Since 1992 I\u2019ve had 3 members of my immediate family die by suicide. In December I lost my Stepmother and her husband to natural causes.<\/p>\n
In January I lost my husband of 34 years.<\/p>\n
I bring you all up to date because there have been some of his friends who keep telling me they know how I feel.<\/p>\n
In short, they don\u2019t!<\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n These folks are trying to be kind and supportive. They wax on and on about how difficult it was for them to lose a sibling or a parent. Then they start telling me how I should live my life now.<\/p>\n My friends, those who really know me, have been very supportive and kind. They\u2019ve taken a step back and responded instantly when I\u2019ve asked for help. They\u2019ve done what I asked, maybe made a suggestion or two to make things go smoother and then butted out.<\/p>\n They\u2019re the ones, who like my brothers are concerned, but respect me enough to let me work through this gut punch in my own way. They\u2019ll text or call just randomly to ask how I\u2019m doing and that tells me I\u2019m in their thoughts. They\u2019ve lost parents and siblings, but they\u2019re not banging on about their trauma. They\u2019re providing a wall of strength, occasional guidance when asked, and staunch solid support.<\/p>\n The only people who know how I feel, are those who\u2019ve lost their spouses. There have been a couple of folks who\u2019ve come to me privately offering support or a shoulder. Some of them, I didn\u2019t even know had lost their spouse. I thought they\u2019d been through the more common event of divorce and were single by choice.<\/p>\n I appreciate their support and kindness. I think that them putting themselves in a position where my spouse\u2019s death could reopen their old wounds takes a lot of courage. Maybe someday I\u2019ll have that same courage, but I don\u2019t see that in my immediate future.<\/p>\n To the people that would tell me, \u201cI know just what you\u2019re feeling\u2026<\/em>”<\/p>\n I say this.<\/p>\n Until you\u2019ve bagged up shirts, pants, suits, ties, and shoes that you saw your spouse wear often, into garbage bags to go to a donation site. You have no fucking idea what I\u2019m feeling.<\/p>\n Until you\u2019ve occupied a house where the grim reaper\u2019s handiwork is laying on your bedroom floor for 9 hours, You don\u2019t know shit.<\/p>\n Until you\u2019ve cried yourself to sleep out of guilt and loneliness after masturbation. No words, anecdotes, or over sharing of your personal drama even compares.<\/p>\n Until the future you\u2019ll have to forge into alone yawns before you, almost everything you think you know is absolute and complete bullshit.<\/p>\n Nothing prepares anyone for losing a spouse that you\u2019ve spent almost your entire adult life with. It\u2019s massive! It\u2019s a kick to the balls and the kicking just doesn\u2019t stop.<\/p>\n Telling me \u201cYou\u2019ll have to sell object X, Y, or Z<\/em>,\u201d to keep the lights on, mentioning a person\u2019s name over and over but not providing a phone number after repeatedly being asked to do so isn\u2019t helpful.<\/p>\n It\u2019s cruel! Especially when the person you mentioned is hidden behind multiple websites with no fucking phone number on any of them. It\u2019s also not helpful at all to keep saying that the objects in question are valuable. Duhhhh! I fucking paid for them! The objects in question are also not the kind of things that sell like hotcakes, especially in this economy. Which means these objects are not instant income streams. Despite what you think.<\/p>\n So for those of you who keep saying, \u201cI know just how you feel,<\/em>\u201d shut the hell up!<\/p>\n You\u2019re not being supportive. You\u2019re not helping, all you\u2019re doing is ripping the bandage off again and again and pissing me off. I\u2019ve got better things to do right now than listen to you blather on about your trauma and attempting to use me as a free psychologist.<\/p>\n You deal with your own shit and leave me to deal with mine.<\/p>\n Yeah\u2026 There are some phone calls you just let go to voicemail!<\/p>\n I’m getting better at that every freakin day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Since 1992 I\u2019ve had 3 members of my immediate family die by suicide. In December I lost my Stepmother and her husband to natural causes. In January I lost my husband of 34 years. I bring you all up to date because there have been some of his friends who keep telling me they know … <\/p>\n