Tag: Life Changes

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Today is gonna be hard

It’s taken me a while to get the harp consignment lined up. I thought it was never going to come together but now that it’s here, I’m uncertain.

I know that I need to get the harps into the right hands so that they can go to new homes. The harps should be played, loved, used, and bring joy to others.

That being said, they were a big part of his life they were also part of my life to a lesser extent.

The harps defined him. To be without them, feels like letting go of him.

I know this is the right thing to do, but it’s going to be hard.

Wish me luck.

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The Blizzard may finally be over!

IMG 2635Woke up to another foot or two of snow this morning.

Great!

That being said, it looks like the storm fronts are breaking up and we’ve got some sun breaking through the clouds. It’s doubtful that the sun will help much today because the temps will remain in the upper 20s.

Seeing the sun gives one hope that warmer temps are on their way for at least 5 days. Then there’s the possibility of more snow on Sunday and Monday. Fingers crossed it’s just a dusting.

I’ve got some really great neighbors. After clearing the back decks and stairs for Jesse, I went out front and found my neighbors using their snow blowers to help clear a large portion of the driveway. I cleared the front deck and did the detail work that can’t be done with a snow blower.

IMG 2631My driveway is almost wide enough for me to get my car out of the garage. I’ve got to do more shovel work to widen it some more and open the driveway entrance up a bit to allow for more maneuvering to back out, or back into the garage. Right now there’s just not enough width to allow making the turn.

There are a couple of dogs who’ve been roaming around the neighborhood for the past day or two. They look healthy, have collars, but no tags to allow us to contact their owners. They’re friendly but I don’t recognize them as “Locals”. It’s likely that they simply walked over their fence on top of the snow. Jesse is also very close to figuring out that he could get over the fence if he really wanted to.

Thankfully he’s more interested in being with me, than roaming the neighborhood.

These dogs may be wondering where their people are. No-one has been able to get into town for about five days. It’s possible that the the owners of these dogs have been kept off the mountain by the storm. If these boys start looking hungry, I’ll give them some of Jesse’s food reserve so they don’t starve waiting for their “parents” to come home.

IMG 2638The winds are dying down so it’s not quite as nasty to be out and about.

There’s an agreeable symmetry to this storm.

In 1992 the other half and I were planning the move into this house. It was mid March and had been warm and sunny for two weeks. The roads were clear and there was no snow to be seen. The night before the move, it snowed… A LOT! We ended up moving into this place using sleds. The local kids were more than willing to rent us their sleds for 10 bucks and the more entrepreneurial of those kids even provided the horse power to drag the sleds full of our meager household goods across the snow for us. At additional cost, of course!

It was totally worth putting cash in those kids hands.

They’re long gone now, having left to start their own families but their faces lighting up as we handed them $20s for their work was well worth it. Their Fathers and Mothers smiling about the industriousness of their children was worth it too. The neighbors also knew we were stand up folks and welcomed us. We’d fed their children while they worked and made sure they took rest breaks and were safe.

Now that the other half is gone, somehow a snowstorm seems appropriate. This is my last Winter in my little mountain town.

There’s still much to do, and the logistics of moving are daunting. But I’m convinced that leaving is probably the right thing to do. There are too many ghosts and memories here. Most of them happy, some of them sad, but the life I had is over.

It’s time to move on, hopefully a sweet couple who’s just starting out, will buy this place. It’s a good place, in a good town. Maybe whoever buys the place can make make a lifetime of cherished memories here as we did.

IMG 2629I’ll miss this place I’ve called home for 30 some odd years, of that, there’s no doubt. I’m sure I’ll cry the last time I drive away.

I’ll have to make time to appreciate this last spring here at this place, my home. I’ll also have to remember to take in the spectacular sunrises and sunsets.

There’s always been something magical about the light here. I’ll miss that too.

The road ahead beckons.

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Was just thinking, I’m catching up with Hillary Clinton.

Since 1992 I’ve had 3 members of my immediate family die by suicide. In December I lost my Stepmother and her husband to natural causes.

In January I lost my husband of 34 years.

I bring you all up to date because there have been some of his friends who keep telling me they know how I feel.

In short, they don’t!

These folks are trying to be kind and supportive. They wax on and on about how difficult it was for them to lose a sibling or a parent. Then they start telling me how I should live my life now.

My friends, those who really know me, have been very supportive and kind. They’ve taken a step back and responded instantly when I’ve asked for help. They’ve done what I asked, maybe made a suggestion or two to make things go smoother and then butted out.

They’re the ones, who like my brothers are concerned, but respect me enough to let me work through this gut punch in my own way. They’ll text or call just randomly to ask how I’m doing and that tells me I’m in their thoughts. They’ve lost parents and siblings, but they’re not banging on about their trauma. They’re providing a wall of strength, occasional guidance when asked, and staunch solid support.

The only people who know how I feel, are those who’ve lost their spouses. There have been a couple of folks who’ve come to me privately offering support or a shoulder. Some of them, I didn’t even know had lost their spouse. I thought they’d been through the more common event of divorce and were single by choice.

I appreciate their support and kindness. I think that them putting themselves in a position where my spouse’s death could reopen their old wounds takes a lot of courage. Maybe someday I’ll have that same courage, but I don’t see that in my immediate future.

To the people that would tell me, “I know just what you’re feeling…”

I say this.

Until you’ve bagged up shirts, pants, suits, ties, and shoes that you saw your spouse wear often, into garbage bags to go to a donation site. You have no fucking idea what I’m feeling.

Until you’ve occupied a house where the grim reaper’s handiwork is laying on your bedroom floor for 9 hours, You don’t know shit.

Until you’ve cried yourself to sleep out of guilt and loneliness after masturbation. No words, anecdotes, or over sharing of your personal drama even compares.

Until the future you’ll have to forge into alone yawns before you, almost everything you think you know is absolute and complete bullshit.

Nothing prepares anyone for losing a spouse that you’ve spent almost your entire adult life with. It’s massive! It’s a kick to the balls and the kicking just doesn’t stop.

Telling me “You’ll have to sell object X, Y, or Z,” to keep the lights on, mentioning a person’s name over and over but not providing a phone number after repeatedly being asked to do so isn’t helpful.

It’s cruel! Especially when the person you mentioned is hidden behind multiple websites with no fucking phone number on any of them. It’s also not helpful at all to keep saying that the objects in question are valuable. Duhhhh! I fucking paid for them! The objects in question are also not the kind of things that sell like hotcakes, especially in this economy. Which means these objects are not instant income streams. Despite what you think.

So for those of you who keep saying, “I know just how you feel,” shut the hell up!

You’re not being supportive. You’re not helping, all you’re doing is ripping the bandage off again and again and pissing me off. I’ve got better things to do right now than listen to you blather on about your trauma and attempting to use me as a free psychologist.

You deal with your own shit and leave me to deal with mine.

Yeah… There are some phone calls you just let go to voicemail!

I’m getting better at that every freakin day.