate is CAPMGMT he’s an older white guy and this little financial  parasite almost got an asswhuppin.

Getting on the freeway in rush hour traffic. I’ve just picked up my car from the dealership. The entrance ramp has one of those “2 car per light” stop ‘em ups.

I’m car 1, he’s car 2. the light turns green and I open it up to get up to speed, My left  proximity alert flashes. This little prick has changed into the partial left lane that is narrowing to 1 lane… MY LANE and is passing me on the shoulder.

I flip him off, then he darts in front of me and does a brake check. Little fucker! I stop, but my car is not happy about dropping from 60 to ZERO in 1 second. 

Perhaps it’s that I’m seriously stressed. Perhaps It’s that I’m tired as fuck. Perhaps I’m just sick and fucking tired of the shitty San Diego drivers. But now we’re stopped. I dump the seatbelt, flip on the hazards, take off my glasses and I’m stepping out of the car on the thankfully empty entrance ramp in basically one move.

I’m gonna have me some Ass!

Pussyboy sees my door open and guns it. He’s driving one of those pig nosed Teslas (not even the expensive one) they’re wicked fast off the line, I’ll give ‘em that.

I get back in the car shut the door buckle up and gun it. 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th  flash by and I’m on the freeway, I’m not endangering anyone, pussyboy is weaving all over the place I’m continuing in a lane, making reasoned maneuvers and signaling to change lanes. I’m closing on him and he hits a clear space just as I do. He’s accelerating away like a scared rabbit. 

Damn! That Tesla is impressive.

I’ve got a 350 mile range even at these speeds. I’m wondering if his rate of energy burn is messing with his driving range. I’m still in “Comfort” mode on the car… Fuck it! Lets play! I press the “Sport” selector and it’s like afterburners kick in. I’m closing rapidly on this little piece of filth.

He sees me coming and accelerates, I’m seriously considering just pacing his sorry ass, forcing him to deplete his charge. Run him to ground and then ahem… “help” him.

We top excessive speed and are heading to ludicrous speed, (Thank you Mel Brooks!) then he backs off. There’s traffic congestion ahead and he’s telegraphing his uncertainty about which lane to choose.

He can’t decide where to go. (So much for decisive Capital Management.) His Tesla is bouncing off the lane markers as his indecision slows him down. I’m even with him, I can see he’s freaking out. I just smile in as evil a way as I know how.

I mouth, “You’re MINE!”

He’s looking at me and I see fear. Ahhhhh Balm to my tortured soul.

He sees me raise the phone to take his picture, suddenly he skitters off the right and makes for the exit to another freeway. 

For a second, I think about following him just to work his nerves some more. 

Nah… 

I take my foot off the gas, nice predictable deceleration begins I switch back to “Comfort” mode and my 440 glides to ambient traffic speeds.

His little pig nosed Tesla is definitely faster. But I’ve got better tactics, a hell of a fuel reserve, and bigger balls!

So BMW brothers, we’re not the top agro assholes on the road anymore. But don’t fear, we’ve still got tricks up our sleeves from years of avoiding the morons out to take a piece of us.

I’ll be happy to get out of this shit hole. To do that required that I come home tonight and book a truck to move my shit.

For tonight though, our honor has been defended.

Drive safe.