I’m Tired…

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So Tired… dammit I’m exhausted!

Yep, couldn’t help seeing Madeline Kahn as I thought about writing this.

I’m tired of many things. Politics, War, Afghanistan, President Obamas speachifying.

At the top of my list and also something I can control is the hate, vitriol, and drama that I let into my home.

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I’ve been a Twitter user for a long while now. I’m beginning to thing that perhaps that is at an end.

Recently, there have been several particularly nasty incidents that I’ve decided I don’t have to put up with.

First let me say, I’m conservative. I’m not Limbaugh conservative, but I do have more conservative leaning views.

I don’t like big government, I don’t think the government owes me anything more than my due (Social Security) springs to mind, and I know damn well that I’ll be whistling for that.

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That being said, I’m not automatically drinking the Republican, Democratic, Liberal, or Tea Party kool-aid.

Some of those people scare the hell out of me because they’re just as draconian in their beliefs as the Puritans. (They popped into my head because of Thanksgiving.)

I’m more of a libertarian, constitutionalist.

All I’ve ever wanted, is to be left the hell alone in my personal life and financial affairs.

For me personally the ACA is anathema to the way I’d prefer to live.

It’s representative of a government intrusion into my personal affairs that I’d prefer not to have.

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I’ve begun over the past decade or so to believe that the government has become too large and unwieldy to provide the primary services it was designed to.

Our government on both a federal and state level has become so intrusive in our daily lives that I chafe because I fear the loss of freedom that comes with each new regulation, regardless of whether the regulation or rule actually makes sense.

I don’t believe you can regulate common sense any more than morality. From the beginning it was obvious, prohibition wasn’t ever going to work stopping folks from getting drunk. Or the drug war, or “Just say No.”

As an example of intrusiveness on the part of government run amok, it’s no longer permissible to smoke in your condo in a Northern California town.

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Yes! this is a Condominium that you OWN, pay taxes on, and a homeowners association fee monthly.

It seems that smoking on your own property is now forbidden because some smoke may at some point waft through a wall (god I hope not) and potentially harm a neighbor.

Were I in that town, I’d lobby for a ban or curry foods, microwaving fish, and kimchi too.

I find all of these offensive. Am I not allowed to demand protection for my sinuses?

The question for me is; where reasonably do my rights begin and end?

When I see the government either federal, state, or local, feeling that they have the right to extend their power into my home I become very concerned.

To me, this represents a fundamental lost of my freedom as a human being. What happened to fundamental concepts like life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

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How about this? Schools fining parents because the lunch a parent sent to school for their child was’t “Nutritionally acceptable”. Then the child is given additional foodstuffs to make up the perceived lack of nutritional value.

Yes, this is happening now and I believe we’ve lost our damn minds!

Who at the school is to say that the food left out of a lunch wasn’t part of a medical issue? The school feeling that they have the right to fine a parent as punishment for not feeding their kid correctly is completely off the charts.

The other side of the coin is also happening. Parents are being punished, as are their children for having too much food. In our headlong charge to prevent childhood obesity, some schools have implemented rules about snacks.

What these rules overlook is sports.

I, as a teen couldn’t get enough food. I ran on the track team, and walked or rode a bike everywhere in the town of Lexington.

I walked in the snow, and rain or shine. I liked walking. I loved being on the track and cross country teams…

I was also always starving! Not because my parents weren’t feeding me, the food bill was astronomical.

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I was hungry all the time because my body was growing, and at the same time I was burning a ton of calories each and every day.

The day I topped 120 pounds I was amazed, I was also a senior in High School.

It’s hard to be fat when your caloric burn rate is off the charts.

But if I were in some of the “calorie regulated” the schools of today, doing all that I was doing then, I’d be unhealthy. Thin, isn’t always a sign of health.

That unhealthiness would be a direct result of a school policy that sought to enforce a restriction on my nutritional intake.

As a kid, I’d not even have been able to recognize the danger until my body shut down in the middle of a meet. And what about the damage done by malnutrition as I trained to win?

What ever happened to teaching kids personal responsibility? Or, for that matter Phys Ed? All the so called affronts to our self esteem are in fact learning situations. Lots of those lessons are taught not in the classroom, but in the schoolyard.

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You’re not always going to be the strongest, fastest, smartest, or the best.

That’s LIFE!

Knowing that simple truth provides a balance to me and my personal philosophies. This knowledge allows me to deal with most situations.

Mind you, I might not be happy about it, but I know how to deal.

Why do we insist on giving children completely unrealistic expectations? How about lessons on losing with grace and honor?


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Liberty and Freedom aren’t just abstract concepts to me. I want nothing more than to live and breath those concepts.

So long as I’m not harming anyone, It is up to me to decide how best to live my life.

By extension, were I a parent, it would be MY call on what was best for MY child.

I deeply resent anyone who seeks to impose their will or belief structures on me. Note, I said belief structures…

You see, that leads to religion.

An Atheist, Dowist, Catholic, Satanist, Jew, or any other religious practitioner is granted the right to pursue their beliefs by the constitution.

At the same time, these folks are not permitted to force me to accept and practice their beliefs.

Yet, all around us we have people imposing their will on others not out of fact, but out of dogmatic belief.

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What is the difference between the belief of a religion… and the dogmatic adherence to unproven philosophies that are ostensibly to protect us all?

I could make the argument my decision to convert all nonbelievers to Christ for the betterment of their eternal souls. You know, for their own good… Is not only right… but necessary because I know best what they need to be happy!

That would be wrong, and it’s already been done. A little tea party called the Inquisition, which may have led to a certain explorer finding the North American continent… again.

Back to the Twitter incidents.

Increasingly, discussions about current events are interrupted by people who, uninvited, start ramming their dogmatic beliefs down everyone else’s throats.

This happens on almost every subject and typically ends, only when the original topic of conversation is abandoned.

So called “Liberals” are to my mind, the worst offenders.

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Whether it be in defense of the ACA while people are commiserating about the loss of their insurance and inability to access exchanges or obtain subsidies.

On the more vicious, hateful, strident calls, for more gun control interjected in a conversation about steel versus lead ammunition.

The result is always the same.

The original conversant says “Uh, please leave, we’re not talking about that here.”
The intruder replies “Fuck you, you stupid tea party moron.”
Original conversant “ Look, I didn’t swear at you or call you names, I’m trying to tell my friend how to adapt to steel ammunition in hunting ducks.”
Intruder “Fucking animal! you should shoot yourself instead of the ducks.”
Original conversant “Ok, hey @myfriend, I’ll talk to you later, DM your email address.”
Intruder “Yeah you run you fucking tea party gun nut, I hope your kid shoots your dick off!”

And then the thread dies.

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It’s sad because I and I’m sure others, would have enjoyed gaining the perspective of someone who had made the transition for lead shot to steel shot.

Several weeks ago I muted someone in Twitter. I’d, up to that point, never muted anyone.

I can’t help but feel that everyone is entitled to the same freedom of expression I am. That being said, I rarely jump into a conversation unless I know one or more of the parties involved.

The guy I muted is someone that I’ve spoken with and whose comments I usually enjoy.

However, he went so far over several lines of politeness and decorum that I felt I had no choice but to silence him before he said something that I would really find offensive.

Incidents have been occurring with increasing frequency and outright hatred, over the past month or so.

In each one, even if I’m not speaking I’ve found myself offended and with no desire to read any further comments from any of the parties.

I can say the “evil bastard conservatives” typically don’t resort to obscenities during a heated discussion.

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The Liberals on the other hand should have their mouths washed out with soap.

Last night for example, I was repeatedly called a moron, idiot, and tea party asshole.

This verbal abuse came from a woman who would never have taken that kind of verbal abuse from me. She inserted herself in the conversation calling me an idiot in her very first tweet.

All I said was “We lose our health insurance so that we may become dependent on the government.” To a friend of mine who’d just gotten his insurance cancellation notice.

He thought it was funny, gallows humor but funny nonetheless.

I meant it somewhat tongue in cheek but with a sting. If in fact you require a subsidy to pay for your health insurance you are by default dependent on the government.

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Apparently, at least according to this “Lady” (Grand inquisitor more like) that made me an idiot.

She repeatedly told us all that the government didn’t pay for insurance.

Really? If you get a 100% subsidy the government is picking up the tab aren’t they?

I tried to get her to explain her position. Thats when she called me a moron, and we went down hill from there.

Somewhere in the middle of her hate ridden tirade against everyone who even questioned the policies of St Barak Obama I realized that by accessing Twitter, I’d willingly let this bitch into my home.

Before you ask, No, at no time did I call her any names… I thought it. I thought it a lot, but I didn’t call her anything that sprang to mind.

With that knowledge came this, I could in fact, throw her out just as easily.

I closed Twitter and took a deep breath.

My first inclination was to kill the Twitter account too.

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I slept on it.

I’ve decided that I’ll keep the account, instead of killing the account, I am going on hiatus for a few weeks.

You see, on the one hand, I feel like I’m inviting all the hate, and vitriol the liberals, and any other nutjob can spew into my home.

On the other hand if I fold my tent and simply don’t participate, these spewing fountains of sewage will appear to represent the majority of America.

This is, I believe how the Republican party came to be regarded so poorly.

Twitter Hiatus

The moderates got tired of fighting the ultra right (or left)  nutjobs, and they simply stopped engaging.

After all, as a responsible person I know I can turn off the TV, the computer, or anything else that bugs me and my day will progress quite nicely.

Most moderates understand this and exercise the option often.

However by doing that, we the moderates, abdicate our control to the sewage spewing nuts on either side of the political divide.

That, my brothers and sisters is why we the moderates must fight on.

We must not be silenced, we must not allow ourselves to be lumped into a group.

We must speak, politely, firmly, and honestly.

If we don’t, we’ll all end up ordering tofu tacos from an approved government vendor and only be allowed to have 90 calories per meal.

And it will all be “For our own good”

 

Apparently I’m missing something

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I use Twitter. 

I enjoy watching the day unfold through the eyes of people that are mostly like me.

The news media says something and before I can say “WTF?” Other people on Twitter are asking the same question.

Granted a lot of folks talk politics, or religious beliefs, or peoples rights.

Some people would find those conversations uncomfortable, and in fact many people actively try to shout down those with opposing viewpoints.

Often the shouting and attendant obscene language and sometimes what could only be defined as hate speech is coming from über liberals and it directed at the more conservative elements having discussions on Twitter. 

It’s the speed with which the liberal elements descend to these tactics that I have found interesting over time. 

I continue to read the points that people are making, I weigh out what I see as the merits… or not of their point and if I have time will read the links to news organizations. 

I like the photos, sometimes they’re beautiful, sometimes they’re cartoons, and sometimes well… taste is a matter of perspective isn’t it?

Occasionally I’ll comment. I’ll express my thoughts and sometimes, I’m told I’m wrong. Often a kind person will take the time to explain why. Other times I’ll share an opinion or belief and another person will send a message something like “Hey thanks, I hadn’t thought about <subject x> that way.”

To me this is what Twitter is. 

I’ve thought of it as a well ordered meeting in a virtual town square. The order is imposed by a 140 character limit and you have to make your point or you’ll be lost in the shuffle. 

I’ve been using a service that supposedly deletes your tweets after a set period of time. My Tweets are in fact deleted from my timeline but I’ve been wondering lately why someone would offer such a service for free, after all what do they get out of it?

The reasons I want my tweets deleted after a certain period of time is that I see no need to keep them. In the unlikely event that I run for political office I don’t want to be hamstrung by a moronic reporter in my opponents pocket, asking questions formulated to destroy my candidacy from out of context tweets.

I’d find this especially embarrassing if the reporter in question didn’t know the difference between ‘reaped’ and ‘wrought’ as I saw in an article this morning.

I suppose you could call my removal of tweets the digital equivalent of the Hikers Code. “Leave no trace behind

I’ve always been dimly aware of a certain competitiveness regarding the number of followers one has on Twitter.

Only recently did I learn that your number of followers and the number of people you follow back affect the chances of being sent to the Twitter Gulag. Who the heck knew there was a Twitter Gulag?

I to my knowledge have never been sent to the Twitter Gulag, I suppose it’s possible I would have simply thought Twitter was experiencing technical difficulties and moved on to other things.

I’ve been seeing more and more of “I follow/unfollow back”

This confuses me. If I’ve followed someone it’s because I thought they said things that were interesting enough that I wanted to hear more. I had no expectation that they would follow me unless my comments were interesting to them as well.

If someone becomes un-interesting to me for a long period of time, then I’ll stop following them and I expect the same treatment. It’s not offensive, after all we all change over time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always very flattered when someone follows me. I hope that my comments or humor will entertain, challenge or delight them. But I don’t want anyone to feel obligated to follow me, I sure as hell don’t feel any obligation to follow anyone.

But there seems to be something more, something I’m missing in all this follow / unfollow business.

I don’t look at Twitter as a popularity contest although I suppose it is.

I can’t hang my self esteem on something as arbitrary as the number of followers or how it changes day to day.

If I tailored my comments to generate maximum approval in order to gain followers, how long before I’d be speaking “Group Truth” instead of my own?

Shorter: How long until I’m a politician with no moral fiber and no core beliefs?

I like the “Twitter as Town Square” metaphor. Remember in this case the Town Square is global.

I like a free for all exchange of ideas and even philosophies from the people themselves not a book in a library. I prefer for a person to be able to explain how they came to a conclusion or came up with some innovation. Often folks on twitter will tell you exactly why or how they came up with something.

I still believe that most of the average or “common” folks on this planet are in fact pretty darn smart. Spelling or grammatical mistakes aside, humans are inherently problem solvers and creators. That aspect of us should be celebrated and encouraged.

Twitter has the capacity to do that. 

Imagine a farmer having a problem with a particular crop, being able to float a question to every farmer on the planet. How about someone trying to solve an engineering problem?

To me this is the best the internet can provide. It’s the basis in my mind, of information being free.

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I’m not comfortable with Twitter as a training ground for politicians. 

Yes, I took a lot more than 140 characters…

Follow me… or not if any of my truth caught your interest.

All the best for your upcoming week.

I sat down to write…

I had something in mind, then I read something else on a news site on the web.

Now I can’t remember what I was going to write about. The news piece I read wasn’t controversial or badly written, it was actually kind of blasé.

But I suppose what I was going to write about wasn’t completely developed and so… evaporated like rain on hot asphalt.

Now, after looking at a blank page for far too long, I’m hungry.

Sigh, OK I’ll go get food and then come back to seeing what I was wanting to write about.

And once again… 

My mind is as blank as this page. Just a little static, but nothing more.

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The DOW has been a bit of a roller coaster the past week. Twitters IPO appears to have been successful. 

But that’s not what I was going to write about…

I noticed The President apologized to the people for their loss of healthcare coverage that they were happy with and could afford without government subsidies.

The bigger questions for me are if law was supposed to make it possible for all Americans to be covered, Why is anyone falling through the cracks?

Why are the extremely poor and elderly may finding that their coverage is significantly reduced or completely unaffordable even with subsidies?

How is it reasonable at all to cancel plans that people could afford and tell them that they need to go shopping for more coverage that they can’t afford? YES! I subscribe to the theory something is better than nothing.

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My healthcare plan is very expensive for what it is. I’ve got a deductible that is really high and the plan only covers 80%.

I really feel for those folks receiving cancellation notices, I can’t afford to pay more than I’m paying. I sure as hell don’t have the stomach to go through all the insurance bullshit again in less than a year.

I’m also a bit put off that the so called “Good” plans have all kinds of coverage that for instance elderly folks don’t really need. A 65 year old couple isn’t likely to need pregnancy coverage for example. So why are they having their insurance plan cancelled because it doesn’t include that coverage? 

I’ve heard proponents of Obamacare calling the plans being cancelled “CRAP” plans.

I don’t see it that way. I see it as the ultimate in capitalism. People purchase the plans they can afford with the options that most closely match their anticipated needs.

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After all, Obamacare made “Cadillac” health plans bad things too.

Hell if I had the money I’d purchase a “BMW” healthcare plan, you know something that included weekly massages (with happy endings) and guaranteed cloning & transfer of my consciousness  to a new body every 20 or 30 years. 

No doubt that would really piss off the folks striving for a more socialist “everyone is equal” health care system.

Being a single male, I don’t need a mammogram, pap smear, or pregnancy coverage. I notice however that coverage is a little light when it comes to my cock and balls.

The only “sanctioned” (covered) therapy for prostate cancer is surgery which leaves the patient incontinent, sterile, and impotent .

I’m thinking, if it ever came to it I’ll take the cancer and fuck my way across the globe. Or I’d pony up the cash for the minimally invasive therapies, completely bypassing my insurance and therefore not getting my moneys worth out of it.

That’s another entire discussion dealing with the pendulum swing caused by men’s mistreatment of women in our society that persisted until the mid 80s. We all know the equation, Men = evil, greedy, sexual predators. Women = Justice, valkyries of virtue and light.

I’ll remind you that my government mandated COBRA coverage was almost $700 a month. That’s more than I was paying for my car and within a couple hundred bucks of my mortgage. I can’t pay that kind of money for something that isn’t providing a tangible benefit every month.

Most young people can’t either.

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A 20 year old working at McDonalds, but not working enough hours to have company paid health insurance faced with a choice between paying rent, buying groceries, and putting gas in their car, or paying for healthcare is going to say, “screw healthcare” every time.

If that same individual is paying for school you can be absolutely sure they’re not going to pay for healthcare. Particularly, if they’re squeaking by financially and not able to be a full time student. 

I remember making those choices… I always chose rent (having a place to get laid), gas, (cause going out meant getting laid), then food (drink enough coffee and you can do without food for 3 maybe 4 days.)

Today, I’m in better shape than many people. Getting my healthcare policy was a stressful, long process. Made more stressful because I didn’t want to run afoul of the new law dictating that I must have health insurance.

Yeah, for the most part I’m a legal beagle. I don’t want to give the obscenity our government has become any reason to come looking for me. I pay my taxes, obey the laws, and keep a low profile, all I ask in return is that the government leave me the hell alone.

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They only caught Capone because he wasn’t paying taxes, and every hooker knows you always pay your taxes, the IRS pimps gotta have their taste.

Eventually, if the government keeps on it’s current course, it will have the power to observe every aspect of my daily life. My hope is that by the time they get there, I’ll be so old that they’re not going bother themselves with the likes of me.

Funny isn’t it? A year ago that statement would have been dismissed as the ravings of nut job wearing a tin foil hat. But in light of the revelations about the NSA, IRS, and god knows how many other government organizations it doesn’t sound quite so crazy.

Orwell was off by a hundred years… he should have called the book 2084.

Oh… I see this is one of my Randomized posts… Hummm, maybe I should be wearing the tinfoil hat!

But that isn’t what I was going to write about.

Since it’s not coming to me… I’m just going to go with what I’ve written.

As soon as I press “Publish” I’ll no doubt remember what it was.

But you’ll just have to be left wondering…

Ain’t senility a stone bitch?

Say no to the fearmongers.

I was watching the CBS news last night.

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I know, not a good thing and certain to give you indigestion.

They caught my attention because they did this “shooting timeline

Essentially, they plotted all the “Major” ie “Newsworthy” shootings in 2012 & 2013 and concluded that these shootings typically happened about 6 weeks apart.

They ended of course with the LAX and Westfield Mall shootings. And a grim total of 84 dead.

I should point out that the Westfield mall shooting resulted in no shootings except the self inflicted fatal wound of the shooter himself.

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What struck me was that CBS didn’t include police shootings which I would argue are far more terrifying because the police are supposed to protect us, not shoot us.

The most recent of these was in New York where officers shot at and missed a perpetrator but managed to wound innocent bystanders on the street.

They also said nothing about the 13 year old who was shot and killed on the street near his home by a police officer in Northern California less than 10 seconds after the encounter began. The 13 year old was carrying a bb gun…

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CBS also completely ignored the incessant shootings in Chicago and Washington DC. I would argue that the daily violence in Chicago rivals or exceeds the violence we saw in the Nigeria mall shooting, which CBS included in their mass shooting timeline.

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How many people per day have to be shot in Chicago’s “Gun Free zone” before the magnitude of this national tragedy and fallacy of “Gun Free Zones” is newsworthy?

Don’t misunderstand,mass shootings are horrible. They’re the product of a deranged mind or minds. Shootings during the commission of a crime are horrific.

Often these shootings are used as circumstantial evidence in support of stricter gun control.

This was evident in the CBS report as one to the CBS reporters was shown asking Harry Reid if he would push additional gun control legislation given the recent LAX and Mall shootings.

I find myself on the other side of the argument.

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I can’t help but think if one or two citizens had been carrying concealed weapons, or if an off-duty police officer (who could shoot straight) was carrying a weapon that the mall shooting, or the Colorado theater shooting, or the LAX shooting, or Sandy Hook, would have ended very differently.

By differently, I mean with the deranged individual bleeding out on the floor and the innocent citizens either physically unscathed or far fewer number among the injured.

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I’m not suggesting a wild west scenario, I’m suggesting, putting down an obvious and dangerous threat to the society.

We’d have no problem, and in fact in the past we didn’t have a problem shooting rabid animals in the streets when they posed a threat to the community.

These deranged criminals, regardless of their mental health, their medications, or lack thereof are demonstrably more dangerous to the community than any rabid animal.

I find myself believing more and more that community safety is better preserved by having random people in the community carrying concealed weapons, and knowing how to use them.

If a criminal has no idea and no way to anticipate what kind of resistance they’re likely to encounter then only very stupid or very desperate criminals will commit heinous acts of mass violence.

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When I say carrying concealed weapons, It’s implied that these folks are properly trained, and know how to use their weapons appropriately.

Some people go through the training, and simulated crime situations only to discover they don’t have the temperament to carry a concealed weapon.

Most, if not all of those folks take that knowledge and don’t go any further. They don’t carry weapons, because they’ve learned that their temperaments or beliefs won’t let them harm another person.

Other people may discover that they’re a little too quick to draw and that too is valuable knowledge which may prevent those individuals from obtaining a concealed carry permit.

Obviously the rules and permitting requirements vary from state to state, but training is almost always at the core of any concealed carry permit process.

Either case, desperate or stupid, I believe a criminal is more likely to be stopped before doing serious damage in a society where NewImageconcealed carry (and appropriate training) is the norm.

The fearmongers would have you believe that guns are used only by criminals, or sick individuals, the deranged, or terrorists.

The fearmongers would present a case where we can only be safe if guns and gun ownership are reduced.

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The fearmongers will sell you a belief that anyone who wants a gun is by definition; sick, twisted, insane, criminal, or a terrorist.

This is the worst kind of misrepresentation. It’s actually an example of conflation and to my mind it’s among the most despicable things of which the main stream media is guilty.

Last nights CBS broadcast was simply another in a long line of Anti “this” and Pro “that” rhetoric designed to manipulate our people, (For our own good, of course).

One need only compare and contrast the medias reporting styles from administration to administration to see manipulation time and again.

Recently I found myself finding this all too familiar.

It was as if I’d read it or seen it in an “reductio ad absurdum” form in a book or movie.

The propaganda of many governments and tyrannical regimes springs easily to mind. Those examples are paraded by all opponents of any government policy.

What was trying to surface from the dark recesses of my curdled brain was more extreme…

Then I was reminded of the movie Serenity.

In the movie, a Teacher is describing all the benefits of Alliance rule, and how it brought true civilization to many worlds.

One of the students asks why a rebel group would refuse all these benefits and fight against the Alliance.

Another student says, “People don’t like to be meddled with. We tell them what to do, what to think, don’t run, don’t walk. We’re in their homes and in their heads and we haven’t the right. We’re meddlesome.”

The teacher replies, We’re not telling them what to think, we’re telling them how.

Later, One of the heroes, after discovering that the Alliance has lied and carried out an experiment that was supposed to make people peaceful but which destroyed millions, an entire world and also created a group of very aggressive monsters says; “Sure as I know anything, I know this – they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten? They’ll swing back to the belief that they can make people… better.”

I think my brain latched onto the movie because it was ironic coming from Hollywood. Hollywood has been a staunch supporter of public policies designed to make us better.

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No plastic bags.

No smoking… not in bars, not in cars, not on the beach, and recently not even in your own apartment.

No guns, more government control, less individual responsibility…

Entertainment has reflected these messages.

But these reflections are from a dark and elitist mirror.

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Hollywood celebrities who run afoul of the law receive only the lightest of punishments. The average person committing the same crime, finds themselves being gang raped in prison.

Congress imposes laws, punitive taxes, and creates draconian bureaucracies, yet exempts themselves as a function of the same law. The bureaucracies consider our lawmakers exempt from their tender mercies as well.

All of it of course is  “in the public interest”, “for your own good”, “for the good of the children”.

Sometimes they’re even right. But even in being “right”…

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They’re meddlesome.

Through it all, our media continues to repeat the accepted party line in a never ending sycophantic orgy, instead of asking questions, reporting facts and performing their duty.

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Benjamin Franklins quote;

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see

Rings truer today than ever before.

Give it some thought when you listening to the evening news.

Just sayin…

 

Another Insomniac night

There are times when I want my mind to work … and it won’t. That’s been happening more often lately than I’d like to admit.

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Then other times like now when I want my mind to stop, be quiet and let me rest.

It’s one of those nights when I can’t just slip into the abyss of dreams.

No, tonight my mind is alive with thoughts and memories and sensations all at once. It’s like having the cacophony of the construction zone outside my back window, right behind my eyes.

The half dreamed, the regrets that pile up, the trips you wish you’d taken, the opportunities missed, the sexual escapades you denied yourself, the loves unrequited, in short the life that could have been… if only… 

All of these things screaming at me at once saying, “PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”

Then I’m awake. Fully awake and I know I’m not going to sleep for hours. I wonder if I’m amped about something in particular or is it just “normal” occasional insomnia.

Was killing another social media account really the right thing to do? What does that say about me? Am I becoming anti-social, or just rejecting the impersonal words on a computer screen for real presence? Am I losing my mind? 

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Is the antibiotic I’m on, the one that was causing me to be dizzy also causing this angst? I hope it is the problem but can’t help wondering if the drug is inducing the angst or is it simply ripping away the barrier that prevents me from looking at my life in an objective way.

If I’m looking at my life in an objective way, how would I change things? What does it say about me that I’m apparently so very capable of deluding myself into numbness?

I think of the friend who’s just come back to the states after having lived in China for almost two years. He had guts and chose his freedom over convention. He saw an opportunity and he took it. I want to go see him to hear what he’s done and yet I’m in pretty much the same place I was when he left. Only now I don’t even have a job to show for my time spent… doing what… being predictable? I feel ashamed.

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I pop out to Craigs list and wonder how close I am to being a broken sad person like so many people in the personals on that site. Briefly I wonder if it’s as simple as giving up.

Fuck it! I’m going to have a drink!

The anesthetic of whiskey helps a little.

Still my mind is a whirling vortex of thoughts. 

Time ticks by. 

A theme I seem to come to again and again is the question, “Have I built my own silk lined cage?” Having built that cage why am I not happy in it? What more do I want? If I can’t define it, does it mean the proverbial “It” doesn’t exist and I’m in fact tilting at windmills?

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Time ticks by

Why has it become so very difficult for me to seize the day? Perhaps a better question is, “When did it become so difficult?”

Is this being old?

I’ve loved a few times in my life. I mean truly loved, that heart rending crazy with desire kind of love that drove me to the brink of insanity. The love that makes it a joyous relief to get out of your clothes and just touch skin to skin.

Some of those loves are no longer in this world. 

Other people that I’ve cared very deeply about as friends are no longer around either.

Is getting old not actually a function of time passing, but instead a function of losses adding up around us until we have so little in common with the people surrounding us that we prefer to be with those who’ve gone on before us?

Does a familiar voice, or the smell of someones skin, or the way they looked in the morning, become so desired by us that we long for the dirt nap?

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Time ticks by

My drink is sweating on the desk. The water droplets following the same inexorable tug of gravity as the inexplicable tears running down my cheek.

I miss those I’ve lost. I know I’m going to lose more people that I care about in due time. Are my tears for them, or for me?

Time ticks by

How do I go about moving forward again when I’ve misplaced all my forward momentum? The same four walls are most certainly not the answer. I’ve realized that trying to reignite my passion for a new career, job, or whatever can’t be done in a vacuum. 

I’m not ready to be old yet. 

And yet… I’m tired.

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I understand my Grandfathers comment about “Routine Changes”. 

I always thought he was talking about politics “Politicians are all liars and crooks”. I see now he was talking about the “NEW” that was really the “old”. Its just the “Old” dressed up in a new Sunday hat.

Over time I guess I’ve become jaded. Politicians are still crooks & liars. Young people still think that they know everything. Their new whats-it, system, whatever is the best, and original, and no-one has ever tried it before.

I’ve seen repetitive patterns in business for years. Software development methodologies spring to mind. You can also see it in education.

Core competencies? (New Sunday hat name for reading writing and arithmetic.) You know the stuff they taught all us “over 50s” with a paddle hanging in the principals office and a sharp crack of a ruler across our knuckles.

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Those incentives coupled with the terror you faced at the prospect of being held back a grade meant that you worked your ass off to pass your exams. Back in the day Teachers weren’t really all that concerned with your insignificant feelings about education. They were concerned about you actually being educated.

Grandpa was right, it cycles at least once in your lifetime.

This is one of those posts that I usually delete.

Apparently it was the antibiotic. As I read this I think “Wow who is this?” I acknowledge it’s me, but it’s me without filters.

What the hell? I’ll post it. Probably pop right up on the NSA screen

Hi NSA!