We all know what they are.
Many of us use them.
They’re an outgrowth of social media and honestly, in my opinion our lack of ability to have a conversation with each other in person and perhaps fear.
It’s a lot easier to go down in flames on an application than to go down in a bar in front of your friends.
So part of the fear is the fear of rejection. I assume there’s a lot of fear in general too. I mean in a society where someone is more likely to film you being mugged than to stop the mugging, an application provides a safety margin and the ability to keep someone at arms length until you decide if they’re someone that you’d actually like to meet.
The downside is that instead of someone seeing you as you really are, and you them. Both of you have the opportunity to create completely fictitious personas. If these personas decide to meet then there’s the very real possibility that as the personas meet and dissolve, the two people are left with a critical choice.
Try to pick up the pieces of the fractured personas or call each other assholes. In many cases, meeting never happens. One party or the other “Ghosts”. Technically it’s a no harm, no foul, but one person is always left not knowing what they did, or didn’t do.
At least in a bar, you know from the other person’ body language that your advances are a no go. With the online world, the conversation just stops mid thought.
Another problem with online dating apps is that some people just engage in conversations that lead nowhere and then get pissy when you call them on it. Then there are those people that are trying to have affairs and who are so dishonest with even themselves that they can’t believe that someone might actually be just a simple honest person.
You know, that unicorn of unicorns… Someone that’s honest in their profile and honest in their intentions.
The thing that really blows me away is the folks that “MEGA-Ghost”
These are the folks that not only stop communicating but also delete their profiles on whatever app and then completely disappear. I’ve personally run into a couple of these folks. What’s weird is when they do this and their stated intentions were just to find friends.
It’s always gone something like this;
Them: “Wow you’re really nice, I’d like to meet sometime.”
Me: “Yes, that would be nice what are you thinking about? Coffee? Drink? Light lunch?”
Them: “Sure, that sounds nice.”
Me: “Okay, when and where?”
….
I honestly don’t understand why suddenly asking when and where causes silence and ghosting.
All you have to say is, “We’ll have to schedule it”. OR “You know I’m not ready to go there yet, can we just chat a while longer?” OR “I’m sorry, this is too scary; too fast; or I’m not ready to meet”
I’m a big boy, I can take it and we could go on chatting as before.
But damn! There’s no need to completely disappear.
I recently ran into this kind of situation with a man who said they were looking for men in the local area with similar interests for friendship. Their profile said he wanted to go hiking and that he was looking for someone to talk with have an occasional drink and do outdoors stuff.
I don’t know what his true motive was, but we’d been chatting some, and even had made jokes about people not being clear about their wants. We live within 2 miles of each other and both of us could use a friend to go do stuff when we’re not up for the obligations of our respective relationships. You know… Having some guy time where you can say what you want and not worry about offending anyone.
If you’re hiking on a trail, you can say what you want without being accused of some heinous thought crime.
It was a Friday night, and just five minutes before he went silent, He’d said that he was alone for the next week as his wife was out of town and that he was bored.
I told him hey, “Let’s meet down at the bar. We can have a drink and get to know each other in person. From there we can see if we want to plan a hike or something.”
Ghost! 👻
What the hell?
It’s gotta be me. I must be too direct or something.
I figure anyone with a set of balls should be able to meet for a drink and see if the entertaining conversation is as much fun in person.
But apparently, that’s not the way we do things anymore.
I guess I should take it as the final test.
If I ask someone to have a drink, coffee, lunch, or whatever and they freak out. I should count my blessings and be thankful that I’m not going to get caught up in their drama.
I tend to take people at face value, If you tell me you’d like to get together I assume that you’re not lying and the next logical step is to arrange to meet. After all we don’t need to get carpal tunnel in front of our computer keyboards when we can actually chat in person.
Humm, maybe I’ll put that in my “Profile” and see if that changes the behaviors.
GOD, I miss the good ‘ol days of bars and real conversation.
Thus far it’s just annoying.
I won’t miss the crowds, traffic, noise, or Comic con… Not one little bit.
I do know that, long distance commutes are out of the question in Southern California. They used to be possible but those days are long gone. Where ever I end up working, I’ll probably have a small apartment nearby. Ideally, I’ll have an actual home that I’m earning equity on. But houses nearer the working centers of any city in this country, much more-so in the state of California, are beyond expensive for what you get.
I realized that yesterday was the anniversary of my Dad’s death.
I have a monumental cleanup task waiting on me at the house in the mountains. Part of that task is a creation of my own in that I haven’t been there with enough energy to clean out the stacks of frankly un-necessary paper left in my office on my desk. I’ve already had trouble putting my stuff back in the house because the other person that lives there is a major packrat.
I suppose I’m getting to a point where I don’t place the same value on sentimentality that I once did. Things don’t matter all that much to me, Stuff is an anchor that makes it hard for you to move literally and figuratively.