Category: General

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Scan the news or don’t scan the news…

gloomdoom.jpgOver the past few days I’ve been wondering if I’d be better off just not looking at any news at all. 

I’d noted that I’m far more focused and happier on light news days. It’s like there’s not quite so much static in my head and it’s easier to harness the team of wild horses in my brain to a series of tasks.

News has become a distraction from what I should be doing. Reading anything on social media is a rabbit hole of conflict. People make all kinds of wild assertions and my only way out of that miasma is to run their source material to ground.

Doing this,  I’ll lose a day researching articles to verify or disprove  someone’s wild ass claims. I’m a little OCD that way. (Okay, you caught me, I’m a lot OCD that way. I’d probably give Dracula a run for his money in OCD behaviors.)

watching-news-brings-feelings-of-gloom-doom-and-chaos.jpgI’m trying something different. I’m not reading or watching the news, and I’m not opening social media. At least not until I’ve got the stuff done I need or want to get done during the day. There are all kinds of things that I can and should get done without being dragged off in a completely unproductive direction.

I miss the days of real journalism. Sure, even then there was bias but it was a lot more subtle and the meat of any story was at least consistent across liberally and conservatively slanted newspapers. 

The added advantage was that newspapers could be used to line your birdcage when you were done with them.

DNG Clouds.jpeg

Looking back on the past 6 months, there’s a lot more around here that I could have gotten done were it not for my easy distractibility.

I should have painted the trim of the house and done a myriad of other household tasks, I should have been studying language (an interest), writing (an interest),  music (another interest), and improving my web design skills (also an interest). 

After all, I had the time on my hands. But I’ve had the feeling, “What’s the point?“

The problem is, I allowed the constant feed of COVID, Fear, President Bad, Rioting, Protesting, Political Aggrandizement, Meteors falling from the sky, and all the other chaos into my home and into my head.

This morning for example, I haven’t looked at news or social media. I’m in a much lighter mood. I’m not expecting Armageddon at any moment and without that background static I’m getting things done that I want to get done. I’m far less frustrated, far more productive, far less pissed off, and far more clear headed.

I know as soon as I’m confronted with driving and interacting with people, I’ll be irritated I always am diving these days. (I need to hit the hardware store and do a couple of quick errands.) The good news is there’s a much wider range between where I’m at right now and the rage monster inside me waking up. For the moment I’ll just let him sleep and not poke that particular bear.

Later this week, I’ll be installing the replacement hard drive in the other half’s computer. I know that will either go well or become a pain in the ass of epic proportions. Strangely, this morning I’m not looking at that task with dread. It will go as it goes, in the end I’ll succeed and that will be another task off my list.

This morning I need to make some phone calls, and get busy moving my life forward. After that I’m going to try to make some more little repairs around the house. Nature is letting me know Winter is coming, and I’ll use the moderate daytime temperatures to get set up for that.  There’s that old saying, “Make hay while the sun shines.” Doing those things will give me a sense of accomplishment as a reward.

Depending on how those chores go, I’m feeling like sitting down and working on one of the several stories I’ve been writing sporadically over the past year. It might be nice to finish one and submit it for publishing. I seem to be able to write only when I have enough clarity of thought and zero static in my head.

If you’ve been feeling anxious and uneasy or unproductive, try ignoring the news, and social media.

The “likes” will still be there when you get around to your social media account again. The news will still be what it is. Think of the news like the old daytime soap operas, you could miss a month of “Days of our Lives” and not miss anything at all.

I’m off to live my life today. Hope you’re doing the same.

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We’re under a fire Evacuation Warning

2020 continues to be a shit show.

I’m so over this year. The fires are encroaching on the town. 10 miles out and the winds are kicking up. Great! We’ve been under the warning for the past 24 hours.

I tried to go to bed tonight. The house is closed and the A/C is on. Smoke is blowing around and my sinuses are irritated. I’m having a problem sleeping in general, tonight the house is a tad too warm, and I was having trouble shutting down.

I was laying there thinking I should get a drink to see if I could use it to relax. I rolled on my side and was looking at the visible stars. Just drifting off… Then the bed started shaking. A quick check of the bedroom showed that there was no demonic activity. So no possession was imminent.

Then another stronger shaking. Since we no longer have any pets it wasn’t one of them scratching. Oh, it’s an Earthquake! Well isn’t that just swell. What next? Frogs? Locusts?

Okay, I’m up!

Poured myself that drink I’d been contemplating and here I sit on the couch drinking and writing.

The local news people are blathering, but it sounds like there’s no damage.

I’m so over all of the crap this year. Honestly, I don’t think next year is gonna be any better.

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Empty Bowls

Monday evening we lost the last dog.

He had a massive seizure or stoke. It wasn’t the first seizure, he’d had a bad one in December 2019 but recovered. He’d had several smaller ones over the summer. Each was not a big deal but they’d been increasing in frequency if not severity.

Monday was massive.

He struggled to get up and couldn’t. It appeared that after the first big one, there were multiple smaller ones over the next 30 minutes & when I put him in the car, he just laid there quietly during the last car ride.

The emergency pet clinic was kind and efficient, and the pup went to sleep forever.

In the days since, the empty bowls, empty bed, & his favorite toy have been difficult to look at as they’re reminders of absence.

It’s not like this was a surprise. The old guy had been getting weaker and more restless, I think he wasn’t feeling well for a week or so. But he’d had bad weeks before and always bounced back. We figured he’d bounce back again, so we were watchful and tried to give him all the assistance he wanted or needed.

Sometimes we’d try to help and he’d flatly reject our intervention. He was a stubborn old guy and as his sight dimmed he’d get turned around, sometimes lost in the house. That ticked him off.

Time finally caught up with him.

Around here it’s been quiet and we’re grieving in our own ways.

This house has mostly been a two dog house, but Red was alone in his last years. Sundance passed about 3 years ago, as old as Red was, we decided to let him have peace & quiet rather than have to deal with a rambunctious younger dog.

The lockdown allowed us to spend his remaining time with him and he was rarely alone. One of his people was always around with a treat or a nuzzle or to help him if he needed it.

The lockdowns have produced a good side effect. Most of the shelters are empty. Many of the rescue organizations for various breeds aren’t too busy either. That’s a good thing, dogs are in homes that want them.

I worry that when the lockdowns end, people will find that they no longer have time for pets and the shelters will be overloaded. Lots of people don’t seem to understand that a dog is family and when the responsibility of having a dog becomes too much, they’ll toss the pooch aside never understanding that they’re breaking the dog’s heart.

I’ll choose a dog over people anytime. People often suck, dogs rarely do.

I told Red to go find Sundance. I hope they’re playing together in a green field where the Sun is warm butterflies are plentiful and the squirrels aren’t too obnoxious.

Here’s to you Red, your first years and home were rough, I hope the years you spent with us were good and you knew you were loved and will be missed.

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The End of an Era…

For many years, I’ve maintained a VIP membership at a gym in Orange County.

As part of that membership I had access to the VIP locker room. This was not the locker room you’d be familiar with if you attend a “normal” gym.

This locker room was all wood. It had a private Jacuzzi, wet & dry saunas, private access to the pool, and ample sinks and mirrors, where it was not uncommon to see 8 to 10 men shaving in the morning and often in the evenings if they were going out on a date.

We all had private lockers, towel service, the gym would wash our dirty workout clothes and leave them in our lockers when finished. There was fresh coffee, and fresh fruit available in a lounge area that seated 10 around a big screen TV usually tuned to the financial news or on weekends to one of the various games. They even had a place where you could drop off your laundry and pick it up a couple days later all conveniently billed to your Gym account with a monthly itemized statement delivered to your locker.

Occasionally one of the guys would bring his son or sons into the gym and the locker room to change clothes, or shower after father and son(s) worked out or used the pool. No-one paid any mind as long as the youngster wasn’t misbehaving. It was a place of Men.

In a time when places for Men were disappearing and feminism was taking it’s toll on even Barber Shops, it was a place that was a welcome sanctuary from the hubbub of the business day. I can’t count how many business deals I heard being closed in the lounge chairs over coffee or a cool post workout smoothie.

I spent many happy hours in that locker room. Sometimes finishing a report for work, but more often just starting my day there.

I’d drive to the gym, workout, shower, shave, have breakfast, then walk across the street to work. Sometimes I’d start and end my day at the gym, using cardio to burn the frustrations of the day away waiting for traffic to die down.

The gym had regular locker-rooms for men and women too. But I was worth the added expense and really enjoyed the VIP locker room because it was always quiet and comfortable. I guess you could call it a “Safe Space”.

The Gym itself had a pro shop, dining area, the usual array of weight machines, free weight areas, racquet ball and basketball courts, spin classes, yoga, aerobic studios, conference rooms (that you could reserve a month in advance), a hair salon, child care for the kids who were too young or not interested in working out with Dad or Mom. It was a big place and for a time, only the best of the best trainers got to work there.

While trying to figure out when the Gym would re-open due to COVID I discovered that my gym would never re-open.

24 Hour Fitness is in bankruptcy and apparently my gym was one of the casualties of their default, 130 gyms in all.

There’d been no notice, no email, no letter… nothing. This left me wondering where, when, and how I’d get my things from my locker. I tried calling corporate and all I got was a recording telling me that due to COVID there was no one to talk to. I wrote a strongly worded letter to corporate and heard nothing.

Last Friday, I got an email from 24 Hour Fitness telling me that I needed to call the number provided as soon as possible, to collect my things. I called the number Monday and made arrangements to drive down to grab my gear.

It almost wasn’t worth it. One shoe, my workout clothes, racquet balls, and all my toiletries were missing. They did manage to get my shower shoes, my racquet ball racquet, and my favorite yoga mat into a big plastic trash bag. They had no idea about the other items or why they’d not made it into the bag. Except for the racquet, the drive to OC was almost not worth making.

24 Hour Fitness, is giving me a great rate on their All Gym package in consideration of the closure. I can literally go to any of their gyms which is no different than what my membership always provided.

It won’t be the same. I’ll have to hump my shit to and from the gym, fiddle with a padlock and remember what locker I put my shit in when I’m done with my workout. I know this is the normal way gyms work but I’ve tasted better, and I liked it. I liked walking into the gym like a zombie, getting my stuff out of my locker dressing to work out and actually waking up at some point during my workout. I liked going to the locker room and having a cup of coffee before I showered and got on with my day.

That’s all a thing of the past now. I haven’t made any decision yet about the membership. I think it’s best to let the wound scab over a bit.

The gym where I picked up my stuff was strange. No music, no TVs. It’s a nice place, but felt strange. People on cardio machines with their masks on, their earbuds in their ears listening to their own groove from phones or pads in front of them. Few people were using the weights, and those who’d completed their workouts left the gym sweaty and disheveled. The locker room was empty as I made my way through to the bathroom. It was like a weird movie. Everyone silent and isolated, even in a crowd.

I’m not sure that I’ll be maintaining the membership. I don’t like this version of “Normal”

It occurred to me that I have no ties left with OC other than one remaining friend there.

OC used to be a big part of my world. I worked there, my doctor was there, I drank there, and played there. Now OC is just another place that I used to know, but don’t goto anymore. Los Angeles, Hollywood, and The Valley all have this same feeling. Places I used to goto but don’t anymore. Palm Springs is starting to feel like this too. Distant, broken, alien.

I’m beginning to think, for me, this is more than COVID fatigue. It’s something deeper.

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Wounds you don’t know you carry…

As most of the country knows California is burning.

Where I live we’re pretty unaffected. There’s a haze and smell of smoke in the air and that’s it.

9/7/2020 Haze

But I’ve been antsy, really antsy! Some might even say twitchy bordering on angry.

Then it hit me, the smell of smoke, the taste of ash in my mouth. That is making me remember the early morning 12 years ago when I was looking at what was left of my house.

This smell is slightly different but it’s close enough, I smelled smoke for weeks afterwards and then, as I always do, I moved on. I got busy putting my life back in order, I went back to work. The A/C of my workplace was a welcome respite from the stench of wandering through what was left and meeting inspectors and insurance people at the ruins of my home.

I tried to put all those memories behind a big door in my head and then I slammed that baby shut. I nailed boards over it, hung a sign that said “Do Not Enter,” and walked mentally away.

That is until this last winter. I was at a friends house and he built a fire in his fireplace. He’s got the same shitty fireplace insert that I have in my house. Basically you can have a fire in it, but the odds are about 80% that if there’s a breeze, all the smoke will blow down the chimney and right into the house.

With a fireplace you expect a little of this but you don’t expect it to be smokier in your living room than at a beach bonfire.

The worst case with these shitty inserts, is that you have a fire that hasn’t quite caught or is smoldering and then catch a stiff wind. Which is exactly what happened 5 minutes after my friend left the house to go grab something from the local store and do a load of laundry.

I tried re adjusting the logs, I tried to get the fire to catch, I opened the windows, nothing worked. No matter what I tried, the fireplace belched more smoke than it could possibly have generated into the house. My eyes were burning, my nose was running, and visibility dropped to about half of normal.

Then it happened. That door in my head exploded. all the memories flooded back and I was reliving that night 12 years ago. I was right back there watching the flames rolling across the ceiling of my living room. It shook me badly. Thankfully I’m an angry person otherwise the panic would have overwhelmed me.

2008 House Fire

Instead of freaking out and curling into a little ball waiting for rescue. I did what I did that night so long ago. I got mad!

My rage engaged and I started moving the smoldering logs outside. I dumped water on them, with each log that I extinguished I felt better, more in control. Four logs and a lot of water later I was victorious.

My friend came back about 45 minutes later and found me still shaking with all the doors & windows open then remembered I’d once mentioned a house fire. Very patiently he rebuilt a smaller fire, allowing it to catch and warm the chimney up so that the updraft was greater than the downdraft.

He usually just put up with the smoke, so he’d loaded the fireplace up before he left. I spent the rest of the afternoon outside, preferring to shovel snow in a snowstorm at 20° F. The physical activity and cold crisp air helped calm me and reduce the panic effects.

While I was outside it occurred to me that I might have a slight problem.

In the intervening years since the house fire, I’d been around campfires and hadn’t had a problem. While I was shoveling, I wondered why the situation had affected me but campfires had not.

The conclusion I reached was that I’d been inside with the potential for being trapped in the case of the cabin, but in the case of the campfires I could exit in almost any direction.

Based on my reaction this morning, perhaps the problem is a little more severe than I thought. Being in the house that is the same floorplan, in the same location as the previous house, with the heavy smell of smoke in the air, on some level I’m reliving that morning all over again.

This time, with lockdowns, and covid fear, nowhere to go, I’m trapped with memories that I can’t shut down by leaving the house.

There are no distractions, nothing I can do to distance myself from the memory. I suppose that explains the simmering anger, frustration, and antsyness.

If this is 1/10000 of what someone dealing with PTSD feels, those folks totally have my respect and sympathy. They’re stronger than I am.

My brain is running overtime right now to counteract the negative thoughts and feelings.

This is temporary and I know it, intellectually. I will master my… Fear? Angst? Panic? I may have a bad day or two but the winds will shift, the smoke will clear and I’ll be fine.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to live constantly fighting to control my mind like this. But I have a new perspective and for that I’m grateful.

To those of our Military who fight this battle all the time, don’t give up. Reach out to someone, anyone, for the support you may need. You might just find someone like me. I’ve never lived on any actual battlefield, but I understand (a little) the battlefield of the mind.