Grrrrrr! Brain not cooperating !

I’ve been trying to write something to finish a short book.

I’ve tried looking at the blank page. That didn’t work. Took the dog for a walk head didn’t clear. Scanned some porn, uhh nope! That didn’t help.

I figured I’d turn toward the blog to see if I can write anything. Then two sentences in, the dog wants to play.

I have worked on cleaning out some of the paperwork out of office closet and found that once again the other half had stashed paperwork in another backpack. On the bright side this stuff was all from 2010 so I don’t have to worry about it. Straight to the shredder!!!

My limit is 2016, pretty much anything prior to that year with the exception of tax records (those are 2013) I’m just tossing in the shredder pile. I’m going to have to find a shred event for a lot of this crap because the shredder can’t handle it. I might be able to keep the shredder running if I could cool it with liquid nitrogen. I’m completely out of that so the shredder runs for 20 minutes then shuts down for an hour.

Then I sat back down to look at the blank page again. Nope, nothing…

The paperwork led to an archeological vein of melancholy as I found a bunch of stuff from 2009 and remembered that we’d just gotten back into this house after the fire. We were happy. We both had good jobs, new cars, new house, and everything was bright. I’d been saving like a fiend in my 401K because I wanted us to be able to retire.

My 401k was depleted 6 years later by unemployment and the other half insisting that we stay in California. I loved him, so we stayed. He lost one job, due to a minister that was far more sinister than ministerial. He kept his other jobs and replaced part of what he lost with a less invasive church position. I found another job that destroyed my career (what was left of it.)

It’s so damn funny that HR people don’t seem to understand taking a job slightly outside your career so that you have a roof over your head and food on the table. These dumb ass HR people just can’t seem to process pragmatism. They seem to believe that you should run up credit cards, then move back in with Mom & Dad while looking for the golden position. Most realistic people would take a job to feed their family. Well, realistic people of my age group, anyway.

There was a time when employers respected the hell out of initiative. There was even a time when the employer that gave you the slightly outside your career would offer to you the first open position that they had that was in your career path. After all they already know your work ethic.

That doesn’t happen anymore. Promoting from within doesn’t seem to happen very much anymore.

Regardless, I’d started rebuilding my 401K and saving as much as I could from 2016 through 2019 all the time looking for a job in my career path and trying to regain the ground lost so that we could have some decent retirement.

Then, well another layoff due to offshoring! Yea!

What I didn’t know was that the other half wasn’t thinking the same way I was. Even If I’d made half a million a year, and done the max 401K contribution, it wouldn’t have helped much. We’d have been in about the same boat I’m in right now. Unless I was putting hard cash away in some other kind of investments.

It made me sad. I tried to do better for us.

I didn’t plan for him dying before we’d retired. I figured I’d be the one on the slab first.

That’s actually kind of funny.

Like Baldrick from Black Adder, my cunning plan blew up in my face.

This is one of the hardest parts of all this. It’s the recognition of what we almost had, what we missed, what we’d hoped for, and dreamt of.

I sometimes feel like I’m sweeping up broken glass. I keep getting those thin shards in my feet because I’m barefoot and I can’t cross the glass to my shoes.

What I’d really like to do is finish the dang story so I can publish it.