New Year, New Day

I’m dreaming of another one of these in the near future.

Had one back in the Summer and it was very good.

I haven’t had a chance to get back to the place since then. But I’m thinking this is something I’m going to treat myself to before the end of the month.

Been thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in the day to day grind and forget to take little pleasures. Whether it’s a nice meal, or simply finding time to be intimate with a lover, friend, or even yourself, time and life have a way of getting in the way.

I speak from experience, I’ve been moving at pretty much a dead run one way or another for the past 7 months. Either I’m fighting the clock to get to work, or I’m home from work tired as hell, trying to force myself to do chores, then on my days off, I’m driving 100 miles to the house in the mountains, spend a night or two, then drive 100 miles back to work.

There was a time when I drove 92 miles one way to work. I did this every day. The money was good and I actually enjoyed what I was doing for the most part.  

Days of being able to drive like that are gone, especially in Southern California. I used to be able to clock that drive to 100 minutes and I was moving the whole trip.

Now that kind of drive can easily take 2 hours sometimes 2 1/2 hours and there is zero predictability. Those kinds of drives are also exhausting. 

By the time I get to the mountain place I’m really beat and typicaly pissed off at the insanity of traffic. Then when I turn around and head back to San Diego I’m dreading the drive and it never fails to be a stone bitch.  So I start my work week exhausted.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this isn’t really working for me.

Like the alcoholic, admitting that I have a problem is the first step toward fixing the problem.

I suppose it’s best defined as a quality of life issue. I’m making enough money to survive, but not enough to make much headway. I’m also not in any kind of rotation for promotion. Which suggests, much as I hate the thought, I need to start working hard to find a new job.

It all loops back to the time issue and having enough of my wits about me to engage in such a job search after work. The other thing I’ve realized I’m fighting; my confidence is shot to hell. 

I’ve seen jobs that I’m probably qualified for, or well qualified for, but I hesitate to apply. 

It’s hard to come back from literally years of rejection. It’s hard to put yourself out there again because now you’re trained to expect rejection / failure / (the implied message) “You’re NOT GOOD enough”

All these things play in your head, and even with evidence to the contrary you’re still fighting that inner whisper of doubt.

I’ve realized that in a way I’ve been broken. (Perhaps I’m broken in a lot of other ways too) 

In retrospect a former friend was probably trying to be helpful telling me I’m nuts, unfortunately he woefully misjudged just how fragile I was at the time. Him trying to be “Helpful” was basically breaking the remaining shards of me, and those parts I’d managed to glue back together. He might have been right, but there’s a time to be right, and there’s a time to be gentle and kind.

So now I have to figure out a way back. I know that I’m the only one who can fix me, but that doesn’t mean that I know how to. I’m working on it.

My resolution this year is to climb back on the corporate merry-go-round so I’ve got a decent income. From there, the long term goal is to get back to writing regularly and carve out time to appreciate the things I have and figure out where I want to go from there. 

I’m also not going to allow guilt or fear to have as much sway over me as they’ve come to have during the past few years.

These sound like simple resolutions, I suspect that the actual work will be a lot harder.

My list is short but achievable. 

I hope your list is easier.