Tag: Life Changes

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Wow! The other half had a lot of musical scores in digital format.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have much of a filing system for either Paper or Digital scores.

Screenshot 2023 09 30 at 7 29 50 AM

I’ve been trying to collect up all the music (Digital and Paper), and sort it with the intention of making sure that it got to the people that could use it and who would appreciate the effort.

I’m using a 32GB thumb drive now and unlike previous attempts will hopefully not run out of space.

I’ve also been finding a lot of duplications. I suspect that is in part due to the lack of a filing system and in part it might be further evidence that he’d been “off” for a while and was doing a damn fine job of hiding that fact from me.

No, I’m not angry about it. I’m just a little sad. He did his life, his way, as do I. We called “Shotgun” on each other’s journey through life and rode together for a long time. It’s cool, even if I am a little sad about the way things went from time to time.

As an aside, I have no clue how music is supposed to be catalogued, or indexed, or anything else.

I’m just doing what seems “Right” with the music much the same way I’ve done with every other curveball that’s come my way over the past 10 months.

In addition to the actual musical scores, some of which are only identifiable by opening them. (I’m fixing that slowly but surely.) I’ve also run into actual recordings where he was playing and recording into GarageBand either via a MIDI connection or he was using a microphone. Hearing him play has been somewhat jarring because I recognize his style and technique. It’s okay, but I’m still prone to crying over stuff like that, because the memories of him practicing a particular piece come flooding back. 

I’ll be a little sad over not being annoyed and hiding out in the office as he played the same measure over and over again trying to get it just right. In a way it was like RAP with Classical music!

I hate RAP!

As I typed that, I was smiling through misty eyes.

I’m sorting the music as best I can. If something has Hebrew characters in it, then it’s obviously going into the Jewish music folder. If it’s written in Russian It’s probably a fair bet that too is going to be Jewish Music. That is also true of German and Spanish.

I’m so out of my depth!

I’ve been looking for keywords in the scores. If I find anything that is recognizably Hebrew or Yiddish I know where to file it.

Christian music is a little easier because there I only have to scan for “Jesus” or Holy Ghost or Father, Son and Holy Spirt. You don’t find those kinds of references in Jewish Music.

Things start to get dicy when there are no lyrics, only the musical notation. If the title isn’t obvious, then I’m in a bit of trouble. 

If I can sound it out and recognize the roots or the rhythm of the piece  then I’ve got a shot at getting it in the right place. Some music is instantly recognizable as Jewish when you hear it.

I recognize the names of many classical pieces, or at least the composer so those scores go into the Classical Folder.

But wait! There’s more…

The harp music, the organ music, the piano, harpsichord, and even accordion music is all in one big assed digital pile.

For him, this presented no problem. He’d open an arrangement and know exactly what instrument it was for just by looking. Hell, I think sometimes he didn’t care what the score said the instrument was supposed to be. I think he’d just figure it out on the fly. That’s what a classically trained musician can do. It’s a skill built up over a lifetime and it’s amazing to watch in action.

I’ve been trying to sort the Harp and keyboard music into separate folders. Some of the folks that will be looking at this are classically trained musicians, but others aren’t.  Some of the amateur choir members can carry a tune and read music, but I know the other half curated very carefully what he gave to the choir.

It wasn’t about him disrespecting them, it was about not wanting to frustrate them with super busy scores. Sometimes he’d sit down and manually do choir only notation as a new file that he’d print here. Then we’d assemble the choir books if he wanted or needed my help.

I was probably next to useless because I didn’t read music. But I could follow instructions, run the printer, punch holes in pages, and we’d be spending the time together.

I know I could just hand all of the over to “Real” musicians instead of a hack like me. One reason that I don’t is because also mixed in this big pile of musical scores are receipts, and medical evaluations, and all the usual documents that one accumulates. So I have to be the one that filters all of this stuff out. 

Some of the pieces of music where he’s actually playing are in Apple only formats. Not a problem for me… But the Synagogue and Church are Windows based. So I’m letting my super fast computer handle processing the music into something universally playable. That takes time. Not much in the way of computer time, but time listening to the various edits and editions to determine which one is most likely to be the “Final” version that he’d want distributed.

Perhaps I’m doing all of this as much for me, and the other half, as I am for the Synagogue and Church.

It’s tedious, and time consuming. But I’m hoping to construct something that he’d be proud of. 

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DAMN! I hoped to not need the heat…

For at least another week or two. I was drawing runes on the floors asking Odin for another month without needing it. 

But alas, when I woke this morning, the house was in the low 50’s. That is too dang cold!  So I broke down and kicked the heater on.

I don’t like being super coldDSC0174, but I like even less the high cost of Natural Gas and don’t want to pay another outrageous bill like January and February of this year. This coming winter, my place is likely to be much colder than in years past.

With the other half’s harps out of the house I can keep it cooler because I’m not risking damage to the harps or having strings break due to the temperature.

My guitars, on the other hand, are going to be sharp as hell! So I’ll need to retune them frequently until the temp stabilizes.

I guess this means that Autumn is really here.

On the one hand perhaps the risk of fire danger is lower, on the other hand, It may feel like, the endless winter from Narnia. 

No matter, it’s a milestone. Another season passing. The first Autumn in many years that I’ll be alone. Later today, I’ll dig out my seasonal jackets. 

Life goes on. I need to get out and socialize a bit more, even if it means dealing with what passes for human beings these days.

I also need to observe humans interacting if I’m going to write stories containing humans. I’ve been thinking that perhaps a Jane Goodall approach might be appropriate. I’ll venture out into the wilds of Palm Springs, and begin observations without interacting until they don’t see me as a potential rival or threat.

I suppose I also need to check the Autumn “ToDo” list. There are a few things that need to be done before it gets to the point that I’ll need winter gloves when I’m outside. That’s a month or two away, but it seems unusually cold for this time of year. Oh perhaps it’s normally cold, and we’ve been experiencing warmer than “normal” fall weather for the past few years. 

Either way, it doesn’t change that there’s stuff I need to get done.

I’ve agreed to take a neighbor to a medical appointment on Wednesday. Perhaps while I’m waiting on him, I’ll head out to a local hardware store for supplies that I’ll need to winterize the house. I’m not going to get any painting done this year thanks to the flood control guys. Sand, dust, and debris blowing into wet paint just doesn’t look right.

It’s okay, if it’s a rough winter as predicted, I’d probably have to paint again come Spring, especially if I sell the house.

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Ughhh! It figures! Crappy Nights sleep and I really need to be on the ball…

I’ve got an appointment with the accountant today to hopefully finish up the tax crap dealing with the other half and my filing.

I took advantage of the automatic extension afforded us by the disaster declaration caused by the blizzard this year. It’s a darn good thing, because the other half’s filing system and document storage leaves a lot to be desired!

But I spent the night tossing and turning and feel like absolute crap. My brain isn’t working worth a darn but this is one of those things that must get done.

IRS Logo

I had a lot of weird abstract dreams all night. But my computer is fully charged and hopefully the parts of my brain that aren’t working will be augmented by the device. Thankfully the machine fits nicely in my briefcase.

Later this week I’m going to have to pick up the snow blower, it’s in for repair and a tune up after 15 winters of hard use and being put up wet. The repair guy said it had the wrong size belt on it. I told him that was the factory original belt and he was surprised. He said that explained it, the belt was so worn and stretched that’s why the machine was smoking when you tried to use it. 

I didn’t explain any further, the snow blower was the domain of the other half and as has been established the other half was not particularly kind to machines. I’m pleased that the repair didn’t cost too much.

Apple event 1

Today is the annual Apple reveal of new iPhones and other hot desirable items to populate the Christmas wish lists of millions. I usually watch just out of habit these days.

I’ll be watching the event today because I want to see what my options are for a new iPhone. My current phone is getting long in the tooth, It’s to the point of replacing the battery or replacing the phone. My phone is 3 generations old. I’d like an improved camera, and I’d like to have USB-C connections across all my devices. I’d like the satellite SOS ability and crash detection.

All the above features are available on last years model (except the USB-C). I’m curious to see what this year’s model brings. Tim Cook will once again be Captain Obvious with his proclamation, “This is the best most advanced iPhone we’ve ever produced,” uh yeah Tim, that’s the nature of technology… Moving on!

The USB-C connection is a pretty sure bet. Other hardware & software features may be announced that have not been leaked. All of this will influence my decision, “New Phone vs. New Battery”.

I’m also hoping that Craig Federighi does most of the presentation this year. I really don’t enjoy all the “Diversity” players because they’re just not exciting.

Federighi is electric and his playfulness and enthusiasm come through, even if he’s presenting dry specs and figures. He’s a fun presenter and somehow he always makes you hold your breath when he starts a live demo.

I guess I see it because I’ve done my fair share of live demos where it was entirely possible for the thing you’re demonstrating to fail right then and there. He apparently has done his fair share of demos where everything went wrong. He telegraphs that tension and makes it fun, it’s a “We’re gonna have an adventure…” feeling.

I’ve always gotten the impression that if a live demo went to absolute shit… Craig Federighi would somehow find a way to laugh, reset, and try again without missing too many beats. Federighi could almost convince me to upgrade my phone every year. 

That being said, there have been some comments associating his rise to SVP of Apple Engineering to the decade long slip in software quality across IOS, & MacOS. I don’t know if there’s a cause / effect connection or that the level of complexity in the software has caused the problem.

Personally, I believe that the issues have been, if not injected, then exacerbated by the rise of too much automated testing and not enough human eyes on the software until after it’s released. In the back of my mind, there’s a thread that questions if some of the problems aren’t based in diversity quotas.

When you hire someone based on anything other than their ability to build a product, you’re inherently degrading the final product. That’s not racist or sexist… That is simply a mater of fact.

Another of the dirty little secrets the diversity crowd would like to keep hidden and that no body is supposed to think about.

I’m not super thrilled with the expense of a new phone, but if there are sufficient improvements from my model to this one I could be moved to spend the money. Having USB-C is almost enough for me to plunk down the cash, on its own merit.

I’d like having only ONE cable and one charger for all my devices. So long as all my devices are smart enough to limit the charge current so that they don’t damage themselves. There aren’t many things I agree with the Europeans about, but de-cluttering my wall outlets, power strips, and the knot of cabling in my briefcase is one thing I heartily agree with.

Anyway, we’ll see how all this goes. I may be ordering a new phone soon. 

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I was going to start this with the old…

… This is your brain on drugs photo. If you’re old enough, you’d remember the eggs in the frying pan.

As I was looking for an easy image to pull, (because I don’t feel like fried eggs for breakfast,) I ran across a lot of images of brains, and brain related memes.

Ironically more than a few of those “informative” images, were suspect or had typos.

This one for example, has both concerns. I think the average human brain is perhaps 1/3 larger than the image asserts and there’s the old To, Too, Two, bugaboo. I’m going to ignore capitalization and sentence structure.

According to a quick internet search, (we all know how accurate that’s likely to be,) The average human brain weighs in, at about 3 lbs. It has a volume of 1260 cm3. Another interesting thing to note is that the human brain contains approximately 40% fat.

I suppose that means I shouldn’t have been offended when someone called me a fathead.

All of this about brains started because as I’ve moved through the grieving process, I’ve noticed things that disturb the hell out of me. I can’t remember SHIT! I write stuff down, or I put it into my phone and then forget to check my list.

I didn’t used to have this problem. I remembered everything, and found the act of writing things down to be a waste of time because I remembered everything I needed to do.

Now, I can’t stay focused, or on task. Everything is monumentally difficult, even the things I like doing. I’ve also noticed that I feel like I’ve lost myself, and am lost. I don’t “Feel” like myself right now. I’m easily bored and far too easily annoyed by the simplest of things.

People have said that this will pass. I can feel the truth of that statement. Simultaneously, I sense another truth as well. The hurt will diminish, (and has,) but I will never be the same person I was. I will be irrevocably changed. Things that I used to enjoy, I may leave behind because those things remind me of who I was with my other half, and it is too painful.

It’s in your other half’s absence that you are confronted with constant reminders of how much you were loved. You also have to confront how much you took that love and care for granted. There’s an element of guilt in that last bit. I don’t think guilt is the right emotion because if the roles were reversed, the feelings would be the same.

Moving on is hard. I haven’t done as good a job at it as I thought I would. I feel ashamed about that. I’ve been told not to beat myself up over it. I try not to, but I still feel ashamed.

I thought I was prepared. I thought it would be a quick searing pain and then it would be done. I was wrong. The pain lingers on. I think that’s a lyric from Pink Floyd’s The Wall. I don’t remember the exact track.

I understand now why many societies have a minimum period for the grieving process. None of these societies have the process written in stone but many have social constructs that determine appropriateness of various behavior during this time.

As an intelligent species with millennia of lived experience behind us, various social fabrics have been woven to accommodate and protect those of us wounded by loss. Make no mistake, it’s a gaping festering emotional wound. It may be a wound that scars over but is always felt. My thinking along these lines allowed me to feel a connectedness that is very human, and was strangely comforting.

July and August have been very hard months for me. I’ve burned a lot of energy trying to process why. His birthday, my Birthday, my Father’s Birthday, the anniversary of my Father’s death, this was typically the time that my other half and I would do things together because he was off work. Which meant he wasn’t running from thing to thing 7 days a week.

In years past we’d take short trips, go to museums, wine tasting, or if it was really hot, we’d content ourselves to walk the dog or dogs here in the mountains where it was cool and beautiful.

In really good years, I’d have sucked enough cock and kissed enough ass at my employer that I could actually take my paltry week of vacation. Most of the time though, “Business Needs” prevented me having anything but weekends off. (Business needs usually meant that the boss was taking 3 weeks off in Cancun with his family or mistress and fuck everyone else!)

School would have started by now and my other half would be getting into the swing of the school year plus preparing for the holiday services at the church and temple.

This hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday while I was making a meatloaf. Laugh if you wish, it is funny. I think it’s the mundane nature of what I was doing.

For a few minutes I forgot he was gone. I looked at the clock on the stove and thought, “I’ll get this cooked and walk the dog before he gets home then make a nice summer salad and sweet corn for dinner, the weather is nice enough that we could perhaps eat on the deck tonight,”

Then I saw his car in the driveway where I’d parked it, and it all crashed in on me again, he’s gone and he’s not coming back.

I think the dog is getting tired of comforting me…

Perhaps not, he doesn’t seem to care as long I cuddle him back. Then he does the only thing he knows as a “Fixes Everything,” he’ll keep bringing me balls until I pick one to throw for him. Apparently fetching a ball is the puppy cure-all that ails you.

It actually works. I think it’s his tenacity, he’ll bring each ball in, drop it at my feet or in my lap and wait for a response. The response he’s looking for is a smile, or for me to grab the ball. At that point his tail starts wagging and he heads for the door. All is well again…

The point of this rambling train of thought is;
Life is Change
Change is sometimes painful
Love is beautiful, terrible, painful, and joyous. Above all, those we love and who love us back are never forgotten, because they’ve literally gotten into our head.
The pain we feel when grieving is real, and I think caused by suddenly finding familiar pathways in our heads non-functional.

Hell, it could even be endorphin withdrawal. When we see a loved one we get a hit and when we don’t see them anymore we have to go cold turkey.

There are probably thousands of too tightly wrapped Phds, MDs, and whatever else the educational system has turned out that will vehemently disagree with my assessment. Go ahead! I never claimed I was an expert, I’d bet however that I’m a damn sight closer to being an expert than any of those so called “Experts” because I’m living through this time, it’s my lived experience. (See what I mean? I’m almost as edgy and easily pissed off as Biden, or my Mom these days.)

I need an endorphin hit. Maybe I’ll go buy myself a birthday present or two. I think I’ll try the built-in method of getting that endorphin hit before I go out and spend money. I suspect however that I’m going to be shopping in the next day or two.

Maybe it’s time for a haircut, a massage, and some time spent caring for myself and saying the hell with responsible behavior (within limits…)

Yeah, I’m working through a lot of shit that I am ill equipped to handle.

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Grrrrrr! Brain not cooperating !

I’ve been trying to write something to finish a short book.

I’ve tried looking at the blank page. That didn’t work. Took the dog for a walk head didn’t clear. Scanned some porn, uhh nope! That didn’t help.

I figured I’d turn toward the blog to see if I can write anything. Then two sentences in, the dog wants to play.

I have worked on cleaning out some of the paperwork out of office closet and found that once again the other half had stashed paperwork in another backpack. On the bright side this stuff was all from 2010 so I don’t have to worry about it. Straight to the shredder!!!

My limit is 2016, pretty much anything prior to that year with the exception of tax records (those are 2013) I’m just tossing in the shredder pile. I’m going to have to find a shred event for a lot of this crap because the shredder can’t handle it. I might be able to keep the shredder running if I could cool it with liquid nitrogen. I’m completely out of that so the shredder runs for 20 minutes then shuts down for an hour.

Then I sat back down to look at the blank page again. Nope, nothing…

The paperwork led to an archeological vein of melancholy as I found a bunch of stuff from 2009 and remembered that we’d just gotten back into this house after the fire. We were happy. We both had good jobs, new cars, new house, and everything was bright. I’d been saving like a fiend in my 401K because I wanted us to be able to retire.

My 401k was depleted 6 years later by unemployment and the other half insisting that we stay in California. I loved him, so we stayed. He lost one job, due to a minister that was far more sinister than ministerial. He kept his other jobs and replaced part of what he lost with a less invasive church position. I found another job that destroyed my career (what was left of it.)

It’s so damn funny that HR people don’t seem to understand taking a job slightly outside your career so that you have a roof over your head and food on the table. These dumb ass HR people just can’t seem to process pragmatism. They seem to believe that you should run up credit cards, then move back in with Mom & Dad while looking for the golden position. Most realistic people would take a job to feed their family. Well, realistic people of my age group, anyway.

There was a time when employers respected the hell out of initiative. There was even a time when the employer that gave you the slightly outside your career would offer to you the first open position that they had that was in your career path. After all they already know your work ethic.

That doesn’t happen anymore. Promoting from within doesn’t seem to happen very much anymore.

Regardless, I’d started rebuilding my 401K and saving as much as I could from 2016 through 2019 all the time looking for a job in my career path and trying to regain the ground lost so that we could have some decent retirement.

Then, well another layoff due to offshoring! Yea!

What I didn’t know was that the other half wasn’t thinking the same way I was. Even If I’d made half a million a year, and done the max 401K contribution, it wouldn’t have helped much. We’d have been in about the same boat I’m in right now. Unless I was putting hard cash away in some other kind of investments.

It made me sad. I tried to do better for us.

I didn’t plan for him dying before we’d retired. I figured I’d be the one on the slab first.

That’s actually kind of funny.

Like Baldrick from Black Adder, my cunning plan blew up in my face.

This is one of the hardest parts of all this. It’s the recognition of what we almost had, what we missed, what we’d hoped for, and dreamt of.

I sometimes feel like I’m sweeping up broken glass. I keep getting those thin shards in my feet because I’m barefoot and I can’t cross the glass to my shoes.

What I’d really like to do is finish the dang story so I can publish it.