Category: Musings

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Christmas Dinner was a bust, and not a bust…

Let me explain.

At Thanksgiving, the kind neighbors who invited me to their Thanksgiving & I got to talking. They’d had some family members show up and while their table accommodated us all, things were a bit cramped.

I suggested that we should have taken the food to my place and used my table since it is bigger and opens out to an even bigger configuration.

That led to the neighbor saying that Christmas will be at my place…

I accepted the challenge.

I spent the next month cleaning and making my home more like it had been when Jerry & I first moved in. The original idea was that the house would be uncluttered. Courtesy of the fire in ’08 we literally had nothing to clutter the place with. In our furniture selection, we tried to pick things that worked while preserving an “open” comfortable feeling to the house.

It worked very nicely, while Jerry’s instruments and music were at the church. When the church job ended the battle with clutter that had been more or less manageable suddenly became a major problem. I’ve been systematically going through and disposing of many of Jerry’s things over the past 2 years. Most of the items I’ve disposed of within the last 8 months. 

Clearing some things out of the dining area and then the kitchen area really opened the space up. It was a lot of work moving the stuff down to the garage. I re-tasked some of the cubbies that Jerry had relied upon for storage of his music, and bits of technology. This helped a little when It came to getting my tools organized in the garage.

At some point during this process,  I realized that I was smiling in the morning while getting my coffee.

The house, even with the Christmas tree was open, more free, more comfortable. I understood that part of this was me reclaiming my space. The pain of Jerry’s loss wasn’t so sharp. I was relaxing more into my own skin.

That spurred me on to more cleaning & sorting. There’s a lot to do in the office, basement, and garage but I’m pleased with the outcome this far. For however long this lasts I’m comfortable. That’s not to say that I was uncomfortable with all of Jerry’s stuff, but there were times when I felt like I was being squeezed out of this house because he kept adding more and more stuff.

Anyway by the time Christmas Eve rolled around, I’d cleaned vacuumed, scrubbed floors, straightened, & hand washed all the dishes and glasses that were to be used for the Christmas Dinner.

I went to bed Christmas Eve feeling pretty good. Jesse on the other hand, was sick to his stomach a couple of times during the night and I ended up cleaning the carpet (spot cleaning) at least once.

Christmas Day, Jesse & I went on our usual walk, came home, and then I started cooking Christmas Dinner. About 1:00PM, I texted my neighbors telling them dinner would be ready about 3. I didn’t hear back from them.

Dinner was ready by 3 and I kept everything warm until 4. When I still hadn’t heard anything, I went ahead and ate. I’d put a lot of effort into everything. I decided that even if they weren’t going to come over, I was going to enjoy the meal I’d prepared.

So I did. The ham was good, the wine was a nice pairing and the other portions of the meal were tasty.

I may have enjoyed it alone, but I demonstrated to myself that I know how to lay out a decent table if I’m entertaining. Moreover, I’m not dependent on anyone else but me to be happy.

I am very tired today and I’m not going to do anything. Hell, I may even take an old man nap. Sometime within the next few days, I’ll start taking the Christmas stuff down. The plan is to consolidate and repack the Christmas stuff, so that it’s easier to identify and perhaps move.

Tomorrow I’m planning to resume the job search and if I’m lucky perhaps I’ll land something that I can do remotely.

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Wow, Twitter is dangerous for me

Not really, but it is very easy to lose time with it.

Why is this on my mind today?

Long story short, I was reading the morning news, after reading today’s thought in The Daily Stoic.

A news article led me to a tweet, which I opened to read. That led me to the news that a nice person I’d interacted with via Twitter, in Canada died on the 6th.

He’d gone to the hospital a day or two before with chest pain and the hospital decided he wasn’t having a problem, therefore wasn’t an emergency and the hospital staff put him back in the waiting room. After spending 6 hours in the waiting room he said “fuck it,” and went home.

Apparently he died at home. He was 39.

I was taken back to Jerry’s death and the way the hospital here and our medical people treated him, then him dying at home. Which led me to doom scrolling through twitter. 

All of this ties oddly back to The entry in The Daily Stoic, which is talking about everything ending. Empires, to lives everything ends. It doesn’t do well to dwell on it, but it’s equally not good to ignore that time is a predator that stalks us all.

And that leads back to twitter/ X. Which is insidious in the manner in which it steals our time, while not providing a lot in the way of tangible benefit. 

I was right all though years ago when I walked away from social media. I’ll be walking away from social media again real soon.

I have other things that I want to do rather than pissing my life away engaging with almost nightmarish insanity that social media is, and always has been.

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Sunday… At least it’s sunny.

Yesterday my chores got rained out. Boo hoo.

Today it’s sunny and windy and some of my chores might get cancelled today as well. I’m gonna cry me a river about that.

While Jesse & I were walking yesterday we did encounter the rainbow in the picture. I don’t thing Jesse appreciated it as completely as he might have but he was enjoying smelling the smells that the mist had awakened all over the trail.

I did indoor chores, laundry, cleaning, cooking & such. I’ve been trying to make a few meals ahead, and making things that I can use in multiple ways. 

So the day wan’t a complete waste even though it did get sort of gloomy.

As usual I was thinking about things and the future. 

I’ve decided that I really want to find a job of some kind. How I”m going to go about that I don’t really know, I’ve grown tired of job search sites and all their bullshit. Simultaneously I’m over creating infinitely varied versions of my resume to cater to some HR system software that does nothing but waste my time because some idiotic bimbo can’t read words and apply a “might fit” algorithm. 

Hmmm. Perhaps I shouldn’t refer to them as HR bimbos.

Ya THINK???

After four years of beating my head against a wall it’s really tough to not be pissed off when dealing with these unthinking bureaucratic functionaries who are the gatekeepers of the most Holy HR database.

Every time I sit down to search for a job I’m kind triggered into a rage at the way I’ve been treated over the past 4 – 8 years by snot nosed shitheads that don’t use English words with actual definitions, but instead use English words as approximations of meaning. 

This gives them “wiggle room” to pass the blame if something doesn’t work out.

I am what I am, I like me, I can engage in words with actual definitions at 50 paces and win. All I want is a job. I don’t want to be in management, I don’t want to be a team lead, I just want to do my job, produce results and move on to the next thing.

I don’t want to deal with political infighting or bullshit. I don’t much care about whatever the cause de jour is, I just want to work quietly.

Anyhow, I have a dog pawing me to go for a walk. He’s got a good point, it’s a beautiful day.

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It’s going to be one of those nights!

I’m sleepy but can’t sleep. Jesse is spun up about something. He’s acting like he’s scared, but there’s nothing new or strange in the house. I don’t hear anything if I’m out on the deck with him. 

Sometimes he’ll do this if there are coyotes roaming the neighborhood. Tonight isn’t one of those nights.

I was writing a little on one of my stories. I’m just not into it. My mind is wandering all over the place. I remembered that I’m an adult male and I’m allowed to have a drink once in a while. I poured myself a bit of Jack Daniel’s then waited for Jesse to come back in.

He’s lying behind me now in the office. He’s not dozing as he usually does. He’s watching me.

I’ve tried searching the HAM radio bands for some other insomniac. It looks like tonight, I’m the only one who can’t sleep. That’s actually nice, I wish the other insomniac HAMS pleasant dreams and deep sleep.

I tried scanning “X” for anything of interest. That was a wasted effort. X is not as toxic as it once was, but after the election, it looks like a bunch of the Democrat snowflakes are fleeing to a new platform called Bluesky. The funny part of that is they’re running over to the supposed “Safe Space” and finding it not so safe. They’re reporting each other for violations of the “Happiness code” a.k.a. Terms of Service. They can’t blame us. Conservatives aren’t moving over to the new platform, the left is eating their own in this situation. The funny thing is that the leftists are signing back into X to complain about Bluesky. Bluesky itself reported publicly that they’ve seen a 300% increase in reports of violations.

They can keep the lefties! I’m done with those dunderheads.

Ever since the election, there’s been a constant whining about truly stupid shit. Trump is gonna do this or that. Trump is gonna hunt people down, blah blah blah. If these people would at least try to learn something about the Government, the rules, and the laws. They’d be far less neurotic. They’re claiming Trump is going to use the military to hunt people down and put them in camps.

Wow! That one is by far, the stupidest. Here’s why.

There’s an act called The Posse Comitatus Act, it was signed into law in 1878 by President Rutherford Hayes. In other words it’s not new. In short it says you can’t use military personnel on US soil except under very specific circumstances. Think Disaster. Then only after the state national guard had run out of personnel and resources. 

It’s a really big deal to get around Posse Comitatus. Unless you modify the law, which Biden did about a month ago. So it’s Biden, not Trump who’s setting up to have military personnel open fire on civilians. That’s literally what the new “Guidance” says. Lethal force shall be authorized.

I don’t even want to think about how illegal and immoral that order, should it be given, would be. The UCMJ would get one hell of a workout.

Point is, Trump didn’t authorize this, Biden did.

Then there’s the matter of camps. For maybe a decade or more we’ve been hearing about the camps. First it was send the Gays to the camps, let them fuck each other to death with the AIDs. Then during COVID the lefties were saying that the Unvaccinated should be put in these supposed camps so they can COVID each other to death. Now the tranny activists are claiming that Trump is going to send all the Transpeople to the camps. Here we go again. 

The Trans people are truly morons. All Trump has to do is cut off the hormone supplies. We can watch in real time as you idiots revert to what your genetics dictate.  No need to put anyone in camps at all. Besides, those camps will be used to house the illegals while we figure out what plane to put ‘em on sending their asses home. We should probably tell the illegals that with Boeings recent issues, we can’t guarantee anymore than four in five flights won’t crash. With those odds, maybe they should start walking home.

Honestly, I’ve had a bellyful of the Trans bullshit. Every other day the Trans demand to be celebrated. Trans month (cause it ain’t pride anymore), Trans week, Trans this, Trans that. FUCK! Stop!

We’re sick to death of hearing that you cut something off your body. People losing a lung to cancer don’t talk about it this much. They too cut something off their bodies…

Never once have I heard of a doctor that said, “That cock and balls are a work of art and I will not deface God’s handiwork with my crude blade.”

That would be newsworthy, I’d actually read that article.

That you cut off your breasts or your cock & balls is of zero interest to me. I don’t care that you shoot up testosterone or estrogen in the bathroom like a heroin addict. Leave me the fuck out of it!

I’ve noticed that X is a lot more interesting because there’s a lot less Trans. Unfortunately, now we’re dealing with Maori oppression and someone in New Zealand doing a Maori war chant or challenge.

That’s mildly interesting, now we have crazed white women cosplaying this too. Obviously it’s for nothing more than attention. It seems crazed liberal white women can’t stand not being the center of attention.

Ladies, go find a hunky, hairy, muscular, masculine, big dicked man, ask to sleep with him and go at it until you tap out. Have a baby, find God, do something, anything, to be productive.

Dressing up like handmaids tale, screaming into the camera from your expensive car or from your nice suburban home, shaving your head, closing your legs, or whatever the fuck else you’re doing, is wasting your time and only making you unhappy.

Get busy and focus on your career, put all that energy into making real substantial change. If you’re lucky enough to find a man that loves you, have children so that you & he can change the future by leaving a legacy of your values behind in your children.

Cause ladies… ain’t nobody interested in your screaming diatribe. At this point when we see you on our screens and swipe quickly by, it’s always the same high pitched banshee wailing. You’ve all literally become interchangeable. “Oh look, another, of a thousand screaming cunts,” Next!

Ahhh, Jesse has gone to bed. I can hear him snoring in the bedroom. It’s time for me to try to get to sleep myself.

Pleasant nightmares.

Later in the Morning…

I came back and made some edits to fix spelling errors and clean up a point or two. Rereading, this morning it could be construed that I was advocating for violence against the crazy liberal white women. That wasn’t the intent. As I mentioned I’d scanned X and apparently had seen one too many videos of bald angry white women screaming into the void. 

I really shouldn’t be quick to press publish when I write and have been drinking.

That being said…

Ladies, Kamala LOST. One of the reasons she lost is because like you, she’s thoroughly unlikable and fundamentally flawed as a human being. She’s in her 60s and is unlikely to change very much. Most of you on the other hand are young and you have an opportunity to change and grow.

I beg you, please seize that opportunity. 

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Brrrr! First snow of the season

We got a light dusting of snow last night. I suspect that the white fluffy hides a bunch of ice so I’ll be walking very carefully on manmade surfaces until it warms up a bit.

The temp is a balmy 29°F at the moment.

I wasn’t wanting to spend another winter here, but here I am. I’ll make the best of it as I always do. I probably wouldn’t mind so much if the county plowed our street, but they don’t, and I’m not looking forward to the winter workouts. 

I’ve replaced a bunch of threadbare socks with nice wool ones. I’ve replaced my worn out “goto” boots with a new pair. My various seasonal jackets will hold together for another year so I guess I’m mostly set. 

I’ll be stocking up on soups and lay in some other food supplies over the next few shopping trips to make sure there’s food in case I get snowed in.

It’s time to fill the overly complicated annoying “safer” gas can. I’m going to need it full of gas to fill the snow thrower soon.

Honestly the stupid thing seems to be a fill it once then toss it, because the vapor pressure caused by temperature changes has deformed the plastic permanently. It’s 1 year old. I had metal cans that were 20 years old before the house fire.

This new fangled complicated abomination has a ratcheted locking ring to keep the fill cap on. Due to the deformation of the plastic, it can’t be pressed down against the can, far enough to release. So I can’t get the top off to refill the POS.

God! I miss the old fashioned standard metal gas cans we grew up with. The flexible “snake” pour spout was the most complicated thing about ‘em. And all those metal cans, had a little plug in the top that you popped open when you filled them, or poured the gas. It equalized the pressure and prevented the glug glug that caused spills.

Hmmm. I’m thinking tin snips and a little brute force engineering will solve the problem on the current gas can. I don’t want to pay another $15 for a single use gas can. Besides, I thought these “improvements” were supposed to make things better & safer.

Because of the “Safety” features, I’m going to have a go at, a partially filled, pressurized, (pressure release? We don’t need no stinking pressure release,) gas can with a metal implement in an attempt to get the damn cap off. Yeah, that’s a lot safer!

I swear, the older I get the more I appreciate the KISS principal!

Speaking of which, I might treat myself and buy a new snow shovel. My favorite one, (we have several,) is a little tattered. It might make it through another Winter, but then again, It might not. I don’t really want to spend money on winter gear if I’m not going to be living someplace where it’s necessary.

I did treat myself to an un-necessary but convenient little device. While shopping for my nice wool socks, I bought one of those little headlamp deals. I used it a lot while I was cleaning the garage the other day. It was nice being able to peer into dark corners to see if something was peering back at me.

At one time we had two of these headlamp things. We’d received them as gifts, but Jerry used them more than I did. Now, I can only find one of the two, and it seems a little flakey. I’m thinking Jerry wore out one, switched to the other, and was well on his way to wearing out the second one. They were large, heavy, and clunky. I found them uncomfortable and they tended to have a lot of light shining back in my eyes, in addition to illuminating the area I was facing.

This new one is smaller, brighter, more directional, and I can change the brightness.

It wasn’t necessary, but I’m using it in the basement going through boxes of stuff and it was cheaper than some of the work lights I was looking to purchase.

I can also see using this one if I move someplace where Jesse & I take walks in the evening. That was a lesson learned while we were evacuated due to the fire. Jesse has a “Disco Light” that I use in the evenings to make him more visible, but if I’m not carrying a flashlight I’m invisible. Having a light is also helpful when I’m bagging his poo.

Winter preparation chores are upon me. It’s time for me to shut down the external hose bibs, and trim the chocolate flower next to the walkway. I let it grow wild throughout the Spring & Summer because the honey bees like it. In Fall, I trim it back to almost the ground because it interferes with clearing snow. 

It’s strange, last year I was still reeling in reaction to Jerry’s passing. I wasn’t really feeling it. 

This year, I feel it very sharply.

This time of year, Jerry would be doing things for the church or the temple, he’d be laying in canned goods and doing the inside stuff to prepare for Winter. I’d be outside, trimming plants, and securing various items for the freezing temperatures, I’d be adding mulch to protect their roots, cleaning the dryer vent, moving things around to make snow clearing easier, and I’d be whistling the whole time. If it was cold while I was working, Jerry would call me in every couple of hours to drink something warm. It was the inverse of our Spring / Summer routine.

Doing the chores now, and being present, (to use an overused “woo woo” term,) makes the loss a bit sharper and yet not overwhelming as it seemed last year. I guess I’ll count that in the “Win” column. I suspect it means I’m healing and coming to some sense of peace. 

I miss him. I always will. Yes, I’m doing the stuff that needs to be done. Only now I realize I was doing that stuff for him, for Us, and it was about making us comfortable. Somehow, when I come in from the various chores, the house seems oppressively silent. This is the second winter without him, and it’s feeling a lot harder than the first. Harder isn’t the right word, poignant? That seems to be a better fit, but doesn’t really capture the breadth of it.

All that being said, it is a beautiful day outside. Yeah it’s cold, but the sun is bright and it’ll warm up while Jesse and I are on our walk. I think it’s time to get up from this desk and go enjoy nature. It will make Jesse happy, and most of the time I end up smiling or laughing at his antics.

We encountered a portable generator yesterday. He didn’t know what to make of it and didn’t like it. So, he decided it was appropriate to bark at the little red block.

The workmen and I were all laughing but Jesse was undeterred in telling the machine that it was on our walking path. I took a knee and told Jesse it was okay, then one of the workmen kindly turned the machine off until Jesse & I were well away from their work area.

I’m curious to see what today brings.

Carpe Diem!