Sick & tired of the News…

I’ve been enjoying the sound of the recent rain on the roof and haven’t paid attention to the news, or turned on much of anything that makes noise.

NewImage

I’m suspecting that I may have had a light touch of the flu but I’m not sure. This morning I’m feeling better.

I did however, make the mistake of switching on the news. 

Nothing is different!

I swear it’s like the world paused the bullshit just so that I could be offended by it when I decided to pay attention again.

I wish that was the case… I know in reality that the bullshit keeps coming at a more or less constant pace. The news is like a soap opera… You can miss years and still know exactly what’s going on, because human nature is a constant as hydrogen fusion in stars.

Have you ever noticed that riots pretty much look the same? Really, check it out, tell Google you want to see only images then type riots.

Regardless of time or place, they all look the same, even the drawings of riots look the same.

The news is always the same… In broad strokes I think the news template is something like this;

Somewhere people are rioting and burning buildings because they’re unhappy about something.

Somewhere else someones military is shooting rebels, insurgents, dissidents, students, or another army.

A disaster or two have happened someplace else, hundreds or thousands of people are displaced, famine and disease looms in the not too distant future.

NewImage

Politicians from group A are condemning politicians from group B for failing to act or disagreeing with their position.

Somewhere somebody’s children were in danger, are in danger, have been saved from danger.

There’s been another car chase that ended, with a crash, or with an arrest, or with a shooting, or with a tasering. Or jackpot… all of the above…

And now the weather…

NewImage

Being a fan of TrueBlood, the scene where the vampire Russell Edgington rips a newscasters spine out, then tells the public that he’s the real face of vampires and describes in gruesome detail what vampires are going to do to humans is one of my favorite scenes for a number of reasons.

When he turns to another camera and in a lovely Southern accent and with a happy smile, says “Now time for the weather… Tiffany…”

I howl every time I see it. The whole scene is priceless and some damn good writing.

NewImage

It’s also a very sad comment on our news cycle.

That scene lasts a minute or so, but it’s exactly what watching the news is like.

Think about it, the news is 30 to 60 minutes of real blood, violence, hatred, and despair, followed by the weather presented by some airhead blond with perfect tits and a million dollar smile telling you it’s going to be sunny and warm tomorrow. And somehow knowing it’s going to be sunny and warm makes the preceding horror just fine.

NewImage

We all know that the weather is always at the end of a news segment. Did you ever wonder why? 

I’ve come to the conclusion that weather is all we really care about.  

It’s the most immediate thing that we have to deal with.

If the weather was first in any newscast I’d tune in for that, and turn the TV off once I knew if I was going to need my umbrella.

I can’t do shit about riots in another country. Nor can I control the earthquake, volcano, hurricane, or monsoonal flooding in another country. I’m sorry folks there are having problems but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

NewImage

As far as car chases… I’m reminded of the old Keystone cops shorts.

Do I need to see 6 hours of live aerial coverage where 4 police cars are following one piece of shit 30 year old Toyota that can’t get above 50MPH? Or god forbid a white Bronco?

NewImage

I swear on more than one occasion I’ve thought about Mad Maxing my truck and just T-Boning the hell out of the dumbass running from the cops.

I imagine that afterward, I’d drive home and get back to watching the football game that was interrupted for the car chase.

NewImage

Or watch Tiffany’s perfect tits jiggle across my local weather map.

Maybe I need to go back to bed… I think I’m a little grumpier than I should be.

On the other hand… 

A few episodes of TrueBlood might just make me a happy camper.

I’ve finally learned my lesson

Images 1

I’ve been tinkering with this post for a while. I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to post it but I’ve come to a “what the hell point”  about it.

Let me preface with the following statements; I’m the guy that doesn’t illegally download music from the internet. I obey the law. I do whats right because I believe that’s the best way to live. I like the simplicity of not telling lies. I have purchased all my videos, and software. I pay my bills, and I admit it if I’ve fucked up and missed a payment.I admit when I’m wrong. I tell the truth and have always done my best to be honorable.

The problem is:

Honesty doesn’t pay.

This flies in the face of everything that I was taught as a child. When I was a kid, My parents taught me that being honest was absolutely the best thing you could be and that the rewards of being honest were great.

As an honest person I could expect respect from others, I’d be someone who people trusted and preferred to do business with,  my word would be my bond and we’d therefore not have to engage lawyers in anything but the most complex of contracts, I’d be a valued employee and could look forward to retirement as an honored person.

Perhaps these things were true when my parents were growing up.

They’re sure as hell not true now.

Let me give you some examples;

When I was dealing with the California EDD there was a question on the form you fill out. The question is “Did you start any training during period X or period Y. (X is the first week and Y is the second week). I answered yes… because I’m an honest man and I had in fact taken a 1 week training course.

My reward for being honest? EDD withheld the unemployment compensation for both weeks. Resulting in a shortfall of cash and late payments on several bills. Why the shortfall? because I was running that close to the line and attending the training class meant that I had to buy gasoline to attend the class.

Thanks EDD! Now I have the training to do a new job, but I don’t have the ability to attend any interviews.

I looked at that question for a long time before answering it. I knew in my heart that I should lie. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. In the back of my head was the knowledge that the class I was attending, reports the student attendance to the state of California. 

If it wasn’t for raiding my 401K I’d have had my car repossessed when I owed less than 3K on it. Since the car could still be sold for 20K this represents a wonderful profit for both the bank and the state.

#FAIL

The correct answer is to lie to EVERY STATE OFFICIAL, and on EVERY STATE FORM. Lie about your age, ethnicity, your religion, sexuality, and national origin, your circumcision status, and anything else you can.

I’m now a blind, black, mexican, transgendered, 30 year old, druid. Prove me wrong!

NEXT!

Images

Another example was when I was working for a government contractor as a Software Quality Assurance person.

The software was broken. It was horribly broken and with each iteration it was broken more severely than the last. As a lifelong QA person this is something that raises alarms in every industry. 

A QA persons job is to find the defects, report the defects, and come up with a way for the defects to be demonstrable on command, preferably so that the programmers can do a fault trace and correct the code in 20 minutes or less. (As an aside developers hate intermittent or difficult to reproduce problems.)

As a QA person I recreated every defect I reported at least 3 times. I did this to insure that I’ really did have a defect worth reporting and that I’d documented the steps to demonstrate the problem in as simple a way as possible.

While doing my job, the defect count kept going up I dutifully reported the problems. I followed procedure, and because I was concerned with the safety of the end users of our product I stuck to my guns about the defects. But I was told not to report the defects and eventually my ability to enter defects was revoked. This left me sending my defect reports to my boss who wouldn’t enter them because it made the project look bad.

I was honest. I didn’t lie, even when it was suggested that I do so. This was after all a government contract and my job as a citizen and QA person was to make sure that the product was delivered to the end users with as few defects as possible and that the project be delivered under budget and as quickly as possible.

WRONG

The game is that government contractors always overrun their budgets and their time. Why? because the government will penalize the contractor by reducing the amount of money it pays if the contractor delivers a product early.

Burying defects and slowing the progress of a project is the only way for a contractor to maximize their profits. It’s called follow-on maintenance.

So in this instance… once again truth is a very bad thing.

The common thread is that the state government and the federal government seem to operate on an illogic where honesty and truth are not in the best interest of the parties involved.

LAST EXAMPLE

Unknown

Under absolutely no circumstance should you ever tell the truth to your boss. In private or publicly, even if you’re respectiful and honestly trying to insure the success of a particular project or venture never tell the boss that their plan won’t work. Even if you have the weight of the history of mankind on your side… never tell them it won’t work. 

By doing so, you’re just setting yourself up to be at the top of the layoff list. If there aren’t layoffs imminent, you’re setting yourself up for poor reviews, and being tortured daily.

At the risk of sounding misogynistic (I wonder what the opposite of misogyny is? Oh there it is. Misandry, I’ve been on the receiving end of that more than once.), this is especially true if your boss is a woman. She is always right, she is always perfect, her ideas are just the best you’ve ever heard. “Of course we’ll make space in the office by drawing pentagrams on the floor and  casting spells to levitate the furniture. Obviously parking my desk and chair above my co-workers will work and save space.

Just make sure that you’re as far away from the explosion and laying of blame as you can be because you can bet your bottom dollar that she will try to blame anyone else for her half baked plan failing.

Whatever you do… NEVER EVER keep a record of your bosses directives. Absolutely, never present that record as your defense to upper management when your boss tries to blame you for the chaos and failure.

You’ll win the war… But you’ll lose your job.

Oh and never point out to anyone that working is about receiving compensation for your labor… The correct statement is, you work because you love the people at your office and you think your job is important and fulfilling. 

So from here on out. I’ve decided that I’m going to be like everyone else. 

I’m going to lie, cheat, and generally fuck over everyone else. The rules no longer apply to me, I’m special, I’m important, I’m entitled!

Never let it be said I don’t learn from my mistakes…

I’d actually hoped to get off the Muslims but…

I couldn’t resist.

After reading the news today out of France.

228425 charlie hebdo

Normally the French are wrong just out of habit.

But this morning I woke up read the news and started laughing my ass off, after I  had an epiphany. 

It’s become clear is that Muhammad is the Achilles heel of the Islamic world.

So us evil bastards in the West need to start using it to our advantage.

We need to get England to publish something about Muhammad, then have Sweden follow on with something else about two weeks later.  Then have the other EU countries follow on at 2 to 3 week intervals. 

All we have to do to win the war on terrorism is to keep insulting Muhammad… The radical Muslims will destroy themselves and their countries in a rabid foamy mouthed orgy of hate and stupidity.

Let them keep burning, looting, and bombing their cities and countries. It’s far more effective, cost efficient, and safer way to deal with the problems of the Middle East.

After all, why spend a million dollars on a cruise missile when we can drop a flyer showing a crudely drawn image of Muhammad taking it up the ass from a camel?

The damage the radicals would do to a city or their country is far greater than the damage that would be done by 100 cruise missiles.

Yeah, there may be some collateral damage and we might have to be a lot more careful in public places but that would only last for a little while, Eventually the radicals will decimate themselves and those that don’t actually kill themselves will be too weak to be much of a threat.

It beats the alternative plan… Sterilization of the infestation area with Nukes.

Images

As an alternative to nukes we could always steer asteroids into an orbit that would be appropriate for planetary bombardment.

Targeting the exact areas in the Middle East would be tricky but we could stop global warming and still have access to the oil reserves after a few well placed asteroid impacts.

Pssst don’t tell the Primitive Islamic Savages, AKA “PIS” we don’t have that capability quite yet.

On the bright side… I’m sure that someone is working on it.