Category: Humor

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Technology STINKS!

“Please say your 10 digit phone number so that I may access your account information to better serve you….”


“One moment please…. Sorry, I didn’t get that. Please say your 50 digit account number  and recite the first 500 base pairs of your personal genome starting with Adenine so that I may direct you to the appropriate representative.”

“Sorry, I didn’t get that.  We value your privacy… Please say or type the primes of your social security number using those numbers to solve the following equation…” 


“Sorry, that is incorrect… Please try your call again later….” CLICK

Maybe I’m a luddite…

I’m finding that as time passes and more and more “Conveniences” are added to my life the more inconvenient and time consuming things are.

I’m from the South, I have no detectable accent under normal circumstances. The exceptions being when I’m drunk or PISSED OFF!

And perhaps that’s the problem, by the time I manage to actually get a LIVE breathing human being on the phone I’m seriously PISSED OFF by having to deal with shitty voice prompts!

I resent having to spend 5 minutes walking through a list of menus and options that make the challenges of World of Warcraft appear simple, when all I wanted to do was ask a question like “When is the service going to be restored?”

“The answers to many questions can be found on our web site at www.answerthefuckingphone.com Please stay on the line for the next available representative.”

I was on the phone bright and early with the satellite provider asking questions about my plan with an eye toward perhaps upgrading or downgrading the service in an attempt to save a few bucks.

At the same time I learn that because of changes imposed by our wonderfully protective government the provider must now list a monthly cost that is exclusive of the equipment, HD services, and a bunch of other fees.

The upshot is that the package costs 59.99 but the receiver access is an additional 14.99 and the HD access (a BOGUS charge BTW) is 6.99 etc.etc.etc.  and by the time you add it all up. You end up paying EXACTLY what I’ve been paying for the past 6 years.

It was a lot easier for me as a consumer to say 59.99? That’s it? No ups? No extras? Cool! And that was what my bill was every month.

In this age of infinite account agreement changes, Terms of service, License agreements,  User agreements, and itemized disclosures. I could literally spend an hour or more a day reading the legalese or simply stop dealing with the issue all together.

Apple was lampooned by SouthPark and with good reason.

Here’s a little tale of what I mean, I wanted to download a FREE application for my Apple iPad. I went to the app store on the pad & clicked on the “Install” button.

Then I’m presented with a login dialog I give the password. “Wrong password.” Oh yeah, my bad. Apple put the app store in it’s own bucket instead of using the iTunes payment process engine like they had been doing.

I enter the right password. “Your credit card has expired” So what? It’s a FREE application! I go dig out the credit card and that’s when it hits me.

The information that Apple was showing me was from the .Mac account purchase. Since they’ve moved all their shit to the iCloud Now I have to maintain 2 user IDs and passwords for Apple.

I update the credit card information. “You didn’t completely fill out the form” I recheck the information and see they’re demanding that I fill in a salutation. I select “Mr.” and click next 

“You didn’t completely fill out the form” The credit card security number had been wiped because I didn’t fill out the form properly the first time. I re-enter the security number and click next.

“Please read and agree to the terms of service and user agreement” 

A dialog box opens. The box is maybe 3×3 and tells me that I have 42 pages of legalese that I need to read, evaluate, comprehend, and that by agreeing to this bullshit I’m entering into binding contract with Apple, it’s subsidiaries, assignees, and distant relatives in Alpha fucking Centauri! 

Remember this is a free app…

I clicked cancel, I’d had enough… I’m not a lawyer, I’m not an accountant, and I don’t fucking want to be!

Apples shit isn’t worth so much to me that I’m willing to be constantly bombarded with notice after notice and change after change to their terms and conditions. Which BTW is why I’m not buying stuff from iTunes anymore. Well, that and the DRM that renders the purchase unplayable on any non Apple device. You know, Like my phone, or my car…

Verizon is another one.

I’ve been paying AND viewing their bill directly through my bank for years.
They’ve changed their disclosure / privacy agreement again.  

“We value your privacy and we’re going to keep your bill so private… EVEN YOU wont be able to see it…”

I can still pay the bill through the bank…  but I can’t actually view the bill.

If I want to see the bill, I have to have a Verizon assigned PIN number to enter into their web site in addition to my user id and password and then they’ll let me see my bill online.

I admire their definition of convenience!

Like most of us I don’t look at the detail of utility bills unless they’re out of the ordinary.

I was all for saving the postage and the trees. But since Verizon makes these kinds of changes about every six months. I’m chasing down the latest magic incantation that will allow me to actually look at the bill practically every time I need to look at the detail.

Verizon is a phone company… They’re already on my, and most of Americas shit list. Their marketing folks really need to re-evaluate the way they handle their customer base. Of course they don’t think so because they’re still living in the ’60s. Well It’s possible to not have to deal with the Verizon or any of the Bells if you’re living in a city.

Cable can give you Phone, Internet, and Entertainment on one pipe. I personally use my cell phone for ALL voice communications the land line exists only to provide DSL and fax service. And the first Cable provider that comes to my town… I’m going with them and dumping Verizon like 3 day old sushi.

Banks are the worst

I’m getting notices about every quarter from my banks detailing the changes to my account. I fully expect for one of those notices in the near future to read;

Dear Mr. Consumer,

We’ve fucked up the US and World economy so badly that we regret to inform you of the following changes to your account. 

1) What money you thought you had, is gone. 

2) You are now the property of Mr. Chang Fu Shin of Bejing. 

3) You have 3 days to surrender your home, possessions, and any negotiable instruments. 

4) You will deposit your spouse, and any children you may have at the nearest shopping mall where they will be auctioned as sex slaves to the emerging third world.

5) Please report to the nearest sterilization and re-education camp by the end of the week.

Please Note: Anesthetic is available during the removal of your balls… For an additional fee. 

We at the Bank of Fuck you up sincerely regret any inconvenience this may have caused you, and thank you for your business.

I thought all this technology was supposed to make our lives simpler. Instead, I’m maintaining a spreadsheet with something close to 150 individual passwords and website addresses just to deal with normal shit.

When did I sign on to become these companies BITCH?

How many times have you clicked on a link from Google News, only to be taken to a page at say, the Wall Street Journal? Then you read the first three paragraphs of an article and when you click to go to the next page you’re asked “To keep reading this article create a free account.”


My Choice is not to play.

Starting today. I’m working on closing each and every account, website, or service that I don’t absolutely NEED.

I’m also going back to Paper Statements on every account I have to keep.

Heck, I may stop the online bill pay altogether and start writing checks again!

This so-called age of convienience is just far too complex.

Maybe, I’m just getting to be an old fart!

As an aside, I’ve never played World of Warcraft. I’m an xbox first person shooter kind of guy. Call of Duty anyone?

Posted on

"hi"

That is why I’m on fewer and fewer “adult oriented” social media sites.

“hi”

I hate that! I go to the trouble of creating a fairly complete profile, I specifically state who I am, my hobbies, interests, and a small bit of humorous information about me precisely so that the reader has enough to

a) Decide if they’d like to speak to me
b) Have something around which to start a conversation.

“‘sup?”

How about a complete sentence or better yet a whole thought?

Something like;

Hi there, I enjoyed reading your profile. You’re a SCUBA diver? I’m curious about it, but worry that it’s too expensive for my budget. Would you have time to give me a basic run down from your perspective?

At least there is a basis for a conversation.

Or how about a sender saying;

Dammn! you’re handsome… wanna fuck?


I could handle and respect that and at least it’s not wasting my time and burning through my patience with inane one word responses that pass as a conversation. Hell I could program my phone or computer to answer with one randomly chosen word in response to your one word “Conversation Starters”.

“what are you doing?”


This is another major time waster… how do I answer that? Would it be appropriate for me to say;

I’m taking a huge dump and wondering if I’ve got time to jerk off before I have to get dressed for that church service?


I’ve often thought about answering that way but frankly I fear the string of one or two word responses that I’d have to respond to.

I can picture something like;

“Cool”
“like to suck you.”
“ummm hot”


Of course if I look up the senders location it’s one extreme or the other. It’s always the sender is somewhere like Cambodia. Or the sender is 5 miles away and I when I say GREAT! Come on over I could use a blowjob. I’d like to see my cum dripping from your chin


Then suddenly, the conversation stops. Or there are endless excuses…

You know, if you’re going to say you’d like to suck my dick…

Put your mouth where my dick is!

Posted on

Guess I’m getting a tad old

My brother took an extended lay-over on his way to Mexico.
It was good seeing him and as always I count myself lucky to have someone like him in my life.
I picked him up from the airport on Wednesday in the rain.
The only crappy thing was a guy who was 1) an asshole 2) obviously having a bad day. I was making the approach to the terminal doing about 10 miles an hour and looking at the terminal curbside for a place to park.
Yeah I was a bit distracted and in the rain my visibility was reduced. Not meant as excuses just statement of facts.
I was, as I said driving pretty slowly (Actually the posted speed limit for once!) I’d looked ahead of me saw nothing and then out of the corner of my eye I see movement. Fuck! I think. Where did he come from? This guy was in the crosswalk and I’d have sworn that there hadn’t been anybody in that crosswalk just a second before. I must have missed him, before I can apologize… He’s hitting the side of my car with his bag.
Ya know, I made a mistake. But that is no reason to fucking damage the car.
I’ve never understood that attitude.
Yes, pedestrians have the right of way in California. But pedestrians can see something as large as a car far more easily than a driver in a car can see them. I’ve been on the other side. I’ve had close calls in crosswalks. On a bright sunny day when I make eye contact with a driver there is no excuse, on a foggy, rainy day or at twilight, you know it’s easy for me to stop and chalk it up to the driver not seeing me.
But I wouldn’t hit someones car, especially on rain slicked roads where if the driver panics and slams on their brakes there is a potential for the car to fishtale, spin, or slide dangerously.
All I can say is, dude… I hope you weren’t going to New York. That attitude of yours will get you hit by a car or get your knees broken by someone with a worse attitude than yours and a lot of pride in their car.
I’ve often thought that California should change it’s pedestrian laws to be consistent with the rest of the country.
Since we have so many foreign drivers and transplants from other states. You really can’t count on anyone to stop anymore. I guess the only advantage is that if you’re hit in a crosswalk the law and insurance is on your side, that would probably be true anyway. Of course that’s predicated on the person that hit you actually stopping. All too often now the driver splits.
On the next circuit around the airport I see my Brother at the curb. It was perfect timing. I pop the trunk, he drops his bag in and we’re on the way out to the freeway.
We had a great visit.
He’s so much like me in many ways and at the same time he’s very different. I enjoy spending time with him.
He pointed out that it’s my turn to come visit him and he’s right. I’ve never been to Minnesota, of course I question if this is the time of year to be visiting Minnesota the fall has got to be pretty on the other hand I can’t afford to get snowed in.
My brother was here for a day and a half.
The day we spent together was fun we took the day slow and checked out the Air Museum in Chino. I’d never been there and I’ll definitely go back. They’ve got a nice operation there.
I was impressed that my brother knew the model of dang near every plane in the collection on sight.
It was also surprising to me how the physical sizes of the planes was not what I expected. I’ve been around Cessnas, and private business jets but had only seen pictures of a lot of the planes in this collection.
Most of the pictures I’m familiar with give no sense of scale.

The WWII fighters were larger than I expected and that some bombers were smaller than I expected. There was a V1 Buzz Bomb on display. It was surprisingly small. At first I thought it was a mockup but it wasn’t, it had been lovingly restored just like all the other Aircraft in the collection.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have a lot of time but it was worth the visit even with a limited time. We got there later than we intended… My fault! Got a little lost, in part because the GPS in the car had no idea the street the museum is on existed. My phone on the other hand took us right to the front door… I paid $200 for a software update in the car, why????

After we left the Museum we went to a winery. He’d never done wine tasting and even though we were a bit rushed there we had some fun.
The wine tasting started a night of drinking.
My Brother will tell you that I was the instigator… Not true!
We started at the Wrightwood Inn, one of my preferred places to sit and have a drink.
Then we went to The Yodeler and had a couple of burgers. I’d had enough JD that I decided to have coke with my meal. He had a big bottle of Arrogant Bastard Ale. Then we went back to the Inn and had a few more drinks.
The thing I like about drinking in town is that I can walk home if I have too much. Thankfully, that wasn’t necessary.
5AM comes quick the morning after…
He had a 10AM flight out of LAX. add a two hour drive from here to get him to the airport. Since he’s on an international flight they recommend that the traveler arrive at the airport 2 hours prior to departure which means that he needed to be at LAX by about 8AM. We left the house slightly after 6AM. My Bro was trashed….
I’m not sure if he was hung over but he was definitely hurting…
Hey, what are big brothers supposed to do? Isn’t this a normal thing? Aren’t you supposed to put your brother on a plane to Mexico with a strong desire to yak all over the place?
He slept off & on while I dealt with traffic, and was feeling better by the time we actually got to the airport.
Now I have to figure out how I’m going to mess him up when I put him on the plane for home in a month.
I didn’t want to let him know that I was hurting too. I did alright getting to and from the airport, but when I got home I crashed. It felt like I’d been hit by a truck.
I’m doing better this morning, but I have no desire to do anything except maybe go for a bicycle ride.
Even that is questionable…
I guess I’m getting too old for long nights of hard drinking.

I’m not quite as antique as this plane.