Category: Humor

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I read a new term today that cracked me up.

The term was Covidians

As in religious practitioners.

Immediately I visualized scores of people in robes singing praises to the grand protectors.

Blessed be the Mask.
Blessed be the Harmony of Social Distancing.
Blessed be the co-mingling of the vaccine with our blood.
Blessed be the lack of heretics for what is once done is forever done. All hail the jab!

All of this being done under stained glass widow showing an angelic Dr. Fauci haloed and masked. Perhaps with crossed syringes behind him. On the right, would be the holy first shot and on the left the holy booster.

Of course, no religion would be complete without curses.

Cursed be the unvaxxed, for they shall inherit death.
Cursed be the deniers, for they are minions of the evil one, he of orange hue and wicked tongue.
Cursed be purveyors of treatments, for they seek to undo the will of the almighty COVID, without the blessings of the holy jab.
Cursed be those who will not mask, for they shall breathe naught but the unclean air and pestilence.
Cursed be the pagan ones who dance in the sunlight and bathe in the sea for they wallow in filth.

As I was picturing this insanity I realized that I was pulling some of the imagery from the movie Ultraviolet.

As movies go, it was a bit weak on the plot. The visuals were impressive and in the end, the badguy did get his just deserts. So there was a certain satisfaction in that.

Ironically, the bad guy in the movie bears a slight resemblance to St. Fauci of the Mask, only a few years younger.

I was flashing on all of this and completely forgot what the article was about.

But… It started my day with a weird bit of silliness and a smile.

I hope you have some silliness that makes you smile in the weekend ahead.

I’m thinking I’ll fire up the DVD player and see if I can dig out my copy of the movie just for the hell of it.

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In honor of Thanksgiving…

I’m watching Addam’s Family Values.

It’s a fun romp.

I may revert to the annual tradition of the Alien Movies, or perhaps the 1950 and 1960 movies about invasions or space travel.

The movie selection is confusing I know…

The tradition of watching Alien on Thanksgiving dates back many years to happy Turkey Meals, good drinks, and Black Friday shopping with one of my oldest and dearest friends. (Let me tell you… HE’S OLD!)

It wasn’t intentional, it just so happened that we’d put on a movie from the Alien franchise drink, eat chips and dip and wait for the Turkey to be ready. As the Alien Franchise expanded we simply started with Alien earlier in the day. And so a tradition was born.

This year I need a little humor.

Addams Family Values has a great scene depicting a play about the First Thanksgiving. In the scene, a pretty rich girl is pitted against Wednesday Addams. Hilarity ensues from there.

I think that we all could use a large dose irreverent humor these days.

I know I’m already looking forward to having a drink, and watching all the familiar tropes of Summer Camp, Political Correctness, rich versus poor, and inclusion being put through a blender.

What comes out is just good fun.

Especially when you consider that the Addams Family wealth eclipses all of the nouveau rich depicted in the film. Then consider that Wednesday, comes down on the side of the outcasts and leads them to a “win” in a signature Addams Family way.

I personally find the camp scene more satisfying than The scene in Logans Run where Farrah Fawcet has her face blown off by the automated surgery robot.

Don’t get me wrong, I had nothing against Farrah, she was beautiful.

But there’s just something about her getting what’s coming to her after betraying Logan that is viscerally satisfying. I suppose that satisfaction is due in part to the fact that all too often those who really deserve a bit of Karma don’t get it.

I hope you all have a great Turkey Day and take some time to just take a breath, relax and enjoy something completely escapist.

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Well I tried…

Last night there was a lunar eclipse. This one was a super long one, only happening once in 1000 years.

In honor of the duration and rarity of the event I stayed up past my bedtime and walked out onto the deck to do what we often don’t do enough of.

I looked up.

The first time I went out, the sky was clear, with just a bit of haze and I could see the beginning of the eclipse.

Unfortunately my phone couldn’t. But this is what the beginning of the eclipse looked like and I thought I was going to be golden for the whole event.

I’d already heard from some friends “Down Below” (Yeah I live on a mountain and am elitist about it, So what!) that they were experiencing fog and cloudy conditions so they couldn’t see anything.

I smugly went back inside to warm up, secure in the knowledge that I’d be able to see the whole show. (Ahem! Mother Nature why do you hate me?)

I went back out about 30 minutes later to this.

What we have here is clear proof that A) Mother Nature hates me, and B) She has a cruel sense of humor.

If you’ll notice, this is a band of clouds, a single strip, the skies are relatively clear on either side.

The rest of the eclipse was more of the same from my vantage point. A strip of clouds that was moving in just the right direction to look like a curtain pulled across this celestial event.

Like I said Mother Nature hates my sorry ass.

There was a thinning of the clouds, and I could see the shadow covering part of the moon, the camera was even able to catch it, but much of the rest of the event was hidden.

From this picture, you can see that Mother Nature is also a bit of a tease.

That being said, I tried my best. I’m sure that Mother Nature is having a good laugh with friends this morning.

“Oh, Poseidon you should have seen the look on this one guys face when I painted over the moon with clouds! I haven’t seen a look that sad in millennia. Not since that poor tourist spent his life savings to visit Atlantis only to arrive just as it sunk. Hahahahahaha!“

Yes indeed the gods are capricious.

I hope you have a good day and pleasant weekend. I’m going to take a mid-day siesta and hope that there’s not an earthquake! (Poseidon, Hephaestus, I’m looking at you guys! No angry earth movements or accidents at the forge today please.)

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Well… I’ll be dipped!

President Biden’s inauguration speech talked about unity in America.

At the time, I was like oh yeah, sure you have never been about unity, you senile old fossil.

But here we are 9 months later and sonofabitch if the old fossil hasn’t started to deliver.

Based on Biden’s poll numbers, he has created unity among Democrats, Republicans, Independents, and Libertarians.

Unity against him!

That unification also extends to Vice President Kamala Harris whose personal poll numbers are even lower.

Biden’s been able to unify opposition to handgun bans. In 2014 it was about 50/50 pro or against. Now according to a recent poll, only 19% of persons polled are in favor of banning handguns.

He’s also unified 160 Senators (and counting) against his unconstitutional vaccine mandate. That’s a surprise too.

Some 53% of a recent politico poll believe that Biden is not mentally fit for the position of President. Wow! Another win for Biden’s unification speech.

In the same poll voters were asked;

If they believed he is a strong leader (56% said “No”)

If he is trustworthy (51% said “No”)

If he is honest (51% said “No”)

If he keeps his promises (52% said “No”)

Is Energetic (60% said “No”)

Is a clear communicator (57% said “No”)

Is stable ( 48% said “No”)

Is capable of leading the country (53% said “No”)

But, but… President Biden won the election with better numbers than President Obama. How then could he have lost so much support in so short a time?

One word.

Incompetence

I have to give credit where credit is due, Former President Obama is credited with saying something like; no matter what job you give to Joe, he’s gonna fuck it up. Perhaps one of the few things I agree with Former President Obama about.

Biden could have been dumb as a post but still done a decent job, if he’d surrounded himself with smart people. But instead, he seems to have surrounded himself with people who are his mental equals. Some of the things these people say are simply astounding.

So astounding, that I’ll often go to any video presentation of their speeches or comments to hear every word in context. I always finish viewing these videos with the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end. I usually can’t make it through one of these videos without having my brain reboot at least twice.

On the other hand, I’ve done due diligence in making sure the printed material I read wasn’t a bunch of snippets taken out of context and strung together. ( You know the way the press would often do with another former President… Just sayin.)

More’s the pity, they have said exactly the stupidest things that were reported in print. I’m always left with a cold pit in my stomach when I remember these are the people in control of our country.

On the bright side, The Biden Administration has in fact gone a long way to unifying the country.

Again, we must give credit where credit is due.

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From here on out, all my clothing will be gray

It occurred to me as I was sorting my laundry that by separating the white clothing from the colored clothing I was engaging in systemic institutionalized racism.

Even the laundry detergent instructions engage in this kind of oppression.

I think too that all of my clothing should be uniform, a simple set of pants held up with a rope. After all, leather belts are not green, not PETA approved, and might be used to strap poor immigrants. Although I suppose a rope might be construed as another symbol of racism, given how ropes were used in the past.

I know, to avoid this, I’ll use a string or bit of twine.

My shirt will be a gray tunic not requiring any buttons. Plastics being bad and all. I guess I could carve buttons if I really needed them.

Since leather is murder and its production requires cows whose flatulence contribute to the destruction of the planet I’ll strap the bark of trees to my feet, or perhaps I’ll use some of the piles of used tires in dumps, cut to fit my feet, instead of shoes.

I can pad my footwear with 20 or 30 discarded masks that are prevalent in the streets, on trails, and in the forest these days. Since rope is a no-no perhaps I can use some bits of twine to affix my retreads to my feet as well. I’ll bet I could carve a Nike swoosh on the bottoms and retain stylishness.

The nasty chemicals required to make clothing dyes hurt the planet too, so by going gray I can stop climate change.

This ensemble will make getting dressed in the morning so much faster. I won’t have to pause to decide what I’d like to wear anymore. If there’s no choice then there’s no time wasted deciding.

Laundry will also be much simpler, with no sorting of clothing, everything can just be carried to the creek behind my dwelling and I can hope for some trickle of water to be running. There are plenty of nice flat rocks to beat my clothing on and then I can hang the clothing on some friendly trees until they’re dry.

There will be times in the winter when the creek is frozen, and times in the summer when the creek bed is dry, so obviously I won’t even have to wash clothing then. I can just rub some of the gray dirt surrounding my dwelling on any offensive stains and I’ll look fresh as a daisy.

I do hope no-one will be offended by my naked bathing in the creek (water dependent of course) Or when I’m lying out on a large flat rock allowing the sun to dry my skin.

I’d never thought that being “woke” could be so simple. Or that my life would be enriched by total convenience and simplicity just by going woke. This is going to be bliss.

I seem to recall China instituted a nice homogenous dress code and their people were very happy about it. I’m sure we’ll be just as happily un-racist in our future. Oh, there is the slight problem of our dwellings. Well, I’m sure that our government will provide us all with a nice uniform gray, EPA approved paint for the purposes of ensuring community equity and consistency.

Maybe they’ll distribute approved paint with our mandatory physicals just before we pay our mandatory tithes while swearing and/or demonstrating our loyalty to our masters.

Yeah, I woke up in a mood today! I don’t know why, perhaps I was having bad dreams or something.