“Please say your 10 digit phone number so that I may access your account information to better serve you….”
“One moment please…. Sorry, I didn’t get that. Please say your 50 digit account number and recite the first 500 base pairs of your personal genome starting with Adenine so that I may direct you to the appropriate representative.”
“Sorry, I didn’t get that. We value your privacy… Please say or type the primes of your social security number using those numbers to solve the following equation…”
“Sorry, that is incorrect… Please try your call again later….” CLICK
Maybe I’m a luddite…
I’m finding that as time passes and more and more “Conveniences” are added to my life the more inconvenient and time consuming things are.
I’m from the South, I have no detectable accent under normal circumstances. The exceptions being when I’m drunk or PISSED OFF!
And perhaps that’s the problem, by the time I manage to actually get a LIVE breathing human being on the phone I’m seriously PISSED OFF by having to deal with shitty voice prompts!
I resent having to spend 5 minutes walking through a list of menus and options that make the challenges of World of Warcraft appear simple, when all I wanted to do was ask a question like “When is the service going to be restored?”
“The answers to many questions can be found on our web site at www.answerthefuckingphone.com Please stay on the line for the next available representative.”
I was on the phone bright and early with the satellite provider asking questions about my plan with an eye toward perhaps upgrading or downgrading the service in an attempt to save a few bucks.
At the same time I learn that because of changes imposed by our wonderfully protective government the provider must now list a monthly cost that is exclusive of the equipment, HD services, and a bunch of other fees.
The upshot is that the package costs 59.99 but the receiver access is an additional 14.99 and the HD access (a BOGUS charge BTW) is 6.99 etc.etc.etc. and by the time you add it all up. You end up paying EXACTLY what I’ve been paying for the past 6 years.
It was a lot easier for me as a consumer to say 59.99? That’s it? No ups? No extras? Cool! And that was what my bill was every month.
In this age of infinite account agreement changes, Terms of service, License agreements, User agreements, and itemized disclosures. I could literally spend an hour or more a day reading the legalese or simply stop dealing with the issue all together.
Apple was lampooned by SouthPark and with good reason.
Here’s a little tale of what I mean, I wanted to download a FREE application for my Apple iPad. I went to the app store on the pad & clicked on the “Install” button.
Then I’m presented with a login dialog I give the password. “Wrong password.” Oh yeah, my bad. Apple put the app store in it’s own bucket instead of using the iTunes payment process engine like they had been doing.
I enter the right password. “Your credit card has expired” So what? It’s a FREE application! I go dig out the credit card and that’s when it hits me.
The information that Apple was showing me was from the .Mac account purchase. Since they’ve moved all their shit to the iCloud Now I have to maintain 2 user IDs and passwords for Apple.
I update the credit card information. “You didn’t completely fill out the form” I recheck the information and see they’re demanding that I fill in a salutation. I select “Mr.” and click next
“You didn’t completely fill out the form” The credit card security number had been wiped because I didn’t fill out the form properly the first time. I re-enter the security number and click next.
“Please read and agree to the terms of service and user agreement”
A dialog box opens. The box is maybe 3×3 and tells me that I have 42 pages of legalese that I need to read, evaluate, comprehend, and that by agreeing to this bullshit I’m entering into binding contract with Apple, it’s subsidiaries, assignees, and distant relatives in Alpha fucking Centauri!
Remember this is a free app…
I clicked cancel, I’d had enough… I’m not a lawyer, I’m not an accountant, and I don’t fucking want to be!
Apples shit isn’t worth so much to me that I’m willing to be constantly bombarded with notice after notice and change after change to their terms and conditions. Which BTW is why I’m not buying stuff from iTunes anymore. Well, that and the DRM that renders the purchase unplayable on any non Apple device. You know, Like my phone, or my car…
Verizon is another one.
I’ve been paying AND viewing their bill directly through my bank for years.
They’ve changed their disclosure / privacy agreement again.
“We value your privacy and we’re going to keep your bill so private… EVEN YOU wont be able to see it…”
I can still pay the bill through the bank… but I can’t actually view the bill.
If I want to see the bill, I have to have a Verizon assigned PIN number to enter into their web site in addition to my user id and password and then they’ll let me see my bill online.
I admire their definition of convenience!
Like most of us I don’t look at the detail of utility bills unless they’re out of the ordinary.
I was all for saving the postage and the trees. But since Verizon makes these kinds of changes about every six months. I’m chasing down the latest magic incantation that will allow me to actually look at the bill practically every time I need to look at the detail.
Verizon is a phone company… They’re already on my, and most of Americas shit list. Their marketing folks really need to re-evaluate the way they handle their customer base. Of course they don’t think so because they’re still living in the ’60s. Well It’s possible to not have to deal with the Verizon or any of the Bells if you’re living in a city.
Cable can give you Phone, Internet, and Entertainment on one pipe. I personally use my cell phone for ALL voice communications the land line exists only to provide DSL and fax service. And the first Cable provider that comes to my town… I’m going with them and dumping Verizon like 3 day old sushi.
Banks are the worst
I’m getting notices about every quarter from my banks detailing the changes to my account. I fully expect for one of those notices in the near future to read;
Dear Mr. Consumer,
We’ve fucked up the US and World economy so badly that we regret to inform you of the following changes to your account.
1) What money you thought you had, is gone.
2) You are now the property of Mr. Chang Fu Shin of Bejing.
3) You have 3 days to surrender your home, possessions, and any negotiable instruments.
4) You will deposit your spouse, and any children you may have at the nearest shopping mall where they will be auctioned as sex slaves to the emerging third world.
5) Please report to the nearest sterilization and re-education camp by the end of the week.
Please Note: Anesthetic is available during the removal of your balls… For an additional fee.
We at the Bank of Fuck you up sincerely regret any inconvenience this may have caused you, and thank you for your business.
I thought all this technology was supposed to make our lives simpler. Instead, I’m maintaining a spreadsheet with something close to 150 individual passwords and website addresses just to deal with normal shit.
When did I sign on to become these companies BITCH?
How many times have you clicked on a link from Google News, only to be taken to a page at say, the Wall Street Journal? Then you read the first three paragraphs of an article and when you click to go to the next page you’re asked “To keep reading this article create a free account.”
My Choice is not to play.
Starting today. I’m working on closing each and every account, website, or service that I don’t absolutely NEED.
I’m also going back to Paper Statements on every account I have to keep.
Heck, I may stop the online bill pay altogether and start writing checks again!
This so-called age of convienience is just far too complex.
Maybe, I’m just getting to be an old fart!
As an aside, I’ve never played World of Warcraft. I’m an xbox first person shooter kind of guy. Call of Duty anyone?