Month: August 2016

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New smoke detectors in our future

This morning over a nice quiet cup of coffee. The remaining two smoke detectors in the house failed.

Busted POSs

Oh but they didn’t fail in a nice way, they failed and told me about it by going off full blast and not shutting up. (Why don’t these things ever fail gracefully. How about a beep pattern that says the unit had failed? Humm?)

I really do hate these things! In general I hate depressingly stupid machines, Protect me? Sure I’m up for that, but why not do it in an intelligent way with some fault tolerance and helpful warnings?

Let me give you the full scenario. I’d gotten out of bed and the house had been open all night. A nice cool breeze was  blowing occasionally through the house There’s no smoke, even though there are fires burning more or less local to the house. There is no smell of smoke and there was nothing cooking, no toast in the toaster, the oven wasn’t on, in fact no heat sources at all, except the life forms in the house.

It was a nice quiet morning, birds twittering in the trees, and I was enjoying watching the hummingbirds engaging in their morning aerial battles over the feeders. In short it was peaceful, and beautiful.

Then the ear shattering BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP at –120db began.

There is no way I can jump 15 feet in the air to yank these offending pieces of shit off the ceiling and they’re connected in a way that if one goes off, they all go off. So in short order every one of them is screaming and causing me intense pain. (My ears are still ringing)

A quick check around the house to determine if there might really be a fire confirms what my nose was telling me, NO FIRE!

Grab the keys, tromp down to the basement get the ladder and then…

I yanked the fucking machines off the ceiling!

I was not gentle. I was not kind. (BTW The ADT monitored smoke detector was, and is still mounted on the ceiling quietly saying nothing is wrong.)

Even after I yanked the fool machines off the ceiling disconnecting them from their external power source, they still screamed. I yanked the batteries out of them, and one had the audacity to scream even then.

It shut up with a satisfying BEEEoooow sound when it went crashing to the floor.

I am victorious! I killed the offending beast! GRRRRRR, I eyed the ADT unit daring it to make a sound. It was wise and remained absolutely silent.

Scared the poor dogs so bad they wet themselves.

After cleaning up the mess. I returned to my coffee.

New Hotness

So installation of NEST Protect units is on the agenda for today.

I’m hoping that they are built as smart as the advertisements say they are. In other words, I hope they can be shut up if they’re falsely alarming. It would be a pity for them to meet the same fate as their predecessors.

Well, that was more or less easy.

The NEST setup is interesting. You set the units up on your kitchen counter. In our case there is one for each bedroom and one in the hallway.

I set the hallway up first because it is the only one low enough for me to access the center button. (The Hall unit had failed many months ago and I’d already killed it. Which is why I only ripped two off the ceiling this morning.) 

The Hallway unit then linked the other two units, Named MasterBedroom and Bedroom to each other and presumably to the NEST Thermostat. 

About 1/2 hour of setting the units up, and 1/2 hour of unfucking the “Professional” electrician’s work and bingo, bango, bongo, I’m pressing the button on the hallway unit to tell it I want a full test.

“This is a test, please stand away from the Nest Protect, the siren is loud. Testing in 10, 9, 8,7,6…”

About  minute later, smoke and CO sensors each with their own sirens sounded, followed by a nice happy “All Clear” signal.

The thing says, “Finishing up… Everything is fine.”

That’s the way to do things!

Intelligent, efficient and polite.

I think I may actually like these machines.

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Millennials- Get off your asses!

Open letter to the bratty, spoiled, self entitled, narcissistic, Whah Whah millennials

Grow UP!

BritMillennialWhiner

Yes, we all see that you have a cell phone; who the hell doesn’t these days?

Yes, we see that you have friends (although obviously, they’re not friend enough to tell you that your wardrobe needs a serious overhaul) Spandex IS A PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT, you fat slovenly cow!

But these things don’t mean that you need to be standing outside any apartment much less MY apartment using your cell phone as a speaker phone and shouting into the poor device at 11:30 at night. I have absolutely zero desire to know that your friend’s boyfriend’s cock is too thin to properly fill your friends cavernous (obviously overused) rancid pussy. Equally, I don’t care at all that your friend doesn’t like to give her boyfriend head or that his cock’s one redeeming quality is that it is thin enough or curves in such a way that anal sex is easy and dare I say even somewhat enjoyable.

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I also don’t appreciate being called a “Perv” when I ask you to move along with your filthy conversation or at least have the decency to take the conversation off speaker phone so that I might get some damn sleep.

Believe me, you and your little skanky friend were far more perverse in broadcasting that conversation across the parking lot.

I realize that you might be hearing impaired from too many hours of looped synthetic rhythm tracks blaring into your head at -900db. It’s also possible that the subsonics may have damaged what little brain you might have been born with, however I think you should know;

I also don’t give a fuck!

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Too many millennials have demonstrated that they were quite possibly loads their mommas should have swallowed. Looking at you, makes me believe that abortions… even retroactive abortions should be legal and perhaps even rewarded!

Believe me when I tell you princess, your escapades or what pass for thoughts mean absolutely nothing to me, and I don’t care to hear about them.

What I do care about is getting some sleep so that I can go to work, pay taxes, and look forward to the new and interesting ways that you and your addled ilk will find to piss away the government handouts you believe you’re entitled to.

Of course you’ll be screeching about how oppressed you are and how unfair life is the whole time you’re standing in line to pony up $900 for the latest iPhone instead of paying back your college loans.

Here’s an Idea…

Shut up and get to work!

The rest of us really know what oppression looks like, and how it feels. We know that the tax code is unfair, and that huge multinational corporations are at least, posting obscene profits built on our backs, and at worst corrupt and in collusion with the governments of the world to make the rich richer and the poor poorer.

Tell us something new sunshine! That riff is as old as the industrial age, possibly older!

You want to save the world? DON’T BREED!

We’ve known for 5000 years that if you breed bad stock with bad stock all you get is worse stock. Humans are no different. Breed shitheads with morons and you get shity morons good for nothing except leeching off of society and whining about how unfair it is that not every special snowflake is all that fucking special.

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Get the hell over yourselves and contribute something!

We could start with your kidneys and work our work up provided you’re not too genetically inferior for even that purpose.

I suppose I dealt with one too many people today that wanted me to fix their self induced problem because the machines I’m supporting can’t think for them.

Believe me when I tell you, the day that machines can think for themselves, 99% of humanity is going to get plowed under. The remaining 1% will be in zoos, working in mines as slave labor, or on special game preserves where the machines can hunt our sorry asses for the thrill of choking the life out of a worthless human.

Learn something

Learn to drive, or to park, or to just learn to get the hell out of other people’s way. Stop buyng into the “I’m sooooo oppressed, or I’m soo responsible for oppression” bullshit. Ask yourselves this

Did you ever own slaves?

Did you personally massacre the Native Americans?

Did you swarm another country, suck it dry like a fucking parasite and then leave to find greener pastures?

If the answer to these questions is NO, then stop fucking complaining, clean up after yourselves and get with the program. Tweeting or Facebooking about problems isn’t solving problems.

You’re just buying into and propagating the mindset that keeps all of us shackled.

Get off your mom’s couch, put the fucking game console down, work your asses off and solve problems, in the real world.

Oh and before we elders sign off, STOP SLAMMING FUCKING DOORS!

There is no need for the rest of us to know when you come and go from anywhere. If you live in an apartment or condo, perhaps you should think about the fact that shaking the whole building every time you leave serves no purpose except to cause the rest of us to breath a sigh of relief that your gone and hope that you don’t come back.

A little common courtesy and respect for the other people around you might actually go a long fucking way toward the rest of us beginning to respect your lazy skanky asses. Not to mention actually listening to your opinions. Who knows? It might even bring a little peace to our societies.

Oh and just so we’re clear…

This is directed at ALL millennials, We don’t fucking give a shit what color you are.

Shoulder your burden, and get to fucking work!

The world revolves around it’s axis and the sun not you gigantic asshats!

Sincerely,

The rest of us!