Category: Humor

Posted on

"hi"

That is why I’m on fewer and fewer “adult oriented” social media sites.

“hi”

I hate that! I go to the trouble of creating a fairly complete profile, I specifically state who I am, my hobbies, interests, and a small bit of humorous information about me precisely so that the reader has enough to

a) Decide if they’d like to speak to me
b) Have something around which to start a conversation.

“‘sup?”

How about a complete sentence or better yet a whole thought?

Something like;

Hi there, I enjoyed reading your profile. You’re a SCUBA diver? I’m curious about it, but worry that it’s too expensive for my budget. Would you have time to give me a basic run down from your perspective?

At least there is a basis for a conversation.

Or how about a sender saying;

Dammn! you’re handsome… wanna fuck?


I could handle and respect that and at least it’s not wasting my time and burning through my patience with inane one word responses that pass as a conversation. Hell I could program my phone or computer to answer with one randomly chosen word in response to your one word “Conversation Starters”.

“what are you doing?”


This is another major time waster… how do I answer that? Would it be appropriate for me to say;

I’m taking a huge dump and wondering if I’ve got time to jerk off before I have to get dressed for that church service?


I’ve often thought about answering that way but frankly I fear the string of one or two word responses that I’d have to respond to.

I can picture something like;

“Cool”
“like to suck you.”
“ummm hot”


Of course if I look up the senders location it’s one extreme or the other. It’s always the sender is somewhere like Cambodia. Or the sender is 5 miles away and I when I say GREAT! Come on over I could use a blowjob. I’d like to see my cum dripping from your chin


Then suddenly, the conversation stops. Or there are endless excuses…

You know, if you’re going to say you’d like to suck my dick…

Put your mouth where my dick is!

Posted on

Guess I’m getting a tad old

My brother took an extended lay-over on his way to Mexico.
It was good seeing him and as always I count myself lucky to have someone like him in my life.
I picked him up from the airport on Wednesday in the rain.
The only crappy thing was a guy who was 1) an asshole 2) obviously having a bad day. I was making the approach to the terminal doing about 10 miles an hour and looking at the terminal curbside for a place to park.
Yeah I was a bit distracted and in the rain my visibility was reduced. Not meant as excuses just statement of facts.
I was, as I said driving pretty slowly (Actually the posted speed limit for once!) I’d looked ahead of me saw nothing and then out of the corner of my eye I see movement. Fuck! I think. Where did he come from? This guy was in the crosswalk and I’d have sworn that there hadn’t been anybody in that crosswalk just a second before. I must have missed him, before I can apologize… He’s hitting the side of my car with his bag.
Ya know, I made a mistake. But that is no reason to fucking damage the car.
I’ve never understood that attitude.
Yes, pedestrians have the right of way in California. But pedestrians can see something as large as a car far more easily than a driver in a car can see them. I’ve been on the other side. I’ve had close calls in crosswalks. On a bright sunny day when I make eye contact with a driver there is no excuse, on a foggy, rainy day or at twilight, you know it’s easy for me to stop and chalk it up to the driver not seeing me.
But I wouldn’t hit someones car, especially on rain slicked roads where if the driver panics and slams on their brakes there is a potential for the car to fishtale, spin, or slide dangerously.
All I can say is, dude… I hope you weren’t going to New York. That attitude of yours will get you hit by a car or get your knees broken by someone with a worse attitude than yours and a lot of pride in their car.
I’ve often thought that California should change it’s pedestrian laws to be consistent with the rest of the country.
Since we have so many foreign drivers and transplants from other states. You really can’t count on anyone to stop anymore. I guess the only advantage is that if you’re hit in a crosswalk the law and insurance is on your side, that would probably be true anyway. Of course that’s predicated on the person that hit you actually stopping. All too often now the driver splits.
On the next circuit around the airport I see my Brother at the curb. It was perfect timing. I pop the trunk, he drops his bag in and we’re on the way out to the freeway.
We had a great visit.
He’s so much like me in many ways and at the same time he’s very different. I enjoy spending time with him.
He pointed out that it’s my turn to come visit him and he’s right. I’ve never been to Minnesota, of course I question if this is the time of year to be visiting Minnesota the fall has got to be pretty on the other hand I can’t afford to get snowed in.
My brother was here for a day and a half.
The day we spent together was fun we took the day slow and checked out the Air Museum in Chino. I’d never been there and I’ll definitely go back. They’ve got a nice operation there.
I was impressed that my brother knew the model of dang near every plane in the collection on sight.
It was also surprising to me how the physical sizes of the planes was not what I expected. I’ve been around Cessnas, and private business jets but had only seen pictures of a lot of the planes in this collection.
Most of the pictures I’m familiar with give no sense of scale.

The WWII fighters were larger than I expected and that some bombers were smaller than I expected. There was a V1 Buzz Bomb on display. It was surprisingly small. At first I thought it was a mockup but it wasn’t, it had been lovingly restored just like all the other Aircraft in the collection.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have a lot of time but it was worth the visit even with a limited time. We got there later than we intended… My fault! Got a little lost, in part because the GPS in the car had no idea the street the museum is on existed. My phone on the other hand took us right to the front door… I paid $200 for a software update in the car, why????

After we left the Museum we went to a winery. He’d never done wine tasting and even though we were a bit rushed there we had some fun.
The wine tasting started a night of drinking.
My Brother will tell you that I was the instigator… Not true!
We started at the Wrightwood Inn, one of my preferred places to sit and have a drink.
Then we went to The Yodeler and had a couple of burgers. I’d had enough JD that I decided to have coke with my meal. He had a big bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale. Then we went back to the Inn and had a few more drinks.
The thing I like about drinking in town is that I can walk home if I have too much. Thankfully, that wasn’t necessary.
5AM comes quick the morning after…
He had a 10AM flight out of LAX. add a two hour drive from here to get him to the airport. Since he’s on an international flight they recommend that the traveler arrive at the airport 2 hours prior to departure which means that he needed to be at LAX by about 8AM. We left the house slightly after 6AM. My Bro was trashed….
I’m not sure if he was hung over but he was definitely hurting…
Hey, what are big brothers supposed to do? Isn’t this a normal thing? Aren’t you supposed to put your brother on a plane to Mexico with a strong desire to yak all over the place?
He slept off & on while I dealt with traffic, and was feeling better by the time we actually got to the airport.
Now I have to figure out how I’m going to mess him up when I put him on the plane for home in a month.
I didn’t want to let him know that I was hurting too. I did alright getting to and from the airport, but when I got home I crashed. It felt like I’d been hit by a truck.
I’m doing better this morning, but I have no desire to do anything except maybe go for a bicycle ride.
Even that is questionable…
I guess I’m getting too old for long nights of hard drinking.

I’m not quite as antique as this plane. 
Posted on

I’ve got a bad case of Phone-itus

A couple of weeks ago my cell phone just blanked out. No rhyme or reason, it was working fine one moment and bang the next it was completely useless.

Oh it did manage to annoy the hell out of me be telling me it was receiving messages and phone calls but wouldn’t let me actually see the messages or answer the calls or in fact control it at all.

I pulled the battery, I pulled the sim card, I rebooted it, nothing worked. The next day finds me in my local cell phone store. They confirmed that yep the phone wasn’t working right. So we start the process where the phone insurance sends me a new phone and we’re good.

While I’m there I see this beautiful new smartphone. Wow! nifty display, cameras front and back, 4G THE WORKS! (Yeah I’m a techno whore! SO What?) I’m drooling and I’m thinking hey maybe I should just upgrade to this beautiful baby and keep the phone the insurance is going to send me as a backup.

Mind you we’re talking about a 400.00 upgrade here.

The internal justification was all that more reasonable when I was told that I wouldn’t have a working phone for at least 4 days in large part thanks to a Google mapping mistake.

A lot of  companies  are using Google to verify shipping addresses. In my case, Google has my address in the wrong city. This has on more than one occasion  prevented products from being sent to my house.

This time the insurance / cell phone company couldn’t verify the address and categorically refused to send the replacement phone. This means that I’m going to have the phone sent to the other halfs workplace, because after all the house that I’ve lived in for 20 years is suddenly non-existent! Google says so, it must be true!

The whole time, the little voice is saying “Dude, you gotta have a phone… This one is freakin beautiful and you KNOW you’ll be happier with it than your old phone.”

I’m weakening in my resolve to do the right thing, and frankly PISSED off that Google has refused to correct the mistake that is now impacting my life on a fairly regular basis.

After a lot of back & forth in my head, I’ve finally beaten the fuck out of that little “Angelic guy on my shoulder” and decided to go for it.

The new phone, and an assortment of accessories is sitting on the counter. The clerk is scanning the bar codes and the total isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’m starting to get excited “Oh boy a new top of the line phone… goodie, goodie”, it’s like Christmas.

Shut up, I know it sounds insane. You should see me with a new car…

Just sayin…

The clerk asks me for the sim card out of my messed up phone. I pop the back off, pull the battery, pull the sim and hand it to her.  Because I’ve now got pieces of phone filling both hands I pop the battery back in the phone, and snap the back cover in place. After all I want to caress, hold, and watch the new phone as it powers up.

“Oh goodie, goodie, almost there. New phone! this is gonna be so cool!”

Out of the corner of my eye I see a light that I shouldn’t see. I try to ignore it, then I hear a start up tone and bigger than shit my “broken” phone is powering up normally. It’s sitting in my hand with a bright crisp clear display asking where the hell the sim card is.

DAMN!!!! I MEAN DAMN!!!

The “Angelic guy on my shoulder jumps up and says I told you so!”, The “Devil guy is stomping around screaming fuck, fuck!, fuckity, fuck!” The techno whore in me is whining in a most un-masculine fashion “But I waaaaannntttt it!”

I look at the clerk, Hoping that she’s gonna pull an I dream of Jeanie blink and my old phone will be dead again. She doesn’t.

Ever so reluctantly I tell her that we have to cancel the deal.

I can’t justify it anymore, I’ve got a working phone in my hands, that unconsciously I’m trying to strangle… Nope, the paper thin justification is gone. I can’t do it. It’s a chunk of change that I don’t need to be spending right now.

The clerk hands me back the sim card. I put it back in my old phone hoping against all reason that the damn thing doesn’t power up again. Nope, there’s the start-up tone, and the display is working right… Well SHIT!

I leave the store bummed, annoyed and feeling like a kid that got socks instead of a new bike for his birthday.

I had to do the adult thing. I know it was the right thing. Doesn’t make it any easier….

I will say this… the Next time my phone screws up… It’s outta here! And the latest new beautiful smart phone is going to be in my greedy techno whore hands!