Yeah, I know some people think I’m old.
But I’m talking the really old folks
My complaint is based in the following scenarios. Scenarios, I might add which happen all too often sometime 3 & 4 times in the same day.
I’m out in my yard, (Front or back) minding my own business. I could be doing poo patrol or have my head down in a hole fixing a sprinkler. Picture the situation, I’m distracted or concentrating or something and invariably some old fossil come up behind me. and yells my name.
I mean right behind me.
How the fuck do they manage to get that close? I hear everything around me. I can differentiate the sound of snake scales sliding across pine needles and leaves. But I can’t seem to hear an old person walking up right behind me.
What is it? Their damnable slippers?
Some weird stealth technique designed to freak out the young?
Possibly an evolutionary gift. Something that allowed the old folks in a tribe to be able to eliminate their young warrior opposition…
I’m twitchy naturally. But you sneak up behind me and shout and I’m full on insane! Especially if I’m concentrating on something else.
What amazes me is that these folks are shocked when I spin around ready to defend myself.
Usually they forget what they were going to tell me, then engage in some inane conversation about the weather. Meanwhile there’s a fountain of water jetting 18 feet up out of the ground where i’d been so intently working.
Then the conversation goes like this
“Got a leak huh?”
“Oh NO I was planning a perpetual fountain right here in the middle of the lawn, I’d just turned it on when you scared the hell out of me!”
“Ohhh thats nice….it’s a pretty day isn’t it?”
In my darker thoughts I consider the possibilities of being able to dig a large 6 foot deep hole in the front lawn without anyone noticing… Nah… too many rocks I’d need a backhoe.
“So, older person what did you need from me?”
“Oh I just wanted to thank you for that cheese you gave me”
I’m thinking “what cheese?” then I remember the incident in question was 6 weeks ago.
Then I think I’ll bet that cheese stopped the poor person up for 6 weeks. I wonder if I gave them a pound of it, would I not see them till Spring?
Nah… too cruel, the paramedics would have to hump the old person out in 3 feet of snow.
I put a smile on my face. Although I’m well aware the smile is that of a predator, something akin to the wolfs smile that tipped Little Red Riding Hood off.
“You’re welcome… Now if you’ll excuse me I really must get back to my chores. Have a nice day.”
By now the yard is flooded and I’m going to have to turn off the water for the next 5 hours waiting for the ground to dry out enough to be able to work on it.
While I’m waiting for the yard to dry, I decide to do Poo patrol. I’m in my own little world listening to the birds tweeting and channeling St Mike Rowe so that I may complete the poo chores without heaving.
I’m along my fence line on the neighbors side of the fence there is a line of Cottonwood trees. The foliage is pretty dense, and the leaves make quite a racket in the breeze.
“DID YOU GET ANY RASPBERRIES!!!” I swear to god, not 3 feet behind me. Poo goes flying, I stumble into the raspberry bushes swearing as the thorns find and rip my flesh.
“Nope, your cottonwoods have sucked all the water out of the soil on this side of the yard and are killing the raspberry bushes”
“I know… maybe I should get these trees out of here, they’re getting into my septic tank too.”
I’m picturing the absolutely lovely stench we’re going to be treated to, probably in some sweltering July.
I know this old fossil isn’t going to take any action and fear that I’m the one who’s going to;
a) Find his rotting corpse.
b) Have to remove the cottonwoods as an act of self preservation before they get into MY septic Tank.
c) Deal with him burning his house down
d) All of the above
Hummm they’re doing all kinds of construction in the wash…. There are several backhoes and there will be lots of concrete being poured… Nah… too Godfather!
I say, after making sure that the internal dialog isn’t cross connected to the external voice.
“Yeah, you probably should get those trees taken care of before they damage your septic tank. That’s an expensive repair. It’s cheaper to have the trees yanked and replant something else.”
“Well I don’t have a lot of money…”
“Neither do I.”, I’m wondering is this guy asking me to pay for his shit? Cause that isn’t happening.
He wanders off behind the trees.
I get myself out of the raspberries. Pick up the poo collection tools and recollect the poo that I spilled from the scoop when the neighbor startled me.
“DO YOU WANT SOME TOAST?“
Sigh…
These raspberry bushes are never going to recover…