I’m such a prick!

I’m an asshole.

I admit it, sometimes I’ll start a fight over the stupidest things.

Here’s the deal, I’m in bed, I’ve just gotten two 80 pound dogs settled and am trying to drift off. Problem is, the lights and noise from the rest of the house. The TV is on in the living room and the canned laugh track is becoming more annoying by the second.

So I ask my much better half to just close the bedroom door for me. I think, no big deal right?

WRONG! “I’m coming to bed in just a few minutes, I just need to finish this little thing.”

The deal is that quite often when I ask for what I think is a simple thing, instead of getting a simple yes OR no I get endless excuses and explanations none of which are adding anything to the conversation, or in this case, going to allow me to freaking go to sleep.

In fact the longer the explanation the more of my brain that gets spun back up to process the incoming information. Which more often than not just pisses me off. Even in daily interactions I hate people telling me how to BUILD a clock when all I wanted was to know the time.

My reactions to these situations don’t help.

The following is not meant as an excuse otherwise I’d be guilty of the shit that I’m bitching about. It’s just a little background.

I’ve been feeling squeezed/compressed lately. There’s a lot of issues, mostly mine, but one of the things that’s bugging me is that I don’t feel like I have a place to work or spread my stuff out in the house that’s not in the living room or across the dining table. I HATE having shit out in the entertaining areas, If someone drops by, I always feel like the place is a pig sty, even if it’ not really that much of a mess. 

I know what some parts of the problem is, the house is too small, we have too much shit, and I’m worried about finding work.

I let this stupid “Baggage” combine and my mouth ran away from my common sense.

I said out loud “I miss my piece of shit one bedroom apartment and living alone.” 

As the words came out of my mouth, I thought FUCK!!!!! Where the hell did that come from?  While that is sometimes a true statement it’s not always the case. Regardless though it’s something I should never have said. Especially not to someone that has my best interests at heart even if I don’t always see it.

I’ve hurt feelings, You can’t take stuff like that back, and Yep! I’m a real asshole.

Now what do I say or do to apologize? Moreover, how many times can I apologize for being in general an Ass before I come home to an empty house?