Category: Male

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Finally up and out of bed…

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And NO I wasn’t spending days in bed having a good time! If ONLY!

I threw my back out and WOW! Its been a long time since I’ve felt blinding pain like that.

Every step was followed by agonizing twitching in my low back. Each twitch felt like a flaming dull knife was being repeatedly plunged into my iliac crest (Top of the hip bone) then sawing down to my knee and balls at the same time.

Yeah it HURT!

I tried to tough it out, but after 3 days of not much change, I went to bed. 

Two days later I’m feeling much better and even feel like writing without having every thought focused on burning agony.

My only comfort was that for the two days I was in bed I didn’t have to put clothes on. Mind you, I didn’t feel like having any kind of traditional “naked fun” but at least I was more comfortable than being wrapped in clothing.

After this I can understand why so many “Snake oil” remedies exist for back problems.

I’d have made a deal with Satan to make it stop. Of course that deal would have involved me holding on to MY soul and selling out the rest of you, but that’s another story.

In any case I’m finally on the mend but since I’m alone and the temp isn’t too low I might strip off these dang clothes and just enjoy working on my projects in the buff.

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My Schrödinger’s Insurance policy

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Seems to be my lot in life, my insurance is always a pain in the butt.

I switched to a provider that supposedly has a real PPO instead of the Bullshit PPO that was really an EPO my previous insurance provider was selling.

I’m not getting a good feeling. The policy was supposed to have taken effect on Jan 1 but as of Jan 19th I still had no insurance cards, and no paper communication from them. 

Do I have a policy at all? They took my money.

I called them and found out BIG SURPRISE I apparently have Schrödinger’s insurance policy.

I’m not surprised at all. The universe seems to like to play with me and insurance policies. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem except that I was trying to have a prescription filled.

I think I’m playing the part of THE CAT in this experiment! 

After an hour on the phone, many assurances, apologies, and stressing my jinglish translation capabilities… I think it’s straightened out. Either that or I’ve initiated 3 additional policies and purchased 4 cats.

I was able to pick up the prescription so that represents at least a little progress.

In the Misrepresentation Category 

There is still the matter of the previous Insurance and policy that has declined to pay for anything except routine prescriptions. This is the policy that was sold as a PPO but it’s actually an EPO, or perhaps an HMO. I call it a NOMO (No Medical Organization). 

This policy was supposed to include a once a year physical at no cost to me. They’re refusing to pay any part of that routine physical and FYI the cost of my annual physical this year is well under $1000  

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The funny thing about it is this. The cost of the physical and labs is $100 LESS than a single monthly payment which I faithfully paid them throughout the year.

It turns out I can mathematically I can prove that for at least last year, I would have been better off without insurance at all.

I saw my doctor exactly once. I’m guessing that the Insurance company made about $300 profit from me each month.

I’m hoping that the folks associated with this rip off plan burn for a while in the fires of hell. Not because of me, per se.  

It’s all those little old folks that purchased this bullshit policy in good faith and then ended up screwed because their medical costs quickly spiraled out of control. I’m lucky in that I’m pretty healthy, but what about those other folks that aren’t?

I know that the legal system can’t punish these executives I can hope that a higher power does.

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You know you’ve been in a relationship too long when…

Ceiling Fan

You almost fight on Christmas Eve about the direction a ceiling fan is going.

Yep, you read that right.

Here’s the deal, I had to flip a breaker so that I could replace a broken light switch.

As an aside, this light switch was a $50 motion sensing complicated deal made in China. As usual all I could think about was the line from Mr Scott in one of the Star Trek movies. “The more you overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to stop up the works.”

Anyhow, once again I discover that the electrician the builder contracted while this house was being built, had been hit by 220V once too often. The single breaker, turns off all the overhead lighting fixtures, and the sockets that feed the network closet. It’s a miracle that the breaker doesn’t trip when I flip on a light. 

ClockwiseAnticlockwise

However, this configuration also means that the overhead fan in the dining area got turned off.  Because it’s a “smart machine”, it had forgotten which direction it was set for by the time I flipped the breaker back on.

Which led to this exchange between myself and the Other Half.

OH: “Turn the fan off so that you can set the direction.”

ME: “Why?”

OH: “So you can set the fan to rotate clockwise for winter.”

ME: “It’s already turning clockwise.”

OH: “No it isn’t. The fan always resets after a power outage.”

ME: “I know, but I’m looking at it right now, the fan is turning clockwise.”

OH: “No it isn’t.” (Turning the fan off and hitting the reverse button)

ME: “What direction is clockwise sweetie?”

Me Thinking this would be resolved when the other half re-evaluated that clockwise is something spinning from left to right. Instead, the other half points to fan and starts calling off 12, 3, 6, 9. Indicating a clockwise motion from left to right.

ME: “Sweetie, what direction are the fan blades turning?” Indicating the slowing fan blades of the now powered off fan

OH: “Clockwise”

ME: “So we didn’t need to reverse the fan.”

OH: “Yes we did.”

Clockface

ME: “Ok are you looking at the fan from the top or bottom?”

OH: “From the bottom.”

ME: “So we didn’t need to reverse the fan.”

OH: “Yes we did.”

I take off my watch, I hold it face down in front of the fan whose blades are now moving very slowly. 

ME: “Clockwise is the direction that the clock hands move right?”

OH: Gives me dirty look

ME: “Are the fan blades moving the same direction as the second hand of my very expensive swiss watch?”

OH: “Why are you being an ass?”

ME: “I’m honestly not trying to be an ass. I’m trying to make sure that we’re working from a common set of reference points so that when you tell me to make the fans in the house go Clockwise, I get it right. Alternatively, if I’m telling you how to tighten a screw if I say clockwise to tighten, you are successful. I’m actually trying to adapt my internal programming to accommodate your needs.” 

OH: Stomps out of house, “I’m going to the grocery store! Reverse the damn fan!”

Trying to put this to bed I go down to the basement, get the ladder so I can get to the switches on the fans in the bedrooms and I reverse all the fans in the house.

Based on the data obtained in our conversation prior to the other half stomping out, I’ve set all the units spinning in a direction I call Counterclockwise.

One hour later… 

OH: “I told you to reverse the fans!”

ME: “I did.”

OH: “No you didn’t, they’re spinning clockwise!”

ME: Facepalm

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Had a great day yesterday.

Santa

Yesterday was my annual Christmas Shopping trip.

An old friend and I used to do a Christmas trip many years ago, but now that he’s married, he has a lot of family responsibilities. Our annual shopping trips have become less frequent.

That’s not an accusation, his wife’s family is very into the holidays and each other’s lives. My friend’s duty is clear between his family, and his wife’s family which is now THEIR combined family, there are a ton of obligations.

Honestly I don’t know how the hell they maintain their schedule. Must be really good drugs!

I try to get together with him as soon after the first of the new year as our schedules allow.

SC Tree

However, nature abhors a vacuum. Apparently, so does South Coast Plaza! 

Another old friend needed a shopping buddy. So one day a year, we have lunch, drinks, Ok perhaps a couple of drinks, then we go shopping for our loved ones. Both of us fervently hoping to find the “perfect” gift and often we purchase a gift for ourselves along the way.

This year, I think I did good. My friend also found something perfect! 

Capital Grill

Unlike years past, we returned to his house, then another couple came over.

After more drinks, cheese, an excellent Italian dinner mixed with tons of laughter, off color jokes, and more laughter, suddenly the clock struck midnight.

We adjourned each to their homes and I found myself having one last pleasure of the evening. 

Empty freeways.

I queued up my favorite playlist, the first song was “Keep the Streets Empty” by Fever Ray. 

The perfect end to a perfect day.

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The Best Legitimate massage in 100 miles.

Reception

Just got off the massage table and I feel like a million bucks.

Although I’m a bit addled so I’m having a Starbucks to kinda wake back up.

Heres the deal, if you’re looking for the best legitimate massage between LA/OC and Palm Springs you really need to go see my friend Mark.

No Questions! Just go. He’s the best, works on everybody and is reasonably priced to boot. 

Here’s my story… I called to schedule my usual massage & Mark tells me he’s got a new address. His old studio was great so I think, “What’s up?”

Massage Room 1

The deal is this, after years of him working 5 days a week for Massage Envy (Who, as an aside, I wouldn’t do business with because of their nasty attitude and even crappier policies.) Mark decided to open his own place. 

He’s got a very nice multi room space in a small shopping plaza. The new studio is beautifully done, its quiet and very relaxing. 

His plan is to build out the other rooms, provide space for some other licensed massage folks and then provide no attitude, quality massages for everyone.

I have no doubt that he’ll succeed. During the years he was at Massage Envy, as a courtesy, he worked on me in his smaller private studio. I should add, he was working on me on HIS Day off. 

Yeah, that’s the kind of guy he is, a truly decent & caring human being.

Path To Relaxation

Mark’s repertoire includes a variety of massage styles and everything from simple massage to hot stones and stretching. (In truth, I haven’t sampled all the different modalities Mark offers. Hey, I’m a simple kind of guy.)

Mark is, and has been licensed forever. This is in stark contrast to many of the folks you see in ads on craigslist or wherever else. That license issue is important because it says he’s had real training, knows his stuff, and is capable of doing deep work without causing injury. 

For me, there’s nothing like laying down on the warm table and just drifting away.

I prefer really deep massage and in many of our sessions, I’ve screamed like a little girl and called him every name in the book. Sometimes I’ve done both at the same time.  

Mark’s strong hands will relax you, and he doesn’t have a problem with you screaming like a little girl, even if you’re a big ‘ol hockey player.

Mark also can do gentle. A few times when I’ve really hurt myself, he’s patiently and gently worked out the hurt spots. We won’t discuss the numerous occasions where I fell asleep because I was comfortable, safe, and relaxed. 

So all that being said… with all the stresses of the holiday season, take a little bit of time out for yourself.

Go see Mark. You aren’t going to have a “Happy Ending” but you’ll leave his place Happy and relaxed.

BCard