Used to be a saying, “You can never find a cop when you need one.”

These days I suppose that may still be true. 

Personally, in my misspent youth i never had any trouble locating the police. More properly, they never had trouble zeroing in on where I had been. Usually by the time they got to the location, I was already gone. There was that one time when I took a page from Briar Rabbit. For some reason police don’t like trekking through swamps at 3am…

Go Figure!

Today, Lawyers are much worse than the Police ever were. They’re in everything we do. Funny thing about it is what happens when you’re actually calling a Lawyer and offering to pay them.

Over the past year, I’ve tried to engage no less than six lawyers and None of them have returned my call(s). I guess lawyering means that you don’t have to worry about income and you can afford to blow potential clients off.

Good for them, I guess. 

Bad for those of us stuck in an ever increasing web of rules, regulations, law, and general bullshit.  

Lawyers have a great scam going, they’ve complicated things to the point that they’re indispensable on the government side of the equation and then charge us obscene amounts of cash to provide guidance out of the mess.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but they’re about as specialized as doctors. Now you not only have to engage a lawyer, but you have to know which speciality of the law they practice.

GREAT! just what we all need, more complexity!

To illustrate the point, have you noticed that when you deal with an insurance company, or a utility, or virtually anything else lately, you get read a long assed list of terms & conditions that two sentences in, start sounding like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon?

“Blah Blah Blah”

Even renting a damn car there’s page after page after page of bullshit.

All of this bullshit is legalese and cannot possibly be comprehended by at least 25% of average people. Hey, read any newspaper in print or online and you’ll see that even ‘educated’ people, you know, the people who insist they’re our betters, can’t write worth a damn. We have people in professional positions that don’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re.

Given this, how can you possible expect ‘less educated‘ people to fully understand what the hell they’re signing and agreeing to after a barrage of several pages of legalese?

My Dad used to say that the best thing we could do for this country was put all the lawyers on a cruise ship, sail it out to the middle of the Atlantic and sink it.

I think his comment was based on two factors. 1) Lawyers complicate things. 2) Our government is rife with lawyers. 

Dad was always fond of the “Twofer”, and of doing business with a handshake. His word was his bond and to my knowledge he kept his word. There may be evidence to the contrary but let me keep my childlike illusions.

As a kid, I knew two things. Avoid entanglement with the law, and avoid, as much as possible, drawing the attention of the government:

Pay your taxes, don’t screw around with too many deductions and play it straight enough that the IRS, FBI, or any government agency didn’t come snooping.

Capone was our cautionary tale. Xaviera Hollander added a little color to my minimalist philosophy as I reached adulthood.

With rules, regulations, laws, and all the other complications in our lives it’s made me start to consider the following:

To play it straight, is automatically more expensive. To play the game loose and fast, keeps money in your pocket, and gets you to your goal faster.

Being a stand up guy means you’re going to get screwed. Nice guys don’t get shit except being shat upon, and honest people increasingly are being seen as fools.

So where does that leave us?

It leaves me considering coloring outside the lines. 

A quote from Captain Reynolds in Firefly or Serenity really rang true with me;

“Come a day there won’t be room for naughty men like us to slip about at all.”