Author: wwducat

3 years ago today I was looking at the burned out hulk of my house. My vehicles were unusable, I had no money, no wallet, no car keys, and exactly 1 item of clothing that was mine (a bathrobe).  I was wondering what to do next, and frankly I was at a complete loss.

My other half was walking around at least as perplexed as I was and neither of us had any idea about anything Other than we were missing 5 pets… And a house!

I knew the two retrievers had gotten out but had a terrible feeling about the 3 unaccounted for pets. As it turned out they died that night. I buried them myself several days later. I occasionally visit the spot, suppose I’ll be brushing away the pine needles sometime after sunrise.

I’m writing this at 1 in the morning, I just can’t sleep.

This is the first anniversary where I’ve been unable to sleep since that night.

The fire consumed the house between 3 and 4 am. Tonights sleeplessness is like an itch in the back of my head, like I’m waiting for something to happen, like I’m catching movement out of the corner of my eye. It’s maddening!

I know there is nothing there but for some reason the primitive part of my brain is on full alert.

Things even worked out OK. The house was rebuilt, the retrievers came home and I eventually got my stride back figuring out what to do next.

One of the dogs is dozing at my feet. He wakes up, checks on me nuzzles my toe then goes back to sleep like a sensible creature at this time of night.

He knows something is up with me. He’s not sure what it is but he’s going to look after me in any case.

That I have any pre-fire possessions at all,  I owe to  a small group of dedicated and loving friends. They simply would not let me chuck it all in the bin and move on. It’s a mixed blessing to be sure.

There were a surprising number of things that survived but most of my possessions were lost. Because of that, I appreciate the items that made it all the more.

I’ll run across something and it takes me back. But in all I’m thankful for those friends who loved me enough to fight me. They were keeping my best interests at heart even when I would not.

It’s funny to say it this way, but my friends are dogs.  Just like the real dog at my feet they look after me with unflinching dedication. I must let them know more often how much they mean to me. Especially when I have so dang few friends to begin with.

I’m very tired, my thoughts are not coherent. For some reason I keep flashing to that night and while I’m not reliving it completely I’m seeing images of things that stick out in my mind.

I was asleep even while evacuating. The most primitive part of my brain was processing data with nothing more than survival in mind. I guess that’s a reasonable place to be in an emergency situation.

I still feel guilty about the pets. I wonder if I’d been more alert and thinking with a little more 21st century brainpower could I have changed things.

The primitive says NOPE! definitely Not… Well who am I to argue?

Perhaps this is about letting go of the guilt. It’s a burden I’ve carried long enough.

The goofball sleeping on my foot forgave me… I’m going to follow his lead.

Forgive myself and go to bed.

In that order.

Also spent way too much money.

A nice lunch, and nice time sampling several different wines. There were bunnies, and great views.

I bought too much wine, had a lot of fun with a some of the folks in the tasting rooms. When we got home I discovered that I really need to drink more, OR need to open a shop.

Perhaps I could invite some nice people up to the house ply them with wine and have our way with each other. Now that’s got possibilities!

After the last winery I had the navigation bitch look up  a gun store  I’ve been wanting to visit for a while. I’ve been looking at 1911s, perhaps another Sig in the 229 series, and picking up a shotgun. Yeah with what money? I ask myself that all the time.

It was a short hop even in 5:00 traffic. When I walked in the door I was dumbfounded!

I shouldn’t have waited. They had many, many, guns!

There were; Rifles, pistols, shotguns, old guns, new guns, used guns, new guns and tons of ammunition.

It was amazing, considering that many times if you want to see the wares of more than one or two manufacturers you end up driving to 3 or more gun stores. Typically these places are small and invariably don’t have what you’re looking for.

The exception being BassPro. However in their case you often can’t even GET to the counters to see what they’ve got.

This store was very different. This was like being in a candy store that had received a year of shipments all at once. It reminded me of home, and similar places I’d been to with my Dad. I haven’t seen anything like this since I left the deep South, and for it to exist in California is almost beyond belief.

Not that I’m complaining but I was surprised, pleased, and will be heading back.

Sometimes there can be too many choices but at least now I have a place that I can compare different models side by side.

If you haven’t heard Linkin Parks’  A Thousand Suns I have to tell you it’s an album that is VERY WORTH your time.

I’ve at best been an interittent fan of Linkin Park, but their last two albums have been really enjoyable.

I finally got around to buying A Thousand Suns and wish I hadn’t been working my way so slowly down my musical “Gotta Buy” list.

I am not in general a fan of rap music and while Linkin Park uses some the syncopation associated with rap, they do it so well it’s punctuating their music, not THEIR ONLY musical style.

They also don’t reuse the same rhythm track that everyone else has used to death!

Most of this album and a lot of Lady Gaga The Fame Monster has ended up on my “Badboy” playlist.
I haven’t heard Born This way yet but it’s on the list.

The Badboy playlist is what I’ll be playing if I’m going “Off the Radar” and clubbing or just turning off the phone, then picking a direction and driving.

Here’s the list

I’m still working out the order but this usually gets me pumping and in the mood after a crappy day to go out and have some fun.

 Adult fun is good for the spirit! Wanna go be Bad with me???