Tag: Being a man

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Something that made me smile…

In preparation for possibly selling the house, I’ve been cleaning closets.

The other half, God rest his soul was a heck of a packrat and had a habit of saving all kinds of paperwork in boxes, backpacks, shopping bags, and disused briefcases. Each one of which I must now open and determine from which epoc the paperwork within belongs.

That’s enough fun and I have found a lot of very strange things. I’ve also happened upon a treasure trove of CDs all of them classical music and none of them digitized. I’m at a complete loss as to why this would be. The resources to digitize and store all of his music on his computer, ipad, iphone or whatever were available. For some reason it just never got done and to the best of my knowledge I was never asked to do it or help. 

It’s one of those questions I’ll have to ask him when I see him next. I do hope that I can call him to the gates of heaven to chat for a moment or two before I’m put on the express elevator to hell. I doubt they’ll allow phonecalls between the two places and the long distance charges would be outrageous even if such calls were allowed.

Another part of cleaning out the closets has been dealing with the porn collection. There are quite a few videos we accumulated over the years. After the fire, we replaced a lot of what we originally owned on VHS tapes with DVDs or BluRays. As technology advanced and porn houses started offering their movies digitally I allocated a chunk of space on our server to store movies. I’ve also transferred many movies to the server, so that they are available on demand on virtually any device with a screen in the house.

As I was sorting movies from the shelf in the closet, I noticed a number of titles were not on the server and were not available for download from the production houses. So while going through the heartwrenching task of sorting or trashing things from boxes, bags, etc. I also began moving videos to the server. Once the DVD is on the server, I’ve been boxing them for storage and transport. 

This process has gone quite well. After moving the videos to the server, I decided to do a little quality check and so I told a player application to play the videos. I wasn’t watching them actively, I was spot checking as I walked something to the trash or checked on the dog.

The Dog will only allow me about an hour before he brings a ball in and drops it loudly next to my foot.

Anyhow, between laundry, sorting paperwork and the dog demanding that I play, I completely forgot about the videos playing on the TV in the bedroom. The volume was low and I was distracted. I’d returned to the front bedroom closet concentrating on the mountain of paperwork and odd bits & pieces of stuff collected over the past 13  years or so. 

I would ocassionally hear a voice, but couldn’t make it out, and thought that it was coming from outside the house. (The weather is nice so it’s routine for the crazy woman and her crazy man to be screaming at each other, one in the house and the other in the yard. Everytime they start up I first imagine an episode of COPS and then tune them out.)

Several hours pass as I’m digging through paperwork, playing with the dog, and tossing stuff into the recycle bin. During all this time I’ve been hearing voices and simply assumed it was the neighbors then cursed their classless nature under my breath…

Until one of the performers in a movie had a particularly loud orgasmic release.

Then I remembered the videos were playing in the other bedroom and found myself taking back all the unkind things I’d been thinking and muttering about the crazy neighbor and her mate.

So, Note to self, turn the volume up so I can hear the video playing the the other room, or turn the volume down and be happily surprised when I walk into the bedroom and see the porn is still running.

And now I’m off to throw the ball for the dog once again. I can’t deny him, but do think he’s mastered distracting me from the tasks that I need to accomplish.

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Life Events

We’re all getting older.

Deny it all you will, it’s a fact.  Currently, on my mantle is an urn. It’s a nice simple shape.

It contains the cremains of my Significant Other. We had 34 years together; some good, some bad, but the important thing is we endured the hard times and celebrated the good times.

There’s a finality to that urn. It’s like a stake in the ground that says, “From here you go on alone.”

Now, there’s all the paperwork and complications. There’s the digging through documents and trying to find accounts and pay for this, that, and the other thing. There are originals and copies of proof of death to be sent to various organizations. It’s complicated, litigious, and annoying.

There’s cleaning, and organizing of all the little bits of stuff that my S.O. considered important enough to keep and deciding the validity of each thing. Should the silly coffee mug from some professional conference be kept? It means nothing to me. But it was a cup that frequently was on the breakfast table. I suppose, in that, some objects have attained sentimental value, but are they important enough to keep?

How do you decide? What merits an object’s inclusion in a cabinet when everything in the house is something you remember picking out together? When your home is full of memories, how do you weight one item over the rest?

There are items that should be returned to my S.O.s family. I’ve been collecting those because these items have historical significance to the family and should be passed on. Like other objects they have little significance to me personally, but to the family they are bits and pieces of their history. The family should have the opportunity to accept or reject these items.

Our home is full of memories. These memories come unbidden at random times and they can be paralyzing.

Then there are all the good people who don’t know what to say or do. There’s really nothing they can say or do, this pain is mine. I appreciate their well wishes and concern. But really there’s little they can do to help, short of standing with me.

There are those among the friends of my S.O. for whom drama seems to be necessary. For them, sharing their trauma of losing a parent or sibling is supposed to be helpful. In reality their repetitive oversharing is just ripping the bandage off the wound.

It’s not that they mean to be cruel. They just don’t understand that grieving a spouse seems to be a private affair. Losing a spouse is very different from losing a parent or sibling. I’ve experienced all three now. The spouse, is a completely different experience.

When you’re growing up, you come to understand that death is part of life. You understand there’s an order to things. You eventually realize that your parents will one day, not be there, and you usually have a long time to come to grips with that concept. Often, your parents, realizing their own mortality, provide you with guidelines and instruction. It’s not overt, but you see your grandparents pass on and by observation you learn how to come to grips with that inevitably.

When your parents pass on, you grieve following your parent’s example of grieving their parents.

When your spouse passes on, you have some rudimentary coping mechanisms but those don’t really fit. You’re in uncharted waters and each day brings new and different pain.

You see something that your spouse left behind. For example, a mess, and your first thought is to be irritated by it, then you remember your spouse is gone. That’s when you feel guilt about being irritated with them, and grief washes over you. Then you wonder if you were good enough to them, were you petty when you expressed your irritation about them leaving messes in their wake.

Should you have been more patient and loving? Then you’re back to guilt.

You don’t really have time to process your feelings because there are plans and decisions to be made.

The love of your life may be at peace, but you’re anything but…

I’ve found myself losing hours of a day over something trivial. I’ve been awakened by the dog in the night because unbeknownst to me I was crying in my sleep. It’s a strange feeling to be awakened by your dog kissing tears away. In the dim moonlight I can see the dog’s concerned eyes. Once I’m awake, he lays down next to me with one paw on my arm, as if to say, “I’m here Dad, it’s going to be alright.”

I’m anthropomorphizing the dog. He doesn’t really understand, but he’s aware something fundamental has changed in our home.

Grief appears to be a journey. It’s not one that I’m prepared for, and not one that any of us have a choice in undertaking.

I’m getting the feeling that this is also a long journey.

All of which is to say, I’m likely to be writing intermittently at best.

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Just a random thought about Twitter.

I’ve noticed that more and more politicians are claiming that Twitter is becoming more bigoted.

I’m looking at you Adam Schiff!

Adam schiff

What I wondered is this;

What would happen if people just randomly sent a tweet to people like Adam Schiff, Maxine Waters, John Fetterman, Katie Hobbs, Nancy Pelosi, and whoever else popped to mind saying, “I Don’t like you.”

Nothing more than that. I realize that my list is all Democrats but hey why not give every politician the same treatment equally?

What would happen on Twitter? It’s not hate speech, it’s not a threat, it’s not a call for violence, or any of the other “banned” interactions. It’s simply telling the person in question unequivocally that you, as a person don’t like them. 

This could be for any reason, you don’t like their politics, you don’t like their stance on gun control, you don’t think they’re doing a good job, whatever the reason, a simple generic, “I don’t like you,” shouldn’t be banned, it’s not bigoted, and it leaves the interpretation of your message open to the recipient.

Given that so many of these people seem to live for the adulation of the press, and attention from the public. I’ve wondered what receiving thousands or millions of generic messages like this would do to their collective psyches.

These people claim to want to protect democracy, how would they react to a completely egalitarian registration of people simply not liking them? What would they do if a preponderance of “I Don’t Like You” messages was all they received via their Twitter feed? I wonder if they’d get the message.

In the case of Adam Schiff who is claiming that he’s getting more bigoted remarks in the wake of Elon Musk taking the helm of Twitter, I think that perhaps Mr. Schiff is missing the point. Perhaps it’s not bigoted, perhaps the negative comments have nothing to do with his religion or appearance, but instead have to do with him personally. 

I find Mr. Schiff to be a thoroughly unlikable person. Every time I’ve seen him giving speeches or appearing on chat shows he simply comes across as a nasty piece of work. So I don’t like him. Politically, he’s milquetoast except in his rabid hatred of all things Trump. To see him whining on CNN about bigotry on Twitter does nothing more than than confirm to me he’s a weak individual struggling to hold onto power.

Most of the rest of the Twitterati, (of which I was one,) have lived under draconian, arbitrary, capriciously enforced “rules”. Twitter users could say, “I wish Trump was dead,” or “All infidels in Synagog X should be killed.” But other Twitter users couldn’t say The Transgender agenda is more far reaching than has been said and I think they’re after our kids. A Twitter user who said something negative about transgenders would be banned instantly.

Now that censorship is not protecting Adam Schiff from real people that don’t like him, his feelings are hurt and he views people speaking their mind as an affront.

I think Adam Schiff should grow a pair, and perhaps should grow some thicker skin too. If he actually believes in what he’s doing and is committed to his position, then it doesn’t matter what people say about him.

That’s what I mean by saying he’s proving to me, with every single appearance where he’s bitching and whining about bad things being said about him or to him on Twitter, that he’s a terribly weak individual with weak commitment to his values. He’s changeable as the wind, last month he liked Twitter, because he was protected from the slings and arrows of the American Public. This month Twitter is bad, for no other reason than he gets to see what people really think.

Politicians getting direct engagement from their constituents could be a good thing. If for no other reason than politicians would have a less filtered and isolated view of what is important to the people they govern.

I suppose this was why I was thinking about a simple concise message, “I don’t like you,” might be useful. It’s up to the politician to reach out and ask why. If they choose not to engage, then the American People would have another valuable data point for the next election.

On the other hand, if a politician chose to ask why 900,000 people sent him or her, “I don’t like you,” on a particular day and found that their position of a particular issue had been misreported. They would have the opportunity to explain themselves and perhaps get a message back from the American People that said, “Okay I get it. Thank you for the clarification.” They may not win everyone over, but at least they’d be in contact with the people and not acting as if they lived in a bubble.

If we’re really all about democracy then let’s be democratic.

It is things like this thought that make me almost ready to engage in Twitter again. I just can’t quite decide if it’s worth my time or effort yet.

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On the nice side of life…

We had our first snow of the season last night.

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The dog is overjoyed! Me, not so much. But we’ve successfully cleared the decks, driveway, and a good chunk of the road.

My exercise ring is complete, the activity ring is mostly complete, and my stand ring has a way to go. My knees are aching but there’s no sharp or excessive pain so I think I’m good for the moment. What remains to be seen is if I’ll be able to move tomorrow.

Getting old is a challenge, but on the bright side I can legitimately be a crotchety old man!

The solar panels (which are still not online) appear to be clearing themselves quickly. The snow wasn’t high enough to block the black frames so they started heating up when the sun hit them. Then the more the panels were exposed, the more heat they absorbed and so on. I enjoy watching natural effects and seeing how they impact stuff in surprising ways. 

Honestly, I hadn’t thought about how the panels would affect snow sitting on them. I kinda thought that once covered, they’d stay that way until a thaw.

The poor UPS guy got his truck stuck, the driver had no idea how to handle Ice and snow. The more he struggled the more the truck started sliding sideways until it looked like he was going to hit an electrical pole.

A neighbor and I helped him out. I asked him how much it was worth for him to get out… I think he may have thought I was serious. We got him righted and I promised him we’d get him out without damaging his truck. 10 minutes, and a little instruction from the neighbor about driving on snow later, the UPS guy was on his way again. UPS should maintain their tires better. That truck had six bald tires and shouldn’t have been running up here or for that matter on a wet road.

Word to the wise, don’t screw around with UPS trucks on wet pavement, give them wide berth, the driver probably can’t stop even if they want to.

It’s a sunny day now, that should finish clearing the icy spots on our street, and will hopefully clear the roads in the upper elevations too. A couple of roads up, the houses are mostly vacation homes so there’s no-one to clear the streets or drives.

I’m guessing that we’ll have the first snow players up here tomorrow and then through the weekend. Maybe this year will be better than last and they’ll keep to the designated play areas. I know it’s unlikely, but I can still have a smidgeon of hope.

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Wow, I was interested in seeing Bros… Now I wonder.

I have enjoyed Luke Macfarlane in other performances. I know nothing about Billy Eichner.

Billy Eichner has apparently tweeted his dissatisfaction about Bros opening weekend box office. It apparently wasn’t very good.

1 bros 2022

Reading what Eichner said was pretty offputting. There wasn’t any need for him to shoot his mouth off. I’d have much more respect if he’d taken the opening weekend under performance like a man and simply moved on. 

Lets face it, this movie is going to have limited appeal. That being said, the box office may have improved over the Columbus Day Holiday weekend had Eichner not sounded like such a spoiled brat.

Now, I’m thinking I’ll wait for it to be on streaming services.

It may well be funny, the trailer has some moments that look promising, but I’m not sure that I can put up with catty board room scenes with a bunch of LGBT people sitting around sniping at each other. That is something that I’ve personally had way too much of.

From the trailer, this movie appears to be steeped in elitism. Not having seen the movie itself I could be wrong. But the trailer sure had that elite feel to it.

There are other movies that are gay romantic comedies with more appeal to the average gay man.

You know, the guy who worries if he’ll be able to pay his electric bill. The guy who uses his phone with the cracked screen for a year or so, because it still works, and he doesn’t have the cash to pony up $800 for a new one.

Movies like:

In & Out
The Birdcage
If Dad Only Knew
4th Man Out
The 10 Year Plan

All of which are worth watching.  The latter two have pretty relatable characters and tell a good story. Sure they’re not mainstream but they’re nice films.

The thing is, not everyone is elite, not everyone can live in a beautiful apartment in New York, not everyone gets to sit in an office arguing over inconsequential trivialities. 

There are a lot of Gay and Bi men who do manual labor. They don’t live in high-rises sometimes not even in a single bedroom apartment. The have calluses on their hands, they’re pragmatic and don’t hang out every night in bars with a $25 cover charge.

Perhaps those same LGB people are a bit reticent to spend money at a theater to watch a bunch of elites bemoan their “horrible” lives. Maybe those Gay and Bi men are more content to buy a six pack, grab a good burger as a treat to themselves, and wait for Netflix to show the movie 6 months down the road.

Maybe, they don’t want to sit in a theater with a bunch of the LGBT community screeching and howling a a big screen. Maybe these guys have so little in common with the “normal” LGBT people that they’re uncomfortable in such a crowd.

Maybe from a personal worth perspective these guys would rather go home, shower, and sit on their couch in a clean pair of boxers with their feet up while they wonder if they’ll be able to put gas in their truck.

I can say this, after hearing Billy Eichner whine about homophobia and straight people not seeing his movie I’m less inclined to see it. That’s a pity too, because I could really use a good laugh.

Speaking of which maybe I’ll queue up If Dad Only Knew. There are some pretty funny scenes.

Mr Eichner, you really need to learn when it’s time to keep your mouth shut.