Category: Adult

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Rites of passage

This one has been banging around in the draft folder for a while. Figured I’d publish it. Feel free to add comments. I’ll move the good ones into the body of the post. This list is not complete. I’ve been adding to it when I think about it.

These are things that we experience but often forget to share. As men, we should share this stuff, if only anonymously. The younger men ought to know what to expect. And hopefully we’ll get a laugh out of their horrified looks. Hey it’s what we do to each other!

In my life, the rites of passage I’ve experienced or witnessed have been, in no particular order;

Camping out by myself. Wow, look at those stars, My camp site is cool but I should have done X, Y, & Z differently. I’ll do those things differently next time.

Penthouse, Hustler and Chic, Magazines, So that’s what THEY have down there! And apparently MY junk recognized it… Even if I didn’t.

Firing you first gun.

Hitting your target with a bow.

Killing and eating your first meal.

1st wet dream, Oh my god!!! I wet the bed… no wait… what the hell is this??? I’ll ignore it maybe it will go away and not happen again.

Taking a brutal kick to the groin, there’s nothing like it. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

The First Climax… AKA “Jacking off”,  Oh wow, rubbing that feels REALLY good! Oh nooo something is wrong! I hurt myself… I’m never doing that again… well maybe just this time, and 10 minutes later and 10 minutes after that. Then finding out other boys also found this neat thing their body would do. Then enjoying our smugness while we could exclude the boys who knew nothing of what we were talking about.

A couple of fights, Yeah, I’ve been punched in the face, bloodied up pretty good. I’ve been on the loosing and winning side of a fight. You learn a lot from both experiences. When you have your ass kicked, you decide that you want to know how to not let that happen again. You also learn to be a somewhat gracious winner. At least in school, in my case being decent about having won the fight and helping my defeated opponent to his feet is all that prevented us from being suspended. We got off with a stern talking to.

Finally understanding mercy and why it’s important in this world.

Being part of the winning team, and the pizza party afterwards

Being part of the losing team, and the pizza afterwards.

Your first body hair, Whats that? OUCH! it’s attached. Oh… cool!

Your First Shave, topped by your Dad giving you your first non-disposable razor.

Seeing a hardcore adult toy catalog, Oh so that’s what it looks like when people screw. Damn! that guys dick is huge. Why does she look like it hurts? Does it hurt to have sex? If it does why do people do it?

Learning to be judgmental 

That feeling of RAGE when you realize someone stole your shit!

Your First serious Girlfriend, She’s holding my hand! She’s letting me kiss her, she’s kissing me back uhhh oh I hope she doesn’t notice the tent in my pants. Shit! she noticed, hey shes smiling at it… She touched me through my jeans…. Wow! she’s putting my hand between her legs! I’m liking the way she’s moaning when I touch her… I’m liking even more how shes rubbing my dick… I just shot my juice with a girl!

Figuring out how to get condoms

First broken bone This is real bitch! why can’t I just walk like a normal person? Yeah, give me the walking cast, there was a question about needing this?

Understanding betrayal firsthand

The first broken nose Do you fix it yourself or run to the doctor? Fix it yourself of course!

Losing my virginity to a lovely lady in a seriously clumsy sexual escapade (I still grin about that one)

The first BJ, Oh YEAH, HELL YEAH!

A Driver’s license I’m never going to be home after today! Wait… I have to pay for gas AND insurance?

The frustration of being mobile, having condoms, and the house to yourself, and yet being unable to score.

Watching a porn movie in a theater...

Watching porn at home

Learning how to forgive

Knowing when to leave a party. Finding out later that you left just moments before the cops busted the place.

That first paycheck Wait! what the hell is FICA? Who is SSI? Why did they get my money before I did?

My First Apartment  The first night sleeping on the floor (I had no furniture) But it was MY PLACE all mine. The next day… I bug bombed the hell out of the place. While the bug bombs were driving the nasties into everyone elses places, I was out buying dishes, silverware, a frypan, a couple of pots, a Mr. Coffee,  and a cheap microwave. My waterbed was filled by nightfall and I slept like a baby that second night.

Purchasing my first Brand New Car  The little head was doing all the talking that night… I CHARGED the down payment yep… on my Mastercard… But I drove the hell out of that car and enjoyed every minute of it.

Losing family to death and having to be strong for the rest of the family

Taking a date to a nice restaurant, only to realize too late that she was ‘Eliza’ from My Fair Lady and I could have had more fun with another young lady, or that I could have gotten what I wanted by taking her to a Mc Donalds.

Being laid off from your job the first time.

My first hangover

Learning to take time in the sack and how to have a lazy, unhurried, guiltless, sexy screw on an beautiful Sunday morning.

My first auto accident. OH DAMN! that’s going to be expensive to fix!

Learning you’re good in a crisis, and learning that it’s OK to freak out a bit and have the shakes after the crisis is over.

The walk of shame the morning after a night of debauchery (That one still gets a grin too)

Learning to control your own fear, and learning that by your controlling your fear others around you are also less afraid.

Understanding you can change if you want to

Calling the Dr and having to answer the question… “What’s the reason you’re making this appointment?”, My answer was “I’m very irritated Down there!” Which is when I found out my dick doesn’t like Nonoxynol 9, but at the time I was just sure I had VD.

Turning down sex for the first time… What the hell just happened? I never turn down getting laid

The first prostate exam, DOC, you are going to do WHAT???

How to lose it all and survive, It’s all just stuff… Stuff does not make me who I am.

Learning how NOT to be judgmental 

Losing friends to death and learning how to grieve.

First Gray hairs… on my balls! Oh Hell no, that just ain’t right!

Learning that happiness or sadness isn’t about what’s outside, it’s about what’s in you.

 

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Oh for Pete’s sake! I’m so over these Silly Assed Boycotts!

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I was scanning twitter this morning and ran across this;

@jeromeehudson So, you’re at Chick-fil-a (AGAIN), eh @BruceCarrollSC?? You’re a self-loathing piece of work

I thought “Oh God!” aren’t we past these things yet?

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Mr. Hudson is going on about the Chic-fil-a ruckus, that started when some executive from Chic-Fil-A said he didn’t agree with gay marriage or didn’t like gay people or some such.

As you can tell I was offended so much by the comments of the Chic-fil-a person I totally remember exactly what it was all about. Yeah right! I so didn’t give a shit

Mainly because I don’t care what one person says or that (he or she) is an executive of a company or that they’re making 1000 times more money than me.

This is one of the things that I find so damn offensive about the mainstream GLBT community. My sexuality has never defined my politics, why does the GLBT community allow it to define theirs?

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The GLBT community and others, tend to boycott at the drop of a hat over no damn good reason. In some boycotts the GLBT folks will even devour their own. Such as the gay bar owner who was… Horror of horrors Republican!.

Now we’ve got the Barilla boycott. Really? Lets see a name like Guido Barilla, anybody care to guess what his religion probably is? Can you say most likely traditionally Catholic? Are you really surprised that he’d be opposed to showing gay families? More-over, why isn’t he allowed to speak his mind without haveing to live in fear that some half baked group will get their panties in a twist.

Aren’t there far more important things to worry about?

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Anybody remember the Coors boycott of the ’80s? It was in all the papers, well at least the gay papers. Coors was being mean and oppressive I vaguely recall it was something to do with firing gay workers or some such. So the gay community made the grandiose gesture of not buying Coors beer or serving it in gay bars.

This went on for years… As did Coors Brewing. I doubt seriously that Coors noticed much of a dip in their bottom line.

I honestly don’t know if you can get a Coors beer in a gay bar now. I’m afraid to ask for fear that the patrons of the bar would go feral, turn on me and rip my carcass to bloody shreds.

Just for asking the question…

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Oh hey, look at that. Coors is marketing specifically to gay people. Well it only took 25 years for the gay community to forget about the boycott.

How about the Great Hotel boycott of the early 2000s in San Diego? OMG someone at the hotel said some bad things about the GLBT community. They must be boycotted forever to make them understand that we are important and powerful and …

OUR OPINION MATTERS MORE THAN THEIRS DOES!

In short, Convert or die!

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Not a particularly healthy attitude and I’m apparently not alone in beginning to feel that the GLBT community is being perceived as Nazi-esq.

I stumbled across this little jewel of a graphic to the right, on the internet. It came up within the first page of images. 

All I can say is DAMN! I’ll bet the Stonewall democrats and Log Cabin Republicans never saw this coming.

Then the executive at Chic-Fil-A said he didn’t agree with gay marriage AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHH! The GLBT community whips itself into a froth AGAIN. With boycotts and protests and all manner of idiocy.

The Chic-Fil-A executive expressed HIS opinion! He’s entitled to speak his mind.

That folks is a right protected by the first amendment of the constitution.

You know the same right that allows the GLBT community to express their opinion with protests, signs, and boycotts?

Why the hell is it wrong for a single person to say what he thinks, and yet OK for the GLBT community to disrupt (or attempt to disrupt) his business?

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More recently there was the great Vodka pouring in LA and New York because of the Russian governments oppression of gay people.

As the Russians were probably saying “Big Deal, So What?”

Much of the Vodka you morons were pouring out isn’t even made in Russia. So if you really want to make an impact don’t go to the Olympics in Russia. Don’t watch it on television but that’s about all you can do. The GLBT community is largely impotent in the affairs of the Russian government.

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Why isn’t the GLBT community boycotting OIL, after all Iran and Iraq have some of the most hideous laws against GLBT people. Oh right, our cars… well we need them don’t we?

The single most offensive hypocrisy I have every heard of is this;

Apparently a Gay bar in San Diego was the object of an intended Boycott by GAY people because the Owner of the bar happened to be Republican and expressed his dismay at President Obama’s re-election. I’m putting this perhaps more delicately than reality. The Bar Owner was flat out pissed off about it, and said so in public in the bar.

That probably wasn’t the wisest move but HE OWNS the place and therefore should be able to express himself even in a fit of anger.

What followed was insanity.

This bar owner is known for his generosity and contributions to the community. But because he’s a Republican, and not in lockstep with the predominately Democratic members of the GLBT community he was suddenly targeted for destruction.

After all if you don’t believe every word that falls from the lips of the approved GLBT roster of celebrities and politicians is pure gold you must be defective. Even if you’re asking legitimate questions for legitimate reasons.

I’ve always pictured the end of “Invasion of the body snatchers” when I think about this subject.

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It’s time for the GLBT community to grow the hell up, & start acting their age.

We’re not going to be liked by everyone, any more than black or hispanic people are. Get over it!

We can’t force people to like us with litigation (See Affirmative Action) or protests (See A Day without Mexicans) or sweet words (See President Obama).

There will always be a percentage of the population that doesn’t like either a particular minority group or several. SO WHAT? SHIT HAPPENS!

Move on with your life like an adult.

I’m an American. I’ll eat what I damn well please, drink what I damn well please, and no-one is going to stop me. I’ll smoke if I want to, I’ll fuck who I want, when I want to, and whatever gender I choose.

No, I don’t suffer from self loathing. I suffer from pride in myself and my ability to make up my OWN mind. I reject group think. I participate in those things that I’ve decided are worth my time. Silly assed boycotts simply don’t make the cut. Hearing about silly assed boycotts just pisses me off.

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If you don’t like it… shut the hell up.

Go engage in that ancient & time honored tradition the world over…

Gossip about it behind my back!

But don’t you DARE tell me to boycott someone or infringe on THEIR right to have their beliefs, opinions, or freedom of speech. 

I realize I’m asking for a lot. After all you’d have to actually read several news papers then compare and contrast the various arguments pro and con about a particular subject.

Who has time? After all you’ve got to get your hair cut, text all your friends, and be at the next party, with a whole new wardrobe.

It’s easier to be told what to think by a 30 second news report that will define how you vote, which maybe you’ll do… If there’s time on the way to the party.

Equality doesn’t mean domination. It means we live peacefully, as neighbors and don’t bother each other with our stereos.

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Now that my brain has rebooted…

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Nothing like having the pipes cleaned out to make you feel better and spark the creative flow… so to speak.

I always thought Deadly Sperm Buildup was a myth. Apparently it’s a real condition! 

I’d been so tied up with other things / chaos in my life I’d forgotten the most basic of my needs. 

The need to get my rocks off.

Talk about something that harshes your buzz!

So how do you know that you’re experiencing DSB?

The symptoms are as follow:

1 You’re not terribly creative.

2 You’re really pretty cranky

3 Sex starts to not seem all that important

4 Your thought processes and hence your blog posts are completely randomized! (Much more so than normal)

The cure is to grab your dick and tug, a more effective cure is to have someone else grab your dick and … well you get the picture.

Tugging on your own dick, is something I heartily recommend on a regular basis just to remind you that you’re alive.

It’s way too easy to be distracted these days.

Be good to yourself and make time to play.

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Oh for the love of …

Really? The article linked below really pisses me off. Less than 24 hours after California began allowing Same Sex Marriage again, some fuckers in another STATE are filing to halt  them.

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This is all these people have to do with their time and money?

How about feeding the poor that they go on about all the time. How about providing alternatives to abortion by giving young unwed mothers a place to stay, and paying for the delivery of their babies in a hospital.

But NO, these people choose instead to spend millions of dollars to fight a battle that more and more normal people have no interest in fighting.

Gay people do the following just like everyone else;

Pay Taxes

Work their asses off

Buy homes

Raise children (Through adoption, or quite often children from previous marriages)

Contribute to the economy

Serve in the military

Become police

Fall in love

Are protected by the Constitution

Deserve equal rights

Deserve equal taxation

Deserve equal protection under the law

Shouldn’t be forced to live as third or fourth class citizens

Deserve the right to inheritance.

Are entitled to their deceased spouses social security and insurance

Are entitled to their joint savings and deceased spouses retirement accounts.

These things and something like 1000 other rights & privileges are conferred instantly by a Certificate of Marriage.

These are things that straight people take for granted. Don’t even get me started on what marriage… The holy union… that blessed by God, or gods, event really was. (Spoiler… POLITICS! Dynasties! Power! Control! Dare I say it Sexual Slavery! )

Gay people using the system of “the Same but different” AKA civil unions still have to spend 10s of thousands of dollars to secure the same rights.

Even then, THE STATE or Nasty Family members can still walk in and simply take a lifetime of work and planning away.

That can’t happen with a marriage.

Here’s a shocker.

All the conservatives out there who are screaming about same sex marriage should consider this.

While conservatives talk about the Government being too involved in the lives of average people, those same conservatives will tie up in court, (You know the Government) a simple proposition of equality.

Think about this;

Gay people in this country have fewer rights than islamic terrorists or  Illegal aliens when it comes to marriage, inheritance, and building lives together.

Most gay people are citizens. They’re sons, daughters, nieces and nephews, neighbor kids that mowed your lawn. They’re Eagle Scouts, and Girl Scouts, Doctors, Nurses, Surgeons, and friends. Gay people are woven throughout the fabric of our society and yet somehow they’re always Less than…

Where are the rights of Gay people?

Given, taken away, Given, taken away.

How would the Über conservatives like having their freedom of speech or religion taken away, then given back, then taken away then given back?

African Americans are not innocent in this either. Gay people stood for equal rights in Selma, and Memphis. They marched with Dr King, they believed that equality should be equality for all.

Yet here in California, African American voters swayed by religious fervor from the pulpit managed to narrowly pass proposition 8. It’s been suggested, that had the black voters not showed up at the polls in record numbers, proposition 8 would have failed.

How can it be that equal rights really means equal rights for only some?

Does anyone remember anti-miscegenation laws?

Yeah, there was another time in our history when two people who loved each other couldn’t marry. 

The funny thing is that many of the arguments used to justify that contemptible law are in use today to justify laws against same sex marriage.

Gay people can’t be expected to behave in any way except than with an “agenda”.

They are being persecuted and deprived of their right to equal protection under the law, Of course they’ll behave like a civil rights group. Of course they’ll continue to fight, to protest, to stridently demand fairness.

Before you seek to deny equal rights to someone think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

Gay people aren’t out to destroy society, they’re only demanding full and equal participation.

Shouldn’t citizens of this country be afforded equal rights ahead of Illegal immigrants? (You know folks who broke the law crossing our sovereign borders without permission?)

Think about it. Then tell me again why gay people shouldn’t be pissed off.

Update 6/30/2013

As you can see I’m pretty passionate about some things. (Like you didn’t know that)

I generally identify more closely with conservative values than with liberal values. I suppose in this instance I’m squarely in the liberal camp. I don’t like being in the liberal camp, I feel dirty.

My overarching beliefs are in Liberty, Equality, and Justice. I was taught to ask the question, “Where do my rights end and another persons rights begin?”

I believe that individuals know what’s best for them in their lives, and that anyone who seeks to deny any individual any of their rights is to be viewed with great suspicion.

I truly have a problem with the conservatives who in my opinion are hypocrites. These are people who want my help in protecting the constitution and the bill of rights. Then, because of their personal hang-ups or philosophical disagreement  would arbitrarily “cherry pick” groups who enjoy those protections.

My philosophy is that you can’t pick & choose which rights will be accorded your fellow citizens. We all must be equal and we must all defend each others rights. 

(This belief does not preclude assigning a subset of basic rights to non-citizens who are legally visiting our country. However the subset of rights should be those that are internationally agreed to and accepted. You know, the same as visitors are treated in other foreign countries.)

So I was fired up that an out of state group would even think they had a dog in this fight.

They don’t.

I’d respect them if they’d take all that money they’re going to spend on beating the dead horse known as proposition 8 and instead fund improvements to orphanages, or mental health facilities.

I know they’re not going to do anything that reasonable or altruistic, but I’d love to be surprised.

Update 2 6/30/2013

HAHAHAHAHAHA 

The Gay Marriage opponents FAILED to obstruct gay marriages continuing in California. The article is linked. So you can read it for yourself.

It looks like Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy gave them a smack down by denying their petition without comment.

I guess now these fuckers will spend their money somewhere else to deny rights to someone.

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Good News Everybody!

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The Supreme Court of the United States today gutted DOMA and effectively said that Proposition 8 here in California was unconstitutional, by allowing the 9th circuit courts ruling to stand.

This is a good day.

At the same time we know that the well funded, fundamentalists will begin their campaigns to take away the rights and privileges that have been restored to the GLBT community.

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Today is a sad for me personally.

Today marks the Fifth anniversary of a friends death.

John would have been leading a band of happy folks over the SCOTUS ruling. I have this weird image of him playing his trumpet or his sax like the pied piper. Wait, he also played the flute yeah that’s what he’d be playing.

I found out that he played the flute one Summer afternoon when he was on leave from the Marines. He was sitting on my back patio in a pair of olive shorts just noodling with some classical piece of music. He looked up as I came in from work and morphed the classical piece into the riff from Jethro Tull’s Aqualung. Then he moved on to a medley from Songs from the Wood.

He did it so seamlessly that I never noticed the transition. He gave me a gift that day. He perked up my mood and put a smile on my face even though it had been a really BAD day at work.

I still smile when I hear music form those albums because I see John sitting on the patio relaxed and happy, playing his flute for an audience of one.

Five years on, and I still miss him. Every once in a while I’ll hear someone whose voice sounds like his. Now though I smile instead of feeling blue.

John wouldn’t want me to be sad, especially not with the news today. The image of him leading a group of smiling people his flute sparkling in the sunshine does put a smile on my face. There are times when I wonder if he somehow puts funny images in my head to cheer me up on his birthday and on this date.

Yeah, I get misty-eyed thinking about him, but I can’t stay blue. An endless line of memories and laughs we had flits through my head and I end up smiling & feeling happy in spite of myself.

So John, in honor of you…

I’m going to smile, be happy and drink a toast to the good news. Then I’ll toast to you, our friendship and loving each other like brothers.

Your light and joy aren’t forgotten and you have a place in my heart forever.