It’s been a weird busy week.

Not that I’m complaining about it. 

The week has been a weird one. It’s the one year anniversary of Jerry’s death. I was feeling it a little, but nothing unexpected, and in a way, now that I’ve been through a whole year there’s a sense of relief.

Part of it is distance from him having died and part of it is that now that I’ve been through all the holidays and special days I’m somewhat relieved and confident about having survived. Oh sure I was a little melancholy and nostalgic…

I’m still standing.

Monday into Tuesday

I was struck by the memory that on those dates it was the beginning of the end. I’d seen him carried out the door to the hospital unconscious and unresponsive. Most of that memory was fear and intense worry coupled with trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay.

Just a few days later he was dead.

Wednesday

Nothing much happened, I was cleaning and tossing but the day passed in a bit of a fog

Thursday,

Was the actual date… The day Jerry died. I spent with the dog, quietly. 

Friday

I was at the temple for service and that was nice. It was music Jerry arranged or had a particular fondness for. After the service, one of the congregants said they were still upset and a little angry that Jerry had passed on. They said, “You must still be feeling that way too.” 

“Oddly,” I explained, “I don’t. I still miss him terribly, but we had 34 years together. Most of those years were good ones. The years we had were more than many people get. Divorce, illness, accidents, all cut time spent with someone. That we found each other, loved, and endured for all that time was a gift. Of course I’d like to have more time but I’m thankful for what I got.”

The congregant nodded and said I had a good attitude. I suppose maybe I do.

Saturday 

I had a lot on fun and pretty much spent all day yesterday laughing my ass off. 

A long overdue get together with two men I’ve known for 44 years finally happened. We had a drink, in my case two… we wandered, talked, laughed, and enjoyed being together once again.

This get together should have been called the Fixed Income tour!  It was the first time that all three of us got together after having retired.

We met when we were starting out, I remember those first paychecks, waiting in line to buy gas, and wondering why so much of our puny paychecks was whittled away in taxes. 

What I didn’t know then was that these friends would in fact remain lifelong friends who cared, and for whom I cared, about all these years.

To be honest, a shit ton of people pass through our lives. Some of them you’re happy to see go, others you can’t hold onto, time and life pulls you apart, and the last and best category are friends that are constants like stars in the sky.

(Yes, I know stars aren’t forever… Shut it! Science brain. I’m waxing all poetical… The stars in the sky will outlast us and the planet!)

Yesterday  I managed to walk right past a couple of Pro-Palestein protestors with their flags and stupid slogans and not challenge them. My two friends were hanging back a bit as we passed, whether to help if I lost control and shot my mouth off, or to just laugh if shot my mouth off and started a riot, I’m not sure. Perhaps a bit of both…

When we were going to pass the protestor’s spot again I wished I had a lighter because I wondered if I could legally burn their flags. The question popped out of my head following the logic that you can burn an American flag with impunity so why not a foreign flag?

It appeared that the Palestinian protestors had gone home for the day, protesting and waving flags being such hard work. (Dudes, you didn’t have to go to the gym on arms day!)  I presume they were drowning their sorrows about Gaza with a lovely half caf double latte, a hot meal prepared by someone else, and a bong full of the latest variation of pot they’d procured. Their lives are, after all, soooo difficult. 

I was gratified to note that there were only two Palestinian flags and it didn’t look like a lot of people were paying attention to the protestors. Maybe as Americans tend to do, we’re just getting bored hearing about it. Seen any Ukraine flags lately?

I suggested at one point that perhaps the three of us could go on a stealing spree through all the high end stores at the Glendale Galleria in keeping with the times. There was some question about what exactly the cash limit was before it became a felony. Since all of us are planners and have expensive tastes we couldn’t come to consensus about what we could steal and how much. Next time though…

We’re gonna shock the world as the “Geriatric Three”. At our ages it would be the perfect capper to our lives. Mug Shots in our 60s! I wonder if the police are more afraid of arresting old guys than young guys? The young guys are more like brawlers in a school yard, lots of swinging but not much damage.

Old guys though, well, we’re JUST PLAIN MEAN! Next time I see one of the local sheriffs maybe I’ll ask.

I even noticed I was “Hunting” there were some interesting people at the mall and I wasn’t being too subtle about checking them out. It’s been a year, I could start dating again without it being unseemly. I noticed I was doing something I swore I’d never do, I was being a little chicken-hawkish. Some of the guys I was noticing were so young, mid 30s to early 40s. My god! They could easily be my kid!

They were safe… The only way I could’ve caught them was if I was riding on one of those mobility scooters you see old folks riding in the park. The eye candy was nice. I knew some of them were pretty to look at but wholly incompatible with me or any of my beliefs. Perhaps it’s just as well that time and age is slowing me down a bit.

The way my knee was acting up toward the end of the day, I’m probably going to be in the market for a good cane soon. When I got home last night I think the health app said I’d walked 7 miles yesterday. I know I’d walked 1.5 miles with the dog in the early morning before heading to Glendale but was surprised that the total had ended up so high.

My knee didn’t start really acting up until later in the day. I’d tweaked it again on Wednesday or Thursday and had to ice it.

All told yesterday, aside from being slow to start working after we’d been sitting for a while, it wasn’t too bad,  It’s probably a sign that I should increase my walking distance and start stretching a bit more to continue rebuilding strength in both knees. 

One of my friends described being at a Mall as something approximating Hell in his estimation. After seeing Duck-lipped women, men with painted fingernails wearing too short, “skinny jeans” as fashion statements, and too many languages to count he might have a point. 

I’m reminded that I’ve been fairly isolated, preferring to stick close to home. Some would say it’s a holdover from the COVID lockdowns, in truth, it started prior to COVID. I’d been living in San Diego and in close contact due to apartment dwelling, and I’d become super tired of people in general.

The point is, that because I’ve not been around a lot of folks I’m even more uncomfortable in crowds these days. Not that I’m a germaphobe but I’m mindful that my immune system hasn’t needed to be as active in recent years as it had in the past. Without being exposed to the filth of humanity daily, your immune system starts eating Bon Bons and doing its nails.

So I might end up with some stupid late winter cold, but being out in the world with my friends was totally worth it.

The next time we get together perhaps it should be here. We could cook out on the grill, listen to music, and laugh watching the sun track across the mountains, while listening to the sound of light breezes in the trees. Bonus, the dog would be happy with new people to annoy!

The dog is currently pissed at me. He was alone two consecutive nights and missed our ball time. Thankfully the temps have been very moderate but both nights the wind picked up before I got home. He hates the wind!  So last night he pointed the stinky end at me and slept at the foot of the bed.

I’m going to have to make it up to him. 

But that will have to wait until tomorrow. 

Today, Sunday, I’m going to lunch with one of Jerry’s friends and then I’m looking forward to resting a bit on Monday.

Then it’s back to sorting and tossing the accumulated crap. I’m still shooting for having the house on the market in spring. If something happens between now and then to change that desire, it will still be okay because I wont’ have a bunch of crap.

I hope everyone is in as good a space as I am. Uh OH, the Dog is looking for me. It’s time for me to get dressed and take him for a walk.

Okay, my day is completely off the rails.

And I don’t mind one little bit!

The pup woke me about 1AM because he had the hiccups and wanted to go out. He came back in about 30 minutes later and was not his usual bouncy self. He curled up on the couch, and I sat with him for another half hour while he snoozed next to me.

Sometimes if he’s not feeling well, he’ll need to go out several times in quick succession. Last night he didn’t, do the usual thing. After a while I went back to bed and he joined me taking his usual spot at the foot of the bed.

About 6:45AM I’ve got a puppy nose in my ear. Opening my eyes, I see a very worried look on the pups face.

I know that look!

I roll out of bed and he’s already at the sliding door. I open the door, and he makes it out onto the deck and tosses his cookies. I’m pulling on sweats and heading for a kettle of water to rinse the deck. He’s already down stairs in the yard retching again.

You feel so helpless when they’re sick. After a couple of minutes he comes slowly back up the stairs. I open the slider and follow him inside. He gets a small drink of water, then jumps back up on the couch curled up Husky fashion.

That’s where we are now, I’m sitting here beside him. He’s not curled up, instead he’s alternating between having his head propped against the arm of the couch, or having his head propped against me. (I think the alternation is about being too hot on one side or the other.)

So my day is now all about attending to my sick friend. It’s only fair, he’s taken very good care of me these past months so I’m happy to return the favor.

I notice that he wakes up every half hour or so, looks around, finds me in the room, then goes back to sleep. I guess he figures I’m watching the doors and windows for him so he’s safe and all is well.

I’m going to try for a nap later in the day. But right now I think I’ll tackle the job search. At least I’ll be able to knock that off my ToDo list.

I’m not looking forward to dating…

Yes, I’m still a ways off from that. Nonetheless I’m not looking forward to it.

The reason is straight forward.

Statistically all gay men are Democrats. Sure, there are actually some republican gay men, and there are some conservative gay men. However their numbers are so vanishingly small as to be numerically insignificant. Therefore they don’t exist.

Given the premise that all gay men are Democrats and all Democrats are liars, it follows that all gay men are liars.

I’m sure there are gay men who are not liars, but statistically the number of honest gay men must be so close to zero, as to be functionally zero.

Since I don’t like liars, I’m expecting for dating to be pretty unpleasant.

My other half was a Democrat when we met. I was a Republican. That was back when gay men were just happy to find someone else who loved them and didn’t care about stupid crap like politics. Sure, we canceled each others votes out for years, but over time, we both moved to a more centrist view and then both left our respective political parties so we could hurl insults at Democrats and Republicans, without being hypocrites.

The process of us moving toward more centrist beliefs took many years, and honestly, it was a fun process. We both learned a lot. Mostly, we learned that we loved each other.

I doubt I have that many years ahead of me so I’m not going to engage in another long term conversion project. I have decided in general that I’m not going to date Democrats. Of course rules are made to be broken and someone who is particularly interesting could be forgiven their political insanity.

Given what I’ve seen with the dating apps & sites. I’ll Pass! I think I’ll find a bar or pub that’s comfortable when I want to be around people and other than that I’ll just live my life doing the things I want to do.

There are things I’m interested in and perhaps with a little discretion I’ll find other guys who are interested in those things too. Maybe I’ll just get some nice subtle rainbow items. (Old rainbow not that new abomination!)

Something to hang on my backpack or dive gear, small but noticeable to the discerning eye. Possibly I’ll add some swag from my political party affiliation too. I could also add some swag from the Atlas Shrugged website… That would be over most people’s heads, but some might get it.

This adornment might be off-putting to most, but to the kind of folks I’m interested in hanging out with, or knowing in the biblical sense, it might be a way of winnowing the wheat from the chaff.

Alternatively, I could simply resolve to confine my dating to nothing more than prostitutes…

“Your cash is on the counter Chad, thanks for the mediocre blowjob, now get out.”

I must admit that does seem to be more direct, more convenient, and quite possibly cheaper …