Bone In The Throat

Lately I’ve been dealing with isolation.

Due to my work schedule, I’ve been cut off from non-work interactions for about 3 years. In truth it’s probably been longer than that due to commuting long distances to previous workplaces.

This has led to a sense of profound loneliness and disconnection from the world. Most people are troublesome to begin with because they’re wrapped up in their own issues. I know first hand how tough it is to look beyond your own stuff and think of a bigger picture.

Inside my workplace, there seems to be a calculated effort to make sure that no personal connections are made. So at work, I tend to feel alone in a crowded noisy room.

Being as old as I am, I don’t recall that it was always this way. I have memories of knowing my neighbors, even if I wasn’t talking with them every day. I recall clearly knowing that culturally speaking it was ok to go “borrow a cup of sugar” and have a nice conversation with the neighbor next door. I clearly remember just walking up the block to help a neighbor with a project. You knew that you’d be fed for your effort and you’d have company, good conversation and the sense of accomplishment that goes with finishing something.

As time went on, people became more mobile and honestly it was easier to isolate yourself from the community around you because that saved you the heartache of goodbye.

Technological advancements have made it easier to be isolated from the community you actually live in, while at the same time giving you the illusion that you’re part of a community online. The thing is, most of your online “Friends” have no skin in the game. If you’re having a rough time in your life, it’s unlikely that someone you “know” from a thousand miles away is going to show up at your door with a plate of cookies and warm conversation.

So in the midst of my rumination, and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. The book Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging by Sebastian Junger was recommended.

It’s a quick read and is not a self help book.

It is however an interesting exploration of the differences between modern culture and our tribal beginnings. It also brings to light that rejection of “modern” culture is not a new phenomena.

After reading the book, then coupling many if not all of the concepts with my own life experience, I’ve concluded that I’m probably not as alone as I think I am. It’s also likely that I’ve been able to put my finger on what changed in my life and why I feel so disconnected.

I’m not part of any particular group, more specifically I’m not part of any special group.

Politically speaking I’m mostly an independent. I’m liberal and conservative, and refuse to drink the kool-aid of any specific political party. I choose, instead to look at issues and evaluate each one. Based on it’s merit, I may be “Pro” or “Con” regardless of the prevailing political party’s opinion.

I don’t have any particular “Cause“.

Many of the Causes today seem more fleeting than toilet paper in a stomach flu ward.

I’m for smaller government, but at the same time don’t believe that we should leave people in this country in the lurch. If anything I’m becoming anti-foreign aid. That is especially true in light of my belief that we should not provide financial aid to our enemies, That leads us down a rabbit hole of defining who exactly are our enemies.

I’m generally speaking, for a lot less government involvement in the personal lives of citizens. Because of this, my alignment with political parties would be uncomfortable at best. As a result I generally keep my political opinions to myself.

I believe Black lives matter, JUST like all lives matter. But when I look at the way in which that movement makes it’s statements I can’t help but think there’s something else going on.

I’d have a lot more respect for Black Lives Matter if the organization wasn’t bullying people in the streets and was instead teaching folks in the inner cities that violence against each other was a problem. I mean the statistics tend to indicate while there are some bad police engaging in racially fueled brutality, the incidents of Black youth shooting, maiming, and killing each other is far more prevalent than issues with police.

If BLM was addressing those issues and seeking to find peace in troubled communities I’d be far more likely to listen when they start pointing out problems with police brutality.

That doesn’t mean, were I to witness a racially motivated issue with an Officer, that I wouldn’t intervene. There are certainly officers who should not be officers and it is the responsibility of the citizenry to question and police, the police.

Antifa is another group who is completely beyond my understanding. The reason is simple. They traditionally behave in a far more Fascist manner than the people they’re railing against.

There was a time when the Gay community was also united in the same way. Gays were hated because of their “perversion”, then they were united by HIV because as a “Throw-away” subculture no-one was looking for treatment or a cure. ACT-UP coalesced to fight common enemies (HIV and Government sanctioned disposability) and were pretty successful at it.

Marriage equality was another fight that  united the Gay community. But those “Wars” have devolved into occasional skirmishes. Research is ongoing, Marriage is legal, the skirmishes mostly seem to mostly be about wedding cakes now.

If someone won’t bake a cake for you… Find another baker who will. It’s a simple fucking equation.

I mention these groups as examples of groups who have found solidarity within themselves because they are united against something they see as oppressive and overwhelming.

Individuals, by their association with specific groups have the feeling of being the underdog in a righteous fight. In that, they are united by a sense of purpose, commonality, and community.

I think about things… I’ve never been one to just go along with the crowd. Oh sure, to parties, of course. But I’m always among the first to leave if a party starts going south.

My particular problem seems to be that I’m an outlier.

Whether by nature, choice, or life experiences, I’m always on the outside looking in.  When I connect with someone I go all in. I’m curious about them, who they are, and where they’re coming from.  That intensity, (alright intrusiveness) can be unsettling for people, especially when they’ve up to that point, thought of me as reserved and circumspect. I can see their point. They wonder who the real me is.

I think I’ve been trying to answer that particular question all my life.

Am I the good guy? The bad guy? Hero? Martyr? Criminal? Immoral? Amoral? Average? Or below average? Am I all of these, trying to fuse into one individual?

Now, at this point in my life I’ve begun wondering if it’s even a question I should even concern myself with.

Perhaps the best choice is to just let myself run without constraint or worry. Maybe that’s what being comfortable in my own skin is really all about.

 

This is one of my favorite times of year. The light changes and while it isn’t Officially Autumn, the plants and my body know it is.

Last night it was in the high 30’s and there’s a crispness in the air.

I know why I was happier in the mountains than I’ve ever been in the city.

It easier for me to be dialed into the natural world. I can feel the dirt under my feet and the smell of the earth and plants around me. Yes, even the smell of the occasional animal poo when I’m out hiking or walking, is somehow comforting.

Down in the cities it’s all about dominating and keeping the world at bay. Even the grass is manicured to within an inch of its life and wildness in trees or (heaven forbid) weeds isn’t tolerated.

That being said if you’re lucky enough to find an open patch of ground, you’ll find trash, broken glass and God only knows what else because that too is domination of the land. Why can’t we just mark our territory or say, “We were here” by taking a leak on a rock or tree? Why do we have to absolutely trash the place?

As the weather cools on the mountain I’m becoming more convinced that it’s well past time for me to dump the job and find something else to do.

It occurred to me that the domination extends not only into the natural world, it’s in full play on a corporate level too. 

I caught between two very different worlds and a minimalist approach is only appreciated in one of those worlds.

Even the noise of traffic is an expression of domination. Sure there’s the noise of cars rolling by on the two major roads near my apartment. But there are, at regular intervals the really obnoxiously loud cars and motorcycles that are purposely modified to be loud. Call it a person screaming I AM HERE BITCHES! at 1am then they accelerate away so no-one can catch them or call the police.

Loud motors on a racetrack make sense, you want every single bit of power an engine can produce. Loud motors in a residential neighborhood is essentially just pissing on everyone you wake up. I honestly doubt the perpetrators give a thought to the fact that for 30 minutes after they’ve passed every dog in the affected area is barking too.

I come to the mountain, and mostly things are entirely different. It’s quiet I know my neighbors, crazy as some of them are, there’s a sense of community.

It’s this realization that’s leading me more to the conclusion that I can’t stay in San Diego.

In fact It’s making me consider abandoning the more densely populated states altogether.

I’ve thought for years that I didn’t like people. I think it’s more likely I like people just fine. I don’t like crowds of people and prefer to be with like-minded individuals. Folks that appreciate nature and the world around them realizing that nature can’t be dominated.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the autumn light and the chill of the day.

Hope you have a nice day as well.