Tag: Male

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Rites of passage

This one has been banging around in the draft folder for a while. Figured I’d publish it. Feel free to add comments. I’ll move the good ones into the body of the post. This list is not complete. I’ve been adding to it when I think about it.

These are things that we experience but often forget to share. As men, we should share this stuff, if only anonymously. The younger men ought to know what to expect. And hopefully we’ll get a laugh out of their horrified looks. Hey it’s what we do to each other!

In my life, the rites of passage I’ve experienced or witnessed have been, in no particular order;

Camping out by myself. Wow, look at those stars, My camp site is cool but I should have done X, Y, & Z differently. I’ll do those things differently next time.

Penthouse, Hustler and Chic, Magazines, So that’s what THEY have down there! And apparently MY junk recognized it… Even if I didn’t.

Firing you first gun.

Hitting your target with a bow.

Killing and eating your first meal.

1st wet dream, Oh my god!!! I wet the bed… no wait… what the hell is this??? I’ll ignore it maybe it will go away and not happen again.

Taking a brutal kick to the groin, there’s nothing like it. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

The First Climax… AKA “Jacking off”,  Oh wow, rubbing that feels REALLY good! Oh nooo something is wrong! I hurt myself… I’m never doing that again… well maybe just this time, and 10 minutes later and 10 minutes after that. Then finding out other boys also found this neat thing their body would do. Then enjoying our smugness while we could exclude the boys who knew nothing of what we were talking about.

A couple of fights, Yeah, I’ve been punched in the face, bloodied up pretty good. I’ve been on the loosing and winning side of a fight. You learn a lot from both experiences. When you have your ass kicked, you decide that you want to know how to not let that happen again. You also learn to be a somewhat gracious winner. At least in school, in my case being decent about having won the fight and helping my defeated opponent to his feet is all that prevented us from being suspended. We got off with a stern talking to.

Finally understanding mercy and why it’s important in this world.

Being part of the winning team, and the pizza party afterwards

Being part of the losing team, and the pizza afterwards.

Your first body hair, Whats that? OUCH! it’s attached. Oh… cool!

Your First Shave, topped by your Dad giving you your first non-disposable razor.

Seeing a hardcore adult toy catalog, Oh so that’s what it looks like when people screw. Damn! that guys dick is huge. Why does she look like it hurts? Does it hurt to have sex? If it does why do people do it?

Learning to be judgmental 

That feeling of RAGE when you realize someone stole your shit!

Your First serious Girlfriend, She’s holding my hand! She’s letting me kiss her, she’s kissing me back uhhh oh I hope she doesn’t notice the tent in my pants. Shit! she noticed, hey shes smiling at it… She touched me through my jeans…. Wow! she’s putting my hand between her legs! I’m liking the way she’s moaning when I touch her… I’m liking even more how shes rubbing my dick… I just shot my juice with a girl!

Figuring out how to get condoms

First broken bone This is real bitch! why can’t I just walk like a normal person? Yeah, give me the walking cast, there was a question about needing this?

Understanding betrayal firsthand

The first broken nose Do you fix it yourself or run to the doctor? Fix it yourself of course!

Losing my virginity to a lovely lady in a seriously clumsy sexual escapade (I still grin about that one)

The first BJ, Oh YEAH, HELL YEAH!

A Driver’s license I’m never going to be home after today! Wait… I have to pay for gas AND insurance?

The frustration of being mobile, having condoms, and the house to yourself, and yet being unable to score.

Watching a porn movie in a theater...

Watching porn at home

Learning how to forgive

Knowing when to leave a party. Finding out later that you left just moments before the cops busted the place.

That first paycheck Wait! what the hell is FICA? Who is SSI? Why did they get my money before I did?

My First Apartment  The first night sleeping on the floor (I had no furniture) But it was MY PLACE all mine. The next day… I bug bombed the hell out of the place. While the bug bombs were driving the nasties into everyone elses places, I was out buying dishes, silverware, a frypan, a couple of pots, a Mr. Coffee,  and a cheap microwave. My waterbed was filled by nightfall and I slept like a baby that second night.

Purchasing my first Brand New Car  The little head was doing all the talking that night… I CHARGED the down payment yep… on my Mastercard… But I drove the hell out of that car and enjoyed every minute of it.

Losing family to death and having to be strong for the rest of the family

Taking a date to a nice restaurant, only to realize too late that she was ‘Eliza’ from My Fair Lady and I could have had more fun with another young lady, or that I could have gotten what I wanted by taking her to a Mc Donalds.

Being laid off from your job the first time.

My first hangover

Learning to take time in the sack and how to have a lazy, unhurried, guiltless, sexy screw on an beautiful Sunday morning.

My first auto accident. OH DAMN! that’s going to be expensive to fix!

Learning you’re good in a crisis, and learning that it’s OK to freak out a bit and have the shakes after the crisis is over.

The walk of shame the morning after a night of debauchery (That one still gets a grin too)

Learning to control your own fear, and learning that by your controlling your fear others around you are also less afraid.

Understanding you can change if you want to

Calling the Dr and having to answer the question… “What’s the reason you’re making this appointment?”, My answer was “I’m very irritated Down there!” Which is when I found out my dick doesn’t like Nonoxynol 9, but at the time I was just sure I had VD.

Turning down sex for the first time… What the hell just happened? I never turn down getting laid

The first prostate exam, DOC, you are going to do WHAT???

How to lose it all and survive, It’s all just stuff… Stuff does not make me who I am.

Learning how NOT to be judgmental 

Losing friends to death and learning how to grieve.

First Gray hairs… on my balls! Oh Hell no, that just ain’t right!

Learning that happiness or sadness isn’t about what’s outside, it’s about what’s in you.

 

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The past couple of nights have been “Interesting”…

…The Insomniac theater of the absurd.

I wrote a blog sitting naked at my desk. It was long rambling, random, and well… Nuts!

I started taking an antibiotic that cautions it may cause dizziness. They should also caution about insomnia and insanity.

Probably not a good sales pitch though. “This antibiotic is effective against sinusitis and may also cause extended episodes of intense crazy. Use with caution when operating heavy equipment.“

I’d take an erection lasting four hours, but that’s not what this antibiotic promises or what it’s delivering…

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I chose not to publish the “crazy blog”… Probably for the best.

Last night I dreamt I was with Arlene in a psychotic TrueBlood nightmare.

I was offering her soothing words about her husband Terry having been ripped apart by a flatulent vampire. Arlene said, “I can deal with Terry being ripped apart… but what is that horrific stink?“

Just then Terry pulled himself back together and became a flatulent vampire who kept chasing us round and round Merlotte’s but was easy to avoid because we smelled him coming.

Lafayette put an end to Vampire Terry with a pot of chili and a can of lysol. “Bitch! I jus done cleaned this kitchen and you come up in here smelling like dat? Awww HELL NO!” 

I ask you… is this the kind of behavior you want from your antibiotic? I didn’t think so.

Then this morning, I was outside doing poo patrol in the back yard.

OK did someone put extra stinkiness in the poo, or have my sinuses started to clear?

Then it hit me one of the dogs must have been particularly gaseous last night which got incorporated into the TrueBlood dream / nightmare.

I guess you could say the past night or two has been shitty or at least gassy.

I do hope only the mind altering drugs you expect to cause delusions are deluding you, and that your antibiotics are just killing infections.

Have a good one

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Oh for Pete’s sake! I’m so over these Silly Assed Boycotts!

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I was scanning twitter this morning and ran across this;

@jeromeehudson So, you’re at Chick-fil-a (AGAIN), eh @BruceCarrollSC?? You’re a self-loathing piece of work

I thought “Oh God!” aren’t we past these things yet?

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Mr. Hudson is going on about the Chic-fil-a ruckus, that started when some executive from Chic-Fil-A said he didn’t agree with gay marriage or didn’t like gay people or some such.

As you can tell I was offended so much by the comments of the Chic-fil-a person I totally remember exactly what it was all about. Yeah right! I so didn’t give a shit

Mainly because I don’t care what one person says or that (he or she) is an executive of a company or that they’re making 1000 times more money than me.

This is one of the things that I find so damn offensive about the mainstream GLBT community. My sexuality has never defined my politics, why does the GLBT community allow it to define theirs?

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The GLBT community and others, tend to boycott at the drop of a hat over no damn good reason. In some boycotts the GLBT folks will even devour their own. Such as the gay bar owner who was… Horror of horrors Republican!.

Now we’ve got the Barilla boycott. Really? Lets see a name like Guido Barilla, anybody care to guess what his religion probably is? Can you say most likely traditionally Catholic? Are you really surprised that he’d be opposed to showing gay families? More-over, why isn’t he allowed to speak his mind without haveing to live in fear that some half baked group will get their panties in a twist.

Aren’t there far more important things to worry about?

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Anybody remember the Coors boycott of the ’80s? It was in all the papers, well at least the gay papers. Coors was being mean and oppressive I vaguely recall it was something to do with firing gay workers or some such. So the gay community made the grandiose gesture of not buying Coors beer or serving it in gay bars.

This went on for years… As did Coors Brewing. I doubt seriously that Coors noticed much of a dip in their bottom line.

I honestly don’t know if you can get a Coors beer in a gay bar now. I’m afraid to ask for fear that the patrons of the bar would go feral, turn on me and rip my carcass to bloody shreds.

Just for asking the question…

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Oh hey, look at that. Coors is marketing specifically to gay people. Well it only took 25 years for the gay community to forget about the boycott.

How about the Great Hotel boycott of the early 2000s in San Diego? OMG someone at the hotel said some bad things about the GLBT community. They must be boycotted forever to make them understand that we are important and powerful and …

OUR OPINION MATTERS MORE THAN THEIRS DOES!

In short, Convert or die!

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Not a particularly healthy attitude and I’m apparently not alone in beginning to feel that the GLBT community is being perceived as Nazi-esq.

I stumbled across this little jewel of a graphic to the right, on the internet. It came up within the first page of images. 

All I can say is DAMN! I’ll bet the Stonewall democrats and Log Cabin Republicans never saw this coming.

Then the executive at Chic-Fil-A said he didn’t agree with gay marriage AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHH! The GLBT community whips itself into a froth AGAIN. With boycotts and protests and all manner of idiocy.

The Chic-Fil-A executive expressed HIS opinion! He’s entitled to speak his mind.

That folks is a right protected by the first amendment of the constitution.

You know the same right that allows the GLBT community to express their opinion with protests, signs, and boycotts?

Why the hell is it wrong for a single person to say what he thinks, and yet OK for the GLBT community to disrupt (or attempt to disrupt) his business?

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More recently there was the great Vodka pouring in LA and New York because of the Russian governments oppression of gay people.

As the Russians were probably saying “Big Deal, So What?”

Much of the Vodka you morons were pouring out isn’t even made in Russia. So if you really want to make an impact don’t go to the Olympics in Russia. Don’t watch it on television but that’s about all you can do. The GLBT community is largely impotent in the affairs of the Russian government.

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Why isn’t the GLBT community boycotting OIL, after all Iran and Iraq have some of the most hideous laws against GLBT people. Oh right, our cars… well we need them don’t we?

The single most offensive hypocrisy I have every heard of is this;

Apparently a Gay bar in San Diego was the object of an intended Boycott by GAY people because the Owner of the bar happened to be Republican and expressed his dismay at President Obama’s re-election. I’m putting this perhaps more delicately than reality. The Bar Owner was flat out pissed off about it, and said so in public in the bar.

That probably wasn’t the wisest move but HE OWNS the place and therefore should be able to express himself even in a fit of anger.

What followed was insanity.

This bar owner is known for his generosity and contributions to the community. But because he’s a Republican, and not in lockstep with the predominately Democratic members of the GLBT community he was suddenly targeted for destruction.

After all if you don’t believe every word that falls from the lips of the approved GLBT roster of celebrities and politicians is pure gold you must be defective. Even if you’re asking legitimate questions for legitimate reasons.

I’ve always pictured the end of “Invasion of the body snatchers” when I think about this subject.

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It’s time for the GLBT community to grow the hell up, & start acting their age.

We’re not going to be liked by everyone, any more than black or hispanic people are. Get over it!

We can’t force people to like us with litigation (See Affirmative Action) or protests (See A Day without Mexicans) or sweet words (See President Obama).

There will always be a percentage of the population that doesn’t like either a particular minority group or several. SO WHAT? SHIT HAPPENS!

Move on with your life like an adult.

I’m an American. I’ll eat what I damn well please, drink what I damn well please, and no-one is going to stop me. I’ll smoke if I want to, I’ll fuck who I want, when I want to, and whatever gender I choose.

No, I don’t suffer from self loathing. I suffer from pride in myself and my ability to make up my OWN mind. I reject group think. I participate in those things that I’ve decided are worth my time. Silly assed boycotts simply don’t make the cut. Hearing about silly assed boycotts just pisses me off.

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If you don’t like it… shut the hell up.

Go engage in that ancient & time honored tradition the world over…

Gossip about it behind my back!

But don’t you DARE tell me to boycott someone or infringe on THEIR right to have their beliefs, opinions, or freedom of speech. 

I realize I’m asking for a lot. After all you’d have to actually read several news papers then compare and contrast the various arguments pro and con about a particular subject.

Who has time? After all you’ve got to get your hair cut, text all your friends, and be at the next party, with a whole new wardrobe.

It’s easier to be told what to think by a 30 second news report that will define how you vote, which maybe you’ll do… If there’s time on the way to the party.

Equality doesn’t mean domination. It means we live peacefully, as neighbors and don’t bother each other with our stereos.