Month: February 2023

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More Snow… Oh happy day

So the forecast calls for another ten inches possibly in the next 24 hours.

Wonderful!

The winds are kicking up too, so being outside is truly miserable. The dog walked outside, stood on the deck for a moment then turned around and came in. Even he’s over all this now. 

I was able to take yesterday off which is a good thing. My knees were starting to complain a lot.

I’ve got food so I’m not going to starve but I think it’s going to take a long time to be able to get the car out.. 

I don’t have to be anywhere thankfully.

One of my neighbors is super pissed off at his employer of 19 years. They’re bitching at him to come to work. He pointed out that the roads are closed and have been for almost a week. He directed them to the CHP and CalTrans both of whom say there are closures and travel restrictions. 

His employer’s response…

No you can’t use your vacation days. No, you can’t take the time unpaid, You chose to live there. So your job is now in jeopardy.

WTF? 

That’s like telling someone after an earthquake or mudslide, “Well you chose to live in California.” Or telling someone who lives near the coast, “You chose to live near the ocean, so missing work due to a tsunami is your fault.”

This is why employees typically, and justifiably hate their employers. It’s not necessarily your boss. It’s the HR and Executives dogmatically and heartlessly following a set of rules, policies and procedures. 

I’ve been though what my neighbor is going through now, with some of my previous employers. It truly sucks and stresses you out in addition to dealing with the shit you’re facing.  It also places people at risk.

Years ago, I spun out on icy roads and trashed my vehicle due to threat of losing my job. When I got back to work in a rental car a day or two later. HR demanded to see the CHP accident report. I gave them a copy of the report and then told the HR director to go fuck herself while I was being “counseled” for my unexcused absence. She was truly surprised that I quit on the spot. I didn’t need to clean out my desk and didn’t. I grabbed my backpack and walked out. She called security trying to have them stop me from leaving. Yeah, it was that important to her to have the last word. The security guy waved me through the door with a big grin. He whispered, “Fuck that cunt,” as I walked out.

I’m hoping now that San Bernardino has declared an emergency that the neighbor gets his employer off his back. 

I understand the concept of employers being about making profit and that employees facilitate that profit. I’m good with it.

However, blaming someone for where they live is out of bounds. This storm is an unusual event and storms like this happen only once in ten to fifteen years. You’d think that an employer could look at the situation with heart not just through the lens of rules and regulations.

I’ll note that none of the employers in my history EVER once said, “Thank you for staying in a hotel so you can be here during a major storm at your home.“

They were very quick to berate me when something unforeseen prevented me from being at work.

Employers will happily fuck over every employee with bullshit rules about gender equity and trans rights so they can virtue signal. But be a “Normal” person who’s shown up, & done your job, for years… Oh you’re disposable.

It’s not nice, but I really hope my neighbor’s boss and his union representative have the roads to their homes inundated by a mud slide. I think that it might be funny for them to have a taste of their own medicine. 

If I was my neighbor, I’d be waiting to tell my boss and the union rep, “Well you chose to live in that area…”

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The Dog has more common sense

IMG 2561Here is a picture of the dog this morning. He has no appreciation for all the effort I put into clearing the deck and the stairs so that he could get down to his yard.

He literally went down stairs, peed, and this was him immediately after he’d finished. 

Note the ears, that’s his “Oh HELL NO,” attitude.

IMG 2557

While my driveway was clear yesterday.  The snowfall over night was enough to park waist high snow in it.

This is without question the worst snowstorm I’ve seen in 30 some od years up here. 

Global Warming… My ass! 

I’m kidding, I know that you cannot judge the validity of climate change by only one storm. I’ve also been here long enough that I remember 3 similar storms occurring about every 10 years or so.

IMG 2580This one is the worst but only by a foot or so of snow. I don’t remember one being so late in the season. But conditions were apparently just right.

It’s the luck of the draw. Some years there’s not a lot of snow, other years the snowfall is pretty evenly spaced out and years like this, Winter saves it all up and hits you just when you’ve put the snow shovels away.

IMG 2572The lump in one of the photos is a car. I don’t know exactly how much snow we got. I can tell you that there’s no place to pile it up anymore. 

We got a break for a couple of hours this afternoon and then got hit again with heavy snow for a few hours. It’s tapering off now but it added about 3 inches to the grand total. After I’d managed to dig a trail from the base of my stairs out to the street.

It was annoying, but that’s the breaks.

The main street that comes into our neighborhood has not been plowed. No-one is going anywhere until that street is done and even then, it might take a couple of days of sun and warm temperatures before it’s a sure bet we’ll be able to get back up the street.

IMG 2568Going down won’t be a problem. Gravity will see to that getting back up the street is the hat trick.

I’ll work on posting some other photos later.

Right now I’m exhausted and thinking about heading to bed early.

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I thought we were done with Winter.

Uh NOPE!

IMG 2547We have blizzard warnings here in Southern California. What???

It’s been snowing pretty consistently for the past 24 hours. Thankfully it’s been light and fluffy instead of the wet heavy stuff.

That being said, it’s very windy and bitterly cold. Today 28°F is warmer than it was yesterday. The wind chill is making it feel like 18°F.

The dog who loves snow, wanted out. When I opened the door the wind kicked up blowing a bunch of icy snow in his face. He looked at me, then turned around and curled up on the couch. I’ve never seen him do that before.

I’m going to have another cup of coffee and breakfast, then I’ll bundle up and get to work. I’ll have to fire up the snow blower to pitch in with the other neighbors to keep the road open.

IMG 2550Finding places to pile the snow is going to be a problem. We’re expecting it to keep snowing until Sunday. Some forecasts call for up to 5 feet. For us it’s more likely to be 3 or 4 feet if the forecast is anywhere near right.

Then we’ll have a break for a day. The forecast calls for additional smaller storms until Wednesday.

On the plus side, I’ve got nothing to do except continuing to clean up stuff around the house. On the down side, I’ll run out of space in the trash bins and it’s likely the trash pickup will be delayed next week.

I’ll try to update this post with pictures once I get out in the neighborhood.

If you’re a skier or snowboarder, DON’T come up here right now. The roads are a real mess. Our resources are stretched thin and if you get into trouble, you’re probably going to be on your own.

IMG 2549Even in good conditions, you should travel with water, a bit of food, and extra, warm outfits. There’s nothing quite as uncomfortable as having to wear wet clothes in the cold.

Be Safe

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Was just thinking, I’m catching up with Hillary Clinton.

Since 1992 I’ve had 3 members of my immediate family die by suicide. In December I lost my Stepmother and her husband to natural causes.

In January I lost my husband of 34 years.

I bring you all up to date because there have been some of his friends who keep telling me they know how I feel.

In short, they don’t!

These folks are trying to be kind and supportive. They wax on and on about how difficult it was for them to lose a sibling or a parent. Then they start telling me how I should live my life now.

My friends, those who really know me, have been very supportive and kind. They’ve taken a step back and responded instantly when I’ve asked for help. They’ve done what I asked, maybe made a suggestion or two to make things go smoother and then butted out.

They’re the ones, who like my brothers are concerned, but respect me enough to let me work through this gut punch in my own way. They’ll text or call just randomly to ask how I’m doing and that tells me I’m in their thoughts. They’ve lost parents and siblings, but they’re not banging on about their trauma. They’re providing a wall of strength, occasional guidance when asked, and staunch solid support.

The only people who know how I feel, are those who’ve lost their spouses. There have been a couple of folks who’ve come to me privately offering support or a shoulder. Some of them, I didn’t even know had lost their spouse. I thought they’d been through the more common event of divorce and were single by choice.

I appreciate their support and kindness. I think that them putting themselves in a position where my spouse’s death could reopen their old wounds takes a lot of courage. Maybe someday I’ll have that same courage, but I don’t see that in my immediate future.

To the people that would tell me, “I know just what you’re feeling…”

I say this.

Until you’ve bagged up shirts, pants, suits, ties, and shoes that you saw your spouse wear often, into garbage bags to go to a donation site. You have no fucking idea what I’m feeling.

Until you’ve occupied a house where the grim reaper’s handiwork is laying on your bedroom floor for 9 hours, You don’t know shit.

Until you’ve cried yourself to sleep out of guilt and loneliness after masturbation. No words, anecdotes, or over sharing of your personal drama even compares.

Until the future you’ll have to forge into alone yawns before you, almost everything you think you know is absolute and complete bullshit.

Nothing prepares anyone for losing a spouse that you’ve spent almost your entire adult life with. It’s massive! It’s a kick to the balls and the kicking just doesn’t stop.

Telling me “You’ll have to sell object X, Y, or Z,” to keep the lights on, mentioning a person’s name over and over but not providing a phone number after repeatedly being asked to do so isn’t helpful.

It’s cruel! Especially when the person you mentioned is hidden behind multiple websites with no fucking phone number on any of them. It’s also not helpful at all to keep saying that the objects in question are valuable. Duhhhh! I fucking paid for them! The objects in question are also not the kind of things that sell like hotcakes, especially in this economy. Which means these objects are not instant income streams. Despite what you think.

So for those of you who keep saying, “I know just how you feel,” shut the hell up!

You’re not being supportive. You’re not helping, all you’re doing is ripping the bandage off again and again and pissing me off. I’ve got better things to do right now than listen to you blather on about your trauma and attempting to use me as a free psychologist.

You deal with your own shit and leave me to deal with mine.

Yeah… There are some phone calls you just let go to voicemail!

I’m getting better at that every freakin day.

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Life Events

We’re all getting older.

Deny it all you will, it’s a fact.  Currently, on my mantle is an urn. It’s a nice simple shape.

It contains the cremains of my Significant Other. We had 34 years together; some good, some bad, but the important thing is we endured the hard times and celebrated the good times.

There’s a finality to that urn. It’s like a stake in the ground that says, “From here you go on alone.”

Now, there’s all the paperwork and complications. There’s the digging through documents and trying to find accounts and pay for this, that, and the other thing. There are originals and copies of proof of death to be sent to various organizations. It’s complicated, litigious, and annoying.

There’s cleaning, and organizing of all the little bits of stuff that my S.O. considered important enough to keep and deciding the validity of each thing. Should the silly coffee mug from some professional conference be kept? It means nothing to me. But it was a cup that frequently was on the breakfast table. I suppose, in that, some objects have attained sentimental value, but are they important enough to keep?

How do you decide? What merits an object’s inclusion in a cabinet when everything in the house is something you remember picking out together? When your home is full of memories, how do you weight one item over the rest?

There are items that should be returned to my S.O.s family. I’ve been collecting those because these items have historical significance to the family and should be passed on. Like other objects they have little significance to me personally, but to the family they are bits and pieces of their history. The family should have the opportunity to accept or reject these items.

Our home is full of memories. These memories come unbidden at random times and they can be paralyzing.

Then there are all the good people who don’t know what to say or do. There’s really nothing they can say or do, this pain is mine. I appreciate their well wishes and concern. But really there’s little they can do to help, short of standing with me.

There are those among the friends of my S.O. for whom drama seems to be necessary. For them, sharing their trauma of losing a parent or sibling is supposed to be helpful. In reality their repetitive oversharing is just ripping the bandage off the wound.

It’s not that they mean to be cruel. They just don’t understand that grieving a spouse seems to be a private affair. Losing a spouse is very different from losing a parent or sibling. I’ve experienced all three now. The spouse, is a completely different experience.

When you’re growing up, you come to understand that death is part of life. You understand there’s an order to things. You eventually realize that your parents will one day, not be there, and you usually have a long time to come to grips with that concept. Often, your parents, realizing their own mortality, provide you with guidelines and instruction. It’s not overt, but you see your grandparents pass on and by observation you learn how to come to grips with that inevitably.

When your parents pass on, you grieve following your parent’s example of grieving their parents.

When your spouse passes on, you have some rudimentary coping mechanisms but those don’t really fit. You’re in uncharted waters and each day brings new and different pain.

You see something that your spouse left behind. For example, a mess, and your first thought is to be irritated by it, then you remember your spouse is gone. That’s when you feel guilt about being irritated with them, and grief washes over you. Then you wonder if you were good enough to them, were you petty when you expressed your irritation about them leaving messes in their wake.

Should you have been more patient and loving? Then you’re back to guilt.

You don’t really have time to process your feelings because there are plans and decisions to be made.

The love of your life may be at peace, but you’re anything but…

I’ve found myself losing hours of a day over something trivial. I’ve been awakened by the dog in the night because unbeknownst to me I was crying in my sleep. It’s a strange feeling to be awakened by your dog kissing tears away. In the dim moonlight I can see the dog’s concerned eyes. Once I’m awake, he lays down next to me with one paw on my arm, as if to say, “I’m here Dad, it’s going to be alright.”

I’m anthropomorphizing the dog. He doesn’t really understand, but he’s aware something fundamental has changed in our home.

Grief appears to be a journey. It’s not one that I’m prepared for, and not one that any of us have a choice in undertaking.

I’m getting the feeling that this is also a long journey.

All of which is to say, I’m likely to be writing intermittently at best.