Category: Male

Well that rite of passage is over!

The surgical center gave me a lovely parting gift telling me I had no issues in my colon and there were pictures to prove it. (Again, places that a camera should never go!)

I’m going to plug these folks because they deserve it.

The Newport Beach Surgery Center is an absolutely fantastic place for Outpatient procedures.

This is the second time I’ve been in their care and they really do make the experience as pleasant as possible the staff is simply great.

I can also recommend the following physicians.

Dr. Lochner – Internal Medicine
Dr. Rodriguez – Gastroenterology, Internal Medicine
Dr. Shadid – Surgeon
Dr. Topkis – Anesthesiology
Dr. Patel – Anesthesiology

The reason there are two anesthesiologists listed is that depending on scheduling at Newport Beach Surgery Center it’s luck of the draw.

They were both were kind, courteous, and gentle. Also, what they said was going to happen did.

I vaguely remember going out for the surgery, and seeing Dr. Topkis putting something into the IV. But I don’t remember anything else until I woke up in recovery.

With Dr. Patel and the colonoscopy… I remember being wheeled into the room with the equipment and seeing Dr. Rodriguez even teasing with him a bit and then I think Dr. Patel put something in the IV and I must have dropped mid thought…

I woke up in recovery with an oxygen mask and heard the soft beep beep beep of a heart monitor.

If you’re looking for excellent care, and people that are HUMAN instead of what has become all too common in physicians these days I’d say make the drive to Newport Beach.

You might not want to mention that I sent you… I’m a real pain in the ass as a patient… You don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with these folks! 🙂

Now about the Colonoscopy itself…

Guys, as has been said many times, the prep is the absolute worst part of this procedure. (I got an “Excellent” on my report about my prep, so there!) Doc Rodriguez wanted me to not eat anything except clear liquids the day before the procedure. I was able to have coffee that morning.

Around 3:00 PM that day, I started drinking the “kool-aid” (actually the stuff is some Polyethylene Glycol concoction with a ton of mineral salts in it.)

The biggest problem for me is that I knew I was drinking something that I shouldn’t be. My instincts about self preservation and not intentionally hurting myself were going nuts! (Note to any Psychs reading this, You’re not likely to ever see me on a suicide watch list.)

After overriding my instincts, and drinking about 3 glasses of this stuff… well, it was time to take a book and go to the bathroom. It wasn’t too bad at first but by the time I’d finished the whole 4 liters of the mix

I was ready to see ANY room in the house except the bathroom.

After the flushing, I was just tired, hungry, cranky and my butt was sore. Oh, one of the nurses suggested and I recommend it too, get a box of baby wipes for yourself. Even with the baby wipes, my butt was sore, I can’t imagine what it would have been like with just toilet paper.

By about 6 PM the Bathroom time was done and I did treat myself to a little bit of lemon Jello about 8PM. (NOTE: Nothing RED or PURPLE. I guess the dyes can look like blood or something else abnormal.)

After that water, plenty of water… watch a little TV, then bed time.

Next morning, up early. Jerry was so kind driving me down there even though I was cranky. The drive to Newport is a long one from Wrightwood but for the quality of care it’s worth it.

After the prep, it’s a pretty easy deal. You show up at the facility, check in, get into one of those silly gowns with no back, and they take you to a nice bed. You’re asked a few questions, then they hook you up to an IV. Strange thing about the IV is that I was thirsty when I got to the place, but after the IV had been running a bit I wasn’t thirsty anymore and in fact had to get out of the bed to take a leak.

This is where I appreciate the staff at Newport Surgical. They’re Busy as hell! And yet they were kind and acted like it was no problem to help me trundle my ass to the bathroom. I know it must have been a pain for them to break their routine but they didn’t even blink.

After that it’s like “Click” and you’re in recovery. I can suggest that if you wake up with an oxygen mask on, BREATHE DEEP.

It helps, my head cleared probably within a half hour. I remember thinking breathe, this is the good stuff! I occupied myself reading the vitals monitor above my head. When I first work up I vaguely remember that it looked like my BP and Heart Rate were a tad high (for Me) but then as I kept breathing deep everything stabilized back to normal. I don’t know what that was about but it kept me interested and conscious. (figure I’ll ask about it when I see the Doc next.)

There is one thing that you should be prepared for. When it’s over, you’ll be lying there and you will be passing gas. A LOT of gas. No it’s not technically yours. The procedure pumps a bit of gas into you so that they can see the walls of your colon better. So… after the tube is removed, well you get the picture.

Dudes let ‘er rip! The post op nurse is listening for that to make sure you’re ok.

I remember some conversation about it as I was being unhooked from the IV. It may be the ONLY time when its OK be as loud as you want. (aside from competitions with your hunting buddies or brothers)

Think about the beans scene in Blazing Saddles

We were in the car by 9 or 10 and home by 11 am. No ill effects and while I did nap a bit off and on during the day it wasn’t a completely awful experience.

As an aside

I did a little research on something called a virtual colonoscopy as well. I think going old school is probably a better idea for ONE simple reason.

If you actually have to have a growth removed… The virtual will show it but you’re still going to have to go old school to actually have it removed.

That being the case… if the prep is the same you might as well have the tube in your colon ready to remove the growth right then. I’m for a minimalist approach, save the extra steps and it’s probably less expensive in the long run.

That’s just my opinion. And FOR GOD SAKE don’t take anything I’ve said here as gospel. THIS is just MY experience your results will vary. Talk to your Doctor and come to your own conclusions.

As always… Think for yourself!

I was at my Doctors office for a routine checkup a couple of weeks ago.

He was flipping through my chart reviewing my previous stats and he paused.

Then he looks up and says, “You’re 50 aren’t you?” ummm “Yeah”, I answer. Not at all sure I like his tone or where this is going. I feel like I’m about to find out that I’ve become a character in a real life Logans Run.

“Didn’t we discuss a Colonoscopy the last time you were in?”, he says. I’m thinking “Damn! I was hoping that we would just ignore that for another oh…. 50 YEARS!” But I answer, “nope Doc we didn’t” and I’m really unhappy about the Southerly direction our conversation has taken.

Like most men the whole idea of someone doing Fantastic Voyage up my rear end is to say the least… off-putting?

I realize that I’m going to be out of it. I certainly don’t want to witness the procedure although, it’s my understanding that a few brave souls watch the process on a conveniently placed monitor.

You know, I might watch YOUR Colonoscopy making rude comments the whole time but Mine??? Nah hit me with the Michael Jackson juice and call me when the medical folks have finished, I’ll do the walk of shame out of the outpatient surgical center knowing that someone has seen parts of me that even my Mother has never seen.

It’s a violation. No matter how nicely it’s done, or the reasons behind it, there are places that cameras should just NEVER go!

Bathhouses, Nudist weight loss camps, The dungeon of Mistress Ruth, Weasel Burrows during mating season, YOUR PARENTS Bedroom when they’re feeling frisky.

On the plus side I’m pretty confident in the Doctors, both my GP who has never steered me wrong and in the Doc who’s actually going to be driving the camera. They’ve both been really good about answering the questions “Why is this medically necessary?” and “What are the risks, aside from losing out on the internet syndication rights?”

As an interesting aside, the Doc who’s driving the camera up my rear also did the driving in my GP I figure if my GP still recommends him he must be good. Or my GP is a real Sadist! (Hummm, ya know I’ll get back to you on that.)

So why as a guy do you submit to this?

It gives the Doctors a baseline of your general colon health.

You may well have growths in your colon that can cause problems. Getting those things removed now is easier, you’re younger and they’re smaller.

You’d hate to discover these problems just before you’re about to retire and go fishing for the rest of your life. It would truly SUCK to find out that you were going to spend your retirement in the hospital then die from something that was easily treatable 20 years before. Look at it like changing the oil and plugs in your car. Yeah… the car was running ok when you did it but the car will run ok longer afterwards.

If you’ve been developing issues as you got older with certain foods really upsetting your gut, this is a good opportunity to see if the problem is just you getting older or something more serious.

Again the car metaphor fits it’s easier and cheaper to do preventative maintenance or minor repair than to wait for something to really break.

Your significant other gets a threefer!

They get to feel useful because they have to drive you to and from the appointment.

They get to smirk, joke, and talk behind your back with their friends about your prep when you’re developing thrust from your bowels emptying. “My God Edna, I always knew he was full of shit but I never realized just how much! Titter titter. Oh gotta go he just came out of the bathroom looking for a beer!”

For once, your wife knows you’ve experienced a similar shame to the one she’s dealt with yearly in having strangers poking in places they have no business.
My voyage of discovery is scheduled for next week.

I’ll probably have something to say about it then. I’m trying to look on the positive side of it but something about taking a drug that will GIVE ME Montezuma’s Revenge is just Wrong!

I wonder if I could just go to Mexico for a wild weekend and at least have the fun of drinking the water and eating the food?

Probably not… But that sounds like a LOT more fun.