As most of the country knows California is burning.
Where I live we’re pretty unaffected. There’s a haze and smell of smoke in the air and that’s it.
But I’ve been antsy, really antsy! Some might even say twitchy bordering on angry.
Then it hit me, the smell of smoke, the taste of ash in my mouth. That is making me remember the early morning 12 years ago when I was looking at what was left of my house.
This smell is slightly different but it’s close enough, I smelled smoke for weeks afterwards and then, as I always do, I moved on. I got busy putting my life back in order, I went back to work. The A/C of my workplace was a welcome respite from the stench of wandering through what was left and meeting inspectors and insurance people at the ruins of my home.
I tried to put all those memories behind a big door in my head and then I slammed that baby shut. I nailed boards over it, hung a sign that said “Do Not Enter,” and walked mentally away.
That is until this last winter. I was at a friends house and he built a fire in his fireplace. He’s got the same shitty fireplace insert that I have in my house. Basically you can have a fire in it, but the odds are about 80% that if there’s a breeze, all the smoke will blow down the chimney and right into the house.
With a fireplace you expect a little of this but you don’t expect it to be smokier in your living room than at a beach bonfire.
The worst case with these shitty inserts, is that you have a fire that hasn’t quite caught or is smoldering and then catch a stiff wind. Which is exactly what happened 5 minutes after my friend left the house to go grab something from the local store and do a load of laundry.
I tried re adjusting the logs, I tried to get the fire to catch, I opened the windows, nothing worked. No matter what I tried, the fireplace belched more smoke than it could possibly have generated into the house. My eyes were burning, my nose was running, and visibility dropped to about half of normal.
Then it happened. That door in my head exploded. all the memories flooded back and I was reliving that night 12 years ago. I was right back there watching the flames rolling across the ceiling of my living room. It shook me badly. Thankfully I’m an angry person otherwise the panic would have overwhelmed me.
Instead of freaking out and curling into a little ball waiting for rescue. I did what I did that night so long ago. I got mad!
My rage engaged and I started moving the smoldering logs outside. I dumped water on them, with each log that I extinguished I felt better, more in control. Four logs and a lot of water later I was victorious.
My friend came back about 45 minutes later and found me still shaking with all the doors & windows open then remembered I’d once mentioned a house fire. Very patiently he rebuilt a smaller fire, allowing it to catch and warm the chimney up so that the updraft was greater than the downdraft.
He usually just put up with the smoke, so he’d loaded the fireplace up before he left. I spent the rest of the afternoon outside, preferring to shovel snow in a snowstorm at 20° F. The physical activity and cold crisp air helped calm me and reduce the panic effects.
While I was outside it occurred to me that I might have a slight problem.
In the intervening years since the house fire, I’d been around campfires and hadn’t had a problem. While I was shoveling, I wondered why the situation had affected me but campfires had not.
The conclusion I reached was that I’d been inside with the potential for being trapped in the case of the cabin, but in the case of the campfires I could exit in almost any direction.
Based on my reaction this morning, perhaps the problem is a little more severe than I thought. Being in the house that is the same floorplan, in the same location as the previous house, with the heavy smell of smoke in the air, on some level I’m reliving that morning all over again.
This time, with lockdowns, and covid fear, nowhere to go, I’m trapped with memories that I can’t shut down by leaving the house.
There are no distractions, nothing I can do to distance myself from the memory. I suppose that explains the simmering anger, frustration, and antsyness.
If this is 1/10000 of what someone dealing with PTSD feels, those folks totally have my respect and sympathy. They’re stronger than I am.
My brain is running overtime right now to counteract the negative thoughts and feelings.
This is temporary and I know it, intellectually. I will master my… Fear? Angst? Panic? I may have a bad day or two but the winds will shift, the smoke will clear and I’ll be fine.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to live constantly fighting to control my mind like this. But I have a new perspective and for that I’m grateful.
To those of our Military who fight this battle all the time, don’t give up. Reach out to someone, anyone, for the support you may need. You might just find someone like me. I’ve never lived on any actual battlefield, but I understand (a little) the battlefield of the mind.
It’s been weeks since I went to bed and slept soundly through until morning.