December 1st ????

This year has flown by!

Pretty soon it’s going to be snowy again.

I guess it’s not really surprising. Time seems to slip by faster as we get older. (At least I’ve noticed it more.) I’ve had a lot on my mind and been working through a bunch more emotional stuff. With those kinds of distractions it was easy for the time to slip  away.

On the plus side of things, Over the past week or so, I’ve been feeling lighter,  while I’m still unsure about a lot of things I don’t feel as weighted down or crushed as I have for the past year.

This isn’t just because we’re in the “Festive Season”. I haven’t even decided if I’m going to do the tree thing this year or not. It’s just me and the dog and Santa isn’t likely to come down my chimney.

I think there’s been enough time pass that there’s distance between Jerry’s passing and right here, right now. I miss him but it’s not the sharp dagger that it was. 

I make no guarantees about how I’ll feel mid January. But this first year of holidays and seasons changing has been hard. Two more to go and I’ll have survived them all. 

I’m not trying to rush the season, but I feel like making it to mid January is a milestone and somehow after that, I’ll be less burdened or sad. I have no proof that will be the case but it “Feels” that way.

It’s time to bust out the Die Hard Franchise, and Lethal Weapon just because they’re Christmassy I know Bruce Willis would disagree but Die Hard has been such a tradition for years I can’t resist.

It’s getting easier for me to toss things in the trash. It sounds stupid but after spending years worrying if I was throwing something of the other half’s away that was important. I was having a tough time getting over the habit. Nothing of his is important to him anymore, the only important any of it has is that which I assign to it.

I’m noticed I’m happier because the house looks less cluttered. There’s still a long way to go but it’s better and improves my general outlook on life too. 

I’m moving in the direction that I want to go. Whether I keep this place, or pack everything up and move, I’ll still need to be free of tons of useless stuff. Long range, my plan is to clear enough of the garage out that I can move my stuff from a storage facility up here. That will save me some cash monthly, and allow me to sort, sell, or trash stuff I don’t want or need.

If I’m going to move, I want the moving truck to be as small as possible.

There’s no place else to go.

CherI saw Cher spewed some comment about leaving the USA if Trump was to be re-elected. See YA!

I’m not trying to be mean about it but I recall a lot of Hollywood saying they’d leave the USA if Trump was elected in the first place. They’re all still here so I suspect either they’re a bunch of liars (Possible & Likely…) OR a lot of these loud mouths figured out that there’s no-place else to go. 

No-where on the planet would they be as free to act the way they act here. Most other places wouldn’t allow them to shoot their mouths off about the leaders of the nation, and most wouldn’t allow these Hollywood types to indulge in their various vices either.

Where are you gonna go Cher?? Really?

I too have wrestled with this question. Not over Trump, but over Obama!

About half way through Obama’s first term I concluded that the Hope and Change he’d promised wasn’t actually making things any better. I felt we’d only handed the reins of power over to someone else who was more about the power than the people.

I was very disappointed. I had high hopes that Obama could and would make changes that benefited everyone. I thought this was probable because of Obama’s upbringing. I was wrong…

That’s when I really began to feel very alienated. It wasn’t about his race it was about the way others responded to his race. All I wanted was someone to bring the government to heel, I honestly didn’t care about the person’s color or gender all I wanted was better, smaller, government. Boy, did I bet on the wrong damn horse!

I started looking for places to move. I tried to convince my other half that we’d be better off someplace else. I was thinking other countries. I was looking for someplace where the law was in fact the law. Where rules meant something, A place where no-one gave a shit about your race, gender, sexuality, or whatever. The only criteria that mattered was what you as an individual brought to the table to contribute.

My other half being much wiser than me said, “When you find a place, babe we’ll discuss it.” He knew I’d never find a place that met my criteria. Because he knew intimately the failures of humanity and the best and most redeeming qualities as well. He saw people through a lens of religion at their best and worst.

He wasn’t a Saint, but I’d say he could give a lot of folks in the running for sainthood, some stiff competition. 

For all the fucked up mess that we’ve allowed to become the norm in this country, The USA is still the best option. Aside from the fact that you’re double taxed if you’re a citizen living abroad, and that if you choose to give up your US citizenship the USA makes you buy your way out… Both situations I REALLY am opposed to!

Being in another country may not be the best way to go. There’s a cultural context that is hard to get around. We Americans are loud, we’re bossy, we’re arrogant, and it’s not that we’re trying to be any of these things, it’s that we are used to having so much, that when we’re confronted with any limitations, we get obnoxious. Some might say childish.

In my travels outside the USA I’ve witnessed more Americans than not, being assholes unintentionally. It’s usually been due to something fundamental in the culture of the country we were visiting, that my fellow Americans or I missed.

Magnify those social faux pas by thousands and you not “getting” why things are done a particular way in another country and over time, you’re going to feel not at home. Sure you’ll adapt to a lot of things, but you’ll never “get” it all.

It’s tough to feel like you never really belong. Oh, at first you don’t really notice that you don’t belong, you think over time you’ll blend in. To some extent that is true. But the more different the culture or local beliefs the less you’re likely to really blend in and feel comfortable and at home.

I feel that, in California. I’ve been here 40 years or longer. I function here, but between the basic differences in the way California has always done things, and the accumulation of more radical changes over time, I’ve become less and less comfortable here. This fact was slammed home to me when I noticed my blood pressure dropped 10 points on trips outside California. Imagine waking up in a strange hotel after driving all day long, not eating right, fast food, too much salt, and your bp is 10 points lower than when you wake up in your own house.

Where Will You GoI was on my way out of California 35-36 years ago. My plan got derailed because I fell in love.

My plan’s derailment was made less difficult because when we met, he lived in a little mountain town that was a lot like where I came from. When we moved in together, I moved to that mountain town and was actually pretty comfortable. Over time, my comfort level has diminished because the town has changed right along with California. By California standards we’re a redneck town. Comparing the town today, to the town when I first moved up here, My little town is a lot like what California was 40 years ago. 

I saw the changes in California overall, and in my little town in particular. I stayed because of my other half. Now that he’s gone, I find myself reconsidering the original plan to go back to an area of the country where I am culturally compatible.

My desire to move to another country entirely has abated somewhat. I do still like the thought of a small house overlooking a Fjord, miles from anyone else. This is horribly impractical at my age and while it’s a nice fantasy, perhaps even a bucket list item for a vacation, it’s not something I can see as a permanent residence.

What I can see, is a place in this country where I don’t feel like an alien. I’d like to be someplace where speaking my mind isn’t fraught with the high likelihood that I’ll be involved in an altercation.

As a kid, I was surrounded several times by black kids who tended to bully other smaller kids. They behaved like a pack surrounding their prey then throwing punches when the prey’s back was turned. Since you were trapped in a circle there was no way you weren’t going to get hurt. This led to my not being comfortable in crowds for most of my life. I really need to have space around me and most people notice I’m always scanning the area. My looking past you isn’t meant as an insult, It’s a safety measure. One I was taught at the brutal hands of black bullies who thought it was fun or funny to hurt people smaller than they were. They only stopped bullying me when they thought I’d lost my mind, I started hunting the leaders of “The Pack” and attacking them when they were alone. You cause damage to a bully, and make them fear you then suddenly they stop bullying you.

I’ve been seeing more of this “pack” behavior across the nation, It’s not limited to any particular racial group, it’s become commonplace in larger cities and it seems to be more prevalent in large liberal populations than in places that are more conservative leaning. Of course that’s not a hard fast rule but it’s a general guide. I’m sure that beating the fuck out of the leaders of these “New Packs” would be as effective today as it was when I was in school. I’d prefer to void the problem entirely. One way to do that is to move someplace where the majority of people feel and think like I do.

It’s kind of like the Starbucks rule. If you’re looking at moving into a particular neighborhood, count how many Starbucks shops there are. The more affluent and crime free the neighborhood, the more Starbucks you’ll find. The exception to this rule might be Seattle. The last time I was there, Starbucks shops were on every corner, including four shops in one shopping plaza.

I fully understand that this actually leads to polarization. There was a time when I’d have thought that was a bad thing, but now… Not so much. I’d be happy if the place I choose to live is about a 50/50 mix. But I’m looking for a place that’s more like a 60/40 mix, Conservative / Liberal. 70/30 and I’d be ecstatic.

This is in part driven by the fact that I don’t understand a lot of the rules in play in California anymore. I’m looking to go back to places where most of the rules I was raised with are still in force. I don’t want to have to deal with a pack of humans rampaging, I don’t want to be trapped in a Starbucks by BLM protestors demanding compliance and adherence to their beliefs ever again. I didn’t like that I couldn’t leave, I had no weapons but my fists, and so many other people in the place were effectively saying “Yes Massa”.

I want to be in a place where I can carry a weapon but that it’s unlikely I’ll need to. That’s a funny equation, in places where constitutional carry exists, there are a lot of folks who don’t carry a gun because they know they don’t need to. It’s actually funny because that’s sort of the description of herd immunity. Not everyone has to be inoculated because enough of the population are, that disease transmission is nil.

I want to live in a place where kindness and courtesy are valued. I’d like to live someplace where I know my neighbors and interact with them in beneficial ways.

I decided that no asshole President was going to make me leave my country. They’re only in office 8 years max, so who cares? Obama, Trump, Biden, Bush, Clinton, Nixon, they all came and went but the country remained.

People like Cher should be way more concerned with Congress. Those shitty hacks stay in office long enough to really cause changes and honestly, those changes are a lot more long lasting and dangerous than what the President does.

If she and others like her want to move someplace, Maybe they should consider moving to places in the USA where folks think more like they do. Cher is in California, maybe she should stay here. Soon she’s going to have one less conservative leaning Californian to contend with. I won’t be cancelling her vote for President Dumbass in the next election.

Now, If I could get off this planet entirely… That’s gonna be another story!

How I know it’s time to go home…

Alright, I’m not proud of this but I’ve got to own it.

I went shopping on Thursday. I drove a ways to get to a shopping center where there was a Costco, Petco, Boot Barn, Office Depot, and a Ralphs all in close proximity to each other.

I actually had a pretty nice time. I got some sweatpants and underwear at Costco, picked up some USB memory sticks at Office Depot, got dog treats at a very nice Petco and shopped the Boot Barn because I like boots.

I’m not Imelda Marcos… BUT I COULD BE!

I also got my steps for the day in. The only time I had to move the car was to go to the Ralphs grocery store. It is close to all the rest of the stores but is still a few blocks away.

Getting into the parking lot was easy and the lot itself was pretty empty. I scored a parking spot right next to the Handicapped spots, grabbed my shopping bags and went to buy groceries. When I come out, I’m in a pretty good mood although I wasn’t thrilled with the cash I’d just spent. 

Bigstock Single Car In Empty Parking Lo 3211233

I was thinking as I put groceries into the trunk that I’d need to see how far I could stretch the food and do better at coupons and such. Turning to get the next bag out of the cart I notice a car double parked with the driver waiting inside and watching me.

Yep! The fucker was waiting on the spot I was in, with a parking lot full of empty spots. But this asshole was waiting on my spot. He Literally could have driven to the next aisle over and parked his piece of shit nose to nose with my vehicle. The parking spot in front of my car had been empty when I pulled in and was still empty.

But NOOOO!

This fucker needed to have the spot I was occupying, and he was creating a traffic jam to do it. 

I’m Sorry but this kind of stupid shit really sets me off.

In thinking about it I think it pisses me off because in a way it’s passive aggressive, it’s bullying, and it’s trying to rush me. That may not have been what this moron was trying to accomplish but it sure as hell is how it felt to me!

I can understand this behavior at Christmas when the lots literally have zero spaces available. But mid day in a lot where there are tons of other spaces to park??? Nah it’s bullshit!

I tried to shrug it off. Then I got into my car and realized that I couldn’t see the son of a bitch. I knew he was there and I knew he’d crowded the space enough that I might not be able to make the turn out of the parking space to go the direction I wanted to go. I might have to, because of this asshole, go the opposite direction, then have to thread my way through pedestrian traffic and other people trying to park and maneuver around this guy.

It’s at about this time, my ASSHOLE switch got flipped!

I refused to go the direction this fucker was trying to impose on me. I chirped the tires backing out of the parking slot and came within inches of hitting this fool. He managed to back up just in time.

I wasn’t done! I was really pissed off because what had been such a lovely shopping experience has suddenly turning into confrontation due to a rude thoughtless selfish motherfucker.

I went to the end of the lane and came around again just in time to roll my window down and tell this stupid fuck exactly what I thought of him, his family, his mother’s marital status when he was born, and suggested that he’d eaten too much lead paint when he was a child. (Yes I could say many of these things because the dumb fuck was about my age and he’d understand what I was saying.)

I also pointed out that there were no less than six other empty parking spots all equidistant from the grocery store’s door that he could have selected and that in the time he was waiting for me to pull out, he could have been in the damn store doing his shopping.

Then I drove off flipping him the bird out my sunroof!

That was only the beginning.

VehiclesTraffic was okay until I got within 10 miles of home. At that point one of the traffic behaviors that sends me into a blind rage was in full effect. 

All the lanes were moving at the same approximate speed with a mile or two of wide open space ahead of a bunch of drivers like sheep blocking all the lanes. They were pacing the 18 wheelers.

This is something that has been happening a lot lately on the freeway to my exit. There’s no reason for it, it just seems as though everyone decides to start playing pace cars while they’re drooling on themselves.

This is also why it often takes over an hour to go 20 miles near my place. There’s no rhyme or reason, just everyone gets stupid at the same moment. The spell lasts until one or two drivers like myself, a.k.a. impatient with stupidity, manage to punch through and accelerate away from the slack jawed crowd. 

It’s like once the morons see cars moving away, they decide to catch up. I’ve wondered sometimes if there was no change, no outside influence, would these people just keep slowing with everyone else until they came to a stop.

I’ve rarely seen this driving behavior outside California. I saw someone similar once passing through Phoenix but didn’t think anything more about it because so much of Arizona is full of California drivers.

Werewolfbreakingfree

Past New Mexico, driving across country you don’t see this kind of stupid. I take that back… Houston does it. 

I punched through passing a fucking Prius doing 60 in the fast lane where the speed limit is 70. Then made it to my exit, I was by this time in no mood to take the long way which is also less steep up the mountain. I hit the steep windy road and did 90 all the way.

I need to watch for mounting impatience with idiot people and leave for home at the first sign. If I wait and continue to deal with “The Stupid” I’ll lose my shit.

Unfortunately, sometimes “The Stupid” comes looking for me, and then, well, I’m probably gonna respond with howling insanity and make a fool out of myself.

The other half really did a remarkable job of holding me back from the abyss. I miss him and his calm reassurance. I also miss him reading me and sometimes deciding it was time for us to leave a place, or him taking me someplace quiet so I could cool down.

Maybe I’m still a little more raw than I think I am. 

He’d have said the guy waiting on my particular space wasn’t doing what he was doing to annoy me, he’d have said the guy was probably just completely checked out or had smoked too much dope. I’d have asked why I was the one always having to give everybody a pass. 

He’d smile and say, “Because you’re a smarter, better person, and better Man than they are…”

Yeah, he was working me! Stroking my ego to calm me down. 

So What?!? It was one of the innumerable ways that he said he loved me every day.

I hope each and every person knows that kind of love.

I also hope that each and every one of the moronic drivers on California roads learns to drive or can’t afford the gas to drive.

I’m trying to be a better man… I’m not there yet!

😁