Not that I’m complaining about it.
The week has been a weird one. It’s the one year anniversary of Jerry’s death. I was feeling it a little, but nothing unexpected, and in a way, now that I’ve been through a whole year there’s a sense of relief.
Part of it is distance from him having died and part of it is that now that I’ve been through all the holidays and special days I’m somewhat relieved and confident about having survived. Oh sure I was a little melancholy and nostalgic…
I’m still standing.
Monday into Tuesday
I was struck by the memory that on those dates it was the beginning of the end. I’d seen him carried out the door to the hospital unconscious and unresponsive. Most of that memory was fear and intense worry coupled with trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay.
Just a few days later he was dead.
Wednesday
Nothing much happened, I was cleaning and tossing but the day passed in a bit of a fog
Thursday,
Was the actual date… The day Jerry died. I spent with the dog, quietly.
Friday
I was at the temple for service and that was nice. It was music Jerry arranged or had a particular fondness for. After the service, one of the congregants said they were still upset and a little angry that Jerry had passed on. They said, “You must still be feeling that way too.”
“Oddly,” I explained, “I don’t. I still miss him terribly, but we had 34 years together. Most of those years were good ones. The years we had were more than many people get. Divorce, illness, accidents, all cut time spent with someone. That we found each other, loved, and endured for all that time was a gift. Of course I’d like to have more time but I’m thankful for what I got.”
The congregant nodded and said I had a good attitude. I suppose maybe I do.
Saturday
I had a lot on fun and pretty much spent all day yesterday laughing my ass off.
A long overdue get together with two men I’ve known for 44 years finally happened. We had a drink, in my case two… we wandered, talked, laughed, and enjoyed being together once again.
This get together should have been called the Fixed Income tour! It was the first time that all three of us got together after having retired.
We met when we were starting out, I remember those first paychecks, waiting in line to buy gas, and wondering why so much of our puny paychecks was whittled away in taxes.
What I didn’t know then was that these friends would in fact remain lifelong friends who cared, and for whom I cared, about all these years.
To be honest, a shit ton of people pass through our lives. Some of them you’re happy to see go, others you can’t hold onto, time and life pulls you apart, and the last and best category are friends that are constants like stars in the sky.
(Yes, I know stars aren’t forever… Shut it! Science brain. I’m waxing all poetical… The stars in the sky will outlast us and the planet!)
Yesterday I managed to walk right past a couple of Pro-Palestein protestors with their flags and stupid slogans and not challenge them. My two friends were hanging back a bit as we passed, whether to help if I lost control and shot my mouth off, or to just laugh if shot my mouth off and started a riot, I’m not sure. Perhaps a bit of both…
When we were going to pass the protestor’s spot again I wished I had a lighter because I wondered if I could legally burn their flags. The question popped out of my head following the logic that you can burn an American flag with impunity so why not a foreign flag?
It appeared that the Palestinian protestors had gone home for the day, protesting and waving flags being such hard work. (Dudes, you didn’t have to go to the gym on arms day!) I presume they were drowning their sorrows about Gaza with a lovely half caf double latte, a hot meal prepared by someone else, and a bong full of the latest variation of pot they’d procured. Their lives are, after all, soooo difficult.
I was gratified to note that there were only two Palestinian flags and it didn’t look like a lot of people were paying attention to the protestors. Maybe as Americans tend to do, we’re just getting bored hearing about it. Seen any Ukraine flags lately?
I suggested at one point that perhaps the three of us could go on a stealing spree through all the high end stores at the Glendale Galleria in keeping with the times. There was some question about what exactly the cash limit was before it became a felony. Since all of us are planners and have expensive tastes we couldn’t come to consensus about what we could steal and how much. Next time though…
We’re gonna shock the world as the “Geriatric Three”. At our ages it would be the perfect capper to our lives. Mug Shots in our 60s! I wonder if the police are more afraid of arresting old guys than young guys? The young guys are more like brawlers in a school yard, lots of swinging but not much damage.
Old guys though, well, we’re JUST PLAIN MEAN! Next time I see one of the local sheriffs maybe I’ll ask.
I even noticed I was “Hunting” there were some interesting people at the mall and I wasn’t being too subtle about checking them out. It’s been a year, I could start dating again without it being unseemly. I noticed I was doing something I swore I’d never do, I was being a little chicken-hawkish. Some of the guys I was noticing were so young, mid 30s to early 40s. My god! They could easily be my kid!
They were safe… The only way I could’ve caught them was if I was riding on one of those mobility scooters you see old folks riding in the park. The eye candy was nice. I knew some of them were pretty to look at but wholly incompatible with me or any of my beliefs. Perhaps it’s just as well that time and age is slowing me down a bit.
The way my knee was acting up toward the end of the day, I’m probably going to be in the market for a good cane soon. When I got home last night I think the health app said I’d walked 7 miles yesterday. I know I’d walked 1.5 miles with the dog in the early morning before heading to Glendale but was surprised that the total had ended up so high.
My knee didn’t start really acting up until later in the day. I’d tweaked it again on Wednesday or Thursday and had to ice it.
All told yesterday, aside from being slow to start working after we’d been sitting for a while, it wasn’t too bad, It’s probably a sign that I should increase my walking distance and start stretching a bit more to continue rebuilding strength in both knees.
One of my friends described being at a Mall as something approximating Hell in his estimation. After seeing Duck-lipped women, men with painted fingernails wearing too short, “skinny jeans” as fashion statements, and too many languages to count he might have a point.
I’m reminded that I’ve been fairly isolated, preferring to stick close to home. Some would say it’s a holdover from the COVID lockdowns, in truth, it started prior to COVID. I’d been living in San Diego and in close contact due to apartment dwelling, and I’d become super tired of people in general.
The point is, that because I’ve not been around a lot of folks I’m even more uncomfortable in crowds these days. Not that I’m a germaphobe but I’m mindful that my immune system hasn’t needed to be as active in recent years as it had in the past. Without being exposed to the filth of humanity daily, your immune system starts eating Bon Bons and doing its nails.
So I might end up with some stupid late winter cold, but being out in the world with my friends was totally worth it.
The next time we get together perhaps it should be here. We could cook out on the grill, listen to music, and laugh watching the sun track across the mountains, while listening to the sound of light breezes in the trees. Bonus, the dog would be happy with new people to annoy!
The dog is currently pissed at me. He was alone two consecutive nights and missed our ball time. Thankfully the temps have been very moderate but both nights the wind picked up before I got home. He hates the wind! So last night he pointed the stinky end at me and slept at the foot of the bed.
I’m going to have to make it up to him.
But that will have to wait until tomorrow.
Today, Sunday, I’m going to lunch with one of Jerry’s friends and then I’m looking forward to resting a bit on Monday.
Then it’s back to sorting and tossing the accumulated crap. I’m still shooting for having the house on the market in spring. If something happens between now and then to change that desire, it will still be okay because I wont’ have a bunch of crap.
I hope everyone is in as good a space as I am. Uh OH, the Dog is looking for me. It’s time for me to get dressed and take him for a walk.