Bad Nightmares

Last night I woke up at 2:45am

I needed to pee. But I was also having terrible nightmares about Jobs, life, failure, and guess what? I was the judge, jury & executioner.

I watch too much ScFi too.

I remember several fragments where I was sitting in judgement of myself; In one I was the big faces in the trial of Zod from one of the Superman Movies saying, “Guilty” to General Zod. Except I was General Zod

In another the skin of my face had been removed and was hanging grotesquely from a robot’s head. Saturn 3? I think.

In another I appeared as Q of the “Q-Continium” from Star Trek Next Generation. I was me standing there, being looked down on by… Me

The common theme was they were all me and each judged me as guilty of some crime.

There were many more, but the dream has faded and fragmented, as dreams do, and I can’t remember them all.

My “Crimes” were numerous and all had to do with my”failure” as a person. Failure to secure a job, failure to take action in my life, failure to choose happiness over security.

No, those two things are not alway the same.

So were these dreams me talking to myself in a way that would get my attention, or was this me actually judging Me? I don’t know.

There was also a voice I think it was mine, but older somehow, that was saying, “Sometimes we have to let go of the things that we have in order to discover what makes us truly happy.”

I know I read that somewhere , It’s a tag line from a movie I was interested in seeing. I think the tagline caught my attention because it’s counterintuitive.

The thing about dreams like this is that if you’re sitting in judgement on yourself. Well, there’s no defense. You can’t obfuscate the truth, you can’t make excuses, you can only throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

In our heart of hearts, the person we each are least merciful with, is ourselves.

I’d like to think it was a bad dream and nothing more. But somehow I think part of me is trying to smack me upside the head.