Letter to a wayward child

I don’t understand.

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I treated you as an adult, I stayed out of your affairs, I offered advice sometimes unasked but only because I thought you could use a different point of view. Was I not fair? Didn’t I welcome you into my home? Didn’t I treat you well?

You used my vehicle, you were an equal.

You repaid our kindness by breaking the few rules we have in the house. You were always late with your part of the rent… and I said nothing.

I even asked if you had enough cash to be able to cover your part, if you’d ever said no… It wouldn’t have been a problem. I’d have handed the rent check back. I was more interested in making sure that you had what you needed.

I made myself available to you… all you ever had to do was call and I’d have been there. If you were too tired to drive, I’d have come to get you.

In the end you weren’t even bothering to text anyone to say you were ok. Another rule broken… It’s not like you couldn’t, you & your girlfriend were texting each other 50 times an hour.

You were never where you said you’d be, certainly not when you said you’d be there.

I teased you about it but wasn’t upset by it, you’re young and sometimes being young means that you forget things. You’re easily distracted by the next new thing or experience.

Then I realized you were lying…

The realization began when, one day you asked me what my mailing address was . I innocently gave it to you. Later when I asked what you needed the address for, you told me you were updating your address book. I took you at your word.

A few days later, you asked me if I’d checked my mail… I said yes, thinking you were offering to make the post office run.

A week or so later, when a certain piece of mail showed up. Everything was clear… You’d used me. You’d been sneaky, and you’d facilitated someone else’s sneakiness.

In the bargain, you’d placed me in the middle of whatever was going on and you’d done it without any consideration for the position you’d put me in.

I waited for you to ask about it, I wanted a few minutes to talk with you about it. Instead, you were like trying to capture lightening, I couldn’t get enough of your time to even find out what you were doing much less have a conversation. Then there’s the question… Did you really think I wasn’t going to notice what you’d done or question it? Really?

From then on… I watched you more closely.

I listened very carefully to what little bits of information you let slip as you breezed through on your way to your next destination.

More and more often your stories didn’t match up. What you said about where you were and with who changed with each telling.

How many times when you said you were camping were you really camping? How about those times when you said you were staying at your Dads place?

Given the nearly 10,000 miles (As a conservative estimate) you put on the truck… I’m inclined to believe you were doing a lot more than just driving around the local area.

I came to the conclusion that I simply couldn’t trust you. I was going to ask for the keys to my truck. I wish now that I’d installed a tracking device on my truck because I suspect it would be very interesting to find out just where you’d been.

Then you announced you were moving out immediately.

Again breaking the rules…

The rental agreement said you were supposed to give 30 days notice. When you get into the real world and aren’t living with your girlfriends parents I expect you’re going to learn a lot of nasty lessons very quickly.

Honestly though, it was a relief. I am glad to have nothing but the tail end of the drama to deal with. I’m glad to have my house back.

Don’t get me wrong, you could have stayed here till the cows came home, I wouldn’t have asked you to leave. I’d made a commitment to you and I was going to honor it. I’d have simply made sure that everything was secure when we weren’t around.

I would have continued patiently trying to show you that being an honest, honorable man, and doing the right thing is important and valuable.

These are the same things your father taught you, but for some reason you don’t seem to have learned the lessons.

I thought you were just lying to me.

As you were moving out I found out that you’d brought the potential for trouble right to my door. I believe that you were going to leave without even warning me.

I finally connected all the dots, when I spoke with your Dad this week.

After you moved out, I discovered that you’d been lying to your Father, Me, and I can’t even imagine how many other people.

Your Dad was pissed off at me, because he thought you were asking me for advice and I wasn’t letting him know you were making bad decisions. You knew this, yet you never said a word.

UP to this point I was annoyed, and hurt. Because I thought it was just me you were lying to.

After hearing your Dad, I was flat out pissed off!

All the times I asked you if you’d talked with your dad, and you said “Yes”, you were lying.

Those times when I gave you my opinion of a situation and suggested that you also get your Dads opinion, you just blew me off.

You never once spoke with your Dad. When I asked, following up about your dads opinion, you lied to me again.

You have no place here.

Your keys won’t work, you can’t even access the WiFi anymore. I can’t trust anything about you. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust you again.

In time, I may be able to forgive you. But I’ll never be able to forget it.

I hope that your Dad and I can put our friendship back together, I honestly don’t know at this point. What I do know is that it’s going to take a LOT of work, Thanks for that by the way…

You need to consider the collateral damage you cause. I touched on this briefly several weeks ago when I told you you were jamming us up not by what you did… but by not doing what you said you were going to do.

Knowing what I know now… I would and perhaps should have let you leave your Dads house for some of the less savory options you were planning.

God knows it would have been a lot easier, and my home wouldn’t have been disrupted by the constant drama.

I was trying to be a decent person… You used that against me.

I was acting to protect you and your Dad, I didn’t what to see him brokenhearted if you followed in the footsteps of your siblings.

I hoped and prayed that you were different and for a time I believed you were. I actually believed that given some time you’d move back in with your Father and everything would work out, especially when it became obvious that you had no intention of trying the military again.

I can’t believe that I was so very wrong in so many ways about you.

You really should consider a career in acting. You’re good at it. Then again, so are sociopaths.

Now A lot of people are broken hearted and I know none of us will ever know the whole truth about anything about you.

Who are you really?

Do I want to know?

Probably not…

I was planning to send a blog earlier today

OOOPPPPS!

I was thinking about the blogs,  then I was kind of random, then I started to write something and instead upgraded to a new dive log program. Such has been my day.

I’m waiting for the swelling of my toe to go down. 

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Yesterday I smacked my big toe on the stairs and thought I’d just ripped the nail off. This morning the blood was a lot easier to clean up and of course my eyes weren’t watering either.

The damage isn’t nearly as bad as it looked last night.

But there’s pain/stiffness in the joint and a little swelling. So I’m taking it easy today.

I don’t think I broke anything but I damn sure smacked the hell out of it. 

It’s a wonder I didn’t fall the whole way back down the stairway. I think I damaged my wrist too as I caught myself. My right hand and wrist are puffy… Uh oh! I guess I’m going to be cheating and using my left hand tonight! 

The foot doesn’t hurt too much unless I move too fast or twist when I’m walking. Right now it’s just a dull ache as long as I don’t walk around too much.

I will say this… if anyone ever tries to do a murder investigation around this house they’re going to find my blood all over the place… Lately it seems I can’t do anything around here without drawing blood.

I guess I won’t be dancing over the next couple of days.

Maybe I’ll just put the drill and hammer down until there’s someone around who can call 911 if I do something really stupid!

Nahhh I gotta get some stuff finished before the weekend. 

 

Armstrong to be stripped of Titles?

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Lance Armstrong to be stripped of  titles retroactively?

Is it me? or is this complete and utter Bullshit?

Even if he was doping back in the day you couldn’t catch him. So he WON… The race and he beat your tests. So make better tests.

If you make better tests and you still didn’t catch him. Guess what? He WON again on both counts.

And with the exception of a couple of possibly false positives Mr. Armstrong consistently won the Tour de France, doing so even after a battle with cancer.

Mr Armstrong has always denied using performance enhancing drugs. I honestly don’t think he was getting away with anything. I think he’s just that good and trains that hard.

Sadly Mr. Armstrongs name has become synonymous with performance enhancing drugs or doping. 

I, as the average “Joe” on the street am sick of hearing about it.

Honestly, it’s always sounded like the French were being whiney assed bitches who somehow thought that the Tour de France was supposed to be won by a Frenchman, and when it wasn’t they cried foul.

I guess it really hurts their national pride such as it is, that they kept getting their asses kicked by an American!

What does this tell any other competitors?

Be good but throw the occasional event so that you’re not TOO GOOD.” Mediocrity is preferred… After all you don’t  hurt someones feelings now do you?

I’m glad Mr Armstrong chose to say FUCK IT! After all it was obvious that he wasn’t going to be left alone no matter what. In a no win scenario you might as well not play. This is especially true when you have a decades long Witch Hunt leveled against you.

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Then you look at Michael Phelps… there was controversy about whether the IOC was going to pull his medals because he did a photo shoot that was going to be part of his endorsement contracts after his retirement.

Apparently the photos were taken before he retired but they weren’t published until after he retired. 

There’s no break of the rules here. 

But since Phelps was too good someone went looking for something to spank him with.

This is one of the concerns I personally have.

People have always sought to tear down those that they perceived as privileged, wealthy, good looking, stars, or top athletes. This is nothing new.

But now, there are so many ways to tear someone apart. If it’s not naughty pictures, (See Prince Harry) it’s via the rule of law, or simply questioning ones sexual habits. Hell even ones beliefs or religious affiliations can be enough to trail blood in the water.

Once the trickle of metaphorical blood appears in the news (or tabloids, they’re interchangeable these days) the rest of the world attacks like ravenous sharks in a feeding frenzy.

I have to ask why?

These people are human, just like the rest of us. They’ll make poor choices and mistakes just like all the rest of us. Why then are we so quick to rip them apart and not give them the benefit of the doubt?

When did we become so unforgiving and judgmental?

Lance… Great Job! Thanks for representing the US so well

Michael… Fanfuckingtastic! You deserve every single bit of success and I hope your retirement is everything you planned for.

Harry… Dude… I hope you can get back to Vegas or Monaco soon, get naked, party hardy and live your life. Next time… just make sure there are no cell phones or cameras. Have your security confiscate them at the door. (BTW Nice Bum!)

Ahh Birthdays…

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Today is mine.

I have received some hilarious birthday cards & emails. Got a package from home with some regional delicacies.

Was in Palm Springs yesterday, saw some friends & had a nice meal. Other than that today is pretty much normal. In all, life is alright.

My custom for celebrating my birthday as an adult has to more often than not be alone and somewhat contemplative. I look at the previous year and recall what I liked, what I didn’t, and try to learn from the experiences.

When I was  younger I’d get maudlin about the whole affair because I’d be comparing my whole life against some crazy ideal. Fuck that! 

The ideals that I was raised with aren’t really achievable in this world anymore. How many of us are fortunate enough to be able to work to the same company let alone in the same career for all of our working lives?

I’d be really depressed if I was still making that “this is my life” comparison. 

Change with the times Man! My career is a mess, I see three choices in that regard. Change careers, retire early (way too early), or follow the jobs that are in my field out of state.

Option 2 is right out… Leaving Option 1 or Option 3. Which option is best for me? Dude, I have no fucking clue.

What I do know is that dwelling on it and beating my head against the wall isn’t cutting it for me. So I’m not doing it.

What’s been good in this past year? The trip out to Colorado.( I really do like road trips.) I’ve achieved some of the goals around the house. Haven’t spent too much money but probably will in the next couple of months. (Hey we’re talking Birthday to Birthday here not tax years…) I’ve tried things that I hadn’t ever tried before. Some successful and others complete failures, yet even the failures were worth the time I spent.

The bad… stuff like wasting my time trying to meet people via social media sites. I have learned that people prefer to maintain the anonymity of the internet and more power to them. I’m going to physically hang out in places where there are people that are into things that I’m interested in. Then hopefully, I can make some new friends.

It takes zero effort to “like” someone on Facebook and you can easily be guilted into that. It takes effort and work to actually be a friend. I’m far more interested in having friends and being a friend.

I’ve been disappointed in a couple of things. I’d wanted to finish my first book by now, but I haven’t. There is nothing and no-one to blame except myself. So I will be redoubling my efforts on that front. Even if the book never sells a large number of copies… at least I’ll have accomplished the goal. Who knows, perhaps the book will catapult me into a viable Option 1.

I’m another year older. My body reminds me that I’m not as young as I used to be but thankfully It’s mostly gentle reminders. I do wish I didn’t have quite as many aches as I do.

I can easily remember jumping out of bed feeling great. Well… Jumping out of bed today would probably end with me in a heap on the floor and the dogs wondering, “what the hell has he done NOW?”

Aging does have some perks.

The best of these is I just don’t give a damn as much as I did.

You don’t like me? My politics? My Sex life?

So what, Get lost and I won’t shed a single tear.

I used to live for people liking me. Now it’s nice if they do but not world ending if they don’t.

There have been a couple of people who’ve left comments on this blog that frankly were unbelievable. I welcome comments but there is a line. To those folks I’ve said “Thank you for your opinion, I’m not likely to change and you’re probably better off reading another blog.”

That’s a freedom that I didn’t have when I was younger and I’m learning to enjoy it.

To all the rest of the people that share this Birthday.

Happy Birthday!

Remember, we were probably conceived during our Fathers getting one of their Christmas presents. 

If my Dad was still around, I’d probably send him a condom and a card that said “If Only“… He’d laugh his ass off.

Here’s to Fathers everywhere and their Christmas presents.

I hope everyone has as good a day as I’m having.

$60 well spent

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Went to Guitar Center today, and spent some time with Beauty and a professional instrument technician.

I learned how to change strings, how to do minor maintenance and do intonation. Plus I learned how to do a bunch of easy little things that will make the guitar sound better, and last longer.

When I got home, I practiced for about 2 hours during a thunderstorm and am excited.

I’ve been trying to learn to sight read standard musical notation and the TAB standard. The miracle is that I’m getting it. 

For someone that has believed for a large portion of their life that they were musically inept and incapable of learning to play an instrument, this experience is really good for me as it’s allowing me to have a sense of accomplishment.

Right now this is really important since the job search isn’t getting much in the way of results.

Learning something new, that is also artistic seems to recharge me so that the next set of indignities I have to deal with in the job search don’t seem so bad.

If you’r e looking for a new job and not having much luck, I highly recommend learning something new, or that you dig out an old hobby and use it as a means to relax.

Have fun, play with the dog, or the kids. But make sure that you set aside some time for something that you love to do alone.

It might help you see a new way to pursue the jobs you’re seeking or just see a new path.

I’m sure as heck not going to become a rocker. My next career isn’t going t be on stage but I can learn to make music and enjoy myself.

Isn’t being happy what it’s all about?