{"id":3785,"date":"2013-09-23T09:55:20","date_gmt":"2013-09-23T16:55:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bone-in-the-throat.com\/Blog\/?p=3785"},"modified":"2021-01-08T19:36:56","modified_gmt":"2021-01-09T03:36:56","slug":"what-is-it-with-old-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bone-in-the-throat.com\/Blog\/2013\/09\/23\/what-is-it-with-old-people\/","title":{"rendered":"What is it with OLD people?"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Yeah, I know some people think I’m old.<\/p>\n

But I’m talking the really old folks<\/p>\n

 My complaint is based in the following scenarios. Scenarios, I might add which happen all too often sometime 3 & 4 times in the same day.<\/p>\n

I’m out in my yard, (Front or back) minding my own business. I could be doing poo patrol or have my head down in a hole fixing a sprinkler. Picture the situation, I’m distracted or concentrating or something and invariably some old fossil come up behind me. and yells my name.<\/p>\n

 I mean right behind me.<\/p>\n

How the fuck do they manage to get that close? I hear everything around me. I can differentiate the sound of snake scales sliding across pine needles and leaves. But I can’t seem to hear an old person walking up right behind me.<\/p>\n

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What is it? Their damnable slippers?<\/p>\n

Some weird stealth technique designed to freak out the young?<\/p>\n

 Possibly an evolutionary gift. Something that allowed the old folks in a tribe to be able to eliminate their young warrior opposition…<\/p>\n

I’m twitchy naturally. But you sneak up behind me and shout and I’m full on insane! Especially if I’m concentrating on something else.<\/p>\n

What amazes me is that these folks are shocked when I spin around ready to defend myself.<\/p>\n

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Usually they forget what they were going to tell me, then engage in some inane conversation about the weather. Meanwhile there’s a fountain of water jetting 18 feet up out of the ground where i’d been so intently working.<\/p>\n

Then the conversation goes like this<\/p>\n

“Got a leak huh?” <\/p>\n

“Oh NO I was planning a perpetual fountain right here in the middle of the lawn, I’d just turned it on when you scared the hell out of me!”<\/p>\n

“Ohhh thats nice….it’s a pretty day isn’t it?”<\/p>\n

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In my darker thoughts I consider the possibilities of being able to dig a large 6 foot deep hole in the front lawn without anyone noticing… Nah… too many rocks I’d need a backhoe.<\/p>\n

“So, older person what did you need from me?”<\/p>\n

“Oh I just wanted to thank you for that cheese you gave me”<\/p>\n

I’m thinking “what cheese?” then I remember the incident in question was 6 weeks ago.<\/p>\n

Then I think I’ll bet that cheese stopped the poor person up for 6 weeks. I wonder if I gave them a pound of it, would I not see them till Spring?<\/p>\n

Nah… too cruel, the paramedics would have to hump the old person out in 3 feet of snow.<\/p>\n

I put a smile on my face. Although I’m well aware the smile is that of a predator, something akin to the wolfs smile that tipped Little Red Riding Hood off.  <\/p>\n

“You’re welcome… Now if you’ll excuse me I really must get back to my chores. Have a nice day.”<\/p>\n

By now the yard is flooded and I’m going to have to turn off the water for the next 5 hours waiting for the ground to dry out enough to be able to work on it.<\/p>\n

While I’m waiting for the yard to dry, I decide to do Poo patrol. I’m in my own little world listening to the birds tweeting and channeling St Mike Rowe so that I may complete the poo chores without heaving.<\/p>\n

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I’m along my fence line on the neighbors side of the fence there is a line of Cottonwood trees. The foliage is pretty dense, and the leaves make quite a racket in the breeze.<\/p>\n

“DID YOU GET ANY RASPBERRIES!!!”<\/strong> I swear to god, not 3 feet behind me. Poo goes flying, I stumble into the raspberry bushes swearing as the thorns find and rip my flesh.<\/p>\n

“Nope, your cottonwoods have sucked all the water out of the soil on this side of the yard and are killing the raspberry bushes”<\/p>\n

“I know… maybe I should get these trees out of here, they’re getting into my septic tank too.”<\/p>\n

\n

I’m picturing the absolutely lovely stench we’re going to be treated to, probably in some sweltering July.<\/p>\n

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I know this old fossil isn’t going to take any action and fear that I’m the one who’s going to;<\/p>\n

a) Find his rotting corpse.<\/p>\n

b) Have to remove the cottonwoods as an act of self preservation before they get into MY septic Tank.<\/p>\n

c) Deal with him burning his house down<\/p>\n

d) All of the above<\/p>\n

Hummm they’re doing all kinds of construction in the wash…. There are several backhoes and there will be lots of concrete being poured… Nah… too Godfather!<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

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I say, after making sure that the internal dialog isn’t cross connected to the external voice.<\/p>\n

“Yeah, you probably should get those trees taken care of before they damage your septic tank. That’s an expensive repair. It’s cheaper to have the trees yanked and replant something else.”<\/p>\n

“Well I don’t have a lot of money…”<\/p>\n

“Neither do I.”, I’m wondering is this guy asking me to pay for his shit? Cause that isn’t happening.<\/p>\n

He wanders off behind the trees.<\/p>\n

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I get myself out of the raspberries. Pick up the poo collection tools and recollect the poo that I spilled from the scoop when the neighbor startled me.<\/p>\n

“DO YOU WANT SOME TOAST?<\/strong>“<\/p>\n

Sigh…<\/p>\n

These raspberry bushes are never going to recover…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yeah, I know some people think I’m old. But I’m talking the really old folks  My complaint is based in the following scenarios. Scenarios, I might add which happen all too often sometime 3 & 4 times in the same day. I’m out in my yard, (Front or back) minding my own business. I could … <\/p>\n

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