Category: Humor

Posted on

What’s a guy to do?

Home Theater

So, you pay a ton of cash for a surround system and you decide that you’d like to enjoy it.

Ya take the dogs out to potty, settle in with your beer and fire up a movie that you’d like to watch.

Then your other half comes in.

They’ve had a long day so you give them time to settle too.

All is quiet again.

Ya press play, (it should be noted that when you’re alone in the house you don’t need the TV sound up to more than 25.) Yet with the other half in the house, you find yourself creaping the volume up, 26, 27, 30, 35, 40, 45 and you’re still missing dialog.

Your other half is reaching into a bag of snacks, over and over and over again and the crinkling of the mylar bag is swamping all the midrange dialog from a beautiful seductive actress, and most of the dialog from the softer spoken men.

Then one dog starts panting, the other dog decides it is time to drink half a bowl of water and does it for the next 3 minutes

MartyMcFly Speakers

slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,crinkle,crinkle, crinkle, crinkle,crinkle,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp,slurp, slurp.

Maxell Man

Once you push the volume above 60 ya realize you’re fighting a losing battle and the first gunshot or explosion in this movie is going to cause something that looks like the Maxell commercials or Marty McFly hitting that chord on his guitar.

So in complete frustration, ya shut the shit down. Give up.

I actually went and had my hearing checked because of shit like this. Turns out my hearing is fucking fine in fact it’s better than most men my age. The problem is that I live in a noisy environment.

And the moment, the very fucking moment you kill the shit you were trying to relax with, silence reigns again. The dogs shut the hell up, the other half looks at you like you’re a fucking madman and then has the audacity to ask why’d you turn it off?

Zen

You’re still frustrated and you say exactly what’s on your mind “Because I couldn’t fucking hear a damn thing with all the noise. Did it ever occur to you to put that shit in a bowl?”

Yeah, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight. So the fuck what?

At least it will be quiet in the living room!

Posted on

Well this is a first

NewImage

For the first time in six years I agree with President Stompy Foot.

It’s either a miracle or the end of days.

The president has been quoted as saying that the world is a messy place and always has been. He’s right. Further, the president has said that our awareness and feeling that things are very bad is due in large part to social media.

Again, I agree. 

I’ve recently come to believe, (recently being a relative term) that our connectedness actually leads to an overall feeling of hopelessness and perhaps even depression.

I’ve written in the past about my reasons for closing my social media accounts and also choosing not to watch the news. I’ve been known to go for weeks at a time not even reading the newspaper or online news sources. Honestly, the saturation of our world with all the evil that people do could make you long for a fifty mile wide meteor, or a plague. 

NewImage

Sure, you’re likely to end up just as dead as everyone else but at least you’re likely to be able to witness a bunch of really evil people getting their comeuppance.

Really, would any of us shed too many tears if a meteor obliterated Washington D.C.? I didn’t think so.

I’ve written before that I wouldn’t mind seeing something similar happen to the evil fucks in the Middle East. I could easily picture myself lying on my deathbed seeing the talking heads reporting “The Horror”, and questioning why no-one was able to detect or stop the awful rock from space, then laughing myself to death.

A scenario as I’ve described is however, unlikely to happen.

So we continue to focus on our twitter feeds, and keep up with people we’ve never met on Facebook or LinkedIn, or Instagram, or any of the myriad of other distractions brought to us second by second on our computers, tablets and phones. Some of us are so distracted and focused on our phones that we’ll walk into fountains in shopping centers. Then we’ll try to sue the mall for our public humiliation claiming that there should have been a taller rail… To protect us from our OWN stupidity.

We’re too connected.

NewImage

Who hasn’t been on the phone, or at the doctor, or in a dentists chair, then had someone calling repeatedly? I recently had a professional do EXACTLY that. I was in a dentists chair and my phone began ringing every 30 seconds. It was the same person calling again and again refusing to accept that they’d have to leave a message.

Eventually the dentist put the tools down, and told me to answer my phone. I simply turned the damn thing off. I was so angry that had I spoken to the person trying so desperately to contact me… I would have been far less than professional.

 As the dentist smiled and resumed his work, you know, the work I was paying professional wages to have him do, all I could think was “I’m not going to deal with the person or his company in the future.”

NewImage

As I read about president stompy foot’s comments this morning, I couldn’t help but think that he’s damn lucky we’re so distracted, fractured, upset and confused by social media and the cacophony of noise in our lives.

If we weren’t, we’d have nothing better to do than pay very close attention to him and his cronies in Washington. 

I doubt any of the people in the government could stand that kind of scrutiny.

Posted on

This is CNN…

20140808 cnn 0

The most trusted name in news…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

These are the people who spoon feed the masses daily news which in turn low information voters use to make decisions about who to vote for.

I long for the day when the news moved slower, and the journalists were interested in FACTS, not spin.

With the internet at our fingers, it’s nothing to see an article on Brietbart, Fox, The BBC, Le Monde, or Deutsch Welle, and think, “That sounds fishy” then track the story to its source.

It’s not uncommon for there to be some spin in any article due to the journalist’s own beliefs. The question is, has the journalist allowed their bias to skew the story in such a way as to misrepresent the actual facts.

CNN, MSNBC and the main stream media have allowed their biases to completely overwhelm many of their stories and almost all of their reporting.

That’s bad enough, however it gets worse. Their editorial staff is more concerned about their dismal ratings than journalistic integrity, so you get un-vetted, questionable reporting at best, and worst (or in CNN’s case normal) they place Hong Kong where São Paulo Brazil is.

As a blogger, I don’t have high journalistic standards to uphold. I get the luxury of doing nothing but Op-Ed pieces, I do basic checking and try very hard not to froth at the mouth.

I try very hard not to say something entirely stupid even if I’m only a blogger expressing my opinion.

I always do my best not to drool stupidity on the keyboard.

CNN apparently needs a bib.

Posted on

It’s well known that I’m impatient with websites, and software

I was trying to figure out why websites in particular annoy me, and then it dawned on me.  I get annoyed because I always fall down the rabbit hole with websites. It seems it’s always more likely for me to have difficulties than anyone else I know.

This is in fact the curse of having been a software QA person. Apparently, its something that is completely genetic and regardless of your current occupation you always have software faults  jump out at you.  Its sort of a “BOO! You can’t report me, neener neener.” from the software that you’re trying to use and not intending to test. Or you could call this taunting more like a red cape being waved in front of a bull. Most often I’ll see the most egregious errors when I’ve lost a password to a web site. 

I Navigate to a web site, then discover I’ve forgotten the password. I initiate lost password recovery procedure which asks for email address I used when the account was created.

I enter the email that the website is using to SPAM my ass.

<We don’t that email address on file, try again.>

At this point I’m usually dumbfounded and go back to my email, find their SPAM, verify the address they’re using and copy that address right out of the email they’ve sent me. 

<We don’t that email address on file, try again.>

What? I go to the “I forgot my user ID” section of the page.

Often entering the email the web site claims they don’t have on file yields access to the recovery the user ID.

The question that goes through my mind is;  

If the web site doesn’t have my email address on file, then why do I get SPAM from the site and more interestingly why am I able to recover a user ID with a reportedly unknown email address.

At this point I sigh and move on.

With the recovered ID, I move on to the forgot password section of the website.

About half the time, the recovered ID still generates: 

<We don’t that email address on file, try again.>

In the event that I am able to progress to resetting the password then we go down the rabbit hole of what’s an acceptable password.

I try fart

<Your entry is invalid. Your password must be eight characters long> 

I enter fartfart

<Your entry is invalid. Your password must be eight characters long and contain at least one capital letter>

I enter Fartfart

<Your entry is invalid. Your password must be eight characters long and contain at least one numeral.>

I enter Fartfart1

<Your entry is invalid. Your password must be eight characters long and contain at least one special character such as a space, or punctuation mark.>

I enter Fart fart 9

<Your entry is invalid. Your password must be eight characters long and contain at least one special character such as a space, or punctuation mark.>

In frustration I enter, Map-eb-aIbr-oal-eiD-aK-

<Password Accepted>

To complete the change to your password, answer the following security questions. You have 10 minutes to complete these answers.

What Town were you born in?

What is your favorite color?

When did you lose your virginity?

How big is your dick?

When did you stop beating your wife?

What was the name of your first dog?

How was that dog killed?

How have you resolved your feelings at being responsible for the death of your first dog?

Where did your parents meet?

How many times a week did your father beat your mother?

Since you were responsible for the abuse your mother took at the hands of your father has that colored your adult relationships?

When your fourth dog died of old age, did you feel that you’d been forgiven for causing the “Accidental” deaths of the preceding 3 dogs?

How long have you had inappropriate sexual feelings?

Your password has been changed, please login using your new credentials… 

PenisFlats

At which point I’m quivering in my chair suffering a psychological crisis generated by the combination of general frustration, and answering the security questions.

After 40 minutes of deep breathing, a couple of stiff drinks and an overdose of Prozac.

I remember why I was trying to log into the web site in the first place.

I log back in to the site, and close my account.

You see, my vacation plans changed and I will not be visiting Penis Flats, so I want the Penis Flats chamber of commerce to stop sending me vacation ideas.

Posted on

Does anyone else see the irony here?

Anonymous hooded reuters

Or is it just me?

Saw this headline on Breitbart and blew ice tea out my nose.

“Hacktivist Group ‘Anonymous’ Plans Cyber Warfare against Countries that Support ISIS”

Really!

The reason i blew ice tea out my nose is that ANONYMOUS is, for want of a better term an Anarchist group that our government calls “Terrorists” on a fairly regular basis.

I find it ironic beyond belief that this “Cyber-Terrorist” group is doing more than our government to shut down ISIS.

Hell, if I could help Anonymous I probably would.

This is a completely amazing turn of events and I totally applaud Anonymous in their efforts.

I hope they remember to take out CAIR while they’re at it.