Month: July 2013

Naked, I move through the house.  I pull a short glass from the cupboard… Ice, the smell of Whiskey as I pour myself a drink.

Leaden colored sky is visible outside. I can remember when the sky here was black and the constellations fought with the edge of the Milky Way for my attention.

Twinkling lights on the desert floor tell the sad truth. Civilization has caught up with me. The sea of humans has surrounded my Island of peace and quiet. Soon the view of the stars will be completely blotted out except in power failures. The desert going dark is unlikely with the computer control of the electrical grid.

Breeze feels good as I scratch my sack. Another slug of Whiskey, warm glow spreading from my gut. Sad about the stars… 

I’ve tossed and turned for the past two hours but sleep has evaded me. Normally I’d have anesthetized myself by engaging in oldest and most  primal of activities, falling asleep sweaty, sticky, and drugged by the frantic, satisfying release of my own endorphins. Somehow I just can’t get into the head space for that to be any fun.

I’m caged. Caged by thoughts unbidden, desires unfulfilled. Caged like an animal by a cacophony of noise in my head. 

I’m tired, exhausted in fact.

The Whiskey is good. I’m reminded of Hemingway.

He was a drinker too. My puerile prose is pig shit compared to his. Self doubt and fear well up inside me.

Two words explode into my conscience.

Eight Months

It takes me a minute to figure out what that means. Another sip of Whiskey, then it hits me.

Eight months ago a thoughtless child who wanted to be treated like a man left my house and I’ve heard not one word from him since then. Until recently…

What I do hear is “I want to clear the air“

What air? There’s nothing to clear, nothing more to be said. I told him that there are consequences to his actions.

IF you lie, people will eventually lose faith in your words and will become mistrustful of you. He lied repeatedly. His lies weren’t even over big issues he lied about  the most inconsequential of things. 

The lies told eight months ago, placed me at odds with his Dad. I felt relief when he left, at least I wasn’t going to have to continue to waste energy puzzling out what was real and what wasn’t. Where he was really going and where he’d wanted me to think he was. In the end it didn’t matter. His Dad still held me responsible for not keeping a lid on the child. He was 18… legally an adult what was I expected to do? Ground him? 

I’ve mourned the loss, gotten over the anger, stopped asking questions for which I’ll never have answers and gotten on with my life. In honesty I say that I’m done. (Or rather I was done.)

Why should we waste each others time with another tearful apology that I can’t help but be suspicious of. How is he trying to manipulate me? What angle is he working? What more drama am I going to be sucked into?

Then I know the answer. His Dad is once again angry with me because I’m unwilling to “Clear Air” which doesn’t need to be cleared. I’m the bad guy… Again…  Wheeeee! Another trip on the drama merry go round! 

I hope that this child realizes just how much love his Dad has for him. I pray that he’s not manipulating and trading on his Fathers love, because it would break my heart to see his Dad’s heart broken again. Regardless of the state of our friendship I don’t want to see the Man hurt by a manipulative child.

I’ve probably lost a friend. Sleep is hard won for me because I’m mourning that loss too. I’m angry at the child for not just leaving will enough alone. 

I can’t apologize for being who I am. I can’t nod and say “there there”, when I’m convinced that my forgiveness is simply another ploy so that I can be used again. I’ve already heard way too many of those apologies, they led to many fights with my Significant Other and  Eight Months of complete silence.

Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, You’d think if I was important there’d have at least been a text message however ingenuine saying, “Happy <Insert Holiday Here>”

But here I am. The wound reopened because the child wants to clear his conscience or at least to go through the motions. Now though,  I’ve got a fresh wound and an irreparably damaged possibly dying friendship to boot.

At least I understand one of the elements causing sleep to flee before me.

Odd how putting that on even metaphorical paper is like pulling a splinter out of my brain. 

Time to pour another glass.

3AM

My Mom is just waking up on the East Cost.

A cloud has just come across from the South West bringing with it a light shower. The last of the visible stars in the East have been obstructed. 

It’s a fair trade.

The smell of rain is comforting to me. The heavy drops on the roof and pinging off the deck rails is welcome, maybe it will last long enough to lull me to sleep.

I’m worried about getting a job. Not that I don’t want a job but that I can’t seem to get hired. The monsters of my past and fear of a future where I can’t pay my bills form a Mobius of approximately 30 years. 

That’s a distasteful thought. That the cycles of my life are 30 years of struggle, hard work, sweat, and tears where I reach a modicum of success followed by a precipitous fall losing everything, only to start over again.

Suddenly I really miss smoking. The Whiskey is making me feel better.

I’d love to be laying here in bed listening to the rain breaking all the rules. smoking, drinking, naked windows wide open, carving a brief respite from the chaos of my thoughts.

I’ll take this as it is right now. I’m not asking for anything more.

Time to turn the computer off and just breathe.

But not so easy to calm them down…

There was a little kerfuffle here in the mountains.

Short story is this.

Folks whose properties backed up to a wash found out about a major project in the wash in a bad way.

They were told by a workman only part of the story and folks got justifiably pretty upset.

Because the project was starting but the local folks most affected by it really had no notion what was going on it left them feeling as if the project had been in “stealth mode” and it was only by happenstance that they found out that anything at all was going on.

Picture Arthur Dent in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. He’s told his house is being demolished for a bypass. He’s also told that the plans had been on review at the planning office for a year. He counters with “You didn’t go out of your way to advertise it did you? First I heard about it was yesterday when a worker came ’round to look at my house. I thought he was a window washer, yeah he washed a couple of windows and charged me a fiver before he told me my house was going to be demolished.” Later there’s a great line about where he found the actual plans at the planning office. “In a disused lavatory, with no lights, in a locked filing cabinet, behind a door with a sign that said beware of tiger.”

The County had actually been communicating with a town council of sorts but they hadn’t communicated with the people that were going to be directly affected by their project.

You have to understand, around here, we’re serious about trees, especially trees that grow here naturally.

So when a worker off handedly says something like “We’re going to cut all the trees in this area down…”  Well that’s like saying “YOUR MAMMA” to someone Or The South Shall Rise Again at a “Lets Destroy the GOP meeting” Things rapidly go downhill.

As it turns out the County project is not going to clear cut the area. They’re not going to put concrete slabs in the wash.

Their plan is to use concrete like grout and cement the boulders in place along the sides of the wash and use a more or less natural looking matrix to stabilize the sides of the wash.

The trees that are being removed will be mulched and that mulch will be reused when the county replants what they’ve taken out. They’ll be sparing as many trees as possible but there will be some thinning of the population. The county makes the case that some of the areas they’ll be clearing / thinning this will add to fire safety because they’ll be removing a lot of thick underbrush. The County says this is actually in compliance with accepted tree density per acre as defined by the forest service. 

When they replant they’ve budgeted for water trucks to come up and water the area to help the saplings take root. 

Part of the County’s urgency is that they want to catch the “Rainy” season… we really haven’t had one of those in a few years but more power to them.

Other improvements will be adding a series of breaks in the bottom of the wash. These will be raised areas backfilled with native soil. The purpose of these “breaks” is to slow the speed of the water and thereby it’s carrying capacity. The goal is that if the breaks slow the water down enough dirt, silt, rocks, and other debris will settle out behind the breaks and not be washed downstream.

One question asked of the County was, “Has this been tried elsewhere?” In fact it has, and thus far the other wash that has received this treatment has remained stable and isn’t an eyesore. It’s obvious that some work has been done but not quite as obvious as some of the facelifts you see in Hollywood.

The bottom of the wash will remain open allowing water to percolate into the soil. The only exception to this will be in the areas surrounding the breaks. Due to their anchoring requirements they’ll be concreted in place with what appear to be “footers” that go quite a way into the ground.

I myself am much more comfortable with the project itself. Even with the loss of trees.

I know that other folks in the neighborhood aren’t comfortable with it and I understand why. There’s a bit of distrust remaining between the people and the County.

What I’ve taken away from this is the following.

It is the responsibility of the citizenry to tell the County (AKA Government) When they’re doing something wrong. In this case the County actually owns the property entirely.

The County’s screw-up was that they didn’t go down the list of properties backing up on the wash to say “We’re going to be doing this. Here’s what we envision the completed project to look like. Sorry for the mess and here are phone numbers to reach us if you need to.“

The citizens asked for the County to give them that courtesy in the future. The County admitted it had dropped the ball a bit, they also said they’d do better in the future.

Going online to look for the information wasn’t particularly fruitful because the title of the project appeared to change over time. That meant that you couldn’t be sure if what you were looking at was really the same part of the project or another piece that had been / or was going to be completed.

This too has been brought to the County’s attention.

On the plus side. The County was very kind, and very responsive to the folks up here when they started raising Cain. I know that I was able to get my questions answered in a reasonable way. The answers also had the ring of truth. Particularly when the engineer pointed out that there are no guarantees but that based on the best data available, this solution to the erosion of the wash is a pretty good one.

In more general terms the County is apparently receptive to improving their ability to communicate with their constituency I find that interesting and refreshing.

Another take away from this is that lots of folks, old and new in the community weren’t aware of the community organizations that actually do take time to monitor these kinds of issues. In particular, the younger crowd (meaning those who’ve moved recently to the mountain) didn’t know about the community organizations.

That’s sad for a couple of reasons. 1 it makes the younger members of the community feel a bit disenfranchised, and 2 it means that the organizations are perhaps a little too quiet about tooting their own horn.

In short little of what the careless words of a worker said were true. What was true was only part of the story, the town has discovered a hole in their communications with each other and with the County. Both issues seem to have been addressed even if it’s not to the complete satisfaction of all parties.

I daresay, the work is going to be watched like a hawk by the townsfolk, and after all that’s the way it’s supposed to be. 

It is our tax money being spent.

On this, Independence Day, put aside partisan politics and angry words.

Lets hug our families, barbecue our hamburgers, hotdogs, sides of beef, chickens, and fish.

We should all eat too much junk food, play with the kids, splash each other in the pool and take a nice deep breath.

Take a moment to appreciate all that we have and our loved ones.

Watch a fireworks show and be Americans, just “American Americans” for today.

Have a safe and happy 4th of July.

I’ve got a very sick dog, and just about the time I sit down to write anything or in fact do much of anything I’m needed to either walk the poor thing down the stairs or to clean up a mess.

This is not likely to be an illness the poor pup gets over, it’s probably end of life so it’s about making him comfortable and happy. There have been many drugs tried but all of them have made him feel much worse or plugged him up or made him pee constantly. 

He’s a sensitive dog and waking up in a pool of his own urine really harshes his self respect.

So simplicity reigns. Pain killers for the soreness in his hips and taking it slow up & down the stairs. We live day by day, enjoy each others’ company and he “works me” for well above the normal daily supply of treats.

I’m a little rambly today

I don’t want to see the electricity bill either. In order for him to be comfortable I’ve been running the air conditioning a whole lot.

Maybe those were local things that the builders of subdivisions in central FL came up with to say “we’re building the most modern homes”Thus far this Summer has been a lot like the Summers at my Dad’s place before he Moved to TN. Remember the “All Electric House” how about that funky little medallion that was sometimes built into the doorbell that announced the fact to all who came to visit you?

I can tell you this… It’s probably not the great buying incentive today that it was then. On the other hand we all figured all our power would be coming from nuclear reactors and that it would be cheap. Boy is that a laugh!

I remember my Dads house being like a meat locker. The transition from being inside to being outside could literally take your breath away. 68F zero humidity to 95F 80% humidity was a shocker even for my young body. As a result, once we went outside we tended to stay outside because it was easier on us. Not to mention that Dad would tell us to get outside even if we’d come in to use the bathroom. 

Believe me, we reveled in being boys and living in a rural area with plenty of palmetto bushes most of the day.

Simpler times.

We’d take the family Weimaraner with us and run, swim, hike all over the territory around Dads house.

Parents today would be freaking out. There were at least three varieties of poisonous snakes in my childhood environment.

Alligators, wild boar (I’m much more afraid of them than a gator), and at least a dozen species of stinging /biting insects.

Hilda (The family dog) was our faithful protector and on more than one occasion she spooked critters that could have hurt us into running away before we kids got in range.

Which brings me back to dogs. When I first got to California I lived for a long time without a dog. Then in 1990 I had an opportunity to move to a place where I could have dogs. I can’t see myself in a situation where I don’t have them in my life ever again.

I’m not talking about little yappy dogs.

I’m talking big dogs with personality and senses of humor. 

The kind of dog that will decide to mess with you because THEY need a laugh. 

My sick guy, has a great sense of humor and I’m going to be sad to see him pass on.

I personally believe dogs go to heaven, I can’t imagine a heaven without our pets.

Talk about a boring place. 

A bunch of folks sitting around on clouds playing harps?

NAHHH not my kind of place, my heaven will be a sweet place with big fields of grass and forests. With dogs to play with and treats aplenty.

At least that’s what I hope for my friend