Life is funny…

Just when I’ve decided to un-case my demonic wings and go back to being “that guy” I have a chance encounter, and a weird “Message?”

---

“That Guy” for those who haven’t known me for 30 years, is someone that I spent a great deal of effort putting in the ground in my consciousness. That was the “me” that lived for conflict, revenge, hostility, and chaos. That was the me that loved and got off on political games, and causing discord simply because I could.

The me of today might say stuff, but it’s usually in the context of joking.

The “Me” of years ago wouldn’t joke about it, he’d revel in it and feed the fires until someone quit or got fired and enjoy watching the fallout. About the time things settled down again, I’d start all over. Not for any reason other than it amused me, and so many people were so dumb that they didn’t realize they were being played.

It took a lot of effort and time to break myself of that habit. On balance, that effort was rewarded because I no longer had to carry the burden of guilt about the misery I’d had a hand in creating. I also slept better at night and came to like myself a lot more.

It is with a lot of conflicting emotions that I even consider letting that genie back out of his bottle. He’s an addiction, power corrupts, and manipulating people into dancing my dance a little, even for the right reasons can easily lead to manipulating people just for the fuck of it.

There’s an insight into why I react sooo very poorly when people try to manipulate me.

Just tell me what you want. I’ll either agree or not, and we’ll move on from there. Don’t try to engage me in your bullshit then try to ease into something that you already know I’m going to be opposed to. Just cut to the chase, make a reasoned case for why you want me to do something and thus opens the negotiation.

---

Anyhow, I’d just come to peace with letting “That Guy” out of his bottle. I was going to go into work and just start fomenting chaos and seeing if I could end a few careers. I’m not deluding myself, I wasn’t considering doing this for any greater good, or altruism.

This was about nothing more or less that revenge, hate, rage and feeling like I’d been betrayed.

If, as part of the collateral damage, some good came of the destruction, then so be it. Call me Shiva and make me a god.

So I’m sitting in a bar. I’d decided to have a whiskey before getting on the long drive back down to San Diego. The place wasn’t very busy, so I asked the bartender if he liked what he did.

He said, “Yes. This is the greatest job in the world.”

I thought to myself, “Interesting, what’s his angle? No Job is that good.”

He went on, “I used to be in the mortgage banking business. I made a shit ton of money but never had the time to enjoy it. I don’t make that kind of money here, but I make more than you’d think and I leave this place and go on with my life. I don’t think about work when I’m not at work.

I thought about it a minute and concluded that I’m looking for something like that.

The bartender went to go help a new arrival.

He came back and said you know we’re hiring. He said, “I can teach anyone to be a bartender, I can’t teach someone to have a personality. “

I chatted with the patron next to me for a minute.

The Bartender came back asking if he could close my tab out. He was going off shift. I said, “Sure and and asked for an application.”

Can’t hurt to ask…

I decided to wait for a couple weeks before letting “That Guy” out of the bottle. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something, maybe I’m not as at peace with going back to who I was as I think I am. 

Either way, it’s another choice.