OUCH!

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I cleaned the gutters of my parents house yesterday.

OMG!

Do you know what happens when you have Oak leaves that collect and sit in a gutter for years?

You get a new biome.

The leaves degrade into a slightly acidic loam; add water and you get a place for critters and new plants.

I saw snakes (babies), mud, new oak trees, some rooted thing that had roots running for about 25 feet in the gutter. I never did figure out what the hell that plant was, but It was a tough SOB!

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No pictures; I stripped myself of technology and then ended up covered in mud and various kinds of plant debris.

By the time I’d put in 6 hours at this, the ladder was starting to get really heavy. I was sore all over and even today I’m still hurting when I move.

Last night I was achy and sore all over, I’m hurting really bad today. Getting out of bed today I looked like I was 90.

But its one less thing my mom is going to have to worry about.

Next, cleaning and re-arranging furniture in their guest room and the den. 

On the plus side, I’m losing weight.

OK I’m a little pissed off.

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Been sitting on this one for a while may as well let ‘er rip!

I don’t get out much. I have few friends, & I generally am exactly where I’m supposed to be when I’m supposed to be there.

Recently, a couple of incidents have occurred where I wasn’t at the beck & call of my other half, and all hell broke loose!

The first was when I was helping out with stocking and organizing at a retail establishment owned by a friend. The second was a week or two ago.

The first incident, I was in a seriously crappy cell service area. You’d have thought I was an Alzheimer’s patient or a Megan alert had been issued.

I’m still hearing about it from acquaintances that got called REPEATEDLY because OOOHHHHHHH I was gone for 4 hours. 

The second incident…

I’m at the freakin neighbors! All my vehicles are at home. Obviously I’m on foot and probably hadn’t gone far. In the end the other half found me with ease!

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I had dinner & drinks and adult conversation with the neighbors.  

We were chatting, laughing, and having one of those rambling discussions that is a whole lot of fun. YES! We talked about sex… and POLITICS!

My other half called at freaking midnight. I didn’t hear the phone.

The Neighbors & I were listening to music and having an impassioned political discussion. There’s a knock at the door, My other half has stomped over to give me the stink eye and basically harsh EVERYONES buzz. 

I honestly don’t know what the fuck I did wrong. 

OOoOOppps I didn’t hear the phone ring OMG! It’s a crime!

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Unlike the other half, and many other rude people I know, I don’t typically answer the phone to talk to a person on the phone, when I’m having a conversation with another person in real life.

I’d decided that I was going to be calm and just have a conversation about what was driving this; to y mind insane behavior.

When we had that conversation the other half fell on their own sword. It wasn’t like I could beat the subject any further but I do wonder whats driving this bit of crazy.

As I said, i don’t go anywhere, I have few friends. The friends I do have are busy with their own lives and social events so it’s not like I’m cheating or anything.

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And even if I was, who cares? For the 25 years we’ve been together, there has never been any prohibition against having a little fun outside the relationship as long as the rules were obeyed.

From day one I’ve been very honest about the fact that I absolutely refuse to be contained, chained, or controlled.

The bullshit line “I was worried” ain’t holding water. 

I’m a fucking adult male.

I’m an apex predator, and you know what? When I was driving 92 fucking miles one way to work I never got this “I was worried bullshit”. Nope never!

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Apparently, sitting in traffic 6 hours a day is ok. You know where I could have been in an accident, or shot, after all I was driving through Compton, none of that raised a fucking eyebrow.

But now if I’m not sitting in this fucking house 24/7 it’s cause for panic and honestly what I think of as the height of rude behavior.

This shit has got to stop.

I can’t even imagine what things are going to be like if I’m traveling for work or a book signing or whatever.

I have no doubt it will be interesting. 

The question is, will it be so interesting that I decide I’ve had quite enough?

Time will tell.

Rites of passage

This one has been banging around in the draft folder for a while. Figured I’d publish it. Feel free to add comments. I’ll move the good ones into the body of the post. This list is not complete. I’ve been adding to it when I think about it.

These are things that we experience but often forget to share. As men, we should share this stuff, if only anonymously. The younger men ought to know what to expect. And hopefully we’ll get a laugh out of their horrified looks. Hey it’s what we do to each other!

In my life, the rites of passage I’ve experienced or witnessed have been, in no particular order;

Camping out by myself. Wow, look at those stars, My camp site is cool but I should have done X, Y, & Z differently. I’ll do those things differently next time.

Penthouse, Hustler and Chic, Magazines, So that’s what THEY have down there! And apparently MY junk recognized it… Even if I didn’t.

Firing you first gun.

Hitting your target with a bow.

Killing and eating your first meal.

1st wet dream, Oh my god!!! I wet the bed… no wait… what the hell is this??? I’ll ignore it maybe it will go away and not happen again.

Taking a brutal kick to the groin, there’s nothing like it. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

The First Climax… AKA “Jacking off”,  Oh wow, rubbing that feels REALLY good! Oh nooo something is wrong! I hurt myself… I’m never doing that again… well maybe just this time, and 10 minutes later and 10 minutes after that. Then finding out other boys also found this neat thing their body would do. Then enjoying our smugness while we could exclude the boys who knew nothing of what we were talking about.

A couple of fights, Yeah, I’ve been punched in the face, bloodied up pretty good. I’ve been on the loosing and winning side of a fight. You learn a lot from both experiences. When you have your ass kicked, you decide that you want to know how to not let that happen again. You also learn to be a somewhat gracious winner. At least in school, in my case being decent about having won the fight and helping my defeated opponent to his feet is all that prevented us from being suspended. We got off with a stern talking to.

Finally understanding mercy and why it’s important in this world.

Being part of the winning team, and the pizza party afterwards

Being part of the losing team, and the pizza afterwards.

Your first body hair, Whats that? OUCH! it’s attached. Oh… cool!

Your First Shave, topped by your Dad giving you your first non-disposable razor.

Seeing a hardcore adult toy catalog, Oh so that’s what it looks like when people screw. Damn! that guys dick is huge. Why does she look like it hurts? Does it hurt to have sex? If it does why do people do it?

Learning to be judgmental 

That feeling of RAGE when you realize someone stole your shit!

Your First serious Girlfriend, She’s holding my hand! She’s letting me kiss her, she’s kissing me back uhhh oh I hope she doesn’t notice the tent in my pants. Shit! she noticed, hey shes smiling at it… She touched me through my jeans…. Wow! she’s putting my hand between her legs! I’m liking the way she’s moaning when I touch her… I’m liking even more how shes rubbing my dick… I just shot my juice with a girl!

Figuring out how to get condoms

First broken bone This is real bitch! why can’t I just walk like a normal person? Yeah, give me the walking cast, there was a question about needing this?

Understanding betrayal firsthand

The first broken nose Do you fix it yourself or run to the doctor? Fix it yourself of course!

Losing my virginity to a lovely lady in a seriously clumsy sexual escapade (I still grin about that one)

The first BJ, Oh YEAH, HELL YEAH!

A Driver’s license I’m never going to be home after today! Wait… I have to pay for gas AND insurance?

The frustration of being mobile, having condoms, and the house to yourself, and yet being unable to score.

Watching a porn movie in a theater...

Watching porn at home

Learning how to forgive

Knowing when to leave a party. Finding out later that you left just moments before the cops busted the place.

That first paycheck Wait! what the hell is FICA? Who is SSI? Why did they get my money before I did?

My First Apartment  The first night sleeping on the floor (I had no furniture) But it was MY PLACE all mine. The next day… I bug bombed the hell out of the place. While the bug bombs were driving the nasties into everyone elses places, I was out buying dishes, silverware, a frypan, a couple of pots, a Mr. Coffee,  and a cheap microwave. My waterbed was filled by nightfall and I slept like a baby that second night.

Purchasing my first Brand New Car  The little head was doing all the talking that night… I CHARGED the down payment yep… on my Mastercard… But I drove the hell out of that car and enjoyed every minute of it.

Losing family to death and having to be strong for the rest of the family

Taking a date to a nice restaurant, only to realize too late that she was ‘Eliza’ from My Fair Lady and I could have had more fun with another young lady, or that I could have gotten what I wanted by taking her to a Mc Donalds.

Being laid off from your job the first time.

My first hangover

Learning to take time in the sack and how to have a lazy, unhurried, guiltless, sexy screw on an beautiful Sunday morning.

My first auto accident. OH DAMN! that’s going to be expensive to fix!

Learning you’re good in a crisis, and learning that it’s OK to freak out a bit and have the shakes after the crisis is over.

The walk of shame the morning after a night of debauchery (That one still gets a grin too)

Learning to control your own fear, and learning that by your controlling your fear others around you are also less afraid.

Understanding you can change if you want to

Calling the Dr and having to answer the question… “What’s the reason you’re making this appointment?”, My answer was “I’m very irritated Down there!” Which is when I found out my dick doesn’t like Nonoxynol 9, but at the time I was just sure I had VD.

Turning down sex for the first time… What the hell just happened? I never turn down getting laid

The first prostate exam, DOC, you are going to do WHAT???

How to lose it all and survive, It’s all just stuff… Stuff does not make me who I am.

Learning how NOT to be judgmental 

Losing friends to death and learning how to grieve.

First Gray hairs… on my balls! Oh Hell no, that just ain’t right!

Learning that happiness or sadness isn’t about what’s outside, it’s about what’s in you.