Category: Male

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Wheeew! That’s Over!

Well that rite of passage is over!

The surgical center gave me a lovely parting gift telling me I had no issues in my colon and there were pictures to prove it. (Again, places that a camera should never go!)

I’m going to plug these folks because they deserve it.

The Newport Beach Surgery Center is an absolutely fantastic place for Outpatient procedures.

This is the second time I’ve been in their care and they really do make the experience as pleasant as possible the staff is simply great.

I can also recommend the following physicians.

Dr. Lochner – Internal Medicine
Dr. Rodriguez – Gastroenterology, Internal Medicine
Dr. Shadid – Surgeon
Dr. Topkis – Anesthesiology
Dr. Patel – Anesthesiology

The reason there are two anesthesiologists listed is that depending on scheduling at Newport Beach Surgery Center it’s luck of the draw.

They were both were kind, courteous, and gentle. Also, what they said was going to happen did.

I vaguely remember going out for the surgery, and seeing Dr. Topkis putting something into the IV. But I don’t remember anything else until I woke up in recovery.

With Dr. Patel and the colonoscopy… I remember being wheeled into the room with the equipment and seeing Dr. Rodriguez even teasing with him a bit and then I think Dr. Patel put something in the IV and I must have dropped mid thought…

I woke up in recovery with an oxygen mask and heard the soft beep beep beep of a heart monitor.

If you’re looking for excellent care, and people that are HUMAN instead of what has become all too common in physicians these days I’d say make the drive to Newport Beach.

You might not want to mention that I sent you… I’m a real pain in the ass as a patient… You don’t want to get off on the wrong foot with these folks! 🙂

Now about the Colonoscopy itself…

Guys, as has been said many times, the prep is the absolute worst part of this procedure. (I got an “Excellent” on my report about my prep, so there!) Doc Rodriguez wanted me to not eat anything except clear liquids the day before the procedure. I was able to have coffee that morning.

Around 3:00 PM that day, I started drinking the “kool-aid” (actually the stuff is some Polyethylene Glycol concoction with a ton of mineral salts in it.)

The biggest problem for me is that I knew I was drinking something that I shouldn’t be. My instincts about self preservation and not intentionally hurting myself were going nuts! (Note to any Psychs reading this, You’re not likely to ever see me on a suicide watch list.)

After overriding my instincts, and drinking about 3 glasses of this stuff… well, it was time to take a book and go to the bathroom. It wasn’t too bad at first but by the time I’d finished the whole 4 liters of the mix

I was ready to see ANY room in the house except the bathroom.

After the flushing, I was just tired, hungry, cranky and my butt was sore. Oh, one of the nurses suggested and I recommend it too, get a box of baby wipes for yourself. Even with the baby wipes, my butt was sore, I can’t imagine what it would have been like with just toilet paper.

By about 6 PM the Bathroom time was done and I did treat myself to a little bit of lemon Jello about 8PM. (NOTE: Nothing RED or PURPLE. I guess the dyes can look like blood or something else abnormal.)

After that water, plenty of water… watch a little TV, then bed time.

Next morning, up early. Jerry was so kind driving me down there even though I was cranky. The drive to Newport is a long one from Wrightwood but for the quality of care it’s worth it.

After the prep, it’s a pretty easy deal. You show up at the facility, check in, get into one of those silly gowns with no back, and they take you to a nice bed. You’re asked a few questions, then they hook you up to an IV. Strange thing about the IV is that I was thirsty when I got to the place, but after the IV had been running a bit I wasn’t thirsty anymore and in fact had to get out of the bed to take a leak.

This is where I appreciate the staff at Newport Surgical. They’re Busy as hell! And yet they were kind and acted like it was no problem to help me trundle my ass to the bathroom. I know it must have been a pain for them to break their routine but they didn’t even blink.

After that it’s like “Click” and you’re in recovery. I can suggest that if you wake up with an oxygen mask on, BREATHE DEEP.

It helps, my head cleared probably within a half hour. I remember thinking breathe, this is the good stuff! I occupied myself reading the vitals monitor above my head. When I first work up I vaguely remember that it looked like my BP and Heart Rate were a tad high (for Me) but then as I kept breathing deep everything stabilized back to normal. I don’t know what that was about but it kept me interested and conscious. (figure I’ll ask about it when I see the Doc next.)

There is one thing that you should be prepared for. When it’s over, you’ll be lying there and you will be passing gas. A LOT of gas. No it’s not technically yours. The procedure pumps a bit of gas into you so that they can see the walls of your colon better. So… after the tube is removed, well you get the picture.

Dudes let ‘er rip! The post op nurse is listening for that to make sure you’re ok.

I remember some conversation about it as I was being unhooked from the IV. It may be the ONLY time when its OK be as loud as you want. (aside from competitions with your hunting buddies or brothers)

Think about the beans scene in Blazing Saddles

We were in the car by 9 or 10 and home by 11 am. No ill effects and while I did nap a bit off and on during the day it wasn’t a completely awful experience.

As an aside

I did a little research on something called a virtual colonoscopy as well. I think going old school is probably a better idea for ONE simple reason.

If you actually have to have a growth removed… The virtual will show it but you’re still going to have to go old school to actually have it removed.

That being the case… if the prep is the same you might as well have the tube in your colon ready to remove the growth right then. I’m for a minimalist approach, save the extra steps and it’s probably less expensive in the long run.

That’s just my opinion. And FOR GOD SAKE don’t take anything I’ve said here as gospel. THIS is just MY experience your results will vary. Talk to your Doctor and come to your own conclusions.

As always… Think for yourself!

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Another rite of passage, Oh Goody! — NOT

I was at my Doctors office for a routine checkup a couple of weeks ago.

He was flipping through my chart reviewing my previous stats and he paused.

Then he looks up and says, “You’re 50 aren’t you?” ummm “Yeah”, I answer. Not at all sure I like his tone or where this is going. I feel like I’m about to find out that I’ve become a character in a real life Logans Run.

“Didn’t we discuss a Colonoscopy the last time you were in?”, he says. I’m thinking “Damn! I was hoping that we would just ignore that for another oh…. 50 YEARS!” But I answer, “nope Doc we didn’t” and I’m really unhappy about the Southerly direction our conversation has taken.

Like most men the whole idea of someone doing Fantastic Voyage up my rear end is to say the least… off-putting?

I realize that I’m going to be out of it. I certainly don’t want to witness the procedure although, it’s my understanding that a few brave souls watch the process on a conveniently placed monitor.

You know, I might watch YOUR Colonoscopy making rude comments the whole time but Mine??? Nah hit me with the Michael Jackson juice and call me when the medical folks have finished, I’ll do the walk of shame out of the outpatient surgical center knowing that someone has seen parts of me that even my Mother has never seen.

It’s a violation. No matter how nicely it’s done, or the reasons behind it, there are places that cameras should just NEVER go!

Bathhouses, Nudist weight loss camps, The dungeon of Mistress Ruth, Weasel Burrows during mating season, YOUR PARENTS Bedroom when they’re feeling frisky.

On the plus side I’m pretty confident in the Doctors, both my GP who has never steered me wrong and in the Doc who’s actually going to be driving the camera. They’ve both been really good about answering the questions “Why is this medically necessary?” and “What are the risks, aside from losing out on the internet syndication rights?”

As an interesting aside, the Doc who’s driving the camera up my rear also did the driving in my GP I figure if my GP still recommends him he must be good. Or my GP is a real Sadist! (Hummm, ya know I’ll get back to you on that.)

So why as a guy do you submit to this?

It gives the Doctors a baseline of your general colon health.

You may well have growths in your colon that can cause problems. Getting those things removed now is easier, you’re younger and they’re smaller.

You’d hate to discover these problems just before you’re about to retire and go fishing for the rest of your life. It would truly SUCK to find out that you were going to spend your retirement in the hospital then die from something that was easily treatable 20 years before. Look at it like changing the oil and plugs in your car. Yeah… the car was running ok when you did it but the car will run ok longer afterwards.

If you’ve been developing issues as you got older with certain foods really upsetting your gut, this is a good opportunity to see if the problem is just you getting older or something more serious.

Again the car metaphor fits it’s easier and cheaper to do preventative maintenance or minor repair than to wait for something to really break.

Your significant other gets a threefer!

They get to feel useful because they have to drive you to and from the appointment.

They get to smirk, joke, and talk behind your back with their friends about your prep when you’re developing thrust from your bowels emptying. “My God Edna, I always knew he was full of shit but I never realized just how much! Titter titter. Oh gotta go he just came out of the bathroom looking for a beer!”

For once, your wife knows you’ve experienced a similar shame to the one she’s dealt with yearly in having strangers poking in places they have no business.
My voyage of discovery is scheduled for next week.

I’ll probably have something to say about it then. I’m trying to look on the positive side of it but something about taking a drug that will GIVE ME Montezuma’s Revenge is just Wrong!

I wonder if I could just go to Mexico for a wild weekend and at least have the fun of drinking the water and eating the food?

Probably not… But that sounds like a LOT more fun.

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Something you may not know about me

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A couple of years ago I was with a friend in a mall and ran across this place called The Art of Shaving.


They were selling OLD School shaving implements. I was quite taken with the Nickel razor and brush set in the upper left of the photo.


I bought the set and the soap and several other products.


I get all this home and found that I really enjoyed shaving with a brush. Surprisingly it doesn’t take any more time than shaving with the stuff out of the can.


In the last year… I became increasingly interested in going REALLY old school! So that led to the purchase of my first straight razor.


The first time I shaved with a straight razor I was shaking pretty badly toward the end but I could see the potential. Theory and reality are Ummmm not exactly in alignment and I had the cuts to prove it!


You guys out there know, most of the time we shower, dry off, and shave without bothering to dress between one thing and another. So I’m half way through my first shave (drawing blood in a couple of places) when it dawns on me “If I drop this razor… I’m gonna really hurt myself”. If ever there was an incentive to really think about what you’re doing that was it! Talk about FOCUS!

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My first razor is a Dovo (German make). It’s got a personality all it’s own and gives a good shave.  I didn’t even think about the possibility of different razors having different characteristics when I started down this particular rabbit hole.


From the various reading I’d done on the subject of straight razors. I’d learned that you probably wanted more than one razor. The reasoning behind this is you want to be able to switch off and let the blade rest.


If you choose not to have a few razors then you’re going to be sharpening the one you own a lot more frequently depending on your beard and other factors.  


Those other factors hit me bright and early one Sunday morning. I was happily shaving with my Dovo when I caught the edge of the blade on the faucet of the sink. I was rinsing the blade and got too close to the faucet taking a chunk out of the blade. %&*^$$&&!!!! 


I called around and found out that sharpening the blade could repair the damage but that there were darn few people that had the skills to sharpen a straight razor. 


Additionally, these guys are BUSY! in recent years theres been a bit of a renaissance in straight razor shaving. Which has led to a bunch of guys just like me. 


Guys who are trying to rediscover for whatever reason the lost art of straight razors and who have absolutely no clue about how to put an edge on a knife… much less the finer edge required on a razor.


I turned to the internet and stumbled across a place in Palm Springs that was pretty much full service. I went to their web site and while I was arranging for the repair of my razor, I took a look at their “new razor” store. BIG Mistake!

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…My next razor acquisition was a French blade made by Theirs-Issard. It’s a completely different feel against your throat. It’s light and agile and flickable. 


This a a beautiful razor. It’s got some detail work along the spine that sets it apart from many of the other razors I’ve looked at. 


OK at this point I’m hopelessly hooked.  I’m shaving with the straight razors on the weekends. Kind of as a nice ritual for myself. Long shower, quiet time and a slow meticulous shave. (Slow at this point because I’m still learning and don’t want to “Sweeney Todd” myself!). 


My Dovo came back a week or two later and is good as new. Now I had a razor for Saturday and Sunday and I’m happy.


What I find though is that I’m beginning to PREFER the straight razors over the standard safety razor. And I’m putting off shaving for days just so I can enjoy the weekend shave.


I hear that the place in Palm Springs has opened a retail store, prior to this they were mail order only. So I make a point of going to Palm Springs for a day and I visit the store. MISTAKE!!!!! (Well not really…)


I needed some supplies. I’d been using items from The Art of Shavings line. Occasionally, I’d picked up things from the Anthony mens line.


I walked into the store and was a very happy man. The store has soaps in all varieties and flavors. They’ve collected a bunch of different manufacturers products together and provide samples. It was great and they also had my downfall… A case full of razors.

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…. The next razor I bought,  is an American blade made by Hart Steel. This puppy has a completely different feel from the first two razors. This is a slightly larger blade and it’s got a point on it that the two European designs don’t have.


It’s a great shave too. But you really have to be mindful of the point… I dang near did a Van Gogh on myself the second time I shaved with this bad boy. We’ve since learned to respect each other and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.


At this point… I’m shaving more often with the Straight razors than with the safety razor. I’m no longer reserving the straight razor experience for just the weekend. I’m getting experience and nicking myself far less often than I did in the beginning. 


There’s a Zen like quality to using these blades and I enjoy that they enforce a quietness and focus that you don’t get with the safety razors or electrics. You really have to be present in the here and now while you’re shaving with one of these.


If you’ve ever considered going old school, I say take the plunge! 


I’ll grant you that the start up is pricy. But the overall cost drops significantly once you get set up.


Let me bore you with a couple more points.


This is as green as you can get! 


You don’t throw anything away, the soaps are usually all natural and organic. 


The shaving oil is all organic and often comes in glass bottles.

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The razors are resharpened not disposed of.

With proper care and handling the razors also can be handed down because they’re built to last.

As a side benefit to all of this… I’ve gotten to a point where I want to know how to sharpen my own razors rather than sending them out to professionals. 

Learning to sharpen my razors will also mean that I’ll be able to sharpen the kitchen knives and many other things that have an edge. So in future, I won’t be replacing knives as much.

OH and to my Family….

If I mysteriously die in a Sweeney Todd type accident. If the cut is on my right, I was murdered. If the cut is on my left it’s a accident! I am notoriously hard on the left side of my throat, I haven’t a clue about why… but if i’m gonna cut myself it’s always on the left!