Insomnia Sucks

It’s happening more and more often now.

I’ll go to bed because I’m dog tired, then I’ll wake up an hour or two later and not be able to get back to sleep.

Sometimes it’s a noise that wakes me, sometimes it’s nightmares, and sometimes it’s just this weird super tension in my shoulders.

I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m going to get a massage next week, maybe that will help. I have vague memories of my Dad being like this. Whenever I asked him if he was Okay, his automatic response was;

“I’m fine Son, go back to bed, you shouldn’t be up so late.”

Of course in retrospect neither should he.

I remember his Lucky smoldering in the ashtray as he stubbed it out to herd me back to bed. He’d tuck me in, pat me and say goodnight, then return to the couch light another smoke, and go back to reading his book.

Except, he wasn’t reading, he’d be on the same page for hours. He was thinking about stuff, stuff that he didn’t feel like he could share.

I wonder if he was thinking about the same kinds of things that I do in the dead of night. I’ll never know for sure but I suspect the answer is yes.

My Dad had an amazing “public face”. You only got to see what was behind the mask if you watched very closely. Even then, it was only a glimpse.

I used to think that my Dad’s mask had become a trap. You saw most of the time, only what you were supposed to see. 

You never saw weakness, or fear, and only rarely sadness.

I sometimes pictured my Dad as The Man in The Iron Mask.

Now, having been around the block a few times. I’ve learned that most people, even your closest friends and family don’t want to see you without The Mask.

This is especially true if you’re a man. No matter what the FemNazi’s say… A strong silent Man is what they really want. The minute you get touchy-feely it’s over!

If you’re touchy-feely, you’re one of the girls and subject to the pecking order.  The guy who kept his own council and did what the hell he knew was right, is the one who’s respected.

He’s the Alpha Male, all the rest are betas or less.

I don’t smoke anymore. But tonight, I’m going to do something else my Dad did on sleepless nights.

I’m going to have a drink, I’m going to think about shit over a glass.

I’m going to address my demons, come up with a plan, and when I lay down I’m going to remember just for a moment being that little boy in the middle of the night getting tucked in by my Dad.

As I drift off to sleep…

I’ll silently thank my Dad for The Mask.

Sleepless night

First Coldof the season

I think I’ve got the first cold of the season or yet one more thing is blooming that has my sinuses trying to kill me.

I was feeling so puny last night that I went to bed around 9:30. I’m laying there listening to some music and just drifting off when the sweet, but dumb as a post, dog decided to step over the dog that has been recovering from a hip sprain, and start panting in my face.

I tell him it’s OK and expected him to go on his way. He didn’t, instead he laid down in a spot that I’m surprised could accommodate his fat ass. I wonder if dogs somehow manage to warp space when they lay down.

That doesn’t follow. If they climb onto the bed with you, then they somehow manage occupy the entire bed. Humm maybe it does track, maybe the rule is they occupy all available space in a given area regardless of the volume of that space.

I start another album playing and start to drift off again.

The other half comes to bed about 11. I start to drift off again. Snoring erupts from the other side of the bed. It’s 11:15, a few well placed jabs in the ribs and a rough approximation of silence prevails. Then the sweet dog starts farting. 

Snake Oil

I swear I could bottle that stuff. Dr. Carney’s sure fire sinus opener and paint remover. 

But in addition to the farting, he’s gone all OCD on licking and rattling the closet door in the process. Then the snoring starts from the other side of the bed again!  It’s 11:25

Okay! I’m awake! Unfortunately, I’m also spun up. There’s no going back to sleep for a while. And I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck with body aches, and a jackhammer of a headache.

They say if you’re awake and can’t go back to sleep, you should get out of bed and do something constructive until you’re ready to sleep. 

MartyMcFly Guitar

“Okay, well the house does need to be vacuumed. I’m behind on my guitar practice, I could practice that Metallica riff I’ve been trying to master,” picturing Marty McFly in Back to the Future.  I think to myself, “That’s just me being cranky.” 

I instead tried to write a blog post which ended up in this mornings trash. Trying to write when you’ve got a headache that makes you wonder if the movie Scanners was for real and if you’re currently being scanned, is a really bad idea.

Scanners

Suffice it to say that the trash is too good for that blog, it should’ve been completely erased from existence at the moment of creation. 

So here I am, awake this morning, feeling better although my sinuses are still pissed off.

The sweet dumb dog is trying to make it up to me but he clearly doesn’t understand what my problem was. Nor should he, he was just being his normal sweet self, the problem was all mine and there wasn’t anything he could have done to help. (Aside from perhaps sleeping on his cushion with his behind pointed toward the open sliding door.)

I did finally get some sleep. Eventually, I laid down on the bed in the spare room and drifted off.

I’m having a second cup of coffee and trying to decide what I want for breakfast.

I think I’m taking today very easy.

One of those nights.

I was tired, so I started getting ready for bed. The routine is pretty simple. Turn off the damn talking heads on the “News” I was only listening for the weather report anyway. Pick up the glass of whatever I’m drinking usually water or tea. Refill as necessary and set by the bed. Plug in the phone, and any other devices that need recharging. Make sure the dogs have water and a bite or two of food in case they get up in the night. Then say goodnight to the dogs, give them their nuzzle and tell them they’re good boys.

The dogs respond by going to their cushions in the bedroom while I’m checking the locks on the doors. They’re typically snoozing by the time I’m dropping the last of my clothing on the floor.

Sometimes, though between the point that I realize I’ve been dozing in my recliner and the time that I’m dropping my clothes on the floor, I get a second wind.

That happened tonight. 

LaptopGuy

So here I am all undressed with no place to go.

I’ve tried reading, and there is absolutely nothing of interest. Another mistake was looking for an image of a guy in bed with his laptop, for this post.

All of the clean images are owned by ShutterStock who I personally loath and the rest are owned by Getty Images. It’s added a little frustration to the frustration of suddenly not feeling like sleeping.

I’m also in no mood to try the trusty male tranquilizer for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that will turn into a furball with the other half and I’m really not in the mood for dealing with anybody’s feelings hurt or otherwise.

I’ve got six hours left on this battery. That should take straight on till morning. After 2AM I can at least get full speed on the damn satellite… Maybe I’ll watch a little internet porn.

What was it the guy on South Park  was watching? 

Brazillian pole dancers with skull beauty marks drinking beer with a straw?

I hope you’re sleeping better than I am.

One of those nights…

Hell

It’s hot. 

Not brutally HELL hot, but warm enough that sleep is hard to come by.

Like most guys I’ve already tried using our built-in sleeping aid. Multiple times! There’s only so many times you can get your rocks off and not fall asleep before you say fuck it!

That’s where I am now. The fuckit phase. My body is happily relaxed, I’m sitting here at my desk naked as the day I was born, albeit a bit hairier. The other half is tossing and turning, and snoring so loud it’s rattling the walls. This may be one of those nights where I sleep here in the office / guest room.  I have a tall glass of water but am contemplating something stronger. 

Rise of the Guardians Sandman

The Sandman is freakin late! I have a good mind to punch him square in the face when he does finally come.

It’s supposedly not a good idea to work on computers or iPads if you’re trying to fall asleep. but I don’t want to lay in bed looking at the ceiling wondering if I should abuse and frustrate myself again. Besides, I’m running low on personal lubricant! After all there’s only so many orgies you can host before your lube supply shows the strain.

So here I am blogging.

Recently I’ve been asking myself why I blog at all. The answer seems to be that this fulfills a need to express myself and I think of the blog as more like a diary of sorts. It’s obviously not like the locked up super secret private journal that many people keep. No, this is out there and public, and would probably prevent me from seeking political office.

Maybe that too is a good thing, I’m not sure I could sell my soul the way our politicians have to just to get elected. I don’t lie very well.

03 19 2014 plaid  7

Don’t get me wrong… I can lie better than any politician you care to name. It’s just that I choose to live telling as few lies as is possible. “Yes that dress has a slimming effect on you.” (Subconsciously, I’m thinking, “in the same way black slims down the size of an 18 wheeler.”)

Lying about my principals, or core beliefs is something that I’d rather not do. My preference is to simply keep my mouth shut and in extreme cases; at a party for example, I’ll have another drink. The trouble is, if I were running for office I’d be drunk off my ass most of the time.  Maybe that would work. Our politicians seem to be drunk or high more often than not. I’d hate to believe that they were naturally as stupid and dishonest as they appear to be. Realistically, they probably are, but that’s another discussion.

Porn?

Kiss, kiss, kiss, lick, lick, lick, suck, suck, suck, fuck, fuck, fuck, ropey globs of cum, artificially happy & satisfied, expressions. The dudes in gay films are happy because they just made 3k! Hell, I’d be smiling too! I don’t know what the pay scale is for the cast in a straight movie. I suppose the women are paid pretty well, but the dudes aren’t.  Thus the saying, “gay for pay.”

However, while I usually don’t make it through the first scene of a porn flick before I fall asleep. Most porn is predictable. Well, at least the first 5 minutes of the first scenes, that’s usually all I see before I’m off in dreamland. Tonight it’s unlikely that will work

DoleQueue

I’m amped about jobs, and money, and trying to chart a future (and failing) which is adding to my angst. That’s how I can be physically very relaxed and mentally my brain is in overdrive.  

Funny, my writing this seems to have quieted my mind. 

Gentle reader you should probably book mark this one, if my writing it put me to sleep, You reading it should work pretty much like the best sleeping pill you can buy.

Donations gratefully accepted!

Good night!

I don’t think today is going to be all that productive

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It was another one of those nights.

I’d gone to bed a little early, then I get woken up by the other half getting into bed. I rolled over and fell back to sleep. 

An hour later I wake up because the bed is vibrating, at first I think it’s an earth quake. Then I hear through the ear plugs I MUST wear to get any sleep at all that the other half is snoring and the vibration is translating into the bed.

“ROLL OVER!” 

NewImage

Snuffling, snorting grumbling from the other side of the bed. Back to sleep. Forty five minutes later I wake up with my throat burning. At first I think its smoke or something I’m breathing has irritated my throat. I get up, check the house, all is well the alarm system says nothing is wrong as well.

I go back to bed, & fall asleep again.

An hour after that, apparently I’m sleeping with The Three Stooges. “Whistle, snort, pepepepepepepe, Whistle, snort, pepepepepepe…”

NewImage

Right that’s it! I get out of bed grab my sleeping bag and head out to the couch.

I get settled sans earplugs which is a welcome relief. I can hear the wind in the trees outside the house, I’m just drifting off when;

lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick, lick

Starts.

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One of the dogs has decided to go all OCD about licking his paws. I growl at the dog to stop, several times. He doesn’t until I get out of the sleeping bag and he decides I’m serious, then it’s silent as a tomb. I get back into the sleeping bag and get settled again. 

Lick… lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick,lick, lick, lick. 

GRRRRRRRR!

I’m seriously thinking about going to the garage and sleeping in my car!

DOG!!!

Licking stops, silence in the house. I go back to sleep.

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An hour later I wake up sweating, not the sweating of being too hot, but that sweat that happens after a fever breaks. Ahhh that might explain why I’m a bit hyper sensitive tonight.

I get up, grab a hand towel and wipe the sweat off my chest and neck. I toss the towel on the coffee table and crawl back into the sleeping bag. I’m asleep almost instantly.

A short time later I wake up because I hear the heater kicking on, it’s warming the house in preparation for our normal routine I must be about 5 am I’m sweating again so Im thinking a fever broke. My throat doesn’t burn anymore so that’s a good sign.

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I dry off again and am thankful that I’m sleeping in a silk sleeping bag liner. The liner is a hell of a lot easier to wash than the sleeping bag.

I fall back to sleep…

Dawn wakes me. Sunlight streaming in the sliders off the living room. I guess I’m up but I can’t keep a thought in my head.  Maybe a couple cups of coffee will help me do the stuff I’ve gotta do today. I’m completely exhausted, but thankfully I don’t feel sick.

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I’ll take a couple of fever sweats during the night over being sick anytime. But I really do need to get at least a few consecutive nights of decent uninterrupted sleep!

Oh look, squirrel!