Press conference instructions re: Cell Phone Encryption

I admit I’m feeling a bit cynical this morning. 

I’m feeling cynical because of the continued whining on the part of the FBI & Law Enforcement. The linked story is just flat depressing.

In an effort to lighten my mood, I imagined what the press conference notes might look like, given our current administration.

 

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Press Conference Checklist concerning cellphone encryption.

Instructions: Remember that we are attempting to terrify the citizens into giving up their Constitutional rights.

In order to do this, the presenter MUST be impassioned, while explaining the Government needs access to cellphone data to protect American citizens from;

• Terrorism (Here it’s best to invoke 9/11, the Boston Marathon, and Oklahoma City. Be sure to have a catch in your voice for the sound bites.)

• Pedophiles (Reference Jeffery Dahlmer, and any other famous pedophiles AVOID referencing any accused politicians! For a list of accepted pedophiles ask the designated press secretary resource officer.)

• Drug Dealing (Here references can be made to Mexican Drug Cartels and the violence associated with inner city drug deals gone bad. However under NO circumstances should Chicago come into the discussion. If a member of the press asks about violence in Chicago ignore them, and move on.)

• Kidnapping (Pick any high profile kidnapping or missing person then explain how monitoring of all cellphone data and communications could have prevented the kidnapping or led to the expedient location of the kidnapped persons body. Remind the press that the deceased’s family needs closure.)

• Gun Running (Invoking the terrorist angle here is acceptable. For example; “Terrorists will try to bring their AK-47s into the country to commit mass murder. Terrorists will also seek to supply unarmed members of their cell with high powered Assault weapons.” Under NO circumstances will it be acceptable to mention The Department of Justice or Fast and Furious in this context.)

• Prostitution (Show a pretty woman, or pictures of a disgraced non-serving congressman, to illustrate that interdiction would have prevented a scandal and national embarrassment. The picture is important because done right, the bible belt will rally against prostitution regardless of the rest of the narrative.)

• Rape (It’s helpful here to refer to the “Continuing war on Women”.  Law Enforcement needs to monitor text messages, twitter, facebook and the like to fight “The War on Women”. Explain that this monitoring allows Law enforcement to intercede prior to the Rape being committed. Forwarding this agenda ensures continuing budget support from Certain House members from California, and others.)

• Murder (Explain that by connecting lists of legal gun owners to their mobile devices it’s possible to correlate the potential for crime. This is of course not true but it will forward the continuing illusion that legal gun owners are the problem. This ensures continued budgetary support from certain Senators from California to our department.)

• Police Shootings (Point out that monitoring of the police cellphones will allow detection of racist viewpoints prior to shootings. As we’ve seen in Ferguson, loss to property can be avoided entirely. Simply by handing any suspected racist, a.k.a. “White” officer officer to a permanently established lynch mob led by Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.)

• School Shootings (Hammer home Sandy Hook. If only we’d been monitoring the shooter, this tragedy could have been prevented. Teary eyes are perfect at selling this point. Our theatrical team suggest yanking your pubic hair out beneath the lectern to provide the teary effect.)

The person giving the press conference is not required to hit all of these talking points, but it is required that at least three points be addressed.

Remember, we’re trying to create and sell the first completely wired totalitarian country in history. We can only be successful by terrorizing the populace into believing that, not only does the government understand the problem…

But that giving up the Constitution is the solution.

Good luck Komrad

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Don’t let the whining of the DOJ, the FBI, Law Enforcement shills, the NSA, CIA, DIA, or whoever else. undo the progress encryption of data represents in reclaiming our privacy.

Demand and defend your rights under the The Constitution.

If we don’t protect our Constitutional rights, no-one will.