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Got a new toy… A Tenga

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OK right at the outset for my friends who are squeamish about me saying stuff about sex…. I’m about to talk about a sex toy.

NO! Not a dildo or vibrator. I’m not planning to extoll the virtues of either.

It’s a TENGA. While this is a lot like the FleshLight (Which I also have and enjoy, but which is also aging). This little Japanese wonder is… Well A LOT OF FUN!

Had some time to give it a whirl this morning. I think I’m going to be making time for this puppy more often.

Tengaflip

Unlike the FleshLight, the Tenga opens horizontally along it’s long axis. This allows for very easy application of lubricant and even easier cleaning.

One down side to the FleshLight is the cleaning.

My FleshLight is showing signs of wear not from use so much as from the cleaning.

The disassembly process puts strain on the silicone insert and over time creates micro-tears around the circumfrence. I’ve also had difficulty with the hard plastic parts becoming brittle over time. 

The Tenga solves these issues and makes cleanup a snap. It’s nice to be able to really get at all the nooks and crannies with plain old soap and water.

A major issue for me with the FleshLight is that after I’ve had my fun, I’ve got the insert out which has all the structural integrity of a dead octopus… that has to dry, plus the outer case, plus the two end caps. This pile of parts has sit somewhere while drying, quite often that someplace is out on the bathroom counter.

If you hurry the drying process with say a blow dryer… you risk damaging any or all of the components. If you just say “Fuck it!” An all too likely prospect in my world, you’ll put it away wet and then run the risk of god knows what growing in the thing.

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The Tenga is completely different.

There are exactly two parts. The cover is used during your fun… it’s what keeps the two halves of the Tenga locked together. When not in use the cover protects the silicone in the business end of the unit.

After cleaning, the cover supports the whole unit upright for drying.

The design is elegant and functional.

I’m not trying to sound like an ad copy writer here but I’ve always had a great respect for simple functional design. I’ve never seen any reason not to have the same design criteria for sexual toys.

One thing that I didn’t realize when I purchased my new best friend is that the nubs and groves are available in different patterns.

I’d been shown the inside of one in the store, and when I got mine home, the inside was different. So if you’ve got a penchant for a particular pattern of bumps, nubs, grooves, etc. pay attention to the packaging. I don’t know if the color of the plastic shell correlates with the pattern or not. But the possible differences are worth noting.

Ok so now you know the basics… Now you’re thinking, DUDE! How does it feel?

In a word…. Ahhhhhhhhh fuck yeah!

OK that’s more than one word… sue me!

Here’s where the Tenga shines. If you’ve been observant, you’ve probably wondered about the buttons you can see in the photos. Each of those buttons changes the feeling. (No, the unit is not powered) pressing the buttons applies additional pressure. The one at the bottom makes the entry very tight. YEAH!

The middle button does something that makes the unit have a lot more suction Whoo Hooo, and the top button increases the tightness, stimulation at the head of your dick. OMG!

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All in all, a series of DAMN good feelings.

Sitting here thinking about it…. I might have to go have another round with my new friend…

…. OK I’m back. Yeah I think I like the middle and end buttons best! Whew!

Now where was I?

Oh there may be a down side for some of my friends. The Tenga isn’t as long as the FleshLight, It’s also not as wide.

The length might not be a deal breaker but the width of the business end could present a problem for some of my well endowed friends. You know who you are!

On my personal scale the Tenga is a great product. It’s a bit pricy but if it holds up, well  worth it. Throw in some excellent  Spunk Lube and this toy will have you spunking in short order.

To my friends… if you’re interested come on by I’ll let you take my new friend for a spin. Something I might add that I never felt entirely comfortable doing with my FleshLight, again that whole cleanliness issue.

Oh and you’re going to clean it… I’m not your fucking maid! And I’m probably going to watch. You all know I’m a voyeur so that should be no surprise!

 

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Had a good day In Palm Springs

It was hotter than Hell!

By the time I decided to leave it was 104F, but what a great day.

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I went to Palm Springs for a shooting match.

I was expecting to meet a friend who’s a regular participant but I’d screwed up on my calendar, I was supposed to meet him NEXT Sunday! OOOOPPPSSS!

I’d showed up with my camera, not a gun so there was perhaps some understandable suspicion on the part of the gun club members. My plan had been to snap some pictures of my buddy and his daughter while they participated in the competition.

After I’d observed for a while, one of the folks participating in the match spoke to me. When I told him I wasn’t a spy for “The Other Side” trying to dig up dirt on the evils of guns he laughed and opened right up. 

It didn’t take long for me to figure out that I’d screwed up and my friend wasn’t going to be there, but I decided to stay, observe and learn what I could. As it turns out that was a good decision. The crew shooting was a gregarious bunch and genuinely decent people. Two Englishmen were perhaps the most welcoming. 

After spending about half the day watching, I decided that I will be out there again next Sunday. Next time I’ll be participating. I think it’s something that I’d like to do as a bit of a hobby.

We’ll see how it goes after next weekend. 

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So what Am I Now?

What I was…

25pmFor a very long time I’ve been a technology person. There was a time when I could solder up all 25 Wires of an RS-232 connector from memory. (Yes, at one time there were 25 wires. Few people used them all, which resulted in an addition to the specification that gave us the more familiar 9 pin connectors.I’ve always suspected par of the revision was because manufacturers started using the same 25 pin connector family for parallel printers.) The thing that’s funny is that like most of my brethren today, I’m a living encyclopedia of the computer industry. 

At that time, I could also troubleshoot to component level many of the problems that happened with the machines that were common in the work place Computer, printer, copier, fax, or even telephone.

In those days you were a computer guy and that meant that you had the tools, aptitude, and ability to work on pretty much any office equipment. It didn’t matter that you might not have the “Formal” training, everyone assumed that you were capable of figuring stuff out. 

Unfortunately, That was a volatile time in the computer industry. My resume reads like a eulogy for the fallen corporations I’ve worked for and been laid off from.

Over the years, I’ve kept up with technology, I’ve adapted to the ever-changing environment and new ways of doing things. Sure I remember some truly useless shit. Nowdays who needs to know the difference between MFM and RLL drives? Who needs to know that at one time there was 300 BPI and 800 BPI magnetic tape? When was the last time you saw a Teletype aside from in a museum? Do you even know what a Teletype is?

But ALL of that useless shit still has a bearing on how things work. Did you know that computers still have the ability to respond to old teletype commands? You’ll see it in terminal programs even today. A bit is STILL a bit, 0 or 1. Until quantum computing becomes widely distributed we’ll still be talking 0 or 1, on or off.

Once quantum computing goes main stream then we’ll all have to think in qubits and then the paradigm will shift. But until then the basics I learned back in the stone age of computing still apply.

In looking for a new job I’ve been amazed at how narrow the focus has become. Most HR people and a surprising number of hiring managers haven’t a clue what they’re talking about.

For example, the questions:

Do you know about Ethernet

Do you know about TCP/IP

 and

Do you know about Networking?

Mean practically the same thing in the context of computer systems. However each HR person and many Hiring managers ask these three questions over and over again. And they get annoyed when you answer “Yes, these are all interrelated and to some extent in normal conversation synonymous. The only time that you would be concerned about the individual questions is when the general network failed or you were setting up a new network”.

Were I a hiring manager, if someone I interviewed said that I’d HIRE the person! Alas, I’m not king of the world yet and so I patiently answer each question yes. Until the person asking the questions manages to meander through the entire list and realizes that they now know nothing more about me other than my capacity to say “yes”. Simply asking questions about terms does nothing to confirm that an individual knows how to apply that information.

I don’t interview well.

I do know a great deal about a number of things. My primary strength is my ability to simplify the highly technical data and relate the information to most people in terms that they understand. I’m also adept at figuring out things on the fly and if left to my own methods will deliver consistently high quality work.

Problem is, nowadays nobody seems all that interested in creating quality work. It’s about teams and balanced approaches and making sure that every member of the team is contributing their best, even if their “Best” isn’t up to par. Oh and By the way… you can’t boot the sub par people from the project because it would damage their career.

But it’s perfectly ok to have sub par people drag the rest of the group down the tubes and even better if we all end up in the unemployment line together.

Homogenization isn’t ALWAYS the answer. Sometimes the folks on the short bus NEED to be on the short bus.

My way of thinking is out of step, wrong headed and contrary to group think. Unfortunately, I can’t hide that I CAN and WILL think and act independently. I guess at my age I’m tired of dealing with morons who control my fate but who will never share it.

Obviously I’m not what the current Corporate America wants.

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So what am I now?

The job search is going nowhere. The telephone interviews are beyond mindless. I wish someone would just ask “What can you do FOR US?”

I’ve been a technician, Software tester, Publisher, and I’m also not bad at photography or so I’m told. Now… I’m still all of these things plus I’m a struggling writer too.

What kind of writer? That is an excellent question, hopefully I’ll be a successful writer of smut. But I’m open to writing other things too. I’ve got a couple of SciFi ideas and perhaps even some other “Adventures” where the characters are full people not sexless automatons.

All of this is to say I’m working on recreating myself. So if I seem like my writing is all over the map or I’m not writing quite as regularly chalk it up to my being head down at my desk finishing the first novel. And you fortunate reader… Are the first to read a chunk of the book.

I’ll let you guess which part of what you just read is going into the book.

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What I do when I’m really bored…

I’ve been signed onto the National Do Not Call list for a while now.

Telephone ch

in general I dislike people and am a disagreeable person so I’m doing telemarketers a favor!

I honestly can’t see that being on that list has done me any good at all.

I think that having the phone number unlisted was a far more effective solution. But like an idiot I believed that the do not call list would be all that I needed and therefore stopped paying Verzion the additional fees to keep the phone number unlisted.

Once the phone number was listed… there was no going back.

As a rather strange aside…

When I told the Verizon representative that I wanted to make the change allowing my phone number to be listed… They were obligated to tell me that my number wouldn’t appear in the phone book until the next printing. I clearly remember processing what the representative said… then my brain rebooted!

It was one of those moments when you wonder just how stupid people are. For Verizons script to have included this bit of nonsense they must have had people calling them asking why their phone number hadn’t magically appeared in the printed phone book!

I digress. I feel like I’m channeling Andy Rooney… Hey Ghost Hunters, exorcism on aisle 8…

Since registering on the Do Not Call system, I’ve seen absolutely no change in the volume of junk phone calls. What I have noticed is that most of the calls originate in India. There is even one persistent caller that is calling from a cell phone registered in India. Really? A Cell phone?

When I’m slightly bored I’ll go to the trouble of doing a reverse look up of these phone numbers…

(Hey, you can only masturbate just so many times in a day before it gets boring… Ok, THAT never gets boring… there’s always another melon or mango to violate…)

On the reverse lookup lists you find that a lot of people have very nasty things to say about the people calling from these phone numbers. Even more often people have nastier things to say about each other in addition to commenting on the marital status of the parents of the person making the call in the first place.

Some people answer these calls with air horns, whistles, screaming tirades, obscenities, or there’s one guy in MN that answers with the recorded sounds of sex.

Uhh… Somehow I don’t think that would make the calls less frequent. I rather think that the calls couldn’t come in because the switching station couldn’t handle the volume.

“We’re sorry, all circuits are busy please try your call again later“.

The guy in MN does get to have an uninterrupted nap, at least until the circuits clear.

My solution is a fax machine. Coincidentally that’s how I know who’s called and what I use to look up their phone numbers when the fruit drawer in my fridge is empty.

The calls start at 7:30 AM and continue until about 9:00 PM

These fall into a few general catergories.

Telemarketing

Scams

and

Bill Collectors.

The bill collectors are really funny.  Sometimes when I’m really bored I’ll answer the phone. Their first question aggressively stated is “WHO ARE YOU?” My response is “Dude, you called me? don’t you know who you were trying to reach?” Inevitably they demand my social security number, I demand their credit card number.

“You’ve called StudMuffins R US This is Adam and you’l be billed $9.95 for the first 5 minutes of our sex chat. We’ll bill you $6.95 every 3 minutes thereafter. So what are you wearing?“

This usually messes the caller up. They try to recover but they’re a lot more contrite about it.

During one of these calls I discovered that a young lady in San Diego was scamming a ton of stores. She’d open credit cards max them out and then move on to the next store or cell phone company. She apparently pulled a phone number out of the air for all of the applications… that number was mine. To further complicate matters, her name is similar to mine. With those two data points, a lot of collection agencies call me thinking I know the bitch. I don’t… but I do know another bitch that really deserves to be hounded, and I’m sorely tempted to give the collection agencies her number.

Nationwide,  bad debt is being sold to all kinds of low life, scum bag collection agencies. So about every 3 months a whole new flood of phone calls hits my poor fax machine because these collection agencies are trying to collect on debts that are deader than Tutankhamen.

Sterile latex surgical gloves

Most of these agencies are in India and I honestly think that they’ve been scammed.

I’d like to shake the hand of the Scum bag bill collector that thought to sell un-collectable debt to India. I’d of course wear a glove while shaking his hand… I mean you really don’t want to get any of that kind of scum on you!

Think about it, American debt collectors have a pile of un-collectable bad debt. They in turn sell it to an Indian collection agency for a couple grand and then the Indians try to recoup their investment. It’s elegant and turns bad accounts into cash… Unless you’re the company in India. Go Capitalism!

Which brings us to the scammers and they are inexorably linked to the Telemarketers.

“Hello I’m calling on behalf of the one legged, limp wristed blond African fund, our records show that you donated to our worthy cause last year and we wanted to know if you were interested in contributing this year.”

“What? You didn’t want to donate money to the one legged, limp wristed blond African fund? Oh you meant to donate to the Republican party? Certainly I can correct this problem for you. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience. I just need the credit card number that you originally used. OF course I’ll wait. Ok now let me enter the number… Ooops, I’m sorry that card number isn’t on file perhaps you used another card? Of course I’ll wait, you take your time.“

These folks are beyond scum. They prey on little old ladies from Pasadena. You just DON’T rip off old people… I’ve made the suggestion that a very special place hell be created for people that do. Tele-evangelists are included in this group.

Satan is running a focus group right now… (There were a bunch of engineers who were very bad people. They’re sitting in with the focus group… Hey it’s a twofer for Satan, and Hell for the engineers!)

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If I’m unlucky enough to get a call from one of these people and figure ’em out early enough, I’ll start having imaginary sex and talk dirty to my imaginary partner or melon whichever is handier…

About the time I’m saying “Ohh baby, lick the head, SUCK IT yeah, yeah, let me see your hole, you like that? Daddys got more for you. I’m gonna rip you open and eat you up, Ohhh baby you’re a little cold, this will warm you up!”

The caller has become either so embarrassed that they’ve hung up or they’ve become a total pervert.

Either way… I win!

I’m not bored for a while and have a new project in the kitchen…

Fruit salad anyone?

 

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Lady Gaga offends with innocent comment.

You have to be fucking kidding me!

The Huffington Post carried a story about offended fans of Gaga

Cheeseburger

Lady Gaga said in a tweet she’d just done two spin classes back to back and was eating a salad but dreaming of a cheeseburger.

She hashtagged the tweet with #popsingersdonteat and it looks to me like she was being funny.

Anyone who’s spent any time in a gym knows damn well that we eat the salad because it’s good for us.

But in our heart of hearts after burning a ton of calories our bodies are telling us;

“MEAT!  After all that work I want fucking mammoth meat and I want it NOW!“

Apparently organizations which deal with eating disorders and many fans took offense that Gaga might have said something TRUE about her personal state of mind.

Gaga demonstrated once again that she is a human being with a brain, wants, desires,  a sense of humor,  an understanding of irony, and apparently the ability to integrate it all.

The National Eating Disorder Association seems to have gone way out of the way to make a statement that I personally find moronic. They say in their twitter account;

“Huh? This is the same person who recently implored girls to stop dieting?”

What? Lady Gaga wasn’t making a blanket comment about people with eating disorders or anything else. Since when does not needlessly dieting equate to not getting off your ass and exercising?

Abraham Lincoln once said “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.“

I’m using a modernized variant “You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot please all of the people all of the time.“

Frankly, I’m done with even trying to please anyone anymore. Accept me as I am, because as Gaga says… I WAS BORN THIS WAY!