Category: Musings

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24 Hour Fitness and I have divorced

Just got the final dissolution papers (in Email) today.

Eh, we had a good run. After pondering the question and visiting a couple of open gyms I decided that without the magic of the big giant eye off the 405 I just wasn’t that into them anymore.

The mega gym that I’d spent so many hours in was “home” and all the other gyms in the 24 hour chain paled by comparison. The local gyms in the chain are simply not that impressive and the clientele is less so.

There was a reason that I liked the more expensive gym, and that reason was that cost limited the clients to people that had some respect for others and typically left the place pretty clean.

The local gyms I visited were, shall we say… shitholes. That is of course when they were open. One actually made me glad I needed to wear a mask, if only I’d had some bleach to spray inside the mask, when I went in.

Should I need the services of a gym, I’ll find one. Until that time, I’ll work around the house and take walks. At least those things, I can do without a mask and without wondering what kind of fungus or other disease I’m being exposed to.

Another tie to my California Life cut. It’s been interesting to discover the threads that bind me to this place and more so how few there are left.

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There’d been something nagging at the back of my mind…

The ExpanseIt was one of those little things, a thought not quite remembered. But it was somehow important, something that could potentially help me, if I could only remember it.

It’s been bugging me for weeks.  Not that I thought it was the end all be all, but something that could help me surf these all too strange waters we find ourselves in.

It was philosophical, intriguing, and dead on.

Not only could I not remember the thought, I couldn’t remember its source. That meant I had no starting point until I remembered something the Marines call “The Suck”

Once I had that starting point I kept pulling threads until I found what I was looking for.

Don’t get me wrong, The Marines are 100% right about The Suck, we’re clearly in some serious suck. Thank God for The Marines. They have a way of expressing things that is awesome.

What I was looking for was something else that was more apt to our current circumstances and the way I was feeling in particular.

I finally found what I’d been trying to remember.

It’s from “The Expanse”

One of the characters is having a conversation with a spy. The spy is kind of slippery but he’s never encountered up close and personal someone like Amos.

The exchange is as follows:

Kenzo: It must be nice, having everything figured out like that.

Amos: Ain’t nothing to do with me: we’re just caught in the Churn, that’s all.

Kenzo: I have no idea what you just said.

Amos: This boss I used to work for in Baltimore, he called it the Churn. When the rules of the game change.

Kenzo: What game?

Amos: The only game. Survival. When the jungle tears itself down and builds itself into something new. Guys like you and me, we end up dead. Doesn’t really mean anything. Or, if we happen to live through it, well that doesn’t mean anything either.

We’re in The Churn.

Amos Bearded The ExpanseThe rules are changing, it’s beyond our control. The only option is to survive… or not. Either way it doesn’t mean anything, except to us as individuals.

Individually we may be lucky or not, but in the grand scheme of things, our presence really doesn’t matter.

The best we can do is surf the churn, allowing our survival instincts to dictate our choices.

The thing is, nothing will ever be the same again because our jungle is tearing itself apart. We can’t predict what the new configuration will be. We’ll only know when it’s done.

I’m pretty rule based. I can exist, even happily, in chaos but only by recognizing that I’m in a chaotic situation. I’ve been laboring under the assumption that the chaos we’ve been in was transient and things would return to normal next month, the month after, maybe the one after.

But that is a lie. It’s a lie we’re being told to keep us complacent and prevent us from fully engaging in The Churn. The effect is that all of us are attempting to live in some shared delusion that this will all come to an end and our lives will be returned to us, based on some external force.

If in fact there is a “New Normal”, a new jungle, then we all have to go all in. We need to stop nibbling on the barrel and accept it. If that means rejecting all the laws that have previously bound us, so be it.

We’ve all pretty much come to the conclusion that COVID while real, isn’t the killer, set your hair on fire and run in tight circles, that we’ve been told it is. But still people are obeying arbitrary and capricious laws, & made up regulations.

We’ve all seen live, that rioting is becoming more common over the slightest of perceived infractions. As the police departments are defunded they will be less and less able to provide the protections that they were established to provide. Leaving average people to fend for themselves.

While at the same time witnessing harassment of average people on the streets just trying to go about their lives. We’ve seen that protecting ourselves results in imprisonment while our politicians are telling us that they’re releasing career criminals due to concerns over COVID.

Rampant and obvious corruption is visible and yet the talking heads charged with providing timely and accurate information, are doing their absolute best to look the other way.

We know that at least one candidate to our highest office is unfit for the job and clearly ill. We’re living in a barely suppressed anarchy. Regardless of a vaccine, regardless of the election, regardless of changes to the police forces. This will not stop. We’ll never get to the old normal again. The only reason the anarchy is suppressed at all is because we’re all waiting for something to magically fix it.

Waiting for magic, is waiting for a train that ain’t coming.

We must recognize that the only way through this is full speed ahead and embrace the Anarchy. Someone screws with you while you’re minding your own business, punch their lights out, or punch their ticket to where ever they’re bound for. For good measure rob ‘em. It doesn’t matter anymore. Who’re they gonna call? You were strong enough to take their shit, it’s yours. If they die well they aren’t going to be needing it anyway.

We’re all predators, the only reason we don’t kill each other more regularly is because we’re generally law abiding and mostly polite. That doesn’t seem to be working for us anymore.

In The Churn it’s better to be the top predator than prey. That’s the law of the jungle and apparently it’s the current law in places like Chicago, Seattle, Portland, LA, Minneapolis, New York, and Pittsburgh, these days.

If the whole country is gonna be like these cities then fine. I may not make it, but I’m not going alone. Simultaneously, don’t expect to arrest me for doing what every other predator is doing.

It’s time to embrace it, time to let all that rage and predatory instinct out. Time to decide what do we really want. I’d be happy with law and order.

But I will not accept that I have to obey laws that are stupid or pointless while others are immune to those same laws.

If it’s to be no law, okay then, let’s all go back to the jungle en mass. When the blood and destruction reaches some critical point…

Then I’d imagine a new jungle will have been created, and the survivors will beg for law, order, and justice again.

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The End of an Era…

For many years, I’ve maintained a VIP membership at a gym in Orange County.

As part of that membership I had access to the VIP locker room. This was not the locker room you’d be familiar with if you attend a “normal” gym.

This locker room was all wood. It had a private Jacuzzi, wet & dry saunas, private access to the pool, and ample sinks and mirrors, where it was not uncommon to see 8 to 10 men shaving in the morning and often in the evenings if they were going out on a date.

We all had private lockers, towel service, the gym would wash our dirty workout clothes and leave them in our lockers when finished. There was fresh coffee, and fresh fruit available in a lounge area that seated 10 around a big screen TV usually tuned to the financial news or on weekends to one of the various games. They even had a place where you could drop off your laundry and pick it up a couple days later all conveniently billed to your Gym account with a monthly itemized statement delivered to your locker.

Occasionally one of the guys would bring his son or sons into the gym and the locker room to change clothes, or shower after father and son(s) worked out or used the pool. No-one paid any mind as long as the youngster wasn’t misbehaving. It was a place of Men.

In a time when places for Men were disappearing and feminism was taking it’s toll on even Barber Shops, it was a place that was a welcome sanctuary from the hubbub of the business day. I can’t count how many business deals I heard being closed in the lounge chairs over coffee or a cool post workout smoothie.

I spent many happy hours in that locker room. Sometimes finishing a report for work, but more often just starting my day there.

I’d drive to the gym, workout, shower, shave, have breakfast, then walk across the street to work. Sometimes I’d start and end my day at the gym, using cardio to burn the frustrations of the day away waiting for traffic to die down.

The gym had regular locker-rooms for men and women too. But I was worth the added expense and really enjoyed the VIP locker room because it was always quiet and comfortable. I guess you could call it a “Safe Space”.

The Gym itself had a pro shop, dining area, the usual array of weight machines, free weight areas, racquet ball and basketball courts, spin classes, yoga, aerobic studios, conference rooms (that you could reserve a month in advance), a hair salon, child care for the kids who were too young or not interested in working out with Dad or Mom. It was a big place and for a time, only the best of the best trainers got to work there.

While trying to figure out when the Gym would re-open due to COVID I discovered that my gym would never re-open.

24 Hour Fitness is in bankruptcy and apparently my gym was one of the casualties of their default, 130 gyms in all.

There’d been no notice, no email, no letter… nothing. This left me wondering where, when, and how I’d get my things from my locker. I tried calling corporate and all I got was a recording telling me that due to COVID there was no one to talk to. I wrote a strongly worded letter to corporate and heard nothing.

Last Friday, I got an email from 24 Hour Fitness telling me that I needed to call the number provided as soon as possible, to collect my things. I called the number Monday and made arrangements to drive down to grab my gear.

It almost wasn’t worth it. One shoe, my workout clothes, racquet balls, and all my toiletries were missing. They did manage to get my shower shoes, my racquet ball racquet, and my favorite yoga mat into a big plastic trash bag. They had no idea about the other items or why they’d not made it into the bag. Except for the racquet, the drive to OC was almost not worth making.

24 Hour Fitness, is giving me a great rate on their All Gym package in consideration of the closure. I can literally go to any of their gyms which is no different than what my membership always provided.

It won’t be the same. I’ll have to hump my shit to and from the gym, fiddle with a padlock and remember what locker I put my shit in when I’m done with my workout. I know this is the normal way gyms work but I’ve tasted better, and I liked it. I liked walking into the gym like a zombie, getting my stuff out of my locker dressing to work out and actually waking up at some point during my workout. I liked going to the locker room and having a cup of coffee before I showered and got on with my day.

That’s all a thing of the past now. I haven’t made any decision yet about the membership. I think it’s best to let the wound scab over a bit.

The gym where I picked up my stuff was strange. No music, no TVs. It’s a nice place, but felt strange. People on cardio machines with their masks on, their earbuds in their ears listening to their own groove from phones or pads in front of them. Few people were using the weights, and those who’d completed their workouts left the gym sweaty and disheveled. The locker room was empty as I made my way through to the bathroom. It was like a weird movie. Everyone silent and isolated, even in a crowd.

I’m not sure that I’ll be maintaining the membership. I don’t like this version of “Normal”

It occurred to me that I have no ties left with OC other than one remaining friend there.

OC used to be a big part of my world. I worked there, my doctor was there, I drank there, and played there. Now OC is just another place that I used to know, but don’t goto anymore. Los Angeles, Hollywood, and The Valley all have this same feeling. Places I used to goto but don’t anymore. Palm Springs is starting to feel like this too. Distant, broken, alien.

I’m beginning to think, for me, this is more than COVID fatigue. It’s something deeper.

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Wounds you don’t know you carry…

As most of the country knows California is burning.

Where I live we’re pretty unaffected. There’s a haze and smell of smoke in the air and that’s it.

9/7/2020 Haze

But I’ve been antsy, really antsy! Some might even say twitchy bordering on angry.

Then it hit me, the smell of smoke, the taste of ash in my mouth. That is making me remember the early morning 12 years ago when I was looking at what was left of my house.

This smell is slightly different but it’s close enough, I smelled smoke for weeks afterwards and then, as I always do, I moved on. I got busy putting my life back in order, I went back to work. The A/C of my workplace was a welcome respite from the stench of wandering through what was left and meeting inspectors and insurance people at the ruins of my home.

I tried to put all those memories behind a big door in my head and then I slammed that baby shut. I nailed boards over it, hung a sign that said “Do Not Enter,” and walked mentally away.

That is until this last winter. I was at a friends house and he built a fire in his fireplace. He’s got the same shitty fireplace insert that I have in my house. Basically you can have a fire in it, but the odds are about 80% that if there’s a breeze, all the smoke will blow down the chimney and right into the house.

With a fireplace you expect a little of this but you don’t expect it to be smokier in your living room than at a beach bonfire.

The worst case with these shitty inserts, is that you have a fire that hasn’t quite caught or is smoldering and then catch a stiff wind. Which is exactly what happened 5 minutes after my friend left the house to go grab something from the local store and do a load of laundry.

I tried re adjusting the logs, I tried to get the fire to catch, I opened the windows, nothing worked. No matter what I tried, the fireplace belched more smoke than it could possibly have generated into the house. My eyes were burning, my nose was running, and visibility dropped to about half of normal.

Then it happened. That door in my head exploded. all the memories flooded back and I was reliving that night 12 years ago. I was right back there watching the flames rolling across the ceiling of my living room. It shook me badly. Thankfully I’m an angry person otherwise the panic would have overwhelmed me.

2008 House Fire

Instead of freaking out and curling into a little ball waiting for rescue. I did what I did that night so long ago. I got mad!

My rage engaged and I started moving the smoldering logs outside. I dumped water on them, with each log that I extinguished I felt better, more in control. Four logs and a lot of water later I was victorious.

My friend came back about 45 minutes later and found me still shaking with all the doors & windows open then remembered I’d once mentioned a house fire. Very patiently he rebuilt a smaller fire, allowing it to catch and warm the chimney up so that the updraft was greater than the downdraft.

He usually just put up with the smoke, so he’d loaded the fireplace up before he left. I spent the rest of the afternoon outside, preferring to shovel snow in a snowstorm at 20° F. The physical activity and cold crisp air helped calm me and reduce the panic effects.

While I was outside it occurred to me that I might have a slight problem.

In the intervening years since the house fire, I’d been around campfires and hadn’t had a problem. While I was shoveling, I wondered why the situation had affected me but campfires had not.

The conclusion I reached was that I’d been inside with the potential for being trapped in the case of the cabin, but in the case of the campfires I could exit in almost any direction.

Based on my reaction this morning, perhaps the problem is a little more severe than I thought. Being in the house that is the same floorplan, in the same location as the previous house, with the heavy smell of smoke in the air, on some level I’m reliving that morning all over again.

This time, with lockdowns, and covid fear, nowhere to go, I’m trapped with memories that I can’t shut down by leaving the house.

There are no distractions, nothing I can do to distance myself from the memory. I suppose that explains the simmering anger, frustration, and antsyness.

If this is 1/10000 of what someone dealing with PTSD feels, those folks totally have my respect and sympathy. They’re stronger than I am.

My brain is running overtime right now to counteract the negative thoughts and feelings.

This is temporary and I know it, intellectually. I will master my… Fear? Angst? Panic? I may have a bad day or two but the winds will shift, the smoke will clear and I’ll be fine.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to live constantly fighting to control my mind like this. But I have a new perspective and for that I’m grateful.

To those of our Military who fight this battle all the time, don’t give up. Reach out to someone, anyone, for the support you may need. You might just find someone like me. I’ve never lived on any actual battlefield, but I understand (a little) the battlefield of the mind.

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Ahhh, Finally a decent night’s sleep

GOPR0058.jpegIt’s been weeks since I went to bed and slept soundly through until morning.

The sleep application running on my phone shows the disruptions and restlessness much more clearly than I actually recall being awake.

It’s amazing how lack of sleep makes ya feel like crap. In my case I start to feel really stupid and have a hard time keeping any single thought in my head. I become scattered and then I get really quiet. 

But last night was bliss!

I went to bed, fell asleep immediately. I woke up to the pink blush of the sunrise across the mountain and actually felt ready to get up and start my day. 

I’ve been doing chores and enjoying them. (God, I must be sick!)

Thursday, Friday, and yesterday I felt poorly. I wondered if I’d caught the Covid Boogyman virus. I had no fever and I could still taste & smell and had no other symptoms. So I took it easy and kept a watchful eye on my stats. With all the media attention and masked up people, it was easy to wonder if I’d caught IT and was I gonna die.

My 80 something year old mother is panicking on the other side of the country for the same reasons. I’d spoken to her on Thursday and did my level best to hide that I wasn’t feeling well.

I did tell her that she should turn off the steady diet of CNN but she was having none of that. She told me that apparently some of my brother-in-laws relatives died of Covid.

They were in their 80s and honestly I question if it was Covid or just old age. I did my best to calm her down. Thankfully, the conversation was short. Between the strain of creating the illusion that I was fine and her going on & on about Covid I was pretty short on patience.

This morning I feel pretty much normal. I’m a little stiff from the lack of activity over the past few days, but my head is clear. (I can add 2+2 without a calculator so that’s a plus.)

Been going through the accumulated email catching up. More properly, I’ve been going through the email and deleting the ton of junk mail that the filters missed. It’s funny, only about 1 in 10 emails actually has anything important in it.

It’s hard to believe that we’ve already gotten through almost all of July. 

Time feels like it’s stopped, but the days on the calendar have flown by. I guess that’s a function of the news not really changing. I mean there really hasn’t been much different since about April. I’m finding it easy to lose days and entire weeks.

Ah well, off to complete some more chores that have backed up.

Hope you’re all having a great Sunday.