Day: January 2, 2017

Sitting here in the early morning at work. I overhear things being said by co-workers. I’ve come to realize that with the 20s crowd I have absolutely no idea what their “important” issues mean.

The stuff they think is important is either something I’d consider totally irrelevant or something that I have no clue about at all.

Have I become so disconnected?

Is this what my  grandfather felt like? (No wonder he contented himself with “You kids, get off my lawn!”)

The news is all the same, many of the issues are completely alien and increasingly I find myself quoting Rhett Butler.

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

It’s not like I’m actively pissed off or anything, it’s just that I have no common ground. I do think that a lot of these people are spoiled little brats and that they could all benefit from a good spanking.

Oops, there is is again. Oldness!

I find myself wondering how we, as a society came to this place. 

Some would say it’s our overly permissive society. Others might say it’s the lack of discipline in our families, schools, and country. Still others would say it’s a combination of all of the above and would add that this is some kind of backlash against racist, misogynistic, patriarchal, society.

Although the latter is probably just a boilerplate comment that is tagged at the end of anything that isn’t right these days.

I like the old Southern way of describing issues with people, “That child ain’t right”

In the old South, often a child could be “Made Right” with the application of a switch to the behind, and a good dose of hellfire and damnation from the minister’s pulpit on Sunday morning.

We don’t do that anymore. 

Perhaps thoughts like these are further evidence that I’m old.

When I was much younger than I am today, I had hope and optimism. I thought we as a people and planet were heading toward a future of enlightenment and unprecedented cooperation. I honestly thought that we’d all learn to live together and that in our unity we’d achieve amazing things.  It wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility back then, that by now we’d already have colonies on the moon and Mars. Nothing we could imagine was beyond our reach. 

When the Berlin Wall fell, I personally saw it as a bit of proof that the old paradigms were coming to an end and that we might have world peace, and prosperity would naturally come to all of us because we’d harness the collective intelligence and will of everyone on our planet.

I was naive and overly optimistic.

I didn’t factor into my calculations that humans aren’t always able to look at the big picture. I was optimistic because I was at the cutting edge of technology. I saw our increased connectedness as a means to unite us all and make sure that we all advanced into a bright shiny future.

I laugh at my naivety now. Once again I failed to recognize that the lowest common denominator is more often the dominant force in our world.

I guess Some Things NEVER change.

I’m dreaming of another one of these in the near future.

Had one back in the Summer and it was very good.

I haven’t had a chance to get back to the place since then. But I’m thinking this is something I’m going to treat myself to before the end of the month.

Been thinking about how easy it is to get caught up in the day to day grind and forget to take little pleasures. Whether it’s a nice meal, or simply finding time to be intimate with a lover, friend, or even yourself, time and life have a way of getting in the way.

I speak from experience, I’ve been moving at pretty much a dead run one way or another for the past 7 months. Either I’m fighting the clock to get to work, or I’m home from work tired as hell, trying to force myself to do chores, then on my days off, I’m driving 100 miles to the house in the mountains, spend a night or two, then drive 100 miles back to work.

There was a time when I drove 92 miles one way to work. I did this every day. The money was good and I actually enjoyed what I was doing for the most part.  

Days of being able to drive like that are gone, especially in Southern California. I used to be able to clock that drive to 100 minutes and I was moving the whole trip.

Now that kind of drive can easily take 2 hours sometimes 2 1/2 hours and there is zero predictability. Those kinds of drives are also exhausting. 

By the time I get to the mountain place I’m really beat and typicaly pissed off at the insanity of traffic. Then when I turn around and head back to San Diego I’m dreading the drive and it never fails to be a stone bitch.  So I start my work week exhausted.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this isn’t really working for me.

Like the alcoholic, admitting that I have a problem is the first step toward fixing the problem.

I suppose it’s best defined as a quality of life issue. I’m making enough money to survive, but not enough to make much headway. I’m also not in any kind of rotation for promotion. Which suggests, much as I hate the thought, I need to start working hard to find a new job.

It all loops back to the time issue and having enough of my wits about me to engage in such a job search after work. The other thing I’ve realized I’m fighting; my confidence is shot to hell. 

I’ve seen jobs that I’m probably qualified for, or well qualified for, but I hesitate to apply. 

It’s hard to come back from literally years of rejection. It’s hard to put yourself out there again because now you’re trained to expect rejection / failure / (the implied message) “You’re NOT GOOD enough”

All these things play in your head, and even with evidence to the contrary you’re still fighting that inner whisper of doubt.

I’ve realized that in a way I’ve been broken. (Perhaps I’m broken in a lot of other ways too) 

In retrospect a former friend was probably trying to be helpful telling me I’m nuts, unfortunately he woefully misjudged just how fragile I was at the time. Him trying to be “Helpful” was basically breaking the remaining shards of me, and those parts I’d managed to glue back together. He might have been right, but there’s a time to be right, and there’s a time to be gentle and kind.

So now I have to figure out a way back. I know that I’m the only one who can fix me, but that doesn’t mean that I know how to. I’m working on it.

My resolution this year is to climb back on the corporate merry-go-round so I’ve got a decent income. From there, the long term goal is to get back to writing regularly and carve out time to appreciate the things I have and figure out where I want to go from there. 

I’m also not going to allow guilt or fear to have as much sway over me as they’ve come to have during the past few years.

These sound like simple resolutions, I suspect that the actual work will be a lot harder.

My list is short but achievable. 

I hope your list is easier.