Tag: Male

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Paintbrushes

I didn’t write this with the intention of sharing it. It’s a page from my journal.

But then I thought, maybe someone would read it and it would help them through something similar. Maybe connect them to their feelings in a way that allowed them to see what they’re going through or perhaps someone they know is going through happens to all of us.

I’ve been procrastinating. I know it.

This sounds so stupid, but painting the stairs hurts.

The last time I did this exercise, Jerry was alive. He watched over me to make sure I didn’t fall, or get dehydrated. 

He encouraged me, and made me feel good about it. He appreciated my efforts and the work I put in. He was my cheerleader, and looking back now, he was the reason I got out there even though my knees were killing me, and did the work.

I wanted the place to look nice when he came home, I wanted our home to be nice, neat, & safe. I wanted him to smile when he got home.

Now that he’s gone, it’s hard for me to stay motivated. I have a hard time putting in the work for me alone. For so long it was about him, and I’ve only recently realized how much was about him.

I think of myself as a selfish person, it’s jarring to admit that selfish as I might have thought myself to be, for him… I’d go to any lengths.

I guess that’s how it is for all men, gay or straight, who love their partners, wives, and children. They claim it’s the old cliche “Happy Wife, Happy Life” but it’s more than that.

Having someone you love and being a man that can’t say the words very easily, means you express yourself in other ways.

Expressions of love are; making the yard pretty, tending to the gutters so the lights of your life don’t get wet, taking all the rocks out of the yard so the kids can play safely, making sure there’s no place snakes or other animals can hide, so nobody gets bitten, scared or hurt.

But for me there’s another pain in doing this.

When the coroner took Jerry out of the house that last time. Their gurney took chunks out of the stairs and paint.

Sanding, filling, and painting over that damage feels like I’m erasing Jerry. I’ve been feeling like that as I’ve gotten rid of his stuff. Which is one of the reasons I’ve been so slow about doing it. 

My heart is still broken, and doing this work that I must do, hurts.

I know I’m not erasing Jerry. But sometimes it feels like it. I try so hard not to let it bother me, to remember that he’s in my heart. But seeing his stuff in the trash feels like somehow I, and the world is diminishing his value.

Damnit! He was valuable, he mattered!

If only to me… Maybe that’s enough.

I know that I shouldn’t live in a museum of our lives, or even of only Jerry. It’s not healthy to be lost in what was, when there’s so much that might yet be.

I managed to paint one rail before I was overwhelmed with… not grief but sadness. It’s probably just as well. The paint is old, painting only one rail allows me to see if I need to replace it. I’ll check the color match tomorrow after it’s cured. 

I kept expecting him to come out asking how it was going or telling me it was time to come in for a glass of water. 

Through the years, I’d be working on some project and sometimes, he’d hand me a beer and inspect whatever I’d been doing. Being encouraging or making helpful suggestions.

When I gathered the painting supplies today, I found a bag of various paintbrushes he’d simply bought and set next to the paints. I didn’t know they were there. Inside that bag were exactly the brushes I needed today.

He’s still taking care of me. That makes me happy, and so sad. 

I miss him beyond my ability to say.

There are times when I think I’m getting better and honestly I am. Then there’s a bag of paintbrushes and tears are flowing down my cheeks.

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Ahhh what they can’t have, they destroy.

The Transgenders are at it again. Well, they’re attempting to destroy gay male (real male) spaces again. Whether they’ll succeed is another question.

Grizzly Pines gay campground USA 1536x864.There’s a gay male clothing optional campground in Texas. (Who knew?). The place is called “Grizzly Pines” it’s a bit northwest of Houston.

On the website the campsite says very clearly this is a place that caters to Males. You’d think that would be enough, BUUUUUTTTT… It’s not. 

Why isn’t their description enough? Because the definition of Male and Female has been so muddied by Trans Activists. 

Now days a woman can wake up and think she’s a man, (She isn’t). Then she can decide to invade places that are by definition male spaces. Some establishments allow this sort of thing, (They’re wrong).

Even if a woman has undergone all the gender modification surgery and can pass. There’s one thing that will not change, her psyche.

Campit gay camping.It doesn’t matter what she thinks, if she was raised as a female, she still thinks like a female. Most women in a male only, and specifically, a gay male only situation just don’t get it.

Because they don’t get it, they immediately try to change the situation to suit their comfort level.

Men are by nature predatory. I’ve been in clothing optional situations where it was perfectly acceptable to simply engage in sex without a lot of preamble or discussion. 

Honestly, it’s freeing. It’s comfortable to revert to our male “caveman” nature. For a man to be able to shed the veneer of politeness, artificial civility, and 21st century “acceptable behavior” is one of the most relaxing things a man can experience.

Men are very different creatures when they don’t have to engage in bullshit. Men inherently know what we’re there for. I myself have walked up to another man who was a complete stranger and had my way with him. 

I saw someone that was attractive to me, I went for it and a good time was had by all. Likewise, I’ve been the object of desire for another man. No BS! Hell we didn’t even exchange names.

No dinner, drinks, or small talk. Just feeding our physical needs and then moving on. I’ve seen women freak out about it. They were lesbians who retreated to their rooms then complained to the hotel management.

In that instance, they were told simply, “You were warned that this weekend we hosted a group of men that were going to be engaging in an event when you booked. The responsibility for you being offended lies with you.“

The Lesbians checked out the next morning. To their credit they didn’t make a big scene about it, and because they didn’t make a big scene, the hotel charged them a discounted night’s stay and helped them find a more appropriate hotel a block away.

Trans activists don’t take it as well. In fact lately they seem to demand that men who are only into other men, have sex with them. Then when the men are predatory they complain about that too.

Get a group of men together in a situation as I’ve described, and I can tell you something changes. It may be the sounds, the smell of sweat, the pheromones wafting in the air, or whatever, but every man in the group responds to the situation emotionally and physically. 

We all get our freak on and there’s not a lot of talking. Picture it like men eating at Thanksgiving. When the food is on the table, we’re not chitchatting about the table decorations. We’re interested in eating.

In a sexual, clothing optional, orgy situation, our brains turn off and other parts are in control. There’s nothing quite like waking up to the sunrise tangled in a bit of a dog pile on the lawn or pool area after a night of revelry.

There’s no guilt, shame, or discussion. Maybe someone will ask if there’s coffee, or suggest sharing breakfast together after a quick shower.

So it’s with these experiences in mind that I find the whole idea of a Transgender “whatever” trying to interact in these male spaces laughable. I suspect it would go one of a few ways. 

1) The Trans would be completely intimidated, if not terrified.

2) The Trans would attempt to out male the actual males in the crowd. The men would react to that falsehood as men normally react. They’d isolate or shun the liar.

3) The female brain would kick in and the Trans would start telling all the men in the space how they should behave. 

No matter how it worked out, the Trans would be a discordant note in the gestalt of the group. Meaning, no-one would have a good time. Oh, and observing someone’s overly complex pronoun requirement is probably not on the table.

For goodness sake, the Trans folks can’t handle normal males trash talking each other. Where they’ve invaded mens locker rooms they demand men wear towels in the sauna. (I can go either way on that one, but prefer to be comfortable and be able to “Manspread” as the heat loosens my naughty bits.)

Oh and by the way. Men who think they’re women and haven’t had surgeries have no business in Women’s spaces either!

They’re still men. Their brains were wired by the way they were raised and there’s no doubt in my mind that the hormones males and females produce have something to do with the way our brains are wired right from the womb.

I applaud Grizzly Pines for taking a stand and preserving male only spaces. I’m concerned that they’ll lose when the activists take it to court, and we all know they will.

If that happens, the activists will have destroyed yet another business, and they’ll have dictated what someone may or may not do on their own property,  which is fundamentally wrong.

Originally I wasn’t going to write a piece on this. But I’ve seen several articles about it over the past few weeks and it looks like the fight is growing instead of dying down.

The latest article is here

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The LGB community (what’s left of it), must separate itself from the trans community.

Female and Male only spaces deserve to be preserved. In that, the LGB folks have natural allies in the straight community and perhaps therein is the key to all of us being able to enjoy freedom from increasing Transgender tyranny.

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Now for something different.

I’ve been looking at wallets.

The one I have been using for 10 – 12 years is still more or less in good shape.

It’s a bit of a traditional wallet style that I’ve been finding more uncomfortable to sit on.

I started looking at a variety of wallets, some traditional, and some of the new non-traditional versions. 

My previous leather wallet was made by BelRoy and it’s a great wallet.

Unfortunately, they’re not making that version anymore, or anything like it.

After searching and mulling it over for months, I noticed I kept coming back to the Ridge wallets. 

www.ridge.com

For the record, I’ve not been paid, or compensated in any way by them.

I ordered one of their RFID blocking wallets in “Burnt Damascus”.

They upsold me with a Valentines day special, to their “daily driver kit”, which includes their key case.

I thought okay, why the heck not? I’m worth it. At check out they made me a great deal on a pen.

Awww, why the hell not? This is my Valentines present to myself.

To this order I added their AirTag Holders for both the wallet and the key case.

I’m not going to go through all the florid unpacking details.

The packaging is nice, direct, and sturdy.

In the wallet box are spare screws, a fairly decent Torx T-5 screwdriver and two replacement elastic straps.

One strap is used to keep tension on the plates that hold credit cards. The other strap is to act as a money strap, holding a small selection of bills.

In the wallet AirTag holder box, in addition to the AirTag holder, is a screwdriver, a couple of extra screws and two more replacement elastic straps.

In the Pen box, is just the pen.

In the key case box there is the key case, a flat bladed tool to open the case, two metal rings, (typical spiral loops) one large, one small. 

The AirTag holder for the key case is just flexible plastic, requiring no tools but also comes with the two metal rings.

From a presentation standpoint the packaging is really nice. It appeals to my sense of aesthetics.

So, here’s where we are, 3 days after getting the package. 

First, I like the wallet. It’s solid. The Damascus is a simulation of Damascus steel and it’s got texture. I like that because since my wallet lives in my front pocket now, it’s nice to have something to grip.

I wasn’t sure I would like the wallet. It’s a very radical departure from what I’ve carried all my life. I thought I’d be testing out their return policy. Oh, about their return policy, it’s very generous and impacted my purchasing decision.

I did not however, like the AirTag attached to the wallet.

This is not a problem with Ridge, the build quality of the wallet and the AirTag holder is good. They both have heft and the metals are solid.

The problem was that I wanted a thinner wallet and the AirTag adds thickness that defeated my goal in getting a new wallet..

I went back to the original wallet design. I’m planning to purchase a different device that is shaped like a credit card and supports Apple’s FindMy functionality. Due to the shape it will not significantly increase the thickness of the wallet. 

The thing I really like is that the wallet is clean, simple, and fits easily in my front pocket.

The key case is also nicely built, but a touch awkward with my front door key. The awkwardness is that the key is not round, or hexagonal in shape. The door key is this weird trapezoid shape.

That being said, it’s nice to have the keys all contained and silent. The containment is accomplished with a simple compression plate made of spring steel. 

The key case is not suitable for keys like the larger car key fobs common with BMW, Lexus, Jaguar, Mercedes, and others.

It’s only going to hold onto the traditional flat keys like house keys. The picture shows the scale of my car key with the key case. 

There is a pocket clip on the back of the key case. I found that I don’t like it. The bent end is somewhat sharp, and getting in & out of the car that clip catches on the seat.

It could scratch leather or possibly tear your seat getting in or out of the vehicle. Since I had the handy T-5 I removed the clip. In doing so I discovered that the clip was secured in place by the spring clip that holds the keys in place. It only took a moment to fix.

I added the carabiner to tie everything together for the moment, I’m probably going to be revisiting the arrangement several times over the next few weeks.

Thus far I’m pleased. This has forced me to carry only what I need, and I expect that as time goes on, I’ll be thinning it out even more.

Why the change?

Part of this came about after using Apple’s MagSafe wallet.

I found that I didn’t need to always carry a big lump in my back pocket.

The problem with the MagSafe wallet was its 3 card limit. I also didn’t like having to remove it from the phone to access the cards. They say 3 credit cards. That’s BS it’s 2 cards because one slot is taken by your ID.

So my combo when using the Apple MagSafe wallet was ID, Debit Card, & Credit Card. Then I was off to have drinks with friends.

Since most credit card purchases can be accomplished using tap to pay, from the Apple digital Wallet in my phone or from my watch,  I don’t need to carry a wad of credit or debit cards. The exception seems to be gas pumps. In my area they almost never have the tap to pay system operational.

My proof of insurance cards, also live in the Apple wallet, so I don’t need to carry them either.

I like having cash on me. It doesn’t have to be much, but it’s a little security blanket. In that regard, the Apple MagSafe wallet wasn’t cutting it.

Originally I was looking for a MagSafe compatible wallet from another vendor than Apple. That led me down several unproductive rabbit holes. Ridge makes a few MagSafe compatible wallets but none of the available colors struck my fancy.

Eventually, I thought maybe MagSafe wasn’t that big an issue. I use wireless charging so I’d have to take the wallet off to use wireless charging or MagSafe mounting. 

The more I thought about it, the more I concluded that a straight up wallet was probably better. I can grab the phone, wallet, and keys, on my way out the door. 

The pen is great. It’s simple, well balanced, a bit thicker than some of my other pens and is comfortable to write with. It uses a standard Parker refill so when I need to replace the cartridge it’s not going to be a hassle. 

Parker cartridges are easy to find in a variety colors, and fine, or medium line thicknesses. 

For comparison, pen is what Ridge calls “Burnt Titanium” it’s more of a matte finish. I was strongly considering the Wallet, and Key Case in this color.

The “Burnt Damascus” is a little more shiny and reflective than I thought it would be. But I like it.

So here’s some closing thoughts.

I feel like Ridge has designed these products to be customized. You can mix & match, add & remove features and attachments easily. 

It’s like they send you the basic model and invite you to make it your own. 

I’m still fiddling but I’m mostly comfortable with what I’ve gotten to now. 

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I made it through another anniversary

Two years ago last night, Jerry died. So did a big piece of my heart. Oh, he was a pain in my ass, I suppose I was a pain in his as well. I guess that’s part of relationships. We loved each other and I miss him.

I was a little emotional through the day. I walked the dog, finished de-christmassing the house, made dinner, poured myself a drink and listened to music. I went to bed about the normal time and slept soundly. I do remember some fragments of dreams but nothing coherent.

I didn’t drink to excess. I woke up more or less in a decent mood. 

I haven’t gotten anything much done today. I played on X too damn much. I’m willing to forgive myself for that.

I need to settle down, and to apply for a bunch of jobs. I doubt that I’ll get much if any response. But I feel like I have to try.

As I said, the Christmas tree and associated decorations are all put away. I was able to dispose of a box through consolidation. Going through the decorations was bittersweet.

I have sweet memories of the Christmases Jerry & I spent together.

Each ornament is special and since many of them were saved from the house fire in 2008 there is a greater significance to each.

The house is clean, (except the office,) the amount of stuff remaining to be tossed feels never-ending but I know I’m making progress.

The living, dining, kitchen, and master bedroom are less cluttered. They could all use more de-cluttering but these areas are lighter and more airy. I like it this way.

There is still much to do, and much to get rid of, but where I’m at and the direction I’m moving feels right and good.

The point is, this year while a bit rocky was better than last year. I’m better now and while I still miss him, it’s not the kind of pain it was. I’m stronger and somewhat optimistic.

Perhaps I’m trending toward happy?

 

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Uhhhgggg. I’ve caught a cold

The day after Christmas I was feeling out of sorts. Thursday night, the wind was howling through the area. It calmed down a bit during the day Friday. With the house shaking Thursday night, I slept only fitfully.

It’s possible that this isn’t a cold and that it’s just sinus irritation. Either way, I’m uncomfortable and run down.

The wind is still blowing this morning but it’s not like it’s been. One or two reports I’ve seen claimed there were 32 -35 MPH gusts.

I’m very tired. There are things that I should do but I suspect they’re going to remain undone. Maybe I’ll just watch a movie or two, after walking the dog. Sure I could just put him in the back yard, but he really looks forward to our walks and honestly so do I.

That’s why there’s the good things tag on this post. Yeah I may be feeling like crap but even feeling like I do, I still enjoy the morning walk.