Bone In The Throat

I’m fairly sure that my former career is toast.

Oddly, where once I was very angry about it… Now I’m not so angry.

Sure when I think about it and allow myself to feel that I’ve been thrown away by corporate America and to some extent by America in general I still get a little pissy.

But It’s not like it was this time last year.

Now I’m looking forward to what I’ll do next.

I’m going to have to trim my expenses by a considerable amount. But I think I can do that.

I’m still working albeit not as hard as I should be on finishing my first book. I will finish it… 

I’m thinking that perhaps what will be best for me in the interim is to find a simple job that pays enough for me to pay my bills.

I don’t want that as a long term solution but I do think it might be an achievable short term goal.

Recently I’ve been fortunate enough to be involved with a couple of gatherings that demonstrated several things to me.

1) People are hungering for things that the internet can’t provide.

2) There may be a growing number of people that are pulling back from things like FaceBook and other social media.

3) Intimacy is something that everyone needs regardless of their walk of life or sexuality. Men in particular seem to be starving for it 

4) Many men don’t have the ability to articulate even to themselves this need.

Much of this was brought painfully home to me as I attended the first meeting. The speaker was saying these things and I thought, “yes that resonates with me”. But what really drove it home was that I decided to start at the beginning of the book and do some editing.

As I reread the first chapters making changes and improving continuity I realized that there, in the pages I’d written was the same message.

In communications with friends and acquaintances this point has been driven home again and again.

I’ve had similar conversations with male friends and acquaintances who identify as Straight, Bi, gay, and curious. and all of these men seem to crave the same thing.

Silence, Peace, Joy, Sensuality, Compassion, Intimacy, Passion, Love, and Touch. All in varying degrees. The straight men aren’t going to need or indeed may not be comfortable with sensuous touch from another man. However all of these men could enjoy and benefit from a simple hug regardless of the gender of the person giving it to them. All of these men could benefit form having someone that would just listen.

In these conversations it’s become obvious that perhaps I’ve been ignoring a calling that was right in front of me.

These men are in general men that I care about. They’re friends (old and new), acquaintances, potential friends and because I care about them I find myself reaching out to them with the very strong desire to comfort them. 

I find that I want to help them, to allow them a few hours of safety where they don’t have to worry about defending themselves or having their defenses up at all.

Obviously, these friends are very different from the general population.

However it has raised a question in my head. Could I provide some of these unrequited needs to men? If so in what capacity? Could I find a career where I could make a living being a guidepost to people who need someone to help them find their way?

This would allow me to continue to pursue art, and writing  to feed my own soul. But it would also allow me to pass through the world leaving it a better place than it was. That too feeds my soul.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I’m far less interested in the latest craze and far more interested in doing those things that fill me with joy, feeding my spirit at the same time.

Only recently I’ve come to the realization that I’ve never been truly happy at any job I’ve ever had except one.

That was when I was spent time as a Personal Trainer. In retrospect I loved helping people.

I hated the fact that the gym I was working for, was all about screwing the trainers & clients out of as much money as they could.

While I was actually working with clients… I was happy and joyful. I looked forward to going to work.

At the time I was also using my knowledge of technology publishing a monthly magazine that I was very proud of.

Unfortunately I had a business partner that assumed I was rich and that he was entitled to all the funds in the business.

This ultimately led to me ceasing publication on the magazine, paying off the debts owed by the magazine and having to go back to work in a cubicle farm. 

I carried a lot of anger about that for many years. I genuinely hope that he learned something and won’t make the same mistakes again.

Now, many years later I’m out of the technology field, even though it’s not necessarily by my choice. 

It’s time for me to follow my heart.

I’d rather have the time to write than commute 80 miles to report to an office building.

I’d rather deal with people on my terms than deal with bosses and coworkers who are all about scrambling up the corporate ladder at any cost.

I need to pursue art, beauty & light instead of struggling to preserve those parts of me against an onslaught of negative forces.

So after over a year of worry and fretting about a new job & being “thrown away by corporate America”. I’m going to try something new.

I have no idea where this will lead. I can say that right now, I’m feeling really positive and good for the first time in a while.

Time will tell if this is the right path for me. 

I do know going back to corporate America doesn’t appear to be an option. I suppose I would temporarily if only to fund my ability to pay for the training that I’ll need to move into the light.

My journey begins with setting down some baggage that I’ve carried far too long. 

Someone else can pick it up if they wish, I’d strongly recommend against it.