It’s official my BMW brothers…

We are no longer the most aggressive assholes on the road.

We’ve long been maligned for driving fast and aggressively. Those days are over my friends.

The new titleholders are Tesla drivers.

IMG 1009I apologize for the poor photo quality, I was trying to catch a shot of this particular asshole as he ran away, like a little pussy!

His license plate is CAPMGMT he’s an older white guy and this little financial  parasite almost got an asswhuppin.

Getting on the freeway in rush hour traffic. I’ve just picked up my car from the dealership. The entrance ramp has one of those “2 car per light” stop ‘em ups.

I’m car 1, he’s car 2. the light turns green and I open it up to get up to speed, My left  proximity alert flashes. This little prick has changed into the partial left lane that is narrowing to 1 lane… MY LANE and is passing me on the shoulder.

I flip him off, then he darts in front of me and does a brake check. Little fucker! I stop, but my car is not happy about dropping from 60 to ZERO in 1 second. 

Perhaps it’s that I’m seriously stressed. Perhaps It’s that I’m tired as fuck. Perhaps I’m just sick and fucking tired of the shitty San Diego drivers. But now we’re stopped. I dump the seatbelt, flip on the hazards, take off my glasses and I’m stepping out of the car on the thankfully empty entrance ramp in basically one move.

I’m gonna have me some Ass!

Pussyboy sees my door open and guns it. He’s driving one of those pig nosed Teslas (not even the expensive one) they’re wicked fast off the line, I’ll give ‘em that.

I get back in the car shut the door buckle up and gun it. 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th  flash by and I’m on the freeway, I’m not endangering anyone, pussyboy is weaving all over the place I’m continuing in a lane, making reasoned maneuvers and signaling to change lanes. I’m closing on him and he hits a clear space just as I do. He’s accelerating away like a scared rabbit. 

Damn! That Tesla is impressive.

I’ve got a 350 mile range even at these speeds. I’m wondering if his rate of energy burn is messing with his driving range. I’m still in “Comfort” mode on the car… Fuck it! Lets play! I press the “Sport” selector and it’s like afterburners kick in. I’m closing rapidly on this little piece of filth.

He sees me coming and accelerates, I’m seriously considering just pacing his sorry ass, forcing him to deplete his charge. Run him to ground and then ahem… “help” him.

We top excessive speed and are heading to ludicrous speed, (Thank you Mel Brooks!) then he backs off. There’s traffic congestion ahead and he’s telegraphing his uncertainty about which lane to choose.

He can’t decide where to go. (So much for decisive Capital Management.) His Tesla is bouncing off the lane markers as his indecision slows him down. I’m even with him, I can see he’s freaking out. I just smile in as evil a way as I know how.

I mouth, “You’re MINE!”

He’s looking at me and I see fear. Ahhhhh Balm to my tortured soul.

He sees me raise the phone to take his picture, suddenly he skitters off the right and makes for the exit to another freeway. 

For a second, I think about following him just to work his nerves some more. 

Nah… 

Black Sapphire MetallicI take my foot off the gas, nice predictable deceleration begins I switch back to “Comfort” mode and my 440 glides to ambient traffic speeds.

His little pig nosed Tesla is definitely faster. But I’ve got better tactics, a hell of a fuel reserve, and bigger balls!

So BMW brothers, we’re not the top agro assholes on the road anymore. But don’t fear, we’ve still got tricks up our sleeves from years of avoiding the morons out to take a piece of us.

I’ll be happy to get out of this shit hole. To do that required that I come home tonight and book a truck to move my shit.

For tonight though, our honor has been defended.

Drive safe.

Sometimes trying to help is more dangerous than leaving well enough alone…

MaxresdefaultDriving to work this morning there’s this car on the freeway driving with only their parking lights on.

Ok yeah, it’s dangerous but I’m sure that the person driving had no idea. Their instrument cluster was probably lit and they were driving a new car. I’m sure they were still getting used to the car.

Hell I’ve done the same thing in my car after it’s been serviced. The dealership always turns the automatic headlights off while they have my car. It’s the first thing I check when I pick it up after they’re done.

Anyhoo, so I’m cruising at 80 and I see the dark car coming up in the lane to my left behind him, there’s another car flashing his lights.

The flashing light car was very insistent about trying to tell the dark car that their lights were off.

They were on the dark car’s bumper, then the dark car is passed me immediately changing lanes in front of me. The flashing guy sits right next to me adjusting their speed to continue flashing their high beams at the dark car.

The dark car accelerates obviously trying to get away from flashing guy. Flashing guy stays right on the dark guys bumper. Dark guy slows down. I have to brake. The two of them continue this dance at 75 to 80 miles an hour for the next 4 miles.

Eventually I decide that this is all too dangerous at 4:45 in the morning and accelerate past them both, continuing to open distance between them and me.

They continue their dance in my rearview mirror for the next 5 miles.

And it’s getting more and more dangerous. The Dark car obviously doesn’t have a clue but they’re equally obviously getting erratic in their driving and just trying to get away. They blow blow by me at 90 on a curving freeway transition. Flashing guy is just not giving up.

They round the bend and I see the reflected red light of taillights on the concrete barrier. I’m not far enough along in the curve to actually see them.I take my foot off the gas and coast as I round the curve. Yep! there’s smoke and that distinct smell that tires make when someone has slammed on the brakes.

No accident, but it’s pretty obvious what happened. They rounded the bend and saw a line of 18 wheelers transitioning from the other freeway and both had to brake hard. Neither of them learned anything because they’re both racing along in the fast lane continuing their dance.

I make the transition to the other freeway and continue on.

I couldn’t help but think again, that San Diego has some of the shittiest drivers in California.

These are people who will play pace car and actively prevent other people including emergency vehicles from passing. These are people who commonly blow through stop lights and stop signs. These are people who will sail out into traffic from parking lots and never even make an attempt to stop at the parking lot exit. These are people who will pull into a parking lot with a string of traffic behind them then stop trying to decide if they should go right or left, leaving that string of traffic blocking an intersection until they figure out what they’re doing.

5It’s like driving in Eastern Kentucky in the 1970s when people didn’t have to worry about getting hit, because there were so few people in the area. In San Diego it’s that times a thousand, except that there are a million cars on the road at any time and the odds of getting hit or hitting someone a pretty much 100%.

I thank my drivers ed teacher from a Kentucky High School every day for teaching us the value of defensive driving.

I respect that the one driver was trying to tell the other that their lights weren’t on, but give them -1000 points for not realizing that they weren’t going to get their message across and not having enough sense to break off and go on about their business.

Sadly, that seems to be the way of things these days. Folks just won’t leave shit alone, and instead of focusing on the bigger issues they want to focus on the little details.

In the overall picture of the freeway, there are streetlights that make it very easy to see the road. In the rain or fog, those same streetlights are actually a problem because they decrease visibility. But even without headlights, the car running dark wasn’t a particular danger. I could see the car and even what color it was. Yeah it wasn’t as obvious as it would have been if it was properly lit up but it wasn’t a particular hazard.

The real danger was “Mr Flashy” because he or she was escalating a minor danger into a major one.

At some point you need to know when to give it up.

If you were really concerned about safety, you could call it in to 911. Tell them a gray Lexus sedan was running on the 56 freeway heading west transitioning to the 5 south with no lights on and wasn’t always using their turn indicators.

CHP would have sent an available unit and I guarantee the Lexus would have stopped when the Red & Blue lights pulled up behind them.  Or not… and then there would have been another problem.

I guess it just brought home to me, it’s way better and safer to attend to my own shit. I’ve got enough to deal with, without looking for more.

Boy! I love warranties

Driving to work at 4am.

I accelerate to pass yet another San Diego asshat driver. Really? The freeway is wide open and you’re playing pacecar, racing me?

Dumbass left in the dust… 

I’m slowing down back to my normal cruising speed. Cruise control takes over and I settle in for the 25 minute ride. Then there’s a little yellow light on the control console. Humm, That looks like a little motor. 

HAL 9000

I ask the computer what’s wrong?

“All systems check OK”

“Are you on acid?”

“All systems check OK”

The computer is giving me two different readings. “Well that’s annoying,” I think to myself.

I also think this is reminiscent of the exchange between David Bowman and HAL in 2001 a Space Odyssey. 

I vaguely remember this symbol being printed on the gas door. Something to do with emissions control. I keep driving but am paying more attention to the control console and the engine status. 

It’s Labor Day, so I know there’s no point trying to get the car to a repair facility. I’ll “baby it” until I get to work, then check the gas cap.

I get to work, & park. I check the gas cap, then screw it back down until it locks.

Heading home after work, the little annoying light is still on.

Okaaay. Something is not right.  I get home and decide that after work tomorrow, I’m going to have to drop the car off at a local dealer to be checked out.

I drop the car off the next afternoon.

The local dealership is nice, efficient and I hope good. I have trust issues with mechanics and dealerships.

The dealership puts me in a fully loaded X3. Nice, if a bit large.

The service guy tells me my car should be ready to go the next day. 

Overheated Car

Late in the afternoon, I get a call from the dealership, it’s a thermostat.

How is that NOT a big enough issue for the computer to scream about?

Oh well, obviously the thermostat broke in the open position. I’m glad I didn’t just write it off as a gas cap and drive to Riverside in the heat.

Not a pretty image!

Anyhow, it’s a free repair. The dealership is going to be free under warranty. 

All in all, aside from the inconvenience of having to take the car to a dealership. It’s a good outcome.

I’ll have my lady back and then figure out what to do with the rest of my “weekend”.