Author: wwducat

About: Writer, Technology guy, Photographer, Possibly EX-Software QA Engineer, Worker Bee. Interests: SCUBA, Working out, Friends, New Views, New Vistas, Photography
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Was just thinking, I’m catching up with Hillary Clinton.

Since 1992 I’ve had 3 members of my immediate family die by suicide. In December I lost my Stepmother and her husband to natural causes.

In January I lost my husband of 34 years.

I bring you all up to date because there have been some of his friends who keep telling me they know how I feel.

In short, they don’t!

These folks are trying to be kind and supportive. They wax on and on about how difficult it was for them to lose a sibling or a parent. Then they start telling me how I should live my life now.

My friends, those who really know me, have been very supportive and kind. They’ve taken a step back and responded instantly when I’ve asked for help. They’ve done what I asked, maybe made a suggestion or two to make things go smoother and then butted out.

They’re the ones, who like my brothers are concerned, but respect me enough to let me work through this gut punch in my own way. They’ll text or call just randomly to ask how I’m doing and that tells me I’m in their thoughts. They’ve lost parents and siblings, but they’re not banging on about their trauma. They’re providing a wall of strength, occasional guidance when asked, and staunch solid support.

The only people who know how I feel, are those who’ve lost their spouses. There have been a couple of folks who’ve come to me privately offering support or a shoulder. Some of them, I didn’t even know had lost their spouse. I thought they’d been through the more common event of divorce and were single by choice.

I appreciate their support and kindness. I think that them putting themselves in a position where my spouse’s death could reopen their old wounds takes a lot of courage. Maybe someday I’ll have that same courage, but I don’t see that in my immediate future.

To the people that would tell me, “I know just what you’re feeling…”

I say this.

Until you’ve bagged up shirts, pants, suits, ties, and shoes that you saw your spouse wear often, into garbage bags to go to a donation site. You have no fucking idea what I’m feeling.

Until you’ve occupied a house where the grim reaper’s handiwork is laying on your bedroom floor for 9 hours, You don’t know shit.

Until you’ve cried yourself to sleep out of guilt and loneliness after masturbation. No words, anecdotes, or over sharing of your personal drama even compares.

Until the future you’ll have to forge into alone yawns before you, almost everything you think you know is absolute and complete bullshit.

Nothing prepares anyone for losing a spouse that you’ve spent almost your entire adult life with. It’s massive! It’s a kick to the balls and the kicking just doesn’t stop.

Telling me “You’ll have to sell object X, Y, or Z,” to keep the lights on, mentioning a person’s name over and over but not providing a phone number after repeatedly being asked to do so isn’t helpful.

It’s cruel! Especially when the person you mentioned is hidden behind multiple websites with no fucking phone number on any of them. It’s also not helpful at all to keep saying that the objects in question are valuable. Duhhhh! I fucking paid for them! The objects in question are also not the kind of things that sell like hotcakes, especially in this economy. Which means these objects are not instant income streams. Despite what you think.

So for those of you who keep saying, “I know just how you feel,” shut the hell up!

You’re not being supportive. You’re not helping, all you’re doing is ripping the bandage off again and again and pissing me off. I’ve got better things to do right now than listen to you blather on about your trauma and attempting to use me as a free psychologist.

You deal with your own shit and leave me to deal with mine.

Yeah… There are some phone calls you just let go to voicemail!

I’m getting better at that every freakin day.

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Life Events

We’re all getting older.

Deny it all you will, it’s a fact.  Currently, on my mantle is an urn. It’s a nice simple shape.

It contains the cremains of my Significant Other. We had 34 years together; some good, some bad, but the important thing is we endured the hard times and celebrated the good times.

There’s a finality to that urn. It’s like a stake in the ground that says, “From here you go on alone.”

Now, there’s all the paperwork and complications. There’s the digging through documents and trying to find accounts and pay for this, that, and the other thing. There are originals and copies of proof of death to be sent to various organizations. It’s complicated, litigious, and annoying.

There’s cleaning, and organizing of all the little bits of stuff that my S.O. considered important enough to keep and deciding the validity of each thing. Should the silly coffee mug from some professional conference be kept? It means nothing to me. But it was a cup that frequently was on the breakfast table. I suppose, in that, some objects have attained sentimental value, but are they important enough to keep?

How do you decide? What merits an object’s inclusion in a cabinet when everything in the house is something you remember picking out together? When your home is full of memories, how do you weight one item over the rest?

There are items that should be returned to my S.O.s family. I’ve been collecting those because these items have historical significance to the family and should be passed on. Like other objects they have little significance to me personally, but to the family they are bits and pieces of their history. The family should have the opportunity to accept or reject these items.

Our home is full of memories. These memories come unbidden at random times and they can be paralyzing.

Then there are all the good people who don’t know what to say or do. There’s really nothing they can say or do, this pain is mine. I appreciate their well wishes and concern. But really there’s little they can do to help, short of standing with me.

There are those among the friends of my S.O. for whom drama seems to be necessary. For them, sharing their trauma of losing a parent or sibling is supposed to be helpful. In reality their repetitive oversharing is just ripping the bandage off the wound.

It’s not that they mean to be cruel. They just don’t understand that grieving a spouse seems to be a private affair. Losing a spouse is very different from losing a parent or sibling. I’ve experienced all three now. The spouse, is a completely different experience.

When you’re growing up, you come to understand that death is part of life. You understand there’s an order to things. You eventually realize that your parents will one day, not be there, and you usually have a long time to come to grips with that concept. Often, your parents, realizing their own mortality, provide you with guidelines and instruction. It’s not overt, but you see your grandparents pass on and by observation you learn how to come to grips with that inevitably.

When your parents pass on, you grieve following your parent’s example of grieving their parents.

When your spouse passes on, you have some rudimentary coping mechanisms but those don’t really fit. You’re in uncharted waters and each day brings new and different pain.

You see something that your spouse left behind. For example, a mess, and your first thought is to be irritated by it, then you remember your spouse is gone. That’s when you feel guilt about being irritated with them, and grief washes over you. Then you wonder if you were good enough to them, were you petty when you expressed your irritation about them leaving messes in their wake.

Should you have been more patient and loving? Then you’re back to guilt.

You don’t really have time to process your feelings because there are plans and decisions to be made.

The love of your life may be at peace, but you’re anything but…

I’ve found myself losing hours of a day over something trivial. I’ve been awakened by the dog in the night because unbeknownst to me I was crying in my sleep. It’s a strange feeling to be awakened by your dog kissing tears away. In the dim moonlight I can see the dog’s concerned eyes. Once I’m awake, he lays down next to me with one paw on my arm, as if to say, “I’m here Dad, it’s going to be alright.”

I’m anthropomorphizing the dog. He doesn’t really understand, but he’s aware something fundamental has changed in our home.

Grief appears to be a journey. It’s not one that I’m prepared for, and not one that any of us have a choice in undertaking.

I’m getting the feeling that this is also a long journey.

All of which is to say, I’m likely to be writing intermittently at best.

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I know it’s not nice… But it’s funny anyway!

San francisco geyser v0 OL4RldfMiV6NIONHfntiChoWnvz 6LHAiFg9gINZr7EDue to the heavy rains in California San Francisco is experiencing “Sewer Geysers”

I’ve seen a couple of videos and they’re spectacular. 

I guess God got tired of looking at the filth and people shitting on the sidewalks and decided to flush the toilet.

San Francisco’s storm drains couldn’t handle the amount of rain and as the water backed up it looks like there was enough force to blow the lids off manhole covers. Maybe God is pressure washing the city?

When the sun comes out, the people still attempting to live in the city will have clean streets and no stench for at least a couple of days. This reminder of the beauty that once was San Francisco will probably be a bitter pill for the people to swallow when the city returns to it’s “New Normal” of shit, trash, and used needles in the streets.

Perhaps it will spur the residents of the city to raise hell with the city government.

Looking at the weather forecast I almost wish I had some business in the city. I’d like to see San Francisco as I remember it.

I wonder if the homeless encampments were washed away too? Will the governor pass out new cardboard boxes or will he leave that to FEMA?

Several new laws went into effect in California as of today.

SB 107: Sanctuary State’ for ‘Transgender Kids – Totally expected and I weep for those kids getting sucked into the Medical Machine.
AB 2098: COVID Misinformation
AB 2147: Decriminalizing Jaywalking Because of Racism
SB 1375: Allowing Nurses to Perform Abortions Without Doctors
SB 357: Decriminalizing Loitering for Prostitution
AB 257: State Control of Fast Food Restaurants ON HOLD This is just what we need, More Socialist control.

I am particularly amused by AB-2098.

Essentially this bill says that any doctor who spreads misinformation about COVID-19 can be punished by the California Medical Board. Okay… But what is misinformation about COVID-19? Do Doctors still have to say that the vaccines are safe and effective? Statistics from the CDC are showing that at least one part of that statement is not entirely correct.

The bill (which is now law) states that the FDA approved the COVID-19 vaccines. Well yes, under an Emergency Use Authorization. Text in the bill also states that the unvaccinated are more likely to suffer severe COVID-19, but recent information from the CDC appears to suggest that this is changing. There is also a Lancet report that I can’t access, the phenomenon is mentioned in a Washington Post article linked here.

This is not to say it’s completely inverted, but at some point, there has to be acknowledgement that the vaccines are not as effective as they were originally touted to be. Is it misinformation to say that?

The question then becomes can a doctor in California lose their license for reporting to patients truth about current research and trends, if that data conflicts with the actual text ensconced in a law?

I’m amused, because this is a prime example  of why you don’t allow politicians to engage in censorship in general, and the Medical field in particular.

Laws take a while to enact, in this case the law is in error on the day it goes into effect.

I can hardly wait for the first lawsuits from Doctors against the state because the Doctor is keeping up with the current research and runs afoul of the information clearly enumerated in the law.

I found the whole pallet of laws caused a WTF? Moment for me.

Giving someone a ticket for jaywalking is racist?

Say what? Apparently, people who jaywalk are often poor and can’t pay the fine. So jaywalking is now apparently legal. That’s going to work really well when jaywalkers start getting hit by cars. Not to mention the opportunity this presents to folks who want to win “The Ghetto Lottery” by stepping out in front of slow moving vehicles, especially vehicles that look like the driver is rich.

Nurses being allowed to perform abortions?

What could possibly go wrong in that scenario? Hell I get concerned when I’m having to deal with a Nurse Practitioner and honestly except in very rare circumstances I’d rather see a full fledged doctor because of the limitations on Nurse Practitioners. The kicker is that seeing a Nurse Practitioner is just as expensive as seeing a doctor so what’s the fucking point in that?

A 5 second spray of liquid nitrogen on a potential skin cancer spot is one hell of a lot more efficient and cheaper than a four week prescription for some weak assed drug cream that is a pain in the ass to work with or wholly ineffective in the first place. But a Nurse Practitioner isn’t allowed to use the liquid nitrogen because that’s “Surgery”.

An abortion is one hell of a lot more dangerous and invasive than a spritz of liquid nitrogen!

Loitering for the purposes of prostitution is okay.

But prostitution is still illegal? The state legislators just nibbled on the barrel there. Just make prostitution legal and be done with it. It’s gotta be racist, sexist, or some ‘ist’ to prosecute prostitutes. They’re just trying to make a living aren’t they?

I totally understand why people in “flyover states” read about California just for laughs.

I can hardly wait for my brother to call and tease me about living here and asking me why I’m still here.

It’s in good fun, he lives in a state the has some serious fuck ups too, but those fuckups are usually at an individual moronic person level, not the whole dang government.

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Happy New Years Eve

I think I speak for everyone when I say, “I hope 2023 is a better year!”

Given the performance of the past few years… I’m not holding my breath!

Hope springs eternal.

I’m not going to bother with a recap of the year. I think it’s probably sufficient to say if 2023 is anything like 2022 or 2021 or 2020 then I’m gong to invest in some Wellingtons. I may have to walk through shit, but I don’ have to have it on my shoes. The question is, do Wellingtons come in thigh high sizes or only up to the knees? Maybe a good set of wading boots/pants would be a better option.

I’ll leave the recaps to CNN or Tucker Carlson. They do a better job of it anyway.

2022 is closing out with a bang for me and my extended family. Hospitalizations, Trips to ER, Dementia, Funerals, and Stitches. 

For me it’s nightmares every night. I’m not talking about minor stuff, I’m talking full on sweats and waking up panicked unsure of where I am. It takes me an hour or so to calm down enough to go back to sleep and the hell of it is that when I wake up, I don’t remember anything about the nightmare.

I’m hoping that turning the page on a new year, will also turn the page on the nightmares and I’ll have a decent night’s sleep. You’ll pardon me if I don’t ring in the New Year by staying up until midnight. I’ll be content falling asleep at the usual time and sleeping through the night, The Rapture, or Armageddon, whichever comes first.

If I sleep through The Rapture, at least there’ll be no traffic although the freeways may be blocked. I probably wouldn’t notice, screwed up freeways are just another day in Southern California!

That’s actually a darkly funny plot line. Imagine a story where The Rapture happened, and some poor schmo slept through it, missing the bus so to speak, and didn’t really notice. What would that look like? The guy gets up, keeps going to work, and takes years to figure out that he’s missed the bus. If he’s in a city like New York, San Francisco, Chicago, or Los Angeles it’s possible. Maybe he keeps getting hints from his guardian angel but he’s so used to things being weird he doesn’t notice them. Maybe the hints are appointments in his calendar that he keeps missing because oddball events delay him on the way. I wonder if you could have fun with his guardian angel being pissed off about it?

It might be fun to try writing something like that. 

Have a good and safe night. I promise I won’t call anyone before noon out of courtesy to your hangovers.

Happy New Year everyone.

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Oh Whoopie! You really need to stop.

Whoopie Goldberg (Cultural Appropriation Much,) has once again described The Holocaust as not racial but instead White on White Violence. In an interview with the The Times UK Whoopie said the same kind of thing that got her banned from the screech fest TV show The View for a couple of weeks

Okay Whoopie, by your logic then no-one should care that Sunni’s and Shia are killing each other in Iraq. Or for that matter that Russians are killing off Ukrainians and vice versa. It’s Iraq on Iraq violence or White people killing White people in the Ukraine/ Russia conflict.

Both groups are from the same ethnic stock and so any war crimes that are committed are of no concern, ideological differences be damned right?

Cool, now that we know the rules. Why are we dumping a shit ton of money into the Ukraine/ Russia conflict?

I know now, I don’t have to give a runny shit about Crips & Bloods killing each other in cities across America. It’s black on black crime that is ideologically based, great! No worries.

Me being evil in that I’m white, I think my next career will be selling guns and ammo to both sides. Hey if I’m damned because I’m white I might as well have plenty of the root of all evil in my pocket too. OH! Maybe that’s why we’re dumping a shit ton of money into the Ukraine / Russia conflict. Our government is funding weapons sales and making some gunrunners somewhere filthy fucking rich.  D’Uh!

Technically Whoopie, you’re kinda being a Holocaust denier. You know, like Kanye West, I don’t understand the part of the rulebook where you get to say this kind of crap and get away with it, and Kanye says similar stuff and he’s the bad guy. I’m obviously missing the nuance. Is the difference that you’re rabidly Democrat and Kanye had dinner with Trump?

I’m just asking because with the rules changing so damn fast these days, I cannot seem to find a Rosetta Stone to keep up.

I hope this time ABC fires you. Maybe if we’re really lucky, they’ll cancel The View entirely. It would be a welcome relief to never read the opinions of those harridans in the print media. You’d think not watching that dumpster fire show would insulate me from the idiocy portrayed there daily. Alas no, for some reason national print media think The View is legitimate or relevant.