Month: May 2011

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Another rite of passage, Oh Goody! — NOT

I was at my Doctors office for a routine checkup a couple of weeks ago.

He was flipping through my chart reviewing my previous stats and he paused.

Then he looks up and says, “You’re 50 aren’t you?” ummm “Yeah”, I answer. Not at all sure I like his tone or where this is going. I feel like I’m about to find out that I’ve become a character in a real life Logans Run.

“Didn’t we discuss a Colonoscopy the last time you were in?”, he says. I’m thinking “Damn! I was hoping that we would just ignore that for another oh…. 50 YEARS!” But I answer, “nope Doc we didn’t” and I’m really unhappy about the Southerly direction our conversation has taken.

Like most men the whole idea of someone doing Fantastic Voyage up my rear end is to say the least… off-putting?

I realize that I’m going to be out of it. I certainly don’t want to witness the procedure although, it’s my understanding that a few brave souls watch the process on a conveniently placed monitor.

You know, I might watch YOUR Colonoscopy making rude comments the whole time but Mine??? Nah hit me with the Michael Jackson juice and call me when the medical folks have finished, I’ll do the walk of shame out of the outpatient surgical center knowing that someone has seen parts of me that even my Mother has never seen.

It’s a violation. No matter how nicely it’s done, or the reasons behind it, there are places that cameras should just NEVER go!

Bathhouses, Nudist weight loss camps, The dungeon of Mistress Ruth, Weasel Burrows during mating season, YOUR PARENTS Bedroom when they’re feeling frisky.

On the plus side I’m pretty confident in the Doctors, both my GP who has never steered me wrong and in the Doc who’s actually going to be driving the camera. They’ve both been really good about answering the questions “Why is this medically necessary?” and “What are the risks, aside from losing out on the internet syndication rights?”

As an interesting aside, the Doc who’s driving the camera up my rear also did the driving in my GP I figure if my GP still recommends him he must be good. Or my GP is a real Sadist! (Hummm, ya know I’ll get back to you on that.)

So why as a guy do you submit to this?

It gives the Doctors a baseline of your general colon health.

You may well have growths in your colon that can cause problems. Getting those things removed now is easier, you’re younger and they’re smaller.

You’d hate to discover these problems just before you’re about to retire and go fishing for the rest of your life. It would truly SUCK to find out that you were going to spend your retirement in the hospital then die from something that was easily treatable 20 years before. Look at it like changing the oil and plugs in your car. Yeah… the car was running ok when you did it but the car will run ok longer afterwards.

If you’ve been developing issues as you got older with certain foods really upsetting your gut, this is a good opportunity to see if the problem is just you getting older or something more serious.

Again the car metaphor fits it’s easier and cheaper to do preventative maintenance or minor repair than to wait for something to really break.

Your significant other gets a threefer!

They get to feel useful because they have to drive you to and from the appointment.

They get to smirk, joke, and talk behind your back with their friends about your prep when you’re developing thrust from your bowels emptying. “My God Edna, I always knew he was full of shit but I never realized just how much! Titter titter. Oh gotta go he just came out of the bathroom looking for a beer!”

For once, your wife knows you’ve experienced a similar shame to the one she’s dealt with yearly in having strangers poking in places they have no business.
My voyage of discovery is scheduled for next week.

I’ll probably have something to say about it then. I’m trying to look on the positive side of it but something about taking a drug that will GIVE ME Montezuma’s Revenge is just Wrong!

I wonder if I could just go to Mexico for a wild weekend and at least have the fun of drinking the water and eating the food?

Probably not… But that sounds like a LOT more fun.

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I just love the Duplicity of al-Qaeda

I Was reading an article about al-Qaeda threats in the wake of bin Ladens demise.

Aside from the usual blah blah blah Jihad blah blah blah Allah blah blah blah blah Allah blah blah Jihad blah …

A couple of things stuck out.

1) “Men and heroes only should be confronted in the battlefields …”

Oh yeah? Hummm let me think about that. Where the World Trade Center once stood I don’t see a battlefield and I didn’t see armed combatants there on that September morning.

2) Their statement complained about our “mistreatment” of bin Ladens body…

Again… Let me think, Oh yeah wasn’t it al-Qaeda operatives that hung dead Americans from overpasses? Decapitated Americans on TV? Left body parts of American soldiers in various places around Baghdad?

3) Their statements congratulates “Islamic Nation on the martyrdom of their devoted son Osama,”

Oh well then, I look forward to them having the opportunity to congratulate the Islamic Nation on MANY more martyrs, I suspect that at least some of those will have their blood spilled on American soil.

They’re not coming to America folks… The jihadists are already HERE.

The media is reporting that al-Qaeda is targeting other cities (Washington, New York, Los Angeles and Chicago). This should not be a surprise.

It should be expected now and into the future. Since our government has not specifically targeted and deported non-citizens from hostile Middle Eastern countries living in the US and since our ability to deport non-citizens is constantly thwarted by our fear of appearing to profile, or being racist, we will effectively live with this kind of threat from here on out.

Something to think about the next time terrorists mount an attack within the borders of the United States. Do not delude yourselves, there will be some attack that our law enforcement folks will be unable to stop despite their best efforts.

When it happens, the media will be crying why? They’ll be demanding answers from law enforcement, politicians will begin fact finding missions, spending millions of our tax dollars and running around in tight little circles refusing to accept the common sense answers for fear of being called a bad name.

We as a nation really do need to get our priorities in order.

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Musing about al-Qaeda

In writing about bin Ladens death, I realized that part of my rage at al-Qaeda is fueled by people and elements of the media that are all for appeasement.

There is no appeasing jihadis unless you’re willing to convert to Islam, have your wives and daughters cover themselves and submit to a theocracy where brutality is the norm.

If you’re willing to sacrifice everything that we as Americans are then I suppose appeasement is a choice.

For me, for a variety of reasons appeasement is completely off the table. I realized shortly after 9/11 that while I was too old to serve in the military, I still needed to make a decision about where I stood.

Admiral Yamamoto in the early days of World War II counseled against a Japanese invasion of America. He said if Japan tried to invade America there would be “a rifle behind every blade of grass”

Ghost Trees (c) 2010 David Kendal

I believe that we should make sure he was right.

I decided that if it came to a “Fifth Column” in America, or an invasion, or God help us appeasement under the threat of some nuclear or biological threat, that my only choice would be to fight.

I suppose it’s my Northern European roots. Something in me says it’s better to go out with a weapon in my hand and dine in Valhalla than to be led submissively to slaughter like a sheep.

Perhaps in that way, I’m no different from the 15th century beliefs that fundamentalist Islam preaches…

I’m still a barbarian from the North.