Day: May 7, 2011

I was at my Doctors office for a routine checkup a couple of weeks ago.

He was flipping through my chart reviewing my previous stats and he paused.

Then he looks up and says, “You’re 50 aren’t you?” ummm “Yeah”, I answer. Not at all sure I like his tone or where this is going. I feel like I’m about to find out that I’ve become a character in a real life Logans Run.

“Didn’t we discuss a Colonoscopy the last time you were in?”, he says. I’m thinking “Damn! I was hoping that we would just ignore that for another oh…. 50 YEARS!” But I answer, “nope Doc we didn’t” and I’m really unhappy about the Southerly direction our conversation has taken.

Like most men the whole idea of someone doing Fantastic Voyage up my rear end is to say the least… off-putting?

I realize that I’m going to be out of it. I certainly don’t want to witness the procedure although, it’s my understanding that a few brave souls watch the process on a conveniently placed monitor.

You know, I might watch YOUR Colonoscopy making rude comments the whole time but Mine??? Nah hit me with the Michael Jackson juice and call me when the medical folks have finished, I’ll do the walk of shame out of the outpatient surgical center knowing that someone has seen parts of me that even my Mother has never seen.

It’s a violation. No matter how nicely it’s done, or the reasons behind it, there are places that cameras should just NEVER go!

Bathhouses, Nudist weight loss camps, The dungeon of Mistress Ruth, Weasel Burrows during mating season, YOUR PARENTS Bedroom when they’re feeling frisky.

On the plus side I’m pretty confident in the Doctors, both my GP who has never steered me wrong and in the Doc who’s actually going to be driving the camera. They’ve both been really good about answering the questions “Why is this medically necessary?” and “What are the risks, aside from losing out on the internet syndication rights?”

As an interesting aside, the Doc who’s driving the camera up my rear also did the driving in my GP I figure if my GP still recommends him he must be good. Or my GP is a real Sadist! (Hummm, ya know I’ll get back to you on that.)

So why as a guy do you submit to this?

It gives the Doctors a baseline of your general colon health.

You may well have growths in your colon that can cause problems. Getting those things removed now is easier, you’re younger and they’re smaller.

You’d hate to discover these problems just before you’re about to retire and go fishing for the rest of your life. It would truly SUCK to find out that you were going to spend your retirement in the hospital then die from something that was easily treatable 20 years before. Look at it like changing the oil and plugs in your car. Yeah… the car was running ok when you did it but the car will run ok longer afterwards.

If you’ve been developing issues as you got older with certain foods really upsetting your gut, this is a good opportunity to see if the problem is just you getting older or something more serious.

Again the car metaphor fits it’s easier and cheaper to do preventative maintenance or minor repair than to wait for something to really break.

Your significant other gets a threefer!

They get to feel useful because they have to drive you to and from the appointment.

They get to smirk, joke, and talk behind your back with their friends about your prep when you’re developing thrust from your bowels emptying. “My God Edna, I always knew he was full of shit but I never realized just how much! Titter titter. Oh gotta go he just came out of the bathroom looking for a beer!”

For once, your wife knows you’ve experienced a similar shame to the one she’s dealt with yearly in having strangers poking in places they have no business.
My voyage of discovery is scheduled for next week.

I’ll probably have something to say about it then. I’m trying to look on the positive side of it but something about taking a drug that will GIVE ME Montezuma’s Revenge is just Wrong!

I wonder if I could just go to Mexico for a wild weekend and at least have the fun of drinking the water and eating the food?

Probably not… But that sounds like a LOT more fun.